My wife gained a large amount of weight over the years to the point that she now outweighs me by about 70 pounds. We seperated two years ago after 23 years of marriage because I feel very physically incompatible with her. She wants to stay married but has lost no weight during the seperation. I'm an athlete who works out most every day so this is quite a difference for us. I just don't feel connected because of it. She was a physical education/health education major in college who became a teacher in those subjects. I love her as a person but feel so isolated in our marriage. She says she wants to change but nothing ever happens. I've lost trust that it will get any better.

Are you having an affair?

No affair. Meet a woman after a year of seperation and my wife and I had agreed to divorce. We were together for 6 months.

An affair can either be an EA(emotional affair), a PA(physical affair) or a combination of both (EA/PA) and if you are involved with another woman other than your wife and you are still married to her, then YOU ARE having an affair.

I haven't been involved with anyone for the past 6 months. Facing the issues with my wife and no one else involved AT ALL.

The issue is my feelings of physical incompatibility due to our very sizable difference. She wants me to continue waiting for her changes that never happen.

I would normally not say this but you and your W may be better off if you did get divorced. I say this because if her physical size is the sole reason that you separated from her for 2 years, and during which period you got involved with another woman for 6 months, then you cannot be counted on if she developed a serious medical condition in which she would suffer serious bodily deterioration. Do her a favor as well as yourself, and divorce your W that way both of you can be free to find the people that you each deserve.

I have to agree with TMCM.

Sometimes there are medical reasons why a person is having difficulty losing weight. Also, after age 40, the metablism slows down, so it is harder to lose the weight. More so for women than for men.

I understand that physical attractivness counts, somewhat, but after 23 years, if that matters more to you than you W, then I will refrain from saying what I really think.

My H is very athletic, far more than I am, and every year, he gains weight, and gets bigger. He no longer has the size 32 in. waist that he had when we met. Lets go with a 42. (In his situation it is hereditary, so, do I blame him for that. I still love him. I would like to see him trim down, but it does not change how I feel about him.

Does you W, have time to work on herself? I spend so much time between work, school, and trying to keep house, I do not have time to work out. Before you pass judgements, ask yourself, do I do anything to help my W to free up some time, so she could work out. After all, you said you are athletic, does you athletic lifestyle interfere with her being able to work on her physical self?

<small>[ July 22, 2003, 12:45 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

I wonder if you know the meaning of true love.

Have you seen the movie Shallow Hal?- Reminds me of your situation....

Anyway, I would bet that your shunning/leaving/cheating behavior if anything makes it harder on your w to lose the weight. You are psychologically battering her and berating her. You are abusing your w. Sure weight gain and physical attractiveness are issues.

Let me ask you this, does your w have children? Is she a single mom now? If so/ that carries loads of stress, and makes it way ahrder to lose weight with stress on her... even so.. your leaving and cheating is surely a stress. She probably stress eats... and may have physcial issues making weight loss difficult/ or even psychological most likely, especially with such a non supportive/ nonloving spouse.

I am sorry to be blunt, but I do think your reasoning here, is just to defend your own poor behavior. If you really loved your w, you would stand by her and help her .. maybe walk with her, cook healthy foods for her, spoil her with your love, so she does not feel driven to food for support.

Gee, what a concept? You could love your dear wife to health????!!!

Hope that you get a wake up call.

Honey

I understand the sentiments of the responses. My wife and I have had the great opportunity to both be home with our children for the past ten years. I do most of the cooking, grocery shopping, all the outdoor work, most of the driving of children - it has been a very much labor shared relationship that neither of us have an issue with. Most of her day is hers to do with what she wants. A year before our seperation she developed a medical condition which a doctor told her could be significantly risk reduced by losing weight. Here it is three years later and she has not lost one single pound from that time (and it has impacted her health as she was told it could). She says she needs counseling but will not make an appointment for herself. BTW, we went through six months of marriage counseling and at the end the counselor told me he didn't believe my wife would ever lose weight. Not only is this a problem between us physically, my wife is also killing herself.

My wife says she wants to take care of herself. She says she will take care of herself. She's had the time, money, and knowledge to do so. I always believed her until the doctor told her that her life was on the line and she did nothing. She's asked me to wait one more year.

Surge sometimes how one delivers the message is as important as the content of the message itself. How you told your W that she needed to loose weight can affect her willingnness or unwillingness to comply. If it was done via the love busters called 'selfish demand' and 'disrespectful judgement' then it's not surprising that she has resisted complying to loose weight despite it being in her long term interests. I suggest that you read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Love Busters' because it can open your eyes as to how you may have contributed to the problem, and how using a different approach may yield the desired results.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by surge:
<strong>My wife says she wants to take care of herself. She says she will take care of herself. She's had the time, money, and knowledge to do so. I always believed her until the doctor told her that her life was on the line and she did nothing. She's asked me to wait one more year.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Several issues here......one being Surge has an EN of physically attractive mate. Is not a "made-up" one, is a legitimage EN!! Otherwise, W. Harley would not have listed it as one of top 10. Soooo, if surge wants a physically attractive mate, is his prerogative!! I think everybody shouldn't jump his case for feeling that way. Yes, maybe he had EA, b/c of not wanting to be w/physically unattractive S anymore, but it sounds like he moved away ffrom that decision, and came home to work on the M. Hooray for him!

Secondly, he genuinely sounds concerned for W's health. Drs telling her it was a dangerous sitch, didn't change her behavior. What can he do? Is only trying to help his W, support her to do what she must to help herself.

Finally, I believe he is trying to make his W understand, and take control of her own weight problem. Thing is, surge, I don't believe she CAN! Either is depressed, or resigned, or something else....I'm not a psychologist, and don't even play one on these boards! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But it's plain to me that even after Dr telling her that she must lose weight, and she just keeps saying, "wait, wait" - there's clearly something else going on.

My suggestion is YOU start going to counseling. Changing YOU. I'm sure there are things you say or do to make her feel worse about herself....maybe not intentionally, but it happens. When we are unhappy about something in our S, they know, they sense it, they "hear" it every time we talk to them. That "judgment" comes out, and it might be pushing her further away from wanting to help herself.....maybe like, "What's the use? He'll only leave eventually anyway........."

Don't know, just throwing some stuff out there.

Surge, you've come to a good place. This issue of attractive spouse as EN is a biggy for a lot of people..........but folks, please, don't judge surge for it!! He's allowed to feel this way! Let's help him help his W, OK?

surge,
I have rheumatiod arthritis. Not carrying extra weight is beneficial for that as well.

But, being diagnosed with a chronic, disabling disease of any kind takes a lot of coping. Not taking care of yourself, carrying on as usual with eating and no exercise is a kind of denial. It took me a couple years to come to terms with the idea I'd be taking meds every day for the rest of my life, and that's only one component.

Your wife is also dealing with separation, loss of marriage, women especially use food as comfort.

My H used to urge me to workout with him, but I didn't have the time. I've never outweighed him, except maybe during pregnancy, but I have been at the same weight, and he's 9 inches taller.

Oddly when we first separated, I began to work out then and have pretty consistantly for the last 5 years, very consistantly (3X a week gym visits) for the last year. I was surprised by how much better I feel, doing something good for me...not for my H, though he benefits by having a healthier wife and that his need for an Attractive Spouse is better met.

Making her loss weight isn't something you can do for your wife, or control.

Another way to look at this is, we can talk about you being "shallow", but MB's Emotional Needs list very clearly includes Attractive Spouse. AS is a high need for my H, why wouldn't I try to meet that, as I would any other of his needs? My marriage is important to me.

But, you need to look at yourself as well, are you/have you met your wife's needs? Caring, love, intentional meeting of needs can sometimes initiate more of a change than we realize.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lupolady:

"but folks, please, don't judge surge for it!! He's allowed to feel this way! Let's help him help his W, OK?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our 'judgements' come from the amount of information Surge gives us regarding his situation. The more information he gives us, the better able we are to give him sound advice.

I have come to understand my role in this with my wife. I share the responsibily equally with my wife for our relationship. We, together, created a relationship monster....... The past cannot be undone. My concern is for today and tomorrow. She and I are still sharing an honest, friendly though difficult relationship...... The woman I had a relationship with occured after I filed for divorce.Did not know her previously. Still, I realize I should have waited until after the divorce was final.........

Are you still separated and is the divorce still on track?

Another important part of this equation is that my wife was molested as a child by a neighbor and never received any help with this. Her parents never even confronted the man. She had to grow up living next to her molester! She's expressed that perhaps she has "intentionally" made herself unattractive.

She also recently told me that in the early years of our marriage that a man came on to her at a party and she gained a large amout of weight right after that event.

IF you can show her affection, attention and appreciation in a non sexual way, it may help motivate her to do what she knows is in her best interests.