Is it to late for some 180's when in plan B?

Why can't he just answer me? If he is happy then let me go. He just makes a face at me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Whats up with that? This has been two years. Is it to late? Why did he want to save the house?

Thanks to ALL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Still getting things in order here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Got into the closet and got the rest of H stuff out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and had it in a box yesterday when he got here. Told him it was the stuff he had left in the closet in our room. H looked alittle lost. H said you are trying to get read of me. I said in a calm voice you left me with no choice.

I left the room and then came out with his Grandfathers POW vest and war stuff and asked if he wanted it. I feel it should go to y son. H said can that stay here it will be safe here.
I said ok.What the He## does that mean?

When H was walking out the door I ran down the Hallway and pointed to the box of stuff sitting by the door.He looked at it. I said, told ya I was getting things in order this year and I have drove my ownself up the wall and that is bad. He looked at it and said,do I have to take it now?I said why not now?Hung his head and shut the door. Box still there!!!!

I will have more ready for him tomorrow. No one answered me on the 180 above question so I thought I would do some in my way.

I am trying and call me a baby,but I can use some hand holding here so the 2x4 can help keep me in line. Your:) words do mean alot here in my heart they may take awhile,but I am a big thinker.I work it over and over in my head before I acked on it.

What is your take on it? Do you think I am doing the right thing? What is anyone else two cents on it. Please don't give up on me. What to do please I have been doing good.I here you all.

Thanks to all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Still getting things in order here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Got into the closet and got the rest of H stuff out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and had it in a box yesterday when he got here. Told him it was the stuff he had left in the closet in our room. H looked alittle lost. H said you are trying to get read of me. I said in a calm voice you left me with no choice.

I left the room and then came out with his Grandfathers POW vest and war stuff and asked if he wanted it. I feel it should go to y son. H said can that stay here it will be safe here.
I said ok.What the He## does that mean?

When H was walking out the door I ran down the Hallway and pointed to the box of stuff sitting by the door.He looked at it. I said, told ya I was getting things in order this year and I have drove my ownself up the wall and that is bad. He looked at it and said, do I have to take it now? I said, why not now? Hung his head said bye and shut the door. Box still there!!!!

I will have more ready for him tomorrow. No one answered me on the 180 above question so I thought I would do some in my way.

I am trying and call me a baby, but I can use some hand holding here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> so the 2x4 can help keep me in line. Your words do mean alot here in my heart. They may take awhile, but I am a big thinker.I work it over and over in my head before I do anything.

What is your take on it? Do you think I am doing the right thing? What is anyone else two cents on it. Please don't give up on me. What to do please I thnik have been doing good.I here you all.

Thanks to all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Hi N2N,

Glad to see you posting again. Missed ya.

I think you are getting to your H. He is unhappy about the fact that you're packing him up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

180's? Absolutely. He is still coming by the house, isn't he? Well, N2N, you just get yourself all dolled up and hot looking and, as you hand him the box of belongings, say, "Gotta run, I'm meeting a (pause here)...friend for coffee." Then push him out the door and get in your car and leave. And leave...him wondering.

Go set the town on fire!

n2n,

He ought to be glad you put it in a box. Now if he doesn't take it, move it to the garage or front porch. You don't want it ruined (it's the not items fault the owner is looney) but it may hurt you too much to see it. That is the way it was for me.

So the first time, I packed it all nicely. The WS said it would take several weeks to move his stuff. I did it in less than 2 days (with much pain and suffering). I then realized I was being bluffed. So I moved his stuff to the garage. He took it.

The next time it went straight to the garage still in boxes. The 3rd & 4th time it went in garbage bags in the garage and the 5th time it was a combination of garbage bags and throwing out on the front lawn.

That time was memorable. The WS called 911 4 officers came out. He told them I was going crazy throwing his stuff out. Guess who got arrested? Yep the WS. The officer told the WS to pick up his clothes (mostly clothes) and put them in his truck. The Ws refused to listen to the officer - initially....... then he did as he was told and for his attitude, he got to spend a 2 1/2 days on a 'boys night out'. He sure didn't like having to buy his toiletries at something that looks like a convience store from a compound. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The reason why I had to do that did not depend on the WS reaction. He wasn't liking anything I was doing anyway. So I did it to bring relief to myself. I had a hard time fucntioning with his stuff staring back at me. When his clothes were gone, I felt relief.

It is a matter of identifying what bothers the BS and family and taking action. One of the nice things about being in plan B is that these actions are NOT an LB. There were done as an act of survival.

L.

My FWH never got his clothes. He left his closet full. When I moved to my new house, I moved his clothes with me.

He is now wearing his clothes again. I don't know what he wore during the months he was gone.

I think not taking the clothes/boxes of stuff is significant. Sounds like your WH has issues similar to my FWH's.

Use your intuition to think about what this means. You have to use a strategy that is effective in your particular situation. Somehow I knew that my FWH needed certain ties to me that I kept open despite being in PLAN B. The clothes was one.

Thanks guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> you always give the hope to keep going on this for now.

Well H called today around four thirty to say he was running late. (First time for everything) I said ok, but if you get to late they will see you Sunday. H said, well I was still comen over I would feel bad if I don't come over. I said, just call one way or the other.

H did come. Didn't call before he came, BOX STILL HERE AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD CARRY IT OUT TO HIS CAR FOR HIM! H said I'll get it later who smokes cigars? I looked kinda puzzled at his question and then I seen one sitting in the astray I said Oh that..... one of O son friends.

You know what after that I got to thinking I wonder if he came late to see if any one showed up here. Then the other day Y son gave him a pair of gloves when they were going out to sled riding and H said who ever gloves these are smokes there is a hole in them. He asked me who gloves are these that Y son gave me. I said H do you smoke? Ya. Well then I guess you did it the last time you wore them because they are yours remember? He let out a dum laugh.

There are some other things also. I bet you the dum A$$ thinks I am seeing someone and why all of the sudden does he care now?

I like the idea of getting all dressed up and going when he gets here and I will do that next Friday.

If any of you think I am doing badly please speak up. I will not go another year playing like this. I feel enough is enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thanks to All <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

One week left and I am done!!!!! It will be two years next Sat. (Feb.14)

I sure do not see nothing happen in that time frame, <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> so I guess I will face it and move on. I do THANK YOU all for your time and the 2x4s. You all helped me through some dark times and you were there to take the vent. I know my writing was not that good, but I tried to put it into words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

THANKS TO ALL!!!!! I wish you all happiness and the best.

Ok, to thank us but are you going somewhere? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi N2N,

Your post sounds like you're saying goodby. Please don't. Even if you move forward with your plans on 2/14, we would like you to continue posting here. I think it would be good for you to express what you are going through, to continue to vent and get support.

We care, ya know?

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thank You Sparkle and Orchid. I don't know what this year holds, but I will not keep this year like the past two. I feel like I relive the day he left over and over and I am sick right now to my stomach knowing that I have lost someone I love very deeply.

I hope the hurt goes from me one day. It is Hell not being wanted by the one you love,the one who said they would be there alway, <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and then to become seconds just tears my heart out and he had made us just that seconds.

Again thank you all for you thoughts and carring.

Thanks To All <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Hope you all have a Happy Valentines day.

NO2

You sound well and strong my friend...
if your love bank is empty then perhaps it is time...

I realize today must be horrible trigger day for you...
be strong and fill your day with stuff....

make a plan on how you are moving away from the chaos...

ARK

Thanks Ark, I am not doing well at all I do not feel strong. I feel more lost now then I did the day he left. I just have to come to fact that he is happy even though he will not say it and let it go. I do not feel I should, but I am tired of living like this. It has caused health issues.

If it becomes my falt so be it. I am at the what ever stage and I hurt more and more it is not getting less. I feel bad when I post here it is just like being here. LOSSSST.

I do from the bottom of my heart thank you Ark and MIMI,Sparkle, Orchid, ALL of you thanks. I was not MB stuff I guess.

Of course you were/are MB stuff? What do you mean? Just as much as any of us are, probably even more.....
I don't think MB is just measured in recovered marriages, it's SUPPORT, UNDERSTANDING, LEARNING, TRYING and ultimately, RECOVERY, whether personal or marital.
You epitomize all of these, do not sell yourself short, look at the past 2 years and at what you have learned, discovered about yourself and how you have helped others.
I understand how you are feeling though. I chose Feb. 14th as my cutoff deadline. I just can't go on living this Limbo life. I need to start putting more energy into moving forward. But it won't be easy. It's hard to leave all this pain behind.. isn't that weird!
Don't go far away, we all still need each other. I post a lot less nowadays but I lurk and pop in occasionally. It still helps.
Take care.

Thanks for your post.It seams I cry more now then when he left.

I think it is because I really tried and worked hard in Plan A. I was hurting and still being walked on and I let it go on for longer then it should had. Plan B well what can I say. I'm still in it, but it does nothing. Maybe I am missing something? He just thinks I am seeing someone else. I started getting blamed for the things he did and does and so on, so on. To me it is not helping it is pushing him away. Like I said, I am in the whatever stage, if there is a stage like that? Or am I the only on who ever felt like that?

You take care and I am going to luck from time to time and thanks. I posted to you under your post.

<small>[ February 15, 2004, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

n2n,

Take this in the spirit it is being sent..... I don't know if I should slap you or give you a hug. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Listen hon, when the WS is giving you bs babble you don't have to take it to heart. Listen to only the true stuff not the garbage, ok?

With that, you'd better not leave. Is that a threat? Nope. a very friendly reminder from an oldie but hopefully a goodie - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your feelings are very common. You are at a turning point. Remember that post on Redhat's sig line about 5 stages of grieving? What you are going through is one of those stages.

You have a choice to let it drag you down, leave MB and lose the support of this board, or you can keep moving forward, post/vent and help here. It is therapuetic for you also.

For me MB gave me back my sanity. Something I could have easily lost way back when. I don't encourage any BS to go to that extreme. You are worth more than that. You are precious and beautiful in the eyes of those who really know what you are going through and a few others.

Don't be afraid of the fog. Just be glad you aren't in it like the WS and company. Be glad that when others see, speak or think of you, it doesn't cause a funny smirk on their faces and make then start talking about the fog.

See n2n, you need MB now more than ever. Please don't think of leaving.....not yet, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Just a thought, N2N, that you might find a bit of a downer right now, but it's something to think about in the weeks ahead.

My H, too, from the long-distance of Plan B, is showing some remote signs of second thoughts, ambiguities, now that he's filed for D. (Few, but there, nonetheless.) But I know that recovery is hard. In my PBL, I outlined what it would take to consider -- CONSIDER, mind you -- recovery.

If he can't manage those minimal steps -- swallowing his pride a little (I've had to swallow mine!), establish NC, etc. -- then there's not even a snowball's chance in hell that he's going to be able to begin the tough work of recovery. I'm more than ready to throw this little fiddie back into the water (or cesspool, as the case may be).

Maybe, in the innermost recesses of his mind, he's hoping that I will pull some rabbit out of a hat to reverse the mess he's gotten himself in. One more effort from me...but what would be needed is an effort from him. I'm not seeing it. You aren't, either.

Your H, too, has shown some signs of concern, jealousy, whatever -- but not enough to be able to leap the hurdles of a real constructive effort toward a future. He's had mixed feelings all along -- they all do -- but what you need is an unmixed commitment for recovery. That's the bare minimum.

Avoid the trap of trying to make an effort for him. Avoid the trap of reading too much into his confused, mixed signals. He hasn't reached the bare threshold needed to make it worth YOUR time.

Thanks Guys. Your posts means alot!!!

Thanks Guys. Your posts mean alot!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

n2n,

Plan B....the way it is meant to be...is a time of healing and calm detachment. Your marital situation may not change...but you will. Let us help you find that place where you can stop punishing yourself for HIS sins. You give him too much power...it's time to take that back. The best revenge you can possibly have is to live happily and well. hugs to you!