ISgirl, I have spoken with divorcebuster counselor, IC with my police dept, my priest, Jennifer, and Cerri. I liked Cerri and felt the most connected with her. I plan on using her if my ex comes out of the fog and shows an interest in returning. I can not do another false recovery.

Hello all,

Great thread...just wanted to let you know that all of your posts help me to get through each day. Plan B is not easy and can feel incredibly lonely but at the same time, somehow feel liberating.

Hugs and prayers for all of you!

Hi all, I'm glad someone started this thread as I'll be joining you in "B" in about a month.

It's not that anything will change in that time ,but, thats when I will get to spend some time with WW. Hoping to make it as good as possible then hand her the "B" letter as kids and I back out of driveway for the 6hr drive back home.

Hi All,

Another day under our belts! We have survived another one.

Texmex: thanks for the info about your counseling experience. I am thinking of trying Cerri as well. Jennifer does seem at times to have her own agenda and doesn't seem to be the best listener. She obviously knows the concepts, but seems to just recite them over and over, almost lecturing. I need help on taking them and seeing the practical application in my M. Hope I get the chance again.

Terrified: I for one am glad the posts on this forum (not just this thread) are helpful. I know hearing others' experiences has helped me enormously. This board makes it seem just a little (did I say that? I meant a LOT) less lonely.

Hurting12: sorry you're going to have to join the Plan B club, but remember, we will all be here for you. Take a deep breath, hand her the letter and drive away. Then get your kids home and give them lots of hugs and attention. They will be your focus.

Hugs to All Plan B'ers!

ISG

OK, tonight there will be no cheerleading, no woo-hoo's of "we've made it another day."

For some reason, I have totally bottomed out tonight. Crying uncontrollably, the "I'm doing fine in this Plan B" attitude totally gone. I just feel like I will never be happy again. I am so sad, so alone, so down-and-out miserable. I feel like I have been alone for so long.

Last night I had a dream that my H was here in the house, I was in the kitchen, and he came up behind me, put his arms around me and told me how much he loved me. It felt so good in that dream...only to awaken alone.

Nothing has changed, no attempts at contact on either side, so I don't know what is driving this depression, but it is a killer!

And to make matters worse, the enthusiasm that I saw when I started this thread has waned. I seem to be just about the only one that is updating it.

You know, guys, I need you too. Especially right now.

ISG

ISGirl,

I am here, I am in Plan B, and I am having a day like you. I have spent the day packing as our house has been sold and I am moving to a new one on Saturday. I have repeatedly come across many momentos of memories reminding me of the 11 yrs that I spent with my W. The cards,trips we took,etc... and cannot beleieve that she left me for one of her friend's brothers. I even came across cards from that friend which rubbed salt in the wound.

My W has vaivered back and forth since she left in January and I planned A'ed as best I could until about a month ago. she keeps telling me that she needs time, is confused etc... and I finally went to plan B which as you know is very difficult. I feel like I am giving up but everyone assures me that I am doing the best thing that I can do. Even W's best friend told me recently that NC is the best thing that I can do for her. I don't feel it but I am up close and personal in my situation. I have read your thread and although never commented, I feel that you too are doing the right thing. Try to stay strong, I know how hard that it is.
NW

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ISGirl and NW}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
There are more where that came from! I am so sorry that you, my fellow b-ers are so down tonight. I have been thinking about my WS so much lately, I guess I am riding a wave of memories also.

I have come to hate Wednesdays. I envy that my sons are with WS every Wednesday and that they receive all the love and kindness my WS once gave me. My WS has nothing but hate and insults for me now.

I think that we are all entitled to a pity party every now and then so lets have one tonight. I am going to put my party hat on now. Damn that rubber string is too tight!

Hey guys,
We all need to somehow pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off every once in awhile.
I've felt like a Plan B failure the past few days, but in actuality I'm probably not really off the wagon.
Have had several very brief, calm and to the point phone calls with WH regarding unpaid bills, about to be cancelled car insurance,Health Ins., electric, etc. He was able to get it under control & I'm going to pay the electric and some other small bills, but I felt like I had to hold his hand through the week, encourageing him to just make some phone calls and pay the minimums, etc. He's only been back to work for several weeks after a 6 mos. layoff and has a lot of catching up to do. We are also filing for Bankruptcy. He's horrible at the financial piece and I refuse to make it easy for him by taking it over. (I took care of the bills for 20 yrs, he's been at it for 1 yr.) Yeah, there is stress involved on my part worrying about it, but on the other hand, I feel it is part of "reality" for WH and he needs to be the one to figure out a way to handle it. Two separate households is not easy to finance!!
I cutoff the phone call last night when he tried to get chatty, I once again said, it is better for me not to talk to you directly so we will have to try to communicate these things better through "friend". He said ok, I'll call "friend".

Not knowing what is going on with A is good in many ways, however, I assume that all is well in Fantasy Land and that WH is Happy and never considers what he is giving up and that drives me into a tailspin sometimes! I get sad and hopeless feeling. I wish I knew that he was lying awake nights worrying about the $$, missing the kids, missing me, hating what he's done to his life...
I've actually asked a good mutual friend who calls WH once in awhile, to take a pulse check for me, and I know that that is contrary to PLan B, I shouldn't care or want to know what is going on and what he is feeling. But it is driving me crazy!
My hope is to be far enough into Plan B, that I am over MY addiction to WH so that these things no longer affect me.
Plan B is definately challenging, but for the best, if I can only do it right!!
Today, is a fun day though, 4-yr.old D and I have tix to a play, "Alice in Wonderland" and then off to a TEA Party at a friends afterwards! Dress-up time!!
Life goes on...

Thanks everyone for the "lift" and the commisseration. Did I spell that right? I am feeling slightly better tonight than last night, although started to tear up driving home from work, but managed to get it under control.

Have had some positive conversations with people in my life who are turning out to be extremely supportive, so that has helped tremendously.

...not to mention all you guys here. Do you ever wonder how we would get thru it without MB and this forum?

Last night when I was really down a friend called me and after listening to how depressed I was, she encouraged me to leave MB and find another counseling method. She, I believe, is frustrated because of my pain and the lack of response by my H and the lack of progress, not realizing how long it takes.

Oops...gotta run. A MAJOR thunderstorm is brewing. Better log off. More later.

{{{{{{{{{{{{All You Plan B'ers}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Horrible discovery tonight. In my H's palm pilot I discovered he had created a secret email account where he gets mail from OW. This, after his apparent "buying in" to the full disclosure, extraordinary precautions of MB. Another secret life.

And I discovered a planned trip with her.

I don't know how much more of this pain I can stand.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I guess in Plan B I wasn't even supposed to look at his pda, but... looking at things like that is the only way I have ever been successful in discovering what he is doing (like have A's).

Oh, God!

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

IS:

Hang in there!!

I have had the same mood swings- feeling up and then sinking way, way down. What we have experienced is traumatic. We can't help but suffer. It's only human. I think the bad times getter lesser and lesser. I've found that when I do feel the hurt it is not as intense as when WS first left again. So it will get better. You, like me, are suffering the second time around.

I'm feeling down tonight about having to do this move alone although WS may be coming around. I resent his absence.

A BIG HUG TO ALL!!!!!

bump

OK, where did you all go?

Don't tell me I am the only one still left in Plan A and that all your WS's have returned to work on Recovery?

Actually, I would LOVE for your to tell me that. That would give EVERONE here hope.

Just don't want this thread to die. I think it has value.

Let's VENT!

Hey I'd like to join the plan b thread. I'm two days into plan b. I'm doing alright for the most part. The mornings are the hardest for me i'm just so use to having my w sleeping next to me. I dont know how plan b will work out for me but i'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I'm just going to try and make myself a better person.

TROD,

Welcome, and sorry you have found yourself here. But you will find great support and wonderful advice.

Use this thread to scream, yell, vent, do whatever you need to do to release the pent-up anger, frustration, etc.

Tell us more of your story; it will help us connect with you. What happened, and did you sent your W a Plan B Letter?

ISGirl -

Was that some kind of psychological slip on your post? You asked if you were the only one left in PLAN A! Or did something happen you're not telling us about? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tonight I'm still mulling over the implications of WH's phone call to me this weekend. I haven't told my kids, I don't want them to worry, and they're both unhappy with him already. It's too soon to think anything will come of it. I was reading one of Cerri's posts on JFO last week, she said something to the effect that the only time a spouse can make any demands, as opposed to always using POJA, is when a BS sets terms for a WS to return to the R. I'm wondering what my terms might be, besides ending the A and promising NC. Counselling, both IC and MC, probably WH living apart from me for awhile. To be honest, I'm not even sure I want him back. When I dialed his # to return the call, I was more sure he wanted to talk Dv than to talk reconcile, and I was pretty close to accepting it. And he really has a lot of nerve to contact me before ending his A!

I like this thread. Thanks for keeping it going. Waiting to hear more from TROD.

Lablady

Me BS 48
WH 48
M 25 yrs
S 25, D 23
OW 45 widow/co-worker
D-day 7/02
WH moves in w/OW New Year's Eve
Plan B letter sent 2/03
Strict Plan B
WH contacts me 8/9/03, wants to know if we can have a future, but hasn't ended his A!

Hi ISGirl, I am still in Plan B mode along with you girl. I was away from my computer for a few days visiting relatives out of middle of nowhere!

I am so sorry that you found out about your WS plans with OW.

I have recently learned that my WS went on a vacation with OW the same place we went on our honeymoon. How sick is that!

The OW has seemed to stepped right into my shoes. She is using my old cell phone and did not even bother to change the number. I have been so tempted to call her and asked if she wanted my wedding ring since she seems to like my left-overs. I am kidding of course..Her finger would fall off from wearing something blessed by a priest!!!

I am learning from plan B, that its best for me not to know what my WS is doing, it only causes me more pain.

The key for me being in Plan B is not to focus on them but on myself. I can't control them but I can control my life and what I want to accomplish.

Time also goes faster when I am busy with my goals and not worrying about the status of the affair.

Be strong..Rhonda

I'm also still on Plan B.

Wow Tex, your story sounds like my future for some reason. My H should be taking my cell phone line from me (since they are both in his name) and I'm guessing he's going to give it to OW. I would hope he at least changes the number. Must suck to have people call you and have the OW answer the phone. Aarrgghhh!!!

I am also learning from Plan B and it IS best for me not to know what my H is doing. Definitely causes more pain. Some people still tell me stories but I'm starting to tell them one by one, that I don't want to hear about him anymore. It's too painful.

Yes, we need to focus on US, not them.

This is a great thread for support. Thanks ISIgirl!

Hey I'm still around too.
Check out my thread, got some great input and feedback from Mortarman and others, regarding the challenges of being Plan B.
I'm hanging in there, some days are more of a struggle than others.
Today, I'm sending out Plan B letter copy with an additional message about boundaries.
Basically-I do not want OW near my kids. Period. Do not disrespect me or the kids again.

If it happens again, I'll have to decide what to do from there. I have a tendancy to be too soft when defending my boundaries.

talk soon.

Lablady,

Plan A? Hah, yes I guess it was a psychological slip up (a.k.a. wishful thinking?). I didn't go back and edit it because I think it's good for a laugh and if I did edit, who would ever know what we were talking about? Obviously, duh, I meant Plan B.

I envy you and share your concern/reluctance about the time when your WH next contacts you. I would (1) love to be there myself, but (2) scared $h*tless that it would be another false recovery or that he couldn't live up to the doctrines of MB. I so strongly believe in MB and its philosophies and WH has never jumped on. Of course part (all?) of the reason was probably because MB wanted him to end the A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think I would hesitate to involve your children yet as well. Wait until you know he is making a move in your direction. Then decide if you want them to know before or after you talk to WH. Do they live at home with you?

Texmex,

Hi, glad to see you're back and posting. Now about that honeymoon thing. I think a shrink might see more to it than just being "sick" on your XH's part. I wonder if he is trying to put her in your place to "compare" the two of you. That sounds sicker, I know, but foggy means sickly, in my opinion.

I totally agree about not knowing what's going on while in Plan B. While I get some sick satisfcation by learning some of their plans, it about killed me to read it. Better off in total ignorance about what's going on in "their" lives.

hopeful98,

Ditto about the not knowing part. Sometimes the temptation to find out is so strong. I need to try to get my focus elsewhere, but I feel so much like I am in limbo. Hmmm, maybe 'cause I am!

Shugah,

I don't blame you one bit about not wanting your children around the OW. How old are they? That would absolutely disgust me! Good luck.

Glad to hear from all of you. You might hop over to my thread now addressed to Mortarman to find out the latest on me. Lablady already read it and posted great advice, but you guys might be interested too.

Take Care and Keep In Touch!

ISG