If you have read my earlier posts, plan B was working. My WW came home for the holidays but the withdrawal from OM was too strong and she left again. Since then, I've been messing up big time. I never went back into a good plan B and now its on to plan DV. She dropped the paperwork off on Friday. Had I'd stuck to the plan B guidelines I may be in a better place now, but I thought I could rework the wheel and things have turned bad. I'm at a crossroads now, sign the paperwork and let it be over or go back into a good plan B. Not sure of what route I'm going to take yet.......

I am only in my 7th week and i am already getting tired with it all. How do you last one year of plan B...has it been a solid plan B?

At what point do you reach a level of calmness where you no longer feel so much for the wayward spouses?

Zizzycool,

I am on my 17th day of Plan B. I am already feeling better though. I am not hopeful about M anymore, although I do have the support of all of his family and friends. I have really enjoyed reading this thread, which has taken hours....LOL. But it was all of my emotions and feelings that I have been wondering about wrapped up in one thread. I will of course go back and read some more of it when I have time. 7 weeks seems so long compared to where I am. It feels like forever already. Of course he moved out Feb 8, so we had minimal contact after that anyway. I guess that is why it feels longer to me.

Do you ever feel like you are losing your feelings for WS all together?

NY

My Plan B was never perfect. There was always contact about the baby, there have been a couple of unpleasant scenes, and there were the daily transitions.

And even though it's been imperfect, it's helped me immensely. I was reading through my archives from last year -- a year ago was the weekend when WP was saying she didn't want me to be a part of her life, her dancing, her religion, her work, and "her" daughter. She was saying that she was jealous of me spending time with DD, that she didn't want me to touch DD (I was "too tender" with her). She said she had decided "unconsciously" to be married to me. She said that she wanted to be friends. Or sisters. Or something.

And that was the weekend that she took my name from me. Then, I was "Ima" (the Hebrew word for mom). For months after that, I had no parental name. After I moved out, I chose Mama (after giving her an opportunity to give input, which she refused).

In many ways, that was my first act of strength, the first time I chose to define myself, rather than to let her continue to define me.

I am DD's Mama.

Though DD has, of course, started calling me Mommy. When WP hears about that, it's gonna be difficult -- that's WP's parental name. I'm just going to smile and say that as long as Liana doesn't start calling us "Mud," I'll take any name she chooses to give me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway.

I remember how horrifically devastated I was to hear all that stuff coming out of her mouth. I knew then that it was insane, but it still ripped me to shreds.

Now, looking back on it, I see her fog for what it was. I see that I did do Plan A as well as anyone could. I see her revisionism for what it was. I see that I did Plan B as well as I could under the godawful circumstances I was in.

And while it's still sad and it still makes me a little angry, I am in such a better place than I was. I am whole now. Still damaged and scratched up, but whole. I am surviving thriving leaving this bad mess behind.

My marriage is destroyed, in ruins around me. But I am not destroyed, and something better will come in its place.

Hi J -

You sound like a phoenix, surveying the ashes around you, and walking slowly away. Not sure where you're going, but walking away, whole, perhaps humble, but still moving. Maybe that's the best you can hope for at this time. This personal tragedy really happened. It is life-altering. You will survive, with a load of wisdom to sift through, make sense of. I guess wisdom doesn't come cheap.

I'm in a similar place. Maybe not ready to walk away, but standing up and looking at the wreckage. My biggest problem is I'm lonely. I lost my life partner of 25 years, I haven't ended it officially, so, like you, I'm not looking for someone else yet. I was reading the Schnarch book, Passionate Marriage, but I had to stop because I crave the intimacy he speaks of and I don't have anyone to share it with. It hurt to be reminded of what I don't have. Not even the sex as much as the intimacy, if that makes sense. Sort of like your dancing.

I'll be better tomorrow. I have so much to be thankful for, really I do. Like you, I have moved far away from the dark days of a year ago. Old Plan B was a natural for me, I guess I don't tolerate disrespect very well. My kids have been an integral part of the choices I've made - someone had to show them how to handle life's inevitable crises, though I made some mistakes, I admit. J, I hope you always experience the joy and awe of being a parent. It's the hardest job you'll ever love. Hmmmm - where did that come from?

I just had to write to you, let you know someone's out there on a Friday night, like so many others on this board, moving slowly toward the next chapter of our lives. I wish you peace.

Lablady

Hi Lablady -- Thanks for your words and for your company on this journey we're taking. Walking away from the ashes... yes, very much so. I don't know if I'm a phoenix, though I have certainly felt sometimes as if I had died and been reborn. The world is so new, so different, so strange sometimes. And so beautiful, yes, that, too.

DD is truly a treasure to me, a joy and a trial all at once. Today a trial -- she has a cold and is alternating between crying and sleeping. Tylenol helps, but not as much as I'd like.

We are both growing, she and I, and yes, she has made all the difference to me in this last year. I've come to value her and all of my birth family more than I did before, and that's one of the many silver linings I've found in this dark cloud.

Or, perhaps better, one of the many feathers of this newer bird that I am, phoenix or not.

I know how hard it is to let go, how hard it is to begin to take the formal steps of ending things. It's horrific... and freeing.

Just J

I have a cold and I am going in between crying and sleeping too! Gees me and your DD have something in common. Except she isn't in Plan B. Plan B is a good place to be, but it can be lonely when the kids are gone. Every other weekend I just sit here alone and I usually end up crying the night away about what I have lost and what I know I will never have again. Personally I am sick of doing this to myself. I hope someday to pick myself up and move forward. I guess I am just not ready yet. Still waiting for that sign that it is okay.

NY

Hopeful, you might want to check out the teleclasses over at SYMC (Save Your Marriage Central). There's a Protection Phase group that might help you figure out things to do on the quiet weekends.

Have you made your list of things that you've always wanted to do and never were able to get around to doing? I've got DD 3 days a week and work the other 4 days, so a free weekend sounds like downright heaven to me!!

If I had a free weekend right now, I would walk and bike and play in my garden. I would call my friend A and take her to breakfast. I would go to the bookstore and the library. I would call my friend K and wander around the mall to look at clothes. I would go dancing of an evening. I would finish reading the ten books that I've started and not finished. I would take a bubble bath!!

I know how hard it is not being with your kids. Golly, do I ever know that. But you can change how you feel about these weekends by, very slowly and carefully, doing things that are caring for YOU. (And no, a half-gallon of ice cream in one sitting is not caring for yourself!)

Me, well, now that I've thought of it, I think I'm going to take a bubble bath. Because DD is gone for the day, I've finished everything else that I HAD to do, and the bread's not finished baking for supper, so I can't quite eat yet.

Oh yes. Something else that I'd do if I had more spare time. I'd cook more good food and bake more great cookies.

Just J

I guess I am just not there yet. I am still in the withdrawal stage. My WH left in Feb. and we started Plan B the 5th of March. I guess withdrawals from him is harder for me than him. I spend every other Sat. nite by myself on the computer or crying in bed. One of these days I am going to get a life. All those things that I want to do when I have the kids, like clean my carpets and stuff like that I never want to do when I don't have them. It is kind of strange in that way. I wish I had a place of my own, instead of being left here at the house. Then I would be more apt to want to fix it up on my weekends alone. None of my friends understand anything I am going through. Neither does my family. So I have no one. Not one single person other than this board. Even my IC doesn't understand how much pain I am in. They all say why would you want someone that has hurt you so bad? The truth is I don't want him anymore, but I still love him. I have to get over the love I have for him.

I just woke up one day and found out that he wasn't that person I thought he was. I had absolutely no clue what so ever. I had no idea of the A. I found out on accident. He was never going to tell me I guess. We had a good life. Now my S has no father, and my daughter is heartbroke.

I will check out SYMC thanks. And thanks for letting me feel sorry for myself every other weekend on this board.

NY

Hon, you can cry for as long as you want. Cat won't care and neither will we.

One thing you might want to think about is making the house into YOUR HOME. If you're that unhappy in it, there is probably stuff that's causing the unhappiness. Literal, physical THINGS. Try picking up and holding the things you've got sitting around. If it makes you unhappy or hurts, then it's time to get rid of it.

If it's something that makes you smile, then keep it.

And don't worry about my paean to free time; that was just me wishing I had some. Your own use of your free time is, well, yours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang on everyone, it does get much better. I have been in my floundering Plan B for 6 months and am now back to enjoying my life.

It helps to keep busy. I have all kinds of projects going all of the time. Also it really helps to post here. I no longer talk to my friends or family about WH. They don't understand the reason I ever wanted him back.

I hope everyone here learns to nurture themselves.

I am wondering if Plan B is really worth it. My WH is still with OW and the last time we talked before Plan B, he told me that he wouldn't be happy until he got his own place. He isn't going to be able to do that until we sell the house. So if he ever does come out of the fog we will have lost our home and everything over this homewrecker. I am really beginning to think that by me being out of sight I am truly out of his mind. Does anyone else ever regret being in Plan B because they feel out of sight? I am just wondering how other people feel if this is normal to feel this way. I am about ready to just give up on everything. I am ready to go out of Plan B and just file for divorce, lose everything and start over. Is this normal?

Help........!

NY

Hopeful --

It's totally normal! Don't panic and don't give in. The reasons for Plan B are manifold, and one of them is that it gives you the strength to stand on your own and for yourself. That's what you've got to do right now, and being anywhere near your WH will mess that up badly.

You be strong for YOU, and YOU will get through this fine, I promise! Ask Schmink. She didn't believe me when I told her, but look at her now! She's in great shape.

I have reach 2 months of plan B.

The pain does not end here but it does lessen.

First thing BS must do is stop obsessing about WH and OW. You must control your thoughts. Second you need a battle cry...i tried a few phrase such as...i am moving on, I can live without him, I don't care about him, WH and OW can go to H*ll etc etc I finally found one that works the best for me and it felt good when i say it to myself...my battle cry is i don't want him back...whenever i get the thoughts about WH...i say the phrase to myself and the thoughts stops.

I am still stuggling with my battle cry...kinda just started about 3 days ago. But it does feel good whenever i say it to myself so i suggest all those doing plan B to get one for themselves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi everyone...I have been in Plan B for about a month with contact only by email in regards to finances...I have sent WS a few posts here and he has read them but his response was some articles are ok but do not reflect my position...what the hell does that mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...is he so different from other WS here ..he states that he knows he cannot go on living like this and hopes that things will become clear for him..meanwhile he is drowning himself in his work...I told him that is good but at some point in his life he has to decide where he wants to be in 20 years...(we have been married for 30 years)...in a stable family environment...with family and good moral friends that love him or alone...I also stated that he must know that I will find someone soon and move on..is that what he wanted?...just gave him some thoughts to digest...personally I am getting tired of waiting for him to find himself...he may want to stay in limbo forever but I am not willing to do so for long...are there any statistics here for success in regards to:

1) long term marriages 30 years or so that have recovered.
2) letting the affair die off on it's own...how successful is this?
3) coming back and going through withdrawl...we tried four times at reconciliation and each time he resumed contact with OW..very painful for me to go through false hope each time

His affair with OW started in June /02...I had no idea until I found receipt in our car July/04...he was very discreet...did not take her anywhere in public like restaurants, movies etc because we are well known in the city...just out of town and in little hole in the walls where no one would see them...OW frequents the bar scene and he met her one afternoon crying in her beer when he was booking his band in...he felt sorry for her and asked if he could help (set up if I ever saw one )...these OW know all the tricks of the trade she was distaught because she had to place one of her children in a group home ( my point is what kind of a mother with three kids at home sits in a bar in the middle of the afternoon drinking beer?)...she stroked his ego (amongst other things ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and made him feel important...why wouldn't she...she saw $$ signs as we are well known in the city and WS is a successful businessman...A started with both parties telling her children he was not married...WS stated he wanted to be a male role model for children..great role model the both of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ..lying...teaching it was ok to hurt, lie, cheat and deceive the family hurting at home...OW cannot understand why she cannot control problem children...well dah..honey take a look at your lifestyle.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .allowing married men to sleep in your home with the children watching...( WS was not the first)...spending time in bars etc...well you get the picture...how difficult is it for Ws to chose A) OW and her environment or B)...a loving family, with two adoring grandchildren...moral and respectful wife, moral friends, years of history with many common interests, wonderful trips together, wonderful family gatherings of shared love...throw away 30 years of hard work where we are now at the place in our lives where we could have had the world by the tail...travelling, spending time at our Florida home..this is the first year in 5 that we have not spent the winter there...sorry folks I just don't get it <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

New Outlook, have you exposed the affair? If so, to whom and how?

New Outlook,


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by New Outlook:
Hi everyone...I have been in Plan B for about a month with contact only by email in regards to finances
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you send a Plan B letter?

I have sent WS a few posts here and he has read them but his response was some articles are ok but do not reflect my position
How does sending him articles have anything to do with finances to Plan B?

I told him that is good
How is this Plan B?

I also stated that he must know that I will find someone soon and move on
So you are going to date while in Plan B?

just gave him some thoughts to digest
You wrote that you only contacted him for finances.
Trying to educate him has nothing to do with Marriage Builders and is directly out of line with Plan B.

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hi Chris...yep you are right...I need to follow plan B better and yes I sent him a Plan B Letter see my thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=020297

I know no contact means no contact but today he had to come up to the house to get Viper ready for purchaser...he is coming to get it tomorrow...this is one of the assets we sold to secure some funds to continue paying the household expenses...I stayed in the house while he spent most of the time in the garage but he came in twice... once to get the key and two to check the toilet...I had emailed him that one of the toilets was constantly running and since we are on a well system could pose low water problems if left unattended...I asked him to email instructions on how to fix it...he stated since he had to come up today he would take a look at it...needs a part to be repaired so he stated he would purchase it and fix it...how does one avoid these situations and still continue in Plan B...I had as little conversation and contact with him as possible but these situations do arise..he also suggested he would make arrangements to remove a downed tree in our backyard...this is the first visual contact I have had with him for quite some time...and recently the only emails have been about finances...have I blown Plan B too much already Chris?...I so want to do this correctly...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">New Outlook, have you exposed the affair? If so, to whom and how?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I have and if you read the link to my thread you will see the reactions from family etc...

He was very angry that folks knew who he was spending time with and blamed me...when folks asked who he was with all I had to do was mention OW's name and it seems her reputation preceeded her...everything that was presented to me about her coincided perfectly with the previous person's info...WS did not want me to know anything about her and wanted to shove everything under the rug...would not tell me anything about her...I suspect because she was so untipical of what I would have expected him to be with...I guess someone a little furthur up the social ladder...when WS heard the things that people were saying about her he claimed they were all lies...and that I was spreading lies about this OW..how could I when I knew nothing about her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> even though he knows she will not be accepted by any of our friends and family he still continues to see her but still only discreetly and is nort living with her....I suspect because he does not want to run into our friends and see the disgust on their faces...you see this woman looks the part of a WS who has lived life hard and is only forty...I am fifty one and look younger than her...there has been one time where a friend has seen them together and his comment was...Look what he had and now look what he has got...so sad...and added some people don't know a good thing if it bit them in the A$$...

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Well it looks like I'll be hanging on this post within the week I will be giving my W a Plan B letter which is here in General Questions. So I will be here for a bit.