</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My Solicitor can write to X to tell him that it is non disclosure of material fact, and the implications. I then of course, don't need to take it any further. I really feel conned and cheated, and for those of you who know me, you also know that financially I have always supported X over the past 12 years. It angers me that he again gets the last laugh.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The whole situation definitely stinks, no doubt about that, but keep in mind the old saying 'what goes around comes around' for every day that I'm on this planet I see firsthand more evidence of how true it is. I wouldn't doubt that maybe one day, when you least expect it, you'll find out that Shiney Head screweded him royally over. Live your life well for that is truely the best revenge.

I think CM you are telling me to leave it be! I am beginning to formulate a little plan. What I do not want is to go to Court and take 6 months to reach a new settlement. That certainly does not benefit me, nor would it benefit X (but I don't really care about him).

I am going to sleep on it again tonight and perhaps have some clarity tomorrow. I have an interview tomorrow pm, so really need to concentrate on that.

Lisa

Hello Lisa,

I think that if I was in your situation I would inform him that you a) know where he lives and how he mislead his statements to gain a higher payment than b) suggest he re-negotiate or face going to court. If it does not work you could either a) go to court or b) just give him the money. But at least you made him squirm. I wonder what does the lawyer suggest just a letter saying we know that you are lying but that you are going to do nothing? It is up to you to make the decision but I doubt I would be willing to give more money. Just me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa in London:
<strong>I think CM you are telling me to leave it be! I am beginning to formulate a little plan. What I do not want is to go to Court and take 6 months to reach a new settlement. That certainly does not benefit me, nor would it benefit X (but I don't really care about him).

I am going to sleep on it again tonight and perhaps have some clarity tomorrow. I have an interview tomorrow pm, so really need to concentrate on that.

Lisa</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's easy to give in to payback but before you do, be sure you think it through thoroughly to make sure that you are willing to live with the consequences. Sometimes we end up shooting ourselves in the foot when we opt for payback.

MoiNouvelle and CM - many thanks for your comments and thoughts.

MN - You know what, that's exactly what I've been thinking!!!! I don't HAVE to take him back to Court, but I am the only one that can overturn the court order. Frankly MN, if you have followed my story at all, X has always had a problem with debt and cash flow and never has spare dosh. He wants to get his hands on the settlement, and I'm counting on the fact that he will a)not want to wait 6 months for it to go to court and b) would not have the money to take it to court himself and pay my costs.

And yes, if that fails, I can still get my Solicitor to write and make him squirm. That is a large part of it, but I do honestly feel cheated out of the money. I would never have offered him as much if I knew he were moving in with Shiney Head.

CM, I hear you loud and clear - don't leave myself open to a situation where I end up worse off or paying more. In reality, I don't think I'd take it to Court, because I really do want to get on with my life. I believe too that what goes around comes around, and one day X will see that.

I had an interview yesterday. It was very a very big grown up proper job. I'm not sure it went as well as it could have done, and I felt a little under pressure as I have had so much on my mind. Having said that, I was thrilled to get an interview, and I know I have potential to transfer that into a job if and when the right one comes along. Being self employed has been fantastic for me, but I think I need some stability in my life right now - even if only for a year or so.

Anyway, I will keep everyone posted about what I do, and thanks for the support.

Lisa

Well, I decided that my first approach should be to call X and ask him to explain what was going on. What a surprise he denied that he had any intention of moving in with Shiney Head when he signed that piece of paper. As my Solicitor said to me "We have a legal term for that Lisa", "What's that?" I asked, "BO***CKS!" he replied!!!!

I just don't believe him, or anything he said. I handled myself well during the conversation, although I should have cut it much shorter than it was. It went on for over an hour, but everytime he tried to put pressure on me or manipulate me, I countered it. For example

X "You lied, you cheated for 7 months" (gone up by a few months there)

Lisa: "What's that go to do with the price of eggs."

X: "I can't believe it, I'm being persecuted, you were the one that had the A, I got divorced on the grounds of adultry and now this"

Lisa: "Yes, and it was adultry, what's your point, and why the persecution theory? I don't care if you live with her on not, but I do care about my money"

So, I didn't let him grind me down as he usually does, however he is adamant that he was not "duplicitous" (X could never simply say that he didn't lie), and he's not prepared to budge.

I am going to get my Solicitor to write to him. He will be asked to disclose a lot of information and then we will decide whether or not it goes back to Court. He will have to disclose info about Shiney Head too.

I just don't believe him. If I did, I would let it go, but I don't. At the end of the conversation, I asked him a question which was another of his lies that I had heard. If he had answered honestly, I would have let it go. His answer "Oh I don't really remember".

Yesterday I saw YSD for lunch. We had a lovely time. Her and ESD went to visit Dad and Shiney Head in their new place on Friday. It does upset me but she isn't that bothered, she would rather spend time with her Dad on her own. I think particularly it will change when YSD goes off on her gap year in November. I don't think she will want to play happy families.

She told me that she thinks I am happier without him. She thinks I am independent and strong, and her Dad needs someone to need him and he is needy too (huum, I wonder what happens when the worm turns, sounds like he needs someone to control if you ask me....). She told me that whilst I like a bargain, I'm prepared to pay for nice things or splash out if it's deserving but Dad is "Pound man"! (That made me laugh). It's funny how clever and accute a 14 year old can be.

I really don't want to have too many more of these conversations, but I am so very aware of the fact that they both felt very cheated by their Dad and still have a certain need to talk to me about him, because he denied them that fact. Actually that was a bit of a conversation, he accused me of using the girls to gain info and pass messages. I told him that I couldn't help it that they trusted me and talked to me because he hadn't been available for them, and hadn't even been bothered to tell them we were divorcing. I told him he should look at himself and why they didn't talk to him. I was very angry about that.

So, that's about all. I will speak to the Solicitor today. I'm not prepared to have him keep using me and abusing me. Time for that to stop...

Thanks all.

Lisa

HI LIL

Hope your solicitor is able to help you sort this all out. My H and I have come up with our own agreement in the end, partly because he is so bad with finances and paperwork that nothing was moving forward. I am about to phone my solicitor to ask him to go ahead and apply for the absolute. So by next week I should be dved!

H is now living on his own and is planning to take the boys to stay with him next week when |Iwas due to go away- this hasthrown my plans into disarray! Oh well nothing new there!!

Have a good week- hope you have a good respionse to your job interview.

Jante

Hello Lisa,

I am sorry your ex still feels the need to lie. I have been following your story. I live in Kent but I am an American. Hence, the reason why I do not know the full extent of divorce laws here. If I can come up with the money I will start the second year of law school in the fall.

From what I know and what I would personally do is draw out the money exchange. I would via your solicitor give the idea to your ex that you have every intention to go back to court to lower the finacial settlement and that it would be in his best interest to negoiate a change on the settlement. I would play hard ball and who ever flinches first looses. Your solicitor would know the best way to force a change. You know your ex is desparate for money and he loves to play the victim role. Why not use it. That is just me. I am at a place in my life where I no longer trust most people.

MN and Jante thanks for your thoughts.

MN I veer between this absolute anger about the constant and continued lies, to thinking I should just rise above it and let it go. ESD told me today that his R with Shiney Head has been going on since November - he was living at home then - and that she has been to Germany. When was that I wonder.

You are right about playing hard ball, but I think I may well have lost out in those stakes already during our conversation. A big part of me just wants to let it go, because all the time he is still there and around, he gets under my skin, and manages to still have some control.

I didn't know you were a Yank - I am very fond of the Yank/Brit contingent, such as LIR and Brits Brat. Have you been in the UK long? I do hope that you get the money to do your second year at law school.

Hey Jante. Yes, X and I too started the negotiations by ourselves, but of course, I was so generous and now I think I may well have messed it all up. I could have done better. Oh well.

I am going to my Mum's for a few days and I think that will help me clear my mind. She had her op today and spoke to me this afternoon. She seems fairly bright and chirpy. My sister is with her now.

I don't think I did too well on the interview. I've heard nothing, but it was a good experience.

I wish you well Jante. I know that when you get the piece of paper, the emotions don't just go away. They can still get to you and put your plans in disarray!!

Thanks all.
Lisa

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>