rlyhurtin,

In my honest opinion...... and please remember that I am only saying this for the simple reason that I would like to see you save the relationship, if that is what you still want.....

In my experience with women,and what I view as the REALITY of what has worked the best for me, is to NEVER pursue them or pressure them in any way whatsoever to have a relationship with me....

This is demonstrated by an attitude and self confidence that I CAN and WILL live without them in MY life. That attitude is best demonstrated with always being nice to them. Always.....

But.... there may come a time when the woman will test your "SELF RESPECT". She will pull away from you..... the only way to pass the test and have her come back to you is to TRULY let her go... If you had changes you needed to make.. MAKE THEM...
LIVE THEM...... but never ever mention the changes you have made......

I totally agree with a few others on here about the dating... Let her wonder if she has pushed you too far... Let HER go through the pain of growth like you have.. You can't let her learn these lessons if you don't start playing and being hard to get...

Quote by Pep: (and it is a good one..)

Dating other women FOR FUN will have some benefits which may include:

1. lightening your mood
2. give you much needed perspective
3. might make your XW curious
4. improve your immune system
5. motivate your XW if she perceives you to be moving on
6. blue monkeys might fly outta HER butt
7. increase your desirability
8. increase your hair growth
9. whiten your teeth
10. inspire you to become a tango dancer

Are you allergic to FUN? Whadd'ya mean you're "not ready"? I said FUN .... aren't you more than ready for FUN?

Pep
__________________________________________________

It all has to do with her seeing a confident and happy man.... Start acting like a WS.. Be mysterious, tell her you aren't sure what you want right now.. tell her you are just living it one day at time..

IF she truly loves you, she WILL PURSUE you. You do not need to make a whole bunch of rules that she is going to feel PRESSURED to do.(and pressure does not usually work too well)

When you take off all the pressure, and let her pursue you and chase you, THEN she will do anything to make it work.. (just like you did when the roles were reversed.)

You see, the LESS you pressure, the better chance you have of having them do what you wanted all along.... If she thinks you have really, really let go... This is when she will want to do her emotional homework... ALL on her own.......

How do you know she's sincere? You know the answer to that...when her actions match her words. When you know she's sincere by her actions alone.

I agree, I think she is just stringing you along because she is confident she could come back to you (and you would have her) on a moment's notice.

OK, not comfortable dating...let's get rid of the word. Go out, do something you like (bars? bowling? hobby store or club?) meet people, make plans, flirt with cute girls. Ask X to watch the kids on odd nights or weekends or change your plans about visitations a few hours because you have "plans" or have a flight, or are going to meet someone. Don't give details, be vague, you can make it appear you are dating and have a wild social life when you may be going to the movies with friends or with yourself. Go away for weekends, say you'll pick up kids at X:00 when you get back in in town. "Where are you going?" she asks, out of town with a friend.

When she feels she's losing you, then she will begin to reassess the situation she is in, and realize how much she has taken you for granted...

TMCM, Pepper and all of you guys that supported me on this thread.

I have heard of the MB 2x4 upside the head. To which I have been deserving many times. But my question is would anyone be willing to pound me with a MB 2x12?

Last night I get the "Lets take it slow" stuff and I follow TMCM's advise that we follow strictly the MB prinipals on recovery, 4 rules to successful marriage etc...and I get the "Harley isn't the only man in the world that knows how to have a relationship stuff.

So back to the slow thing...Yeah I want to take it slow too? BUT I actually want to have a goal or a specific target i.e. putting our family back together again.

I asked her if there was another man in her life and she said no, she did say that since our seperation she thinks about other men (naturally I suppose) and she said as it stands today if a man asked her out that she likes, she would accept because we arte divorced...again natural.

So basically she is having another A with someone who doesn't exist right now and the take it slow part really means "If nothing better comes along, I'll work on things with you."

She agreed to go to counselling with a marriage counsller (Who had Willard Harley as a prof in College) I gave her his number and said if you want to go, let me know when the appointment is.

I am sure she won't make the appointment and this gentleman that we are supposed to see spent two hours with me yesterday saying the prognosis isn't real good.

You all are undoubtedly shaking your heads saying "Told You so"

So here I am...Forget the 2x4 I need a 2x12

Bump

You have an obsession. An obsession is when you have the same thought over and over. You mentally chew the worried thought to a pulp, you spit it out to inspect it, and then pop it back into your brain so you can obsess and ruminate some more.

You need some new thoughts.

Your last post was almost entirely obsession orientated.

"I actually want to have a goal or a specific target." .... Let's make a goal for you.

Your goal cannot be how to manipulate your wife's thinking. Well, that's wrongly stated. Actually, that CAN BE your goal, but one you will never be able to measure or to complete.

You would be better off if your goal was one YOU control and one YOU work toward and one YOU have some chance for successful completion.

Your goal might be .... I will become a better man and a more attentive father by controling my obsessive thoughts about manipulating my wife's attitude(for example) This is something you can do.

Controlling obsessive thought is HARD! Ask any recovering wandering spouse who is going through withdrawl.

How does one do this with success? By becoming busy with other thoughts and other activities.

THAT'S why I suggest you go out and have some freaking fun ..... YOU LIKE obsessing .... and it's driving your W further away.

(THWACK) 2X14 to your think skull.

You resist fun dates with no romantic ties because this misery feels comfortable to you.

Your obsession is a wedge between you and the rest of your life.

Your marriage doesn't have a chance while you obsess.

JMHO

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> YOU BROKE MY 2X4! What is that skull of yours made of? Titanium?

Seriously, you've got your answer now and if YOU CHOSE to disregard it then you've got no one to blame but yourself.

For the record Pep, I once was a happy confident man and I don't like obsessing I rather hate it.
I realize its not to attarctive.

But can't argue with genuis, I need the 2x14.

rlyhurtin - click on the Divorce Busting 180 link in TMCM post.

I know you are already divorced. But...this is really good! And fun! Even if you just go to Walmart's parking lot and read...make her wonder what you're up too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But really, take Pep's advice. It's time to have some fun. Heck man, y'all are divorced! She has no hold on you except what you allow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Guys-

Had a great weekend my daughters, they are such a source of comfort and love. Kept busy, went to church, worked on some things around the house...You know keeping busy is a wonderful thing like you all said.

Didn't have time to think about EX. She did come over yesterday and brought some lunch for the girls and I after we got back from church. Just focused on the kids, didn't really speak to EX. Was just trying to be a "team-mate" with her during lunch in regards to table manners with the kids.

It was nice to have a little dignity

"She still chooses her freinds over spending time with me, she still chooses her hobbies instead of spending time with me,"

Action speaks louder than words.

Personally, I believe your friends are correct about you needing to have psychotherapy.

However, if you want to get your wife back, my advice to you is to start acting indifferent toward her. Show that you don't care what she does or doesn't do. Don't tell her what you are doing. If she asks tell her nicely that it is none of her business. When you see her make sure that you are
looking good. Start going out and dating. You will see your ex get off the fence very quickly once she sees that she may loose you forever.

Rly - your posts indicate that whilst you're divorced on paper, you havent moved on emotionally. Instead, you continue to play the same ol' game with your wife, trying to see whether she changed, jump on her signals and generally being hopeful. This is a great testament to your persistence - but does it help you to become happy? Maybe after all these years you two got so used to each other, to the way you relate to each other that you simply cannot imagine being with someone else. Go out and date! It really puts things into different perspective.