Hey all you Plan B people, are you still around? I've been in Plan B for 5 weeks with just one slip. Today I found out from OW's H that OW and my H have moved in together. Thank goodness for Plan B, my first thought was I just don't care anymore. Have moved on with my life and it was like hearing gossip about someone I know. My biggest problem now is not being tempted to do the same thing H did. It seems like men are coming out of the woodwork wanting to go out. And I'm OLD - 55. I think they see a separated women and figure she is desparate. I have been very tempted just to forget my vows and have some fun. Anyone else having problems in Plan B?

Believer,

How do these men know you are separated?

*S*

Hey Believer, stay the course! Stay away from these guys while you're in Plan B. (The ones who're worth it will be there when you're ready, never fear.)

I momentarily had these thoughts one day. Cerri kicked me good and hard: "And this would be different from an affair HOW??"

Err. Right. It would be an affair. *sigh* Moving along...

Personally, I'm finding that while the thoughts occasionally come up, I'm not really intereted in acting on them. I really enjoy chatting with someone (male or female) in Starbucks or The Pancake House, because it's just so nice to have a cheerful conversation with someone! Still, I don't need more than that right now, and I make sure that it's NOT more than that right now.

Feeling kinda blah today. I heard my D on the phone with her mom and she said something about the OM. My curiousity peeked so I tried to listen in. My wife asked D what she didn't like about OM. My D, not wanting to be too disrespectful, said he was too quiet and he smelled... She asked D also was OM so bad. I don't know what D said. This whole thing just got me thinking, WW is trying to figure out what to do. Whether to stay with OM or come back. And it just kinda made me mad...

When we were in counseling, W said OM didn't mean anything to her. Things weren't great with him and he just happened to be there when she decided to move outside the marriage. Apparently a lot of fog talk and still in the fog as to whether she has feelings for him or not. I think she is starting to get lonely for her kids and she knows the holidays are coming up. She has been talking about possibly coming back and is in the deciding phase...

Well, after hearing her talking to my D on the phone and knowing she still has feelings for OM and she is undecided on whether to come back or not, now I'm not sure whether I want her to come back or not either. I do want her to come back eventually, but I want things to be over with the OM and I don't want her coming back for the wrong reasons. I would rather be alone then constantly wonder if she is planning on leaving again. Actually, getting up this morning I almost felt glad she wasn't here. I am getting used to not having to be quiet when I get dressed and get my coffee and breakfast. I'm really not that lonely at night anymore either. I'm not sure if I like this or not. It's kinda nice but its also a little scary thinking maybe I just want to move on without her. I'm sure tomorrow or the next day I'll feel different, but today I feel blah, but OK...

Back again - sparkle - these men know I'm separated because they are neighbors, workmates, friends of my friends etc. Just J- I might even take up with women. I am really at a low point as far as marriage is concerned. I've gone too long without companionship, while H has been with OW for the last 8 months. It is really tempting for me. I hope I don't give in, but I'm very afraid I might.

Lost-Without-Her - Please remember that Plan B is to protect YOU. And if you do stuff to mess with Plan B (like listening in on a phone call), it's like you've decided to go ahead and put you hand on a hot stove even though you know it's going to hurt. Take this protection seriously. Look at the pain you're in right now. Was that worth the small amount of additional information that you got? What you got is that your WW is still thinking about OM. That shouldn't be all that surprising to you, really, and yet it's thrown you back into that unpleasant place where you question everything. Take a deep breath and find your calm center again. You are allowing yourself to hurt, and inviting the pain to you. Choose to take a different course. Allow yourself to be calm and invite peace instead.

Believer - Well, seeing as how I'm a woman whose WP (wayward partner) is also a woman, I've got to say that if you're thinking about dating women, it's not the women part that would bother me. It's the dating part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So..... how about small gatherings where you're not one-on-one with anyone? You surely know couples you can invite over to have dinner, or who you can go to a movie or show with. That's a safe venue for companionship, as is a night out with a couple of female friends.

JustJ- I do all that, have some great neighbors that include me in everything. Also do things with women friends. The problem is I already had my midlife crisis several years ago, and really came to terms with how I thought my life would be, and was finally satisfied. Now all that has been pulled out from under me. Since I've been in Plan B I've been working, cleaned the house til there is nothing left to clean, remodeled, organized, exercised, did the yard, the car, finances, painted. Now what? My days are full and happy. I'm starting to think about a life without my H, and the endless possibilities. That's why Plan B is so great. It gets you off the rollercoaster and lets you detach enough to be able to go on alone if WS continues with A.

Believer, you sound like you're doing wonderfully well. I guess my question is this: Why does your future have to include a romantic partner right now? How about taking the time you've always wanted to learn the joys of watercolor painting, or playing the bass in a rock band, or volunteering at a local school?

FlyLady writes about finding your passion. It seems to me that you have a wonderful opportunity right now to really contemplate the things that you're passionate about, to research those things, and to take steps toward actually doing them. You said you were satisfied with your life and that's absolutely marvelous to hear, and I guess what I'm asking is for you to look deeper in YOU and uncover the parts of you that you always thought, "Nah, I can't do that. I don't have the time/resources/energy/skill/talent/whatever." Now's the time!

JustJ - Thanks for bringing that up. Yes, I do need to find something I'm passionate about in my life. Right now thanks to Plan B I'm doing fine. I work, have friends, and have been very blessed. My children are grown and doing fine. It's just that I miss having an intimate relationship. I like being married and having someone to share things with, the bad and the good. H and I shared 8 children together, 2 mine, 4 his, and 2 step children. I was very busy working and taking care of kids. Now they are all on their own, and he is with OW. Even though I work full time, volunteer at a women's shelter, clean etc., it is not enough. I want a partner and helpmate. I will continue in Plan B, and hope my H comes back, but also have accepted that this may not happen. And I will move on, and I will love again. I hope everything works out with you and your partner, but at some point you may have to consider continuing on by yourself. It is something we all have to face.

Just J,

Hi! Do you have the link for Flylady's search for passion?

Yeah, can do a search. But others might benefit as well.

Thanks!

*S*

Today was going ok. Thought about the W a little but it wasn't too bad. Did some house work and was washing the dishes when my 2 Ds started fighting over the computer. When my Ds start fighting over the computer, it usually gets really nasty. I had grounded them about 2 weeks ago about the same thing. I warned them to chill out. My oldest started mouthing off to me and said I always take the other Ds side on things. I just couldn't take it any more. I blew up, started yelling at my oldest D. I know I'd never hurt them physically, but I know I hurt them emotionally when I do this. I feel so angry at myself for doing this. I know its not their fighting alone that made me snap. I'm not doing real well emotionally. I really need a break from all this...............

Disappointing news. WW emailed me today to say that her attourney has advised her to sign the seperation papers and file for an uncontested divorce. She says this is similar to a disillusion except that we do not even have to appear in court. I will have to check with my attourney, but it looks like WW is going to try to end the M ASAP. Of course, she can not file this way unless I also sign the papers so I may try to stall for a while. She has been seeing OM for a year this month, I've been in PlanB for three months. I'm not sure whether to break PlanB and talk to her now or just wait and see how determined she is.

23,

Please...don't sign anything, unless you want to end the M. If you are still in the mindset that your M is worth fighting for, don't sign.

Now, whether to break Plan B to talk to her and tell her that...perhaps just a quick email that says "W, I am disappointed you wish to take this path. I cannot, however agree because I still love you and believe in our M. I will not sign the agreement. Love, H"

That way you tell her your position, you tell her why, and you express that you still love her.

Just my thoughts. All the best.

*S*

Hello all. Hope you have room for one more Plan B'er.

Short version of my story; Me BS 56 yoa - WW 42 yoa - 3 D's 16,15,14 - DD 9/13/03, left me, D's , dogs, house and moved in with sis 10/5 - plan A since 9/19 when found this site. Plan B now before lose all love and respect for WW.

I have been reading this thread in anticipation of going to plan B. Delivered PBL last night (also sent copy to OM)and when she got it this morning - pissed. Demands we meet and talk about getting her a place.

Just need support as I know most say this is as bad or worse than plan A.

Only question I have right now: is it okay to read her e-mails to me if I don't respond, or is it okay to respond to children related topics or if I do respond then she will know I am reading them and can communicate negative thoughts to me even if I don't respond???

Thanks and you all will be in my prayers.

DD

devastated- Stay in Plan B, no communication except for things related to children. Plan B is not as hard as Plan A. It gives you real peace of mind, and lets you step back and look at whole situation. Hang in there and don't give up.

Devastated,

You need to get a third party to be as a go betweeen for you and your W. Don't read her emails, these will only make you want to talk to her or get depressed. I've done some dumb things like listening in on conversations between my Ds and WW and asking Ds about their mom. Plan B is not just for her sake to help end the affair by letting the OM meet or attempt to meet all her needs, but it is about emotional detachment for you. If you read her emails or listen in on phone conversations, all this does is prolong the depression. When you go no contact, you should go 'no' contact... Just my opinion. I've been there and each time I would get glimpses of what WW was doing, it set me back. Stay strong and work on yourself during this time. Do some things you've wanted to for a long time. Keep posting...

Hi everyone. Five weeks in Plan B and now OW has moved in with my H. I found out from her H. Really it has not upset me too much. I had a great night last night. My stepdaughter took me and granchildren out for pizza. It was wonderful to spend time with them. My H's kids have not contacted me very much. Sdaughter said she does not know what to say to me. She brought up my WH several times and I told her that I wish things were different, but can't be sad forever. Anyway it was lots of fun and I'm taking grandaughter out Sunday for a birthday lunch and some skater shoes. Hope everyone else in Plan B is doing okay, it has really helped me.

Holy cow! Got some action now. Day 2 on plan B and must of had 20 calls total from WW. Listened to 1st on answer machine then the next 10 I just deleted as soon as I heard who it was. Then must of been 8-10 on my cell phone that I just ignored. Thank goodness for caller I.D.

She also sent short e-mail and finally I got call from intermediary. I told her to have WW review lines 15 & 16 in PBL (All contact with OM ceases and wants to work on M) and I would only be available to talk when those criteria were met. No talk on Xmas/Tky day/or any other topic.

This is better than sitting around in plan A - so far.

Kids don't know about OM - thinks mom is just away getting head straight (I won't tell them she has to). Tried to explain to them that I only wanted to talk to mom about fixing our M problem and that I was all talked out about other things since I had been doing that for the last 2 months.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent and what do I expect next? A cooling off or more of the same?

Stayin' Dark

DD

devastated - Stay dark, it gets funner and funner. I've been in Plan B for 6 weeks and H and OW are now living together. The best part is H was spending $250. to $300. a week on OW, and now he has no money (he's paying for place to live, food, Harley payment, etc.) Now he has about $20.00 a week to spend on extras. I'm loving it. Of course they were having fun before, with tons of money to spend. Now they are living like the rest of us. Plus the added benefit is now I realize that I can live without him. My life is getting better and better, and his is getting worse and worse. He was planning to retire in about 3 months, well that's out if he wants to have the extras like food and a roof over his head. Plan B has been a lifesaver for me. I have been freed of the power of the A, it no longer threatens me. Hang in there and stay in Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Hi! Do you have the link for Flylady's search for passion?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whoa! I so totally missed this post. Sorry, Sparkle! I don't know if that particular letter of hers is on her website or if it just goes out to her newsletter. I know she sends it out occasionally, so the next time I see it, I'll try to remember to post it here.