***can you consider that his need to be "THE Swingin' D*ck" as an identity-defining thing for him...basically a "guy-thing"...created by him simply to compete with your "celebrity" and to compensate for a basic fear of never being seen as more than "That famous author's hubby..." and that for him to give that up would tantamount to giving up his own identity...***

Kids, he was The Big Swingin' D*ck long, long, long before I ever sold a book. Trust me, it's got nothing to do with that. He has very little interest in what I do -- it is still a source of hurt to me that he once spent a good amount of time at a wedding reception bragging about how great a writer his last gal-pal was while saying nothing at all about me -- and believe me, I am not famous and I make very little money at writing books. I made far more when I had a "real" job working a steady thirty hours a week.

And you are right about the stalemate. I am stunned that he seems incapable of understanding how his actions with these women make me feel, and he is furious that I can't "just accept it."

Uh, I thought we were married? Maybe that's why I thought there wouldn't be third parties involved in *any* capacity? But the Company said it was okay so that's the end of it.

Biggest problem is I cannot go to him for safety, reassurance, or empathy. It's true that I might, sometimes, get some of these -- but only after getting emotionally beaten to death *first.* I can't afford that anymore.

Somehow, I have go to find the strength to just detach. I haven't been able to do that yet. I wish I could. I don't know how. I wanted to keep my marriage, I wanted to keep my family, I wanted to keep my husband. I just haven't been able to detach much yet -- not enough to stop wanting him to help me, foolish as that sounds.

How can we help?

***How can we help?***

I wish I knew. Just keep telling me to back off, back off, back off, I guess.

P_b,

How long to do you think you can go without bringing up this subject with your husband? Realistically?

p_b

I don't want to tell you to "back off"....

I think you can refocus and make changes in your approach.
I may tell you "re-group" .....

But if you have a problem that is deeply troubling to you, you must look at it from a different angle if your current way of dealing is too painful and not working for either of you.

Pep

I finally gave up. He is much stronger. I told him that I would no longer ask him for empathy, information, or apologies about anything between him and his co-workers.

He is very, very happy. Now I get hugs. Now he acts like everything is great. I am ready to die. He does not notice.

He can do all this to me -- ignore me and lie to me so he can go have years of fun with the girls, and then have no regrets about it at all. But I'm supposed to be Happy about that.

His bullying has worked for him. I can't stand up to him anymore. Nothing has helped.

Back when I was loving and supportive and asked no questions, he was thoroughly happy and went off with the girls at every opportunity. When I wanted that to stop, he laughed at me and ignored me. When I *insisted* that it stop, he got nasty and bullying.

Now that I have stopped hoping for any kind of real apology, real remorse, real information or real empathy, he is all happy again.

I am ready to die. But he is happy.

I haven't posted in ages, and have tried to stick to lurking, mostly b/c my own situation just hasn't changed much, limbo is still limbo, and I have had nothing to say, but your post really called out to me.

Psycho_b, that last post pretty much sums up the last 4 years of my marriage, literally. My H wanted to spend so much time with the girls from work, and if I protested, he bullied, if I acquiesed, he was happy, but I was silently upset. I even went so far as to try to become good friends with the girls from work too, but in the long run it still felt like a competition to me that I never wanted to be a part of. It all built resentment inside me for such a long time. To a large extent, I actually believe it's what drove me to seek out the attention of another man (in part, one who REALLY listened to me), to let my H see what it feels like to be on the other side (immature tactics I know), but it blew up in my face because I let it go too far. Now my H (who was treating me poorly in the first place by giving the girls from work such priority) can forever blame to collapse of our marriage on my infidelity.

I so wish I had some advice about what to do with your H and his refusal to change. I sometimes think if I could go back in time I would DEMAND (I know, to make demands is not proper MB behaviour) that my H drop his female friends altogether (except for on the job contact), or walk out on him, but I doubt I would've ever had the nerve, or I doubt he'd ever have met my demands.

The huge difference here is that your H cheated on you, so your discomfort with your H's relationships with the girls from work, and your fears are all the more justified than mine ever were, as my H's friendships were "just platonic" and he "never crossed the line."

I pray that you find a better course of action than I took. I pray that someone here has some concrete suggestions for you!

Take care,

Jen

jen and pb,

In a way, there is an MB way to make a demand without LBing. It's an option I think that pb should consider. It's called Plan B. Now to be effective, there needs to be a Plan A first...and in her case...not a long one...because I don't think she could sustain it for long. But enough to make him sit up and take notice and remember her as differently than full of anger and resentment. Then go to Plan B. The conditions for recovery would of course include an end to fraternizing with the girls because it's destroying her love for him. She could also ask for the kind of light bulb moment she needs from him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />