RJP - I have gotten good at emotionally detaching. You are still very close to D day and it will be hard at first. Accept the fact that your wife is in "the fog". It's like the movie "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers." She looks and talks like your wife, but is not the same person. It does no good to catch her, beg, plead, reason or talk to her. However don't take this personally - just realize that she is currently "possessed". Now here is what works, remember I'm an old lady (55) so you will have to taylor your program for what a young dude needs. Make up your mind to take care of YOU- no one else is going to. I started forcing myself to walk a mile every morning. Do it every day. Told everyone I knew that I needed their help and was interested in doing stuff (even though I didn't FEEL interested). Started organizing my papers, house, rearranging furniture, redoing yard, swimming, going to Bible study, buying stocks, drywalled bathroom, painted house, looking for cheap classic car, going to Mexico, and on and on. You will have to do something that you might get some enjoyment out of, even though right now you don't feel like it. The brain is funny, it has to think about something. Every time I thought about H and OW, I switched thoughts to what stock to buy, what color paint, etc. My H has noticed yard changing and diferent projects going on and me not being home. He has made some attempts at contact, but I'm keeping up Plan B. And I feel good about myself, my house, yard, and the changes I have made. I promise it will be hard at first, but once you get rolling you will feel so much better and enjoy your accomplishments. Take care and get going doing something each day.

Want My Wife Back,

I know how you feel. I went through the same thing. I'm still going through it but nowhere near as bad as it was in the beginning. My WW moved in with OM 2 wks after D-Day. I plan A'd for a very short while and went through the living hell you are probably going through. But I did what Believer did, I got busy. I started doing things even though I had no desire to do them. Anything I could do to stay busy so I wouldn't have to think about her. Its been a struggle. Plan B has helped me considerably. Since I do not see or communicate with her, it has been easier not to think about her. Don't get me wrong, I think about her everyday, but it is easier now. I even have a few good days every once in awhile. Actually, it's getting better as time goes by. Hang in there, you can get through this. Start doing some things you've always wanted to do but didn't have the time or you couldn't because your wife didn't want to do it with you. Believe me, she is doing things she would never do with you to please her new love. She is in some deep fog, so she is not the woman you know. I know "my" wife would never do some of the things that WW is doing now. I know its hard to think that "fog" can make them do these things, but believe me, its "fog"...

I live in Alaska and summer here is awsome and everybody fishes. Well, all winter all I could think about was fishing. After D-day I had no desire to do anything. It has taken a good 2 months to finally begin to enjoy doing things. I started losing weight because I had no appetite and almost puked every time I took a bite of food. Well, I kept losing weight after my appetite came back, but it is starting to level out. I've been working out and have been getting compliments on how I've changed. So, this has boosted my ego some, and believe me, it needed boosting after all this. I have been going out occasionally with friends and it has brought some enjoyment back into my life.

My D's have been a life saver also. We have become closer and I feel I've become a better father to them. If I didn't have them, I think I would have folded under the pressure. Kids are wonderful things!!!!!!!!

My best advice to you is to work on yourself. Become the best person you can be. Try to stay busy and take this time to do the things you've always wanted to do. You don't have to answer to anyone right now, so enjoy yourself and eventually you'll become stronger. One day you'll be able to say that you can go on with or without her. I know I'm getting close to that right now. I will wait, but it is because I want to, not because I feel I need to. I hope you feel better and get out and do something to make yourself happy. Take care and keep posting...

lost- That's another thing that I've started doing, fishing. My H never cared for it, but my boys (18 and 21) love it. Even though it is late in year we got fishing licenses and go down ocean in evening. Lots of fun! Not quite like Alaska, no salmon, but we get croakers, sandbass, sharks, and even an octopus last week. We take a picnic dinner, a lantern and have a great time. In fact my boys would go with me every night if I would. Sounds like you are on the right path.

I posted this question over on the JFO board and will ponder it here as well (no offense, but there are some folks over there whose advice I have grown awefully respectful of and still want their input in this stage of the game, so forgive the redundancy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

How do I do Plan B if she won't leave me alone? She moved out but thinks she can come and go in and out of this house whenever she pleases and i can have nothing to say about it. She demanded that I find the title to her car and wouldn't tell me what it was for. The car is in her maiden name only, we still owe money on it and, not that it matters to anyone, but I've made every payment on it thus far! She has stated the she will be staying in town on Friday adn won't tell me where, I can only assume the OM's house. What can I do to protect myself here? She has no regard for my feelings, she won't respect any boundries, she simply doesn't care about me at all. How is plan B to work under these conditions?

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

Do you own your home or are you renting? You could ask her for her keys to the house or you can change the locks. I told my WW to give me the keys back. She said she had every right to have a set of keys because the mortgage is in both of our names. I told her she gave up her "moral" right to the house when she left to be with OM. She was angry but gave me the keys. I told her not to come over when I'm home and so far she has adheared to this agreement.

Your WW sounds like she is in some very deep fog. I think she does things to hurt you so you will divorce her and shift the blame to you. I think she is hurting also and just wants you to fight with her so she can justify being with the OM. Just remember she is in a fog and will do things to justify the affair. An affair is like an addiction and anything that interferes with her high gets her angry.

Thats why plan B is very important. If you have no contact with her she can not hurt you emotionally with her bulls**t. It also makes your WS know how it would feel without having you in their life. If you are going to do a plan B, go all out with it. Sever contact all together and don't let her break that contact. If she comes to your house, don't answer the door. Get an answering machine and screen your calls. Don't let your WS have the upper hand or she will continue to have her cake and eat it. You have the power to do whatever it takes so just do it! Just my opinion. Like you said in your earlier post, there are others whom you take your advice from. I know there are some really good people on this board and I've taken advice from many of them. So, yes its a good idea to post wherever you need to get the best advice possible. Good luck and keep posting and never give up...

Well, I did change the locks. She got mad and broke a double glazed, argon filled, thermo-pane window with a baseball bat to get in! She said her atty. advised her that it was her house to and it wasn't a crime to damage your own property. We own the house, the mortgage is in my name only. I've considered filing a restraining oreder to keep her away from the property. But I think that would be a major LB. You can't talk rationally to her right now, she is in la-la land. She is just running roughshod over everyone around her. Without taking legal steps, it doesn't seem like anything else will keep her away.

want-
Since entering Plan B I have heard from my H more than in the last 3 months. These folks are angry and scared and don't believe you mean NC. I use the broken record technique. Sunday morning when he stood on my porch for 2 hours trying to talk to me, I finally went to door and said "Did you read my letter?" When he calls to find out if I will still go to counseling I say "It's all written out in my letter". (NC contact with OW and a plan to work on marriage). In the meantime like Redhat said let them stomp and fume.They need to realize that you mean business, or you're at their mercy again. Plus it protects you from all their deception and protects your love for them.

Not having a great day today. For some reason at work I started thinking about WW and got darned depressed. I can usually keep my personal life away from my work, but somehow, I let it interfere today. I got real depressed and moody and then someone said something and I kind of got very angry with them. The bad thing is is that it was so trivial that on a regular day, I would have just shrugged it off. I am probably one of the most laid-back people in my shop and I just went off. I feel pretty crappy about this and then the 45 minute drive home wasn't much better. Well, I just finished dinner and I feel a whole lot better. Just needed to vent......

You gotta love this.
Phone call to the house this evening for WW. Told him WW was not here, I was her husband. Guy on phone says since WW has been staying in Doubletree Inns so often they are offering a special rate to her. Told him that WW has been staying in hotels with OM which is why she's no longer here. Guy says he's been there, and is sending me a certificate for two nights free stay at any hotel in the chain! Think I'll take my Ds on a weekend vacation someplace nice.

Believer,

So, you started fishing. Isn't it great?! I've fished all my life. Moved up here to Alaska about 2 1/2 years ago. Salmon fishing is awesome if you can handle the crowds. This season wasn't good for me, but it really wasn't a good season anyway. Not nearly as good as the last 2 years. Maybe I'll do some ice fishing when it gets cold...

Were you always close to your boys? I've always been fairly close to my girls, but all this has brought us even closer together. We still fight about the usual stuff, you know, clean your room, pick up your dishes, feed the dogs. You know what I mean... They definately have given me the strength to get up every day.

23down,

Hey that hotel thing was pretty funny. I know it probably wasn't when you got the call, but some things you just have to laugh at or you will cry. I make jokes all the time about my wife at work. My boss has this little saying he uses when you do something right, he says, "So & So, who loves you?" I reply, "Well, I can tell you it ain't my wife!" He and I laugh. I have to do this or I'll feel crappy all the time. You've got to have a good sense of humor sometimes...

I hope you can take your kids and have a good time at one of those hotels. Its always great to find one with an indoor pool so you can play with the kids and relax at the same time...

Today was a pretty good day. My WW brought over a check for money she said she'd give me to pay for my D's auto accident. It still wasn't what we agreed upon. She gave me a check for a portion of the amount and another post dated check for the rest. I guess that's better than nothing. She just doesn't understand committment right now. She asked my D to get me so she could talk to me. I said no. She said she had something to give me. I told my D to give it to her or I didn't want it. This was the checks I mentioned above. She gave the checks to my D, then she had the gall to ask my D to ask me if I wanted to ride with her to our D's football game on Saturday. I guess she doesn't understand that I won't talk to her!!!!!!!!! This is actually the first time she initiated any kind of contact with me. I don't know if that is good or bad!!! Well, I don't plan on breaking my plan B again...
So, that's my day. Not too bad....

I used to read this thread a lot, and got a lot of help from it, but it has seemed to start to die off.

Please, B'ers...help keep this going. This was a great support thread, and one-by-one people have fallen off.

Now, optimist that I am, I am thinking here that maybe they have fallen off because they have graduated and are in recovery...maybe life is good. I certainly hope so.

But for the rest of us...let's continue to help each other out.

My WS is still in the fog, periodically will reach out and try to bait me, but I am having none of it. Am ignoring each and every attempt. Every once in a while I think that WS is starting to have a clear moment, but it proves false.

It is hard to keep on, holding on to hopes for your marriage when you know your WS is continuing to see OP and have a relationship there when you are alone and - per MB "rules" - not supposed to have any kind of relationship outside of the marriage. Wow...that is tough!

Some days are ok...some days are awful...same comment about weeks, hours, months and moments!

*S*

Part of the reason no one is posting because when you go in Plan B, not too much happens at first. Haven't heard from my H in 12 days. Haven't been upset by his constant deception. Really nothing to post. Feeling much better, continuing to work on myself and house. About being alone - I'm having trouble with that. (See post on moral question on general questions board). But I think we do need this board, it just doesn't have the constant UPROAR of the other boards - we are healing.

In the quiet and alone-ness of Plan B, I think you're right that there's not much to post about your marriage. At best, it's on hold while you're in Plan B.

But the person continues. The person .... grows, changes, evolves.

That, it seems to me, is what's worth writing about. It's still so very much quieter than the things that happen in Plan A, the things that happen in the awful hell that is D-Day, the things that happen in the hells and purgatories of neither Plan A nor Plan B.

But that quiet, that time for contemplation and renewal, it seems to me, is in many ways more worthwhile than the latest "gossip" of he-said-she-said-he-said. In those quiet moments of running or biking or meditating or showering, that's when the clarity starts to come back.

That's when you start to find out who YOU are again. That's when you read a book that's about nothing more complicated than Quantum Field Theory. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> That's when you remember how much fun it is to bake cookies with your kids, or to sleep earlier and later than you're used to doing, or to be able to really finish that last bit of stuff you want to finish at work and know that you're not going to be in trouble for it when you get home.

Those things are worth the time and effort to write about. They are, in many senses, the salve to the wounds we've taken before. Why not share the healing in the same strength and numbers we use to share the hurts?

Hello, everyone getting ready to join the Plan B'ers I have a bad fence sitter with iceing all over his face, so this is going to take PlanB.

Sparkle, how are you? Glad to have ya here in Plan B, but sorry for the reasons it brought you here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Do you think you could please look at my letter on page 7 of my post and tell me if it is ok? I have not gotten no feed back on it and I have to follow through with this.I have to do it and I can! Thank you

N2N,

Hi Sweetie, going over there to look at it right now.

*S*

Just J,

You are on it! 100%. After months of Plan B, I am accustomed to the alone-ness, the quiet, the peace that I have found. I am enjoying me...me! And I am actually weaning myself from the constant need to come here to this board and read, read, read. I still do, but not with the voracious appetite I once had. I now believe that I was looking for the one single answer here that would bring back my WS. There is none. And I now know that I have truly let go...not of my hope for our relationship to survive, but of my WS...I now know that I have no control over the behavior of another person and that the A will end when my WS decides it should end, and not when I want it to.

Now, as the peace and solitute wash over me on my days off, I am able to totally relax. I am actually at a place where I enjoy coming home and having the place to myself.

Does that mean I don't want my WS to choose our M? No. But I know now, especially after reading many of the posts from those just starting in recovery, just how difficult it is. It sends you back into the relationship struggles you left when you started Plan B. Hopefully in recovery, however, you will have the help and guidance of a professional...it's still going to be hard work.

So for now...day by day, enjoying and savoring each and every moment. As someone said sometime ago, "Plan B is the time to do those things for YOU that you never had the time to do whem you were with your WS." I am doing just that.

Yes, I am at peace...finally.


*S*

I, too, hope that we can keep this thread alive. I haven't posted for a while because I hate to be negative on a support thread. PlanB does not seem to be having any effect on WW. I still miss her and she is acting as if I don't exist.
I am begining to believe that WW will never come home because of my financial situation. I make good money. 3000 square foot home, new car every two years, etc. But OM is a multi-millionaire. He gives WW thousands for rent and clothes. OM and WW are right now in Barbados. I simply can not compete financially.
Does that make WW shallow and selfish? Everyone wants to hit the lottery. And I'm loosing hope that my love will ever prove to be more important to WW than OM's money.

It's been an emotional week. I need to stop asking my D's about WW. It just depresses me. Yeah, I know, I should not be doing this. I said to my D today that if I ask her about her mom, to not tell me anything. Last week oldest D told me WW and OM were fighting. This week youngest D tells me they are going bear hunting together. I couldn't get my W to do any kind of outdoor stuff with me and yet she goes camping, fishing, and now bear hunting! I wish I didn't know these things, it just depressing.

23down,
If your W chooses OM for his money, she'll probably never be happy. Sure its nice to have it but it doesn't bring love into your life. And without love, relationships will not last. So, don't give up hope...

Sparkle,
I wish I were at your stage. I do find some happiness in my freedom. I stay fairly busy most of the time. I try to keep the house clean with 2 teenage daughters. Thats a monumental task in itself. Add cooking, working and home improvement products, I don't have much time for anything else. Its when I just try to relax, I start thinking about her....

Anyway, tomorrow starts a new week. Life goes on and I will be ok, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I have come to the realization that I can live without her. And when I'm smart and don't think about her, I'm fine....

23down,

Money is nice, the trappings are nice...travel, "things," but you know what? There has to be warmth, love, commitment beneath the dollar signs, and OM certainly doesn't seem to possess those if he is willing to buy off his wife of 34 years. This is a fling for him as much as it is for your wife. I believe she will love the things, luxuriate in her new-found wealth, but will come to realize that money is cold. Money has no heart, and neither, I believe, does the OM she's involved with. This might take a little longer than some A's to burn out because there is the additional appeal of the money and that is having a very real seductive effect on her. She will realize eventually that money is a tool to the OM, a bargaining chip. He will use it to buy emotions - love, forgiveness, etc. I have seen this happen. My father, while not a multi-millionaire, did it to my mother throughout their marriage, and my mother was empty of emotion. Very sad. But this message is intended to buoy you, because I don't believe this relationship will last. You will have to be patient, however, because it may take a while to end.

Lost-without-her,

It has taken many, many months for me to arrive where I am. And I honestly do not know what got me there, other than the passage of time. When I sit down after the chores are done, do I think of my WS? Yes, actually I do. I wonder where the A is, I wonder where WS is emotionally and mentally. I wonder if I am going to be capable of dealing with the work of recovery. That's I guess where you arrive at the peaceful part of your existence. It feels so good to be out of the constant pain, crying at unexpected moments (oh yeah, they still occasionally happen, don't get me wrong), the freedom feels wonderful.

Where I am right now is that my WS, whenever the A ends, is going to have to be in a position to convince me that life together will be an improvement over what I have now. It will take more than hearing "I'm going to try..." from WS. It will take commitment, selling me on the positives WS can offer to my life. It will be like starting over, lkike when we were dating, just getting to know each other...learning about the other's beliefs, likes, dislikes, etc. It will take honesty, learning about the history that has occurred - both in terms of behavior and thought processes, mental growth, and more.

I am at a pretty good place. I do not want a divorce, that is not where I am. I get lonely, the kind of lonely you experience for the love of your life, not for friends. I miss the partnership that marriage brings. But I don't miss the pain, the suffering, the neglect I experienced while WS selfishly indulged in the A.

Well, enough rambling! Happy Monday to All!

*S*

Man, Sparkle, you're right in lock-step with me in terms of where your head is. I'm not in Plan B (see my thread for an entirely-too-long explanation of what I'm in), but the thought process is the same. I am where I am. I am happy, I am safe, I am secure. I have a lot of time with my daughter. I have a good life.

It's an important thing, to me, realizing that my own life, separate from WP's, is really, really good. That it is full of people I love, full of things I enjoy and enjoy doing. It's full of kittens and babies and laughter. It's full of life and joy and serenity.

Life is really pretty good.

I want my WP to return to our marriage.

And I do not want to lose the good life that I have in the process.

For most people, I guess the end of Plan B is when you realize that you're no longer willing to give up any of the good life you have in order to repair your marriage.

For me, oddly enough, that may be the beginning of Plan B. I'm not really sure.