LULU,

You go, girl! Get the cash, see the city, have the fun.

Amazing what you can do when it's dark, isn't it? Incredible to reach down and find your strength, your independence. Don't get me wrong, Fellow B'ers, it's not perfect, it's just protected!

Happy Friday, one and all!

ISG

Rookie,

As Topic Starter, I guess I feel a certain obligation to meet/greet newcomers.

In this regard I have been remiss. I apologize. But a warm PB'er welcome to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been in Plan B now for approx. 6-7 weeks, I have to see my WW at my son's functions, football and such, I wish I didnt, but, for my son I go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man, I feel your pain. I don't see my WH at all, and for that I am grateful. It allows me to focus on me, and avoid the pain of seeing him and realizing that he is with someone else. Particularly since there is a child involved for you. I am truly sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to agree with others that each time I see the WS, the pain is there and it takes all not to talk with her... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You betcha. I saw my WH once after Plan B was started and it just about killed me. I am better off with NC and NS (no sightings - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I is a protective barrier to the pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is supposed to move to her new apartment with the son next week from her parents home, somehow and please dont take this wrong, you ladies have it better most of the time as the Husbands leave you with the children, it breaks my heart to drop my son off as I did today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally agree. When a woman takes the child(ren) and leaves the man, the pain and separation anxiety he feels has to be enormous. The woman still has 2/3 of the family intact and her maternal instinct (a very important one) is still functional and fulfilled.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still love her as she WAS before the affair, I dont even recognize her personality now...... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, I know. Alient abduction. Whether they will return with all their "parts" remains to be seen. If not, not.

Rookie, keep the faith, keep posting here and we will, I promise, continue to support you and each other.

Have a good weekend, and some of us will be around here if you need to post and vent. By the way, we would love to hear more of your story.

ISG

Sorry to see you here, rookie, but welcome. You will find some great folks here ready and willing to help.

Help Needed!

My turn to look to all of you for support and uplifting advice.

This weekend, and continuing today, I have feelings of total helplessness, as if there is nothing that can be done to save my M. I am angry, frustrated, desperate and sad, oh my, way beyond sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We have only been separated 2 months (did I say only? ), yet it feels like I can't go on like this another day.

Those of you who have been in this longer than I, Lablady among others (and even those of you who are new but feeling strong tonight), please give me some input, some guidance, something to hang onto.

I feel two things very strongly: (1) I am very much a take charge kind of person, and this sitting and waiting is making me NUTS! I literally do not know how to sit still and wait for things to happen...in any aspect of my life. (2) If I could see ANYTHING that would give me the slightest bit of encouragement that my M is not over, I might feel better, but that is simply not happening.

So, I've been on a 3-4 day MAJOR downer. Need you guys. Help me out here, will ya?

Thanks and Hugs to All!

ISG

(((ISGirl)))
I understand how you are feeling tonight. There is nothing we can do to change the events of the past, and it sometimes seems like there is nothing we can do to effect the events of the future. So we come to this site because it offers us a plan, a plan that has worked for many trying to restore their M after infidelity. Here we can find a set of actions that will give us a better chance of either saving our Ms or saving ourselves.
Before I found this site I was lost. I had no idea of what to do after D-day. I could not understand how my M had gotten to the point of an
A. I believed the things that my WS was saying. Friends and family were telling me that I should just move on and never look back, because there was nothing I could do.
This site has helped me to see that there are things I can do. I have an understanding of why and how the A occured. I know about the fog, the fogspeak that goes with it, the addictve power of the A. I realize how important it is to work on me while I am waiting to work on my M.
I also now know that the A will almost certainly end given time; nearly all do. That the chances of my WS and OP making a life with each other are very, very poor. That when the A ends, if I am prepared, there will be a chance for me to restore my M if that is still my wish. And that, because of all I have learned, my M can be better than it was before.
Read the threads of people who have been in your position, and much worse, and succeeded. Not all have been able to save their M, but many have. They are here to share their stories, to answer your questions, to give you advice based on their experiences. They will tell you that sitting and waiting is at times exactly what needs to be done. But do not wait for signs that things are getting better, or worse. Remember, ISGirl, their A is going to end. Take this time to prepare yourself for what is to come.
There are no guarantees here, but there is hope. And there are people here to offer their hugs and support when you need it the most.
Patience, ISGirl, patience.
Stay strong.

Hey, ISGirl, check out mimi1254's latest posts. Looks like another A bites the dust.

23down,

Thanks. Good words.

Patience? What's that? Never my strong suit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh yes, I have followed Mimi, and am thrilled by her turn of events. Posted to her last night.

I am very encouraged by where you appear to be right now. I am very happy for your strength and resolve. Mine is in there somewhere. Perhaps it is natural for these downer days (notice the plural) to occur periodically. I just wonder how some of these folks manage to sit it out month after month after month? Possibly the diff is that they have other diversions...children, family ties, good friends. We don't have children together (I have a grown S from a previous M), my parents are no longer living and I have no siblings. Friends? They're "couple" friends and with possibly one exception, don't seem interested in having me be the 5th wheel. Work is a good release and I wish I could develop more friendship interests there; unfortunately I work 60 miles from where I live and the people I work with also live 60 or more miles away from me.

So, without this sounding too much like a pity party, I am having difficulty because of the enormous loneliness I am feeling. I do go out with a group (yes, they're couples, but I go anyway) on Friday nights for happy hour and a quick dinner but other than that it is pretty much me here by myself.

Thus, the importance of the MB board to me. Yes, I have read lots, and take heart from much of what I read. My H has followed much of the script set forth here as well. I am just ready for the play to be over instead of moving from act to act. I take great comfort from those I have come to know on this board.

Thanks.

Isgril, I am so sorry you feel this way. I have no great words to say to you. Just hang in there, we can do this! What you have written.... that is how I am feeling also. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am sorry, I don't like it and I feel I didn't ask for it and my children they sure didn't either, that is what makes me mad.
All I know is I love him,care for him and the only good thing that has happened out of this is I got to better myself and to find me again.
Sorry and I hear you!!!!

ISGirl -
How are you today? Sorry you had a few down days. You know that, unfortunately, down days are to be expected, right? There's just no way I could go through what we've all been through without feeling down once in awhile. It's OK, you're going through a grieving process and one of the steps is depression. The goal is to get to acceptance eventually, but it takes time. I'm not totally there yet, either.

Have you ever taken the enneagram personality indicator? Stillwed, who posts on the Recovery board, has a link to one form of it. I ask because you say that you are an action-oriented person, it would be interesting to see what enneagram type you are. I'm a type 9, very slow to make decisions, so perhaps in Plan B I'm more comfortable than someone like yourself who wants results NOW!

For me, waiting is dependent on 2 things. One, my WH hasn't initiated Dv, and if it comes to that, I'd prefer him to do the dirty work. The other issue is that I can't think of anything better to do than this Plan B stuff. I can imagine myself being in another relationship someday, but not until this one is over and I've processed it thoroughly. The house we own needs to be renovated, so if I encounter any legal snags about financing, etc, I may run out of patience quickly, but that hasn't happedned yet. What is it that you want to happen immediately that depends on your WH making a decision about your M?

A couple months ago I posted here about how long to wait in Plan B. The standard recommendation is 2 years. That seems long to me, but it has to do with the way relationships develop. At about 2 years you really know the person you're involved with, warts and all. If the A lasts past that, I guess the BS should give up. Of course, all situations are different.

ISGirl, it does get better. On a very basic level, I think my survival instincts kick in when I feel myself getting down for too long. I like who I am, and want to be that person, not the one twisted up by my WH's A. I guess I'm fighting for who I am, and after all this time it seems I'm winning. This forum has been very helpful, as we all know, in so many ways. Being with friends and family has helped me, too. Also, excercise, love those endorphins.

Keep posting! This is a great place! I wish you peace today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lablady

Thanks everyone who stood by me. I am feeling better tonight.

No2nos, I hope you, as well are feeling better, if only a little bit. As tough as my sitch is, I really feel it in my gut when I know about marriages like yours where there are children to be hurt by what the WS is doing. And there are SO, SO many of them.

Lablady, yee-haw for endorphins! I read your post earlier today, and had last evening made a commitment to myself, and myself only: I will lost the 10 pounds I want to shed, and I will get back into the weight work I have abandoned. I want to be thin(ner) and TONED. Well, I just finished a 60-minute weight training video and by this time tomorrow probably will not even be able to move my typing fingers. But, as they say, no pain, no gain! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bottom line, I guess is that we will have days when our strength is soaring and we will have days like the three I have just come off of. You are right - accept that these days will occur. Now, feeling stronger, I can say that, but when in the midst of the downer, it's hard to see that. Hey! Is that like the FOG, do ya think? Wow! Maybe that gives us BS's some insight into just how strongly emotion can rule - and color - our lives. Wow!

Thanks guys. Now, gotta go change the title of this thread again.

Let's hang tough and hang together.

ISG

Joining this thread!!!

Lablady,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is it that you want to happen immediately that depends on your WH making a decision about your M?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't know the answer to that. I don't know that there is anything I want to happen that is dependent on my WH making a decision one way or the other. I think it is just my impatience, my take-charge personality that's chomping at the bit while sitting and waiting and waiting and waiting. Hate limbo!

ISG

Welcome Matide. Glad to have you, I don't know much about your story please tell more. It has helped me to be here to know everyone really knows what you are feeling and what you are dealing with.

Isgril, Thank you for the kind words. Glad to here you are up alittle, stay strong and good luck with that ten pounds, my luck I will get it lolo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Can I join the Plan B club?
My husband left June 25. married 18 years, 2 sons ages 15 and 12. Said he has been "talking to someone" for the past 3 months, and she "makes him feel like the most important person in the world, which I never did for him"
He moved out with a friend from work. (not the OW - they are waiting a while to move in together for the benefit of her 2 kids)
Other woman is still married, although she told her husband to move out, she wants a Dv. Her H did move out for awhile, until he found out about my WH and her. Now he has moved into the home and told her to move. She and her 2 kids are living with friends (what a mess)
Anyway, not sure if I am officially PB. I just read the book recently. Prior to that, I had told WH that his constant phone calls, emails, and stopping by whenever he felt like it were breaking my heart, and he needed to quit doing it. Limit contact to child related, or money related issues. When he calls or emails, i keep my answers short. I am not hostile, just do not chat. I have not sent a PB letter, although I think he getts the point.
I have, on at least 3 seperate occasions, pointed out taht I would love to have conversations with him, have him come over to visit, or even move back into the house, but not until after he has ended the affair. So he does realize that I want our marriage to work, I just won't talk to him while he is still in the A.
I would like to share some of my current pet peeves:
1. People who suggest I go out an "meet someone".
2. People who tell me they saw WH or OW.
3. WH taking the boys out with OM and her 2 bratty little kids along.
4. Bad days that happen for no apparant reason.
5. Losing control of my emotions in front of the kids.
6. Constantly thinking about him.
At one point, I know my H was staying with her, and at the time I was sad, but also knew that reality would set in much faster that way. Unfortuantely my H had to move out after only 5 days because her BS came back to the hosue and made her move out.
I am not entirely sure where he is staying now. I know that he was staying with a friend from work at one point, but he told oldest son that he was looking for a place to stay with the wh**re - oops did I really say taht?
Heres another pet peeve -
The OW is real "gushy" I am told (I have only seen her once, and do not really know her, only what I hear from well meaning friends)
She likes to giggle at every thing he says, and they are real "lovey dovey" in public. He is 41 years old acting like a high school boy who just broke up with the old girl friend and moved onto a new one, and everyone else should just "get over it"
Anyway, this is long enough for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

womanoffaith5,
I hear you sister!!
I could've written your list of pet peeves!!
And the "just get over it" comments from my WH really get my goat!!
He refuses to acknowledge that me and the kids are suffering in any way!
Sounds like you are actually doing a pretty good Plan B! A letter might be a good idea, that way there are no misunderstandings! Ha! Although My WH has selective hearing, which has frustrated me throughout this ordeal!!
Keep up the good work!

Matilde,

Let me add my welcome to the Plan B thread. While we are never happy to see someone come over here, we can promise support, encouragement, cyberhugs, amateur advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , and redirecting when/if you're moving off target. But yes, please post some details of your situation. You posted to me on another thread of mine, and said my words really hit home for you. But tell us more; helps us feel like we can better relate to you.

No2nos,

Lucky for you, the Fitness Angel has guaranteed that any lost pounds will never land on a fellow Plan B'er, but will always land on both the WS and OP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So you need not worry. Don't you just wish we could make THAT happen!

Womanoffaith5,

Welcome to you as well. I LOVED your pet peeves list. I think we should keep it going. I'll add a couple:

* How long will you stay in Plan B? (novices to MB, after being "educated" about the philosophy, ask this); also known as - How long are you going to give him to make up his mind?
* Why do you still love him?
* Why are you waiting for him while he has his fun?
* Why don't you just move on?

I'm sure others here can come up with more.

Now...the letter. It absolutely, positively must be sent. Recommend you start a new thread, post your draft of your letter there, and ask the MB vets to edit/critique it. But remember above all: Plan B Letter is a love letter. It is telling your WH that you love him, you married him for life and when you said "I do" in front of God and witnesses, you meant it. Then kindly, lovingly, tell him that you cannot have contact until the A is over and he is ready for no contact. In your case, you may make exceptions for children and finances.

I can also send you a link with a BUNCH of sample Plan B letters (taken from actual letters sent to WS's) if you would like.

But the letter is important. It is tangible, it is the written word. It is not subject to interpretation (a.k.a. selective hearing). It is a must. We'll help all we can.

ISG

Good morning from Denmark and day 3 of Plan B. Can I join?

My stomach is churning, I don´t sleep, see nightmares of my WH and OW constantly, am short headed with my children, angry at WH for having NO sense of responsibility towards the kids, like calling to say goodnight or telling them when he will see them next. Ant then the overall feeling is just downright sad and in alot of pain.

I like others here feel like "waiting" is driving me insane. I simply don´t have the patience for it. What do I do to stop driving myself insane? I read that someone said 2 yrs in Plan B. TWO YEARS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Seriously? Two years of not moving on with your own life and holding the door open for WH? Two years of no love and affection and meeting of ones own needs?

Whew, I´m in Plan B for day 3, how do i get through 727 more days? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> IMHO I think I can maybe do this till the New Year, when I know where the money is coming from, where I am living and i have control of my life.

Right now the waiting is due to the fact that I have filed for legal seperation, but we haven´t being called in to settle these issues yet.

Do I love my WH? I love him to bits. But he is treating me and the kids worse than anything I ever imagined. He has no spine and I am losing respect for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Can any of you relate to that? When you lose respect and trust, how long will it take for love to dissappear as well?

Im sorry, I am in such a bad mood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Is it normal to feel like defying everything? Just wait and see, in a week I´ll be this teary bundle of a weakling... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

-queen-

Heya, ISGirl. Sorry about the major downer. One thing that I've found that helps me is to realize that just because -I'm- not doing anything doesn't mean nothing's happening. There have been more times that I can count when my interactions with WP have been essentially zero, and yet when I talk to others, something has changed on the other side. Whether it's things that I did or said in the past, things that are happening in WP's present, or something internal to WP, things DO HAPPEN even when you feel as though nothing ever has and nothing ever will.

I also find that it's of tremendous help to me to focus on the world around me when I'm in that state -- there are people and things everywhere that deserve and need my attention. I give it to them, and improve their situations and lives. Keep quarters in your pocket and look at parking meters as you walk by. Help a stranger to avoid a ticket.

Watch for cars with their lights on. Hold doors for people with too many packages. Make someone smile just because of the expression on your face. You -do- make a difference in the world every second that you live here. You might as well make the most of ever second of that, no matter where you are and who you're with.

Including yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

J of JHK-

Random acts of kindness. How wonderful of you!

Lablady

I'm calling you NOW WHAT.

Where are you? What are you up to?