Hi,

I have a question. Yes, I am in Plan B, but can't post particulars here because both WS and OP read stuff here (gag!).

So here goes: I recently was told by a very knowledgeable MB person that in order for me to find my peace in Plan B, I must not focus on the WS, that I have to mentally block WS out of my mind.

HOW?

I am active, have a rewarding career, no kids at home, I go to church, I work out. I do the things they say to do that are good for you. Pampering, self-improvement.

Yet for more than 20 years I have been married. My identity was tied to that marriage. Now, without the WS in my life, yes, I admit, I think of WS all the time. I wonder if there will be contact - email, a phone call, saying "I am ready to come home and work on recovery."

How have you all been successful (or have you?) in moving your focus from your WS? Gosh, even exercising, I recall when we did it together. I eat a certain food and recall that WS did or did not like it. Everything I do has a trigger of when we were together, when we were happy.

They say Plan B should imitate divorce. Yet, I know that if I were divorcing, I would not have the same focus that I do now. BECAUSE, now, I still have hope. And that hope turns all my thoughts to my WS.

Any comments?

*S*

Well, Sparkle, I know how you feel. 17yrs in my case. Kinda hard to think of life before marriage. My whole adult life was with my WW. I struggle and try not to think of her but things trigger memories like yours do. I just know I have to go on, even if she is not with me. Plan B has given me some peace of mind whereas when I saw her or talked to her, I was more emotionally messed up. Time... I think that is the only answer. I feel like I need to move on also, but I still love my W and want a life with her. That alone keeps me going... That and my 2 beautiful daughters! I couldn't have gone this long without the support of my Ds. They give me strength. I hope you find some way of not thinking about your WS. I know its hard. Take care of yourself and look forward to the future...

Sparkle -

I'll give you the same advice that was given to me the day that I couldn't get them out of my head: IT'S BORING. Look at it for true, from a little bit of distance, and you'll find it out. It's DULL beyond belief!!! They're having an affair! A tawdry, boring, yucky little affair that makes them act like fricking children, and this isn't even interesting enough to warrant fifteen minutes of an afternoon soap, much less prime time!

Your work and your exercise and even making dinner is more interesting than that! The book you're reading almost certainly has more plot twists, and cleaning the grout in the bathroom has more symbolic and actual value than spending your life in someone else's head!

Yes, that's really what I was told and you know what? It seems to be true. All of the pain and torture and stress and roller coaster stuff is BORING after a while. I really, truly enjoy the days when I finally get it out of my head and remember to breathe the air and listen to the crickets, to bake cookies and dance in the bedroom with no music playing at all. Life is wonderful and joyous; why worry about what someone who's NOT EVEN HERE is doing that might or might not be weird and hurtful? I could have spent all day doing that before and I didn't, so I'm not going to now, either.

I've got a lot of my own stuff to think about and my own stuff to work on, from getting the yard clean to digging out the grime under my psychic fingernails. And -that's- what's interesting to me. The rest of it is a distraction that's really not worthwhile.

Just J and Lexxy,

Thank you for your advice and insight. I think I will try to follow up on what both of you said and try to reach out to Cerri.

Just J - I am in DC, in fact. I would appreciate a good lawyer!

Well, kinda blew my no contact today. I'm an Alaska resident and I expected to get some money from the state next month, but my application was denied. My W and D's were supposed to get this money also. My D's may not get it either, however my W's application was approved. We were supposed to use this money to pay for repairs on a vehicle my D hit 2 months ago. I gave my WW a letter telling her that I would need to borrow money to pay this as we had made an agreement to pay for these repairs with this money. She called and left a message on the answering machine. I called her back. She wasn't happy with this and said the money was already spent on a deposit on an apt for her and the OM. I kinda did some LBing and now I regret it. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Isn't it great!!! Loving life on the WILD side!!!!!

I'll get through this some how, but it's just another set back I didn't expect. Talking with WW made me feel pretty crappy. I know she is still in the fog deep, but listening to her argueing made me think maybe I don't want her back. I know, I know, its just frustration. I'm not giving up hope, but some small sign from God, or her or anything would be nice about now!!!!

Sorry for venting, but you all are all I've got. No one else seems to understand. They think I should throw in the towel and call it quits. Take her for everything I can get and get on with life... I still love her still and hope somewhere deep beneath all the fog, she cares for me. At least I hope so...

Lost,

Vent away. We are all walking in the same shoes. OK, so you LB'd. We have all done it.

The biggest thing I see in your post is your pain. Again, something we are all sharing. Like you, we all believe that our WS's are not the people we married and loved. Underneath that costume they are now wearing is the kind, loving, devoted person we fell in love with.

You are absolutely right. No one else understands. Until they are in this situation they won't, either. Look back: would you have guessed you would be sitting there, living the MB life, waiting for your WW to come to her senses? Probably not. If asked how you would have handled it, you probably would have said that you would leave in a flash! Or throw her out in a flash! That the marriage would be immediately over. I know that's the way I would have - and did - answer that question. But then one day here you are, faced with it head-on. You deal with it the way YOU can, not the way friends and family members think you should. This is your life, your marriage, your family. You are the only one who can make a decision about your future. And it is way, way too early for you to make that decision.

Keep your chin up.

*S*

Lost without her.

What steps are you taking in your Plan B to be financially as strong as your WW or even stronger? Are you doing everything it takes to do that, because I have the feeling that maybe your WW has lost respect for you, because she has been the bread winner of the family, and for her to turn around you need to gain that respect again. If not for her but for yourself.

Just my 2 cents or actually danish kroners...

-queen-

Thanks Sparkle for the support. Queen, I am the bread maker in the household. I've always been. However, I have contributed to letting our finances get a little out of hand. When WW left, she left me with all the bills. I could pay all the bills on my salary but her pay check always paid for the niceties of life. The going out 2 or 3 times a week, the extra clothes for the kids, the unexpected things that pops up in life... Right before WW decided to leave, she thought it would be a real nice birthday present for the oldest D to get a truck. I know she knew she was going to leave before this and still let me buy my D the truck knowing darn well she wasn't going to pay for it. Not to mention the insurance on a 16 year old! Yes, WW may have lost respect for me but not because of financial reasons. I have held the same job for over 18yrs, she has probably had 50 jobs in that time frame. Not to mention, I put her through some college. Going to school was more important to her than having a good, steady job... Yes, I'm a little peeved at your post, but I know I shouldn't be. You have no idea about me and how could you. Again, I'm frustrated and venting, please don't take this personal...

Pearl -

Wacky! I'm glad I asked, and I have no idea what led me to do it. I really do know an excellent lawyer. Send me an e-mail at JustJ_MB@yahoo.com. Give me your number and I'll give you a call, or I'll just respond with the info.

So, I get this note from my WW. She says that maybe I should sell my D's truck to pay for the accident D had earlier. WW was supposed to pay for 1/3 of the damages, D was to pay 1/3 and I was to pay 1/3. WW said that by selling the truck, I'd have less debt and insurance would go down, none of which she is paying anyway. She knows I can't afford to give my D's much money to do things because of the situation she has left us in. Back to the truck issue, WW was very adament about getting this truck for my D's birthday knowing she was not going to help pay for it and was planning on leaving me to be with OM. I think she thought she could buy my D's love by getting her a truck then leaving afterwards. Wow, pretty heavy fog... Now, when it doesn't meet her needs, she just wants me to get rid of the truck so she doesn't feel guilty about us not having money to do the fun stuff we used to be able to afford to do with her income coming in. I think WW is beginning to feel the financial hole she left me in and is trying to find ways to fix it so SHE doesn't feel guilty. Now she is beginning to get on my nerves! Oh well, another day passes and I am still alive. I just hope one day WW will come out of the fog and really realize how much pain and suffering she has caused to our D's and myself. Even if we never get back together, I hope she realizes this...

Lost without her,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, I'm a little peeved at your post, but I know I shouldn't be. You have no idea about me and how could you. Again, I'm frustrated and venting, please don't take this personal...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry and no I do not know your whole story. It was just to give another angle to the situation, and obviously it was not the right one, but it did get you thinking and made you stand up for yourself and also realize how unbelievably unfairly (maybe even calculative?) that your WW has been treating you...

Though I do think it is best to think that deep down she meant well and did none of this to actually put you in this touhg financial situation. Its all a part of the cloud of fog she has been surrounded in.

Is there any possibility of having a talk with your D about the truck, selling it, switching it for a cheaper one? Maybe even her getting a teen job to contribute. I know that teenagers can be unbelievably egocentric and just want want want, but there might be a valuable lesson for her to learn on how things can change and how you deal with those canges with the best possible outcome for the whole family unit. Its not all about oneself, that others are to be considered as well. So far your WW has been teaching her the lessons of unthoughfulness and disrespect for other peoples feelings to pursue ones own egocentric whims with her affair.

Just another thought, please don´t take any of my comments as an attack, they are just thoughts, thats all!

Take care
-queen-

Queen,

Thanks for the post. I know you weren't attacking me in your earlier post. But I'm still not totally emotionally stable at this point and I take things personally when I shouldn't. This affair stuff really gets under your skin!!!

I feel alot better today. I really wish I hadn't broken my no contact the other day though. I should have taken the time to try and figure out other solutions to my financial dilema...

I was reading a post last night and it got me thinking. I don't know who's post it was and what it was about, but it made me feel somewhat better. This BS was talking about why this was happening to her. She said she heard a little voice inside her head that said because you were the strong one in the relationship. Because you wouldn't walk when times got tough. It made me think about my own marriage and how things could have gone the other way. I know my marriage was far from perfect. I had thoughts of finding something better at times, but was never in the position that would put me into an affair. Had that unfortunate oppertunity been placed in my lap, I may have been the WS instead of my wife. I don't know if I would have actually let myself be unfaithful, but I haven't been put into that position before and affair fog could have just as easily made me stray. However, reading that post, kinda said to me, yes I am the stronger one and I was supposed to be the one that holds this family together. I hope this is the case and eventually my WW will return and we can once again be a family...

Hi plan B'ers

I have been referred here by starfish. I am considering starting Plan B and I have some questions that maybe someone can throw some light on.

I have been Married for 15 years im 41 H 38 1 son
H is not having affair but left 2 months ago (due to financial problems with business). i have read the information on plan a/b because I thought it was only for when there was an affair going on. but from what I understood you can do plan a/b for any marriage breakup.

we have been in counselling for 3 weeks and he has just decided that he does not love me (he had previously been undecided and kept saying that he did not want to make the wrong decision). I am finding it very painfull seeing/talking to him , as he comes over or calls frequently and i call him too. I think it is time for me to go to Plan B because I feel I need to distance myself from the pain. i have written a letter explaining and asking him to deal with certain unresolved issues: joint a/c etc and business calls coming to the house.

what i want to know is:- just how is plan B supposed to work?? why is it supposed to make them want to come back? can you do it while you are still in counselling or should I stop counselling (he may have already decided not to go to MC).

Its not that Ive got to get him away from an OW its that he says he wants 'freedom' and is confused etc.!!

Anyone got any tips to share
thanks

Beach

Just checking in...Plan B is going pretty well I guess.

I have a new job that pays pretty well. I like my coworkers and the work is not difficult, although there is a lot to do.

My classes are going well, My Spanish is improving. I'm actually dreaming in Spanish! LOL! And I'm learning to read music...I can play a few little tunes on my guitar.

I've reconnected with lots of old friends...although they seem determined to convince me to "move on" -whatever that means. At least they get me out of the house all the time! I've been laughing, going out to the movies, going out to eat, meeting new people...I'd say I'm actually happy. Well...heartbroken, but happy if such a thing exists.

I'm still hanging onto a shred of hope...here in the dark. Hang in there everyone! Plan B works - whatever direction your marriage takes.

This thread is a good idea. Almost need to make a chat room to give me something to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I am having a hard time through my plan B also. Only been a week. (I have still not given WH my plan B letter but have told him I want no contact till the A is over.) I have written the letter and am just waiting till I am more emotionally stable to send it.

Last Monday I got meds. effexor XR and Lorazapam (for sleep). It is helping a little... am told when I up the dosage tomorrow as instructed it will be better. I am seeing a counselor and my family has been wonderful. (other than being negative about any kind of future recovery w/ WH.)
My WH's friends have been wonderful and seem to care more about me than WH does. Infact currently they want nothing to do with him.

Mornings are very bad for me. I am currently unemployed and have $$$ worries as WH has made no attempt to give support since newest development of moving in W/ OW. I could use some ideas of some activity to do in the AM to get my mind off of my life and look forward to waking up.

I have a very hard time with all of this because I believed he wanted our M. It seemed to have changed in his mind in a matter of hours. He had called a little over a week ago and asked me to spend the night at his house because he missed me then woke me up and sent me home so OW could come over. The pig. Very hard to get past.

My family says I will not get better till I decide it is completely over between us no matter what happens. I also feel like a complete idiot somedays for wanting him back once he is done with OW. I guess it just makes me a good person to be so loving and forgiving.

My night is ok and getting ready to get some sleep pretty soon.

I will check in often as it really helps me to talk to others about this. All of you MBers out there are wonderful and I am soo happy I have found this place. It has helped bring more peace to my life than I would have found otherwise.

Guess I am getting better the first few days I could not visit the website... It upset me too much. But now I am back to checking in daily.

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to all.

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: lookingfortruth ]</small>

Hello to all of you out there in MB land. I've been on the JFO board for pretty much the entire month of September and have been advised that this particular thread may do me some good...no pressure of course!

Ok, just a brief overview for all of you not familiar with my story. My W and I have been married almost 3 yrs. We built our house (the first for both of us) about a year ago. This summer we got to know all the nieghbors really well. I've never liked the way that the divorced guy 2 doors down has acted towards and around my W. I've told her this about a dozen times starting back in June. She has always blown me off when I brought it up to her. Anyway, she started staying out later and later with this guy and his buddies as the summer went on. She would fly into rage when I'd go outside to ask her to come home at 1 or 2 in the morning. On labor day weekend, I just happened to be standing in the street calling her cell phone at 3:30 am when she came out of his house all panicky. She begrugingly told me that he confided in her that he had "feelings" for her. Over the course of September, our M has been in this rapid downward spiral. Despite my expression of feelings, she continued to hang around him and stay out late in only his company. She started to talk about us taking a break and her moving out. Finally it all came to a head last weekend when I video taped him dropping her off at her car at 6:00 am monday morning. She told me she was going to a friends house and would be back after a while. Anyway, she was pissed and went home and packed a bag. She moved in with her folks and has been there a week now. I started plan A 3 weeks ago. I meet every need she would allow me to meet. I cut LB's cold (well, except for one incident regarding our kids having contact with OM), I've exposed the A to our families, I've called her on her behavior, I've kept tabs on her and told what I know...how I know...and how it makes me feel. When she moved out, Jenn (I'm sure you all know who Jenn is...you know...the MB coach) STRONGLY advised me that it was time for plan B. She said that since my W showed NO regard for my feelings and basically was throwing this in my face that plan A would be a short one. Jenn also advised that this was to take place soon, it could wait a couple of days but a week was too long. Well, the W and I decided to take our kids to Camp Snoopy on Saturday. We all had a GREAT time. The kids had a ton of fun, the W and I laughed alot, it was a very nice day. She did seem to be having a deep inner-personal struggle going on. It seemed that whenever she found herself actually having fun and getting close to me, she would go cold and distance herself from me emotionally. This cycle repeated itself all day long, several times. After we were done at Camp Snoopy, I asked her if I could take her out to dinner, to which she agreed. At dinner, however, thing changed in a heartbeat. She was cold and distant. We got to talking about us and the OM. She got deffensive and started to deffend him, telling me that she didn't want me saying anything to our kids about him. In any event, she started to throw in my face the notion that we are over, for me to get over it. She has moved on and so should I. That, we will NEVER be together again...get that thru my thick head. And so on. At this point I told her that, if that was the case, I would have to insist on no contact with her. Now, she knows all about Plans A&B, she has been lurking around here a little to see what it is that I've been up to. She thinks this is a cult. She has my letter. She flew into a tissy, calling me names, saying how childish this all was, why can't I just be an adult about this...so on. This brings us up to where we are now.

It has been one day and I already miss her so much. I just want to hold her and kiss her and want things to be ok again. This sucks! I've called over to her folks twice today to talk to my kids, both times when they are done talking they gave the phone to her and she just hung up without saying a word. I know she is probably just trying to give me a dose of my own med., but man that hurts. I find myself checking the VM very frequently to see if she has called. I am pathetic. How do I change this? Please help.

I'm glad you made it over here. I still think you probably need to change your identity if your wife comes to the board at all. When you do, your name will change every where. Then you can go and edit what you need to.

Ladies/gentlemen, on the beach, and the latest poster could really use some advice and help from some of you experienced Plan Bers.

Ok everyone, I have an important question here. When my WW moved out a week ago, I changed the locks on the house. Today, while I was out, she stopped by and wound up smashing a window to get in.

Questions:
1) Was it wrong for me to change the locks? Is that an LB?

2) What do I do now? Should I appologize and give her a key? or do I file a restraining order to keep her from damaging the house again?

She has threatened that if I lock the doors again, I'll lose another window. I did call the cops to get a report on file of the events. How do I handle this, she seems out of control.

I'm in no position to give advice, but it seems your WW is so deep in the fog she doesn't care about your property. It may be a LB, but I don't think so, but I'd get a restraining order against her. Especially since you are in plan B. I'd let her get whatever she needs and then she is out in the cold from that point... I told my WW she had no moral right to the house anymore when she left and asked her for the keys. She wasn't happy about that, but it got my point across. When your WW has to live with OM or find her own place with no support from you, she may find things aren't as pleasant as they seem...

I have broken my plan B once and wish I hadn't. I know WW is sad about her 2 girls she left behind. My oldest D had some things she had to do the other day and my WW asked her to come over. WW had just moved closer to our home and into a little nicer place. My D said she couldn't come over and my WW got very angry at her. She told my D that she moved closer to us and into a nicer place so she could spend time with them. Like she was doing my D's a favor or something! I guess she is finally getting the picture that it isn't just the place she lives in but her lifestyle and the OM is what is keeping her kids from her...

Other than that she seems content with where she is, which is about 5 steps backwards in her goals and dreams for the future. Oh well, her loss... Don't get me wrong, I still love my W and would jump at the opportunity to work on our marriage, but it looks like it may be a long road ahead at this point...

I hope things work out for you. There is a ton of support here so keep us posted on your developements. I'm sure you'll get better advice than mine...

I have another question.

How do detach emotionally from your spouse? I'm trying, but I can't seem to do it. Every time I try to do something for myself, or even to just get on with normal everyday activities I ust keep thinking of her not being in my life right now. It makes me so sad, I just break down into tears. I can't work, I can't enjoy anything right now. I find myself waiting by the phone, hoping she'll call and want to give us another shot. But, of course, she hasn't.

It's only going on day 3 of plan B, but I feel like it has been an eternity. I'm on some anti depressants, but they don't seem to be working too well over the last couple days. Am i the only one who is having such a hard time with this? She seems to be ok with not talking to me at all. She was angry at first, when i told her. But now she seems like this is exactly what she wants. She is at her folks house, which is 55 miles away from here. Yesterday she told me that I should not pick up the kids friday after work because she will be staying in town friday night and will drop them off. I asked were she was going to be staying, she said it was none of my business and hung up. I know damn well where she will be staying...OM's house. It seems she is still throwing this whole thing in my face. What can I do about it? The only contact I told her was ok was in regards to the kids. But she still has found ways to get her diggs in. She seems to be finding a certain enjoyment at hurting me. That might be the most painful thing so far.

Has anybody else gone thru these things? Is my wife just especially cruel? What is wrong with her, a month ago she was the kindest, most loving person I knew. Now, she just wants to hurt me, and has no regard for how this is affecting our kids. I need help.