I've read you orginal message and haven't read the others, but you got my attention when you said that you're locking away your heart in hope that one day he'll realize it etc. Well, I'm not in a good situation right now and I kinda know what you're going through. You heart gets hard. My H told me June 2002 that he didn't think he loved me. 2 weeks later, he came back and said "Oh I made a mistake I do love you. I was just unhappy w/myself." During that time, I found out that he went to a strip club had a lap dance, sent flowers (not roses) to his secretary (because she got served divorce papers) (10 years younger BTW) and was out a lot after work w/fellow coworkers. During that time, I read anything I could get my hands on to better myself, and found this website and read a lot. But I'll tell you, every day that went by and I didn't know where my life was heading, my heart grew hard. Every day I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. To this day, he really hasn't romanced me back into this relationship and I have walls around my broken heart.

Like I said earlier, I only read the original, things my be different now. Hope so.

Chelray,

Is your husband having an affair, even an emotional affair, possibly with the secretary?

How much have you read here about Marriage Builders and, more importantly the signs of an affair?

Sounds to me like you might want to start investigating some things on your own.

Good luck to you and keep posting here.

*S*

Not much new. I am a little angry at WW. I gave her a letter asking her to open another bank account. We have a joint account that only she uses but I'm the primary on the account and we have loans against it. She has bounced several checks and since I'm the primary I get all the nasty grams and it goes against my name. So, I told her she had a week to do this. We also still have joint car insurance and I always wonder if she is going to pay her portion. So, I told her to open her own policy. She hasn't responded to the letter. But, that's not what gets me angry. My D had a Volleyball Tournament last night and because I was going, my WW decided not to go. D has another tournament on Wednesda and W asked her if I were going. Of course I am, and W said she doesn't know if she will go. You know, its one thing to not want to talk to me or see me, but when it interferes with her relationship with her D, that really pisses me off. Also, W has not spent a whole lot of time with Ds in the last couple of weekends. She doesn't seem to have a problem spending time with OMs kids though. She almost makes me sick!!! But, I keep telling myself, its the fog. I sure hope so, because I don't know if I like this woman too much, much less love this woman right now... Other than that, I'm doing ok. Looking forward to the holidays. I don't really feel that bad about not being without her for the holidays. I'm having several people over for Thanksgiving and I've got some good gift ideas for x-mas. At least I'll have my Ds with me also...

Well it's finally happening, I have run out of love for H after only 6 weeks in Plan B. Has this happened to anyone else? He is now living with OW and deeply in love with his "soulmate." I just don't care anymore. I think there has been too much disrespect by both OW/WH. She used to flaunt A in my face, and he sided with her. He completely abandoned me, emotionally, financially, etc. I truly believe that I am better off with out him. He has displayed a complete lack of character and compassion, which are the main reasons I fell in love with him. Some days I even wish them well. I am done.

I gave my WW a letter asking her to get a separate checking account. Yesterday I came home and there was the old checkbook and checks from our account. She also dropped off the rest of the car keys she had. You know, this is what I wanted but for some reason I got really depressed when I saw these things. I guess it just made it a little more clear that she doesn't want to come back any time soon, or if at all...

I started antidepressants 2 days ago and some other pain medication the dr. prescribed for my back problems. Had some pretty messed up side effects yesterday and decided to get off the pain meds for now. I'm hoping the anti-d's will get me through the holidays... I am looking forward to them even if she isn't going to be there....

lwh

sometimes when we get what we ask for we find it is not really what we want. this is so emotionally disruptive i believe we don't really know what we want or it changes from day to day.

i know you have been in plan b longer than i but it apparently hasn't gotten any easier for you. sometimes, and now more often, since i don't see any movement toward "us" from my WW, i think i should just file for Dv and put an ending to this and try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and go on.

i know if i don't see something soon then her chance to right things will come to an end and i will have to file for my sanity.

any advice or experience you can give on plan b would be appreciated.

this is a bad day for me. kids are with her, yesterday had unexpected confrontation with her and its a down loop in the roller coaster ride.

stayin' dark. DD

"Filing for your sanity" is, I suspect, not really the way to think about this. See, I think that filing is an external action in an attempt to fix an internal problem. It probably won't work. When you're indifferent to your wife and she's no longer causing obsessive thoughts, then you will be divorced in your mind. I'd suggest that you allow that process to continue uninterrupted by major legal actions. That kind of action just doesn't help bring the mental resolution that you're talking about.

And if I have the dates right, you're only ten days or so into Plan B. Have you planned out what you need to accomplish in Plan B and how long that's going to take? You're supposed to be improving yourself and preparing to be a great spouse, remember. Not for your wife's sake, but for your own sake as your life continues, no matter what direction that may take.

So what are you doing to get to that point? Do you know what ways you tend to LB the most? Are you practicing your listening and communications skills? Are you practicing expressing your feelings in a radically honest way?

I know I have a ton of stuff to work on in my own life and head, and I have no desire to create more external disctractions from that, even when it's a tempting thing to do. My work is in HERE, not out THERE.

Devestated,

It has gotten somewhat easier but there are still many bad days. I know I love my W and I will wait. I know if I divorce now, I will still be doing the same things, so what's the rush. My only concern is if she decides to push the divorce issue. I know 90 percent of the time affairs end and many WSs wishes to reconcile. At this point it is my position to wait and maintain my love for her during this time. But it is my time to get myself together. I spend more time with my kids, work on the house, work out, stay fairly busy. I haven't been reading as much as I did when this all started, but I have read a lot. I just ordered Torn Asunder and will be reading it soon.

I know it is a tough time for all of us during this time of the year. We just have to hold on. I know we have each other, so keep posting. This is the best support group I've ever been associated with. Keep your head up and work on yourself, you'll get through this. Keep posting and reading...

Well, I am in plan B and just thought I'd say hi. I've been in plan b for six weeks now. My husband and I are legally seperated. H is currently stationed in Iraq. I had to go to plan B because i just couldn't write him anymore. I would write and get nothing in return. An occasional e-mail saying he's alive and one letter are the extent of his correspondence. He's writing and e-mailing other women too and I take that anymore. Anyway, to protect myself, I have not writen him. He tried to call a couple weeks back, but I missed the call. To me, this is a sign from God to leave H alone. I have my off days and with our anniversary coming up on Dec. 1, I'm going to need some support.

Lunadove

Having some bad triggers today. Feeling a little down...

LunaDove, have you written your husband a Plan B letter?

LWH, I know how hard days like that can be. Find a way to laugh today. Watch the goofiest sitcom you know (the Simpsons, perhaps?), or read Calvin&Hobbes, or go play in the park, or ... whatever. Whatever it takes to make you laugh today will help you with your triggers.

And if you can't laugh, then it's time to cry or scream. Anything that gets your whole body involved in nearly uncontrollable vibrations like laughter (sobbing and laughing are very close, that way) will help.

But if at all possible, go for the laughter.

JustJ

I been bummin' for last few. feelin' sorry for myself or holidays or something.

I have only been in B for 13 days now, some good some bad. I am just so disgusted with my WW that i would like to get on with my life as at this point i see no hope. I know it is too early but my head says take your losses and run. My heart still has hope and I haven't divorced her in mind yet so i will continue to stay dark and wait.

I am improving myself and making corrections to the things i did to create an unhappy environment for WW. However my WW can't see that or won't see it since she won't give "us" a chance. I will make someone a great partner though, someday.

LWH

you are right. there is no rush. in fact it is better for me as things are than to proceed with divorce. kids are with me and i am in the house with the family assets. I will wait, and wait, and wait for her to come out of fog, or divorce me.

one problem that i have is this A continues to be a part time thing since my WW lives with sister, can't afford a place of her own to facilitate the A and D***H**D (not his real name) won't leave wife and kids. My fear is they will never get together on a permanent basis to see what jerks they really are to each other. Still living in fantasy land, seeing each other at work and hiding it from his wife. (she knows but I think he told her it was over)

LUNA

sorry you are here but you know you can always count on these people for support, me too.

stayin' dark. DD

Just J,
On the advice of some other marriage builder friends, I did not write a plan B letter. We believed that it is better for me to have no contact becuase I keep getting upset whenever I receive a letter or e-mail from h. For now, I think this is best. I haven't told my entire situation here, but I have to the ladies in ladies chat.


Lunadove

Yesterday I was cleaning the house, getting it ready for Thanksgiving Dinner. I am in the military and each year me and my W invite singles from my work to come over and enjoy a home cooked meal. This year is the same except it is just myself doing everything. For us, Thanksgiving has always been a very special day. I broke down several times yesterday thinking about spending this one without my W. Yes, I'll have my kids and friends over, but this was always 'our' holiday. I am looking forward to it, but I know it won't be the same without her.........

LWH

hope T-day went okay. next year should be better one way or another.

a lot of triggers this time of year. i had T-day with kids which made if a-ok with me but starting to decorate home for Christmas brings back a lot of memories.

God bless. Hang in there.

Stayin' dark. DD

Thanksgiving went ok, but it wasn't the same. The weekend went ok also, but I ate way too much pie...

These holidays are starting to work on me. WW seems to be working on me also. Sometimes I just want to say the heck with it all!!!

I hope these AD drugs start kicking in soon...

No, I'm ok. I'll get through this and I won't give up. Its just that time of month, year, day, whatever!

Other than that, I'm doing great!!!

LWH

Bad week for me. AD's don't seem to do anything. Holiday season is a real bummer I see. And now WW has talked girls into staying at her house 2-3 days a week. I know it's only been less than 3 weeks in B, but it seems to get worse - I thought I would be doing better with this phase.

Can anyone who has been in plan B for a while tell me what to possibly expect? I don't mean theory, I've read SAA and that section numerous times, but really what successes or failures other have endured.

I guess I just don't see any light. I have no idea what WW is doing or how she and OM are doing it's like being blind. I know I'm suppose to be working on me but with kids & Christmas and their contact with WW, I can't keep from thinking about her as her name comes up all the time.

Does it get any better after the holidays?

And another thing - I haven't had any affection in 6 months and any real affection in 2 years (not talkin' about SF) and thinking about WW and OM who have each other and kids getting attention from both WW and myself I think my taker is getting real impatient. I have not looked at another woman but now I don't know.....

Stayin' dark. DD <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ive been in Plan B almost 8 weeks and nothing has happened. However I feel better and better each day. And I am looking at other men and they are looking GOOD. Sorry, back to being dark.

Well, hi all,

As the starter of this thread, I wanted to pop in and say hello. I have been absent for quite a while ... lurking but not posting...trying to build ME - for whatever the future may hold.

Just wanted to offer a ray of hope to all of you.

My second PB started in July and I have just recently been contacted by my (F)WH. He is, thru coaching, working on a plan to come home and work on recovery.

Like many others, I will choose not to post specifics of our recovery plans, processes and progress. I don't believe it is a good idea to post those personal aspects of recovery.

I did, however, want each and every one of you to know I did the right thing. When you doubt Plan B, take it from me - it does work to protect you. And if you are fortunate, while your love is being protected in a safe place, your WS will emerge from the fog.

Keep the faith, Guys!


ISG