So, I’ve been meaning to post my current story, though Cerri will certainly disapprove of my doing so. Still, I could use people's thoughts on where I am, and where I'm going.

Even a VERY abbreviated outline is going to be long, but I’ll do my best to hit only the highlights. My partner and I (we’re both female) have been married, as much as a same-sex couple can be in the US, since 1990. We decided to start working on having a baby in 1999. Our daughter was born on January 1, 2003 and is now 7 months old.

We had, throughout much of our marriage, an open relationship. Neither of us is male, and if one or the other wanted the kind of romantic/sexual relationship that one can only have with a male, that was all right so long as it didn’t affect our relationship.

My partner became involved with a man at about the same time she got pregnant with our daughter. (He’s not the father. We used a donor. Yes, I’m sure.) Their relationship slowly destroyed ours and caused me much pain. However, unlike an affair, I encouraged the relationship because it was something my partner wanted so very much and I loved her and wanted what she wanted, with the caveat that it could not destroy our relationship.

As time went on, I came to realize that it was indeed destroying our relationship. This came to a head, perhaps unsurprisingly, just after our daughter was born. We were in the middle of the exhaustion and stress that comes of caring for a baby born a bit too early and a bit too small (5lbs 2oz, 3 weeks early), and things got very, very bad. I told her that I now considered the relationship to be an affair.

After several weeks of pain, she tried to end the relationship with him and failed; she decided she wanted to keep him in her life as “friends,” and it was clear that she was headed right back into the same addictive behavior she’d been showing for months. I began Plan A in February, though I don’t think I really did it well until April or May. Be that as it may.

Throughout all of this, she swore to me that she was devoted to our marriage and that if things came to their worst point, she would end the relationship with him. Because of that, I continued to try to find us a way through that allowed for happiness for all three of us. One weekend in March, when our daughter was 10 weeks old, we spent all of Friday and Saturday, all three of us, trying to figure out what to do. On Sunday, my partner and I signed adoption papers, our wills, and a financial domestic partnership agreement. On Monday morning at 5:45am, she told me she had decided she needed to not see the OM for a while. And then she said that she felt that she needed to leave our home for a while as well, and take the baby with her.

I lost it completely.

After that is a blur of pain and destructive behavior on her part, and tears and horror on mine. In April, she finally did go away for a few days. When she returned, she told her parents what was going on, saw a lawyer, and told me she wanted to postpone the adoption date (which was supposed to have been April 30). Her parents were momentarily willing to listen to me, but eventually aligned with her. They see me as the evil one who was destroying their daughter while she had a newborn infant to take care of.

After she got me to agree to the postponement and got it done, she told me that we were separated and gave me a list of harsh rules to follow if I wanted to have any chance of our marriage succeeding. I followed them; many of them were in line with what I was already doing in Plan A. And I began planning for Plan B.

The blur of pain gets awful at this point. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t breathe. You know the feeling. Most people get it when they find out about an affair. I got it when I found out that my partner was quite willing to try to destroy my parental relationship with my daughter.

In May, we tried to mediate a co-parenting plan for the baby, and I continued Plan A under incredibly difficult circumstances.

She started looking for apartments without telling me. And she started to consider revoking her consent to the adoption, again without telling me. This was something she'd sworn to me she would never consider.

At the end of May, on a day where I could feel, quite physically, the last of my control shredding beneath my fingers, I implemented Plan B.

In response, my partner revoked her consent to the adoption and denied me access to our daughter, who was only five months old. She told me, when I finally broke and went to the house to see the baby, that she’d made her decision about our relationship. She didn’t say what it was, but she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring.

My lawyer quite firmly forced me to normalize relations as much as I could, and we began the painful process of deciding how best to regain access and make sure that I remain my daughter’s parent.

Since then, we have been in negotiations about our daughter. The on-the-ground conditions for me and my daughter have improved immensely; I have her nearly half of her waking hours and two overnights a week. Because of that, my partner is slowly losing her legal ability to take the baby away from me altogether, but on the whole, the courts are still against me.

We almost finalized a custody agreement that gives me this access and joint legal custody (decision making). In return, it requires us to withdraw the petition for the adoption (though it includes pretty, and completely unenforceable, language about a consensual adoption sometime in the future). My partner freaked out and refused to sign it, so now we’re in limbo again while she thinks about it.

Explanatory note, here: It’s complicated, but custody and an adoption are far from the same thing. Anyone who’s a significant person in a child’s life can have custody. An adoption creates a full parent-child relationship under the law and in the eyes of society. Think of things like inheritance, how you’re treated in school, how an insurance company and the IRS think of parents and children, etc.

I moved back into the house when my partner moved out in July. Since then I’ve gotten my home, my yard, my car, my finances, and my work back in order. Slowly, slowly.

My partner and I talk only about things about the baby. I have slowly been implementing a more and more complete barrier between us, and have stopped the calming chats about the baby that we had for some time (under my lawyer’s orders).

Unfortunately, as Cerri says, there is no such thing as a modified Plan B. So I’m sure that I just appear to be in withdrawal; I can’t take the action that I want to take and remind her of the Plan B letter.

And now I wait. The next deadline for completing the agreement is September 10. My lawyer is on vacation. My partner’s therapist (who was also our marital counselor and co-parenting agreement mediator) is also on vacation.

I hear little bits and pieces of odd things. A mutual friend says that my partner doesn’t hate me, and that she misses “us” in some ways. Other mutual friends say that my partner and OM appear to be less romantically involved. My partner contacted a friend of mine whom I have put under an NC order (there was a romantic component to our relationship; I would classify it as an EA category) saying that she was very sad about everything that’s happened and she wanted to re-establish contact on her own behalf and on that of our daughter. I see my partner go through hell as her parents pressure her and as her own emotions follow some kind of strange roller coaster. I believe that the OM proposed and was rejected. And yet her apartment is furnished with his things, there are pictures of them up (and pictures of us, which is just weird), and it was filled with red roses and Hershey’s kisses one day after that. I can't go into it anymore; it's just too much of a reminder of all the awful things that have happened.

For my own self, I’ve decided to simply remain open to what life brings me. For the next year, there are no goals. There is no requirement except to make room in my life for what comes next, and to welcome it, whatever it may be. This is time for me to heal, to grow, to recover, to learn, and to accept and enjoy life for what it is. If it includes my partner and the lifetime commitment I made to her, that’s wonderful. If it does not, then I will still be happy. Perhaps I will even be happier than I would be with her. Either way, though, it’s out of my hands.

So… what do you all think? Obviously I can’t make any moves at all right now. But where in the world do you think I am? Losing the game? Winning the game? The days when I don’t care at all about what my partner is doing are the best ones. But this isn’t one of those days.

Whew. Okay, I’m stopping now. Sheesh. Sorry it’s so long! But I would love to hear what some of you have to say, particularly (Star*fish, Mortarman, et al) those who’ve been through a successful Plan B. What do you think?

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I do hope you feel a bit better by getting it out on here. I know this board has helped me immeasurably that way (ergo my over 2000 posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

What a tough situation you're in!

((((((((((( J of HJK )))))))))))))

I can't think of where it is that you're at right now... but I do want to remind you of some basics of MBing.

1) You have NO control over your partners actions or reactions; you can only control yourself (and by the way... it sounds as though you're doing an awesome job!)

and

2) Plan A and B are all about YOU. YOU becoming the best person you can be. YOU taking control of your life again. And YOU going out there and living a life worth living. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (again... it sounds like you're doing an awesome job of that too!)

I know how frustrating it is, to want to do more, but to have no more that you can do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I live through that every day (granted, my circumstances are way past "normal" on this board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

I wish you the best. Keep on posting on here... sometimes just letting it out helps more than anything else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Karen -

Thanks so much for your reply! I've been reading your story, and I must admit that yours is one of those that makes me sit back and thank my lucky stars that my life isn't worse.

Thanks, too, for the reminders. I'm not sure that I agree that Plan A is about me -- I think that's about ending the affair, with a side-effect of improvements in me. ;> But I do agree that Plan B is about me. And I'm making the most of it in that way. My life is mine, and steadily improving because of that. There is so much space in my life right now! It's so freeing, to be able to see that (physical, financial, emotional, spiritual, chronological, accoustic) space.

I know that it will quickly be filled with things that are better than those that used to be there, and I am taking advantage of every bit of the space that I have, and working to create more.

I think it's one of the Eastern religions that values emptiness. I never really understood that until a great friend of mine was telling me about someone who desperately wished that there was some room in his house, somewhere, always waiting for just the perfect thing, and not immediately filled with "whatever" by his wife. It makes so much sense!

(And Flylady would love the thought, for those of you who follow her philosophies...)

Good Morning J,
I have FINALLY taken the time to read your thread.
Hugs and love to you m'dear.
This ain't easy is it, especailly when there is a child involved.
Yes, it does look as though you are doing a fine job of bettering you. Bravo!
I haven't any advice or suggestions to offer at this point, just support and prayers.

xo
Hypatia

Thanks Hypatia! It's a tough road, and I keep wondering whether answering my partner's calls and questions (today it was whether the bumps on the baby could be mosquito bites or not) is the right thing to do.

MY life would be considerably better if I just didn't have to talk to her. But the baby deserves the calamine lotion more than I deserve my peace of mind. *sigh* Some day I will undoubtedly give the baby guilt trips over this one. (Look at all I've done for you! I even told your mommy about your mosquito bites! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Somehow, I have a sense that she won't be impressed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Still, bettering me isn't really what Plan A and Plan B are about. Oh, sure, Plan B is ALL ABOUT ME and getting my life back in order. But it's also about ending the affair. And just like the kid in the ice cream store, I'd like both, please!

it is really hard to have NC when there are children involved. I am surprised that the Harleys don't address that one differently.

I have often expressed to my H that his relationship between he and X-W is now a business deal, w/ ONLY the SD's best interest in mind. It is not even vaguely an opition to have someone to act as a mediator because things, important things get lost in translations and the immediacy of H and x-W talking when they need to is important. They just NEED to remember that it is now a business deal. Just the facts ma'am. There are many years of talking about what is best for the cherub ahead.

Goodness, J, I do pray for you and baby girl.

xo
Hypatia

Thanks, Hypatia. It's a hard day for baby girls and people who're loved everywhere, of every age.

It's funny. I'm supposed to be at a wedding today, but the exhaustion of trying to get my brother from a stormed-in airport last night meant that I couldn't face that same airport this morning. So I decided to give myself peace and rest today instead. I'm in my office, supposedly working, but reading here instead. Peace is far away.

Last night while we waited, my other brother and I watched the lightning strike over and over; a violence larger than any one person ever could be.

Today I read about death in Topie25 and in SwH's posts.

And I re-read Cerri's excellent posting about therapists and how they undermine marriages without realizing it.

And I think about my baby daughter, safe somewhere with her mommy, and I guess life isn't so bad for me.

But yet, there is this lingering sadness, and the ongoing arguments in my head with my partner. Why is this happening to me, to us? What did I do wrong?

And yes, I have done wrong. I trusted too much, pushed the envelope of society's limits too much, didn't see the danger and damage that came with it.

But I can see that as right as well. I trusted. I loved. I challenged myself and my partner and my society to rise above jealousy and anger and fear.

And so I simply must accept that I have to learn from all of this. Learn the fragility of people as well as their strength. Learn the insanity that fear and love and passion can create.

Learn again that sexual/romantic energy is like electricity. It can warm and brighten a home, or it can be a lightning strike that burns a home down. Sometimes you don't know which one it is.

Even more frighteningly, sometimes you know and don't care.

And there is death in the world as well as life, and believing that it cannot strike you, your loved ones, and your marriage down is simple foolishness. For years, I've lived with that knowledge. Because of it, I try to live every day cherishing the people I love. It's hard, not cherishing my partner in the face of death. But she does not cherish me in the face of death. I deserve someone who does.

Life is not neutral. Marriage is not neutral. Bringing a baby into the world is not neutral. They are all acts of creation. Creation in a world that is destruction. Small acts of desperate faith in a larger universe where entropy slowly destroys everythings.

I choose to create in the face of destruction. I choose to live. It's not all peace. Sometimes it's a fierce, bright struggle.

And sometimes I post without making much sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, so that's what that was about. I was supposed to call WP to let her know when I'd be there to pick up DD. Instead, she called me. Seemed a bit odd when I said it'd be 45 minutes or a little longer. Like she wanted more precision.

When I got there, OM's car was there. He's got an infant seat installed in the car now.

And who should walk out as I'm going up to her place but OM himself. He smiled and said hello. I nodded.

Transition with the baby was as low key and short as I could possibly make it. It's pretty clear that WP wasn't dressed for the day yet, and DD had to be woken up from a long nap to come with me. Guess he spent the night.

It hurts. It still hurts. I wish it didn't. And it was bracing, reinforcing. I'd been missing WP quite a bit the last few days, wanting to talk to her and wishing we could just spend time and laugh like we used to.

Seeing him at her place, though... boy! It so much reinforces why Plan B and NC are the right places to be. So completely.

I do feel like I'm in plan B again. The level of communication is just steadily headed toward zero, and I'm totally fine with that. Totally, totally fine.

And yet... Yuck. Just... yuck.

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Okay, chorus, sing to me this song:

"Take no action, J. Take no action."

Sigh.

Dear J

I am so sorry that you had to see that - sometimes when you think you are coping and doing well, you get a kick in the teeth like bumping in to OM. Your WP could easily have asked you to come at a certain time so you need not have seen him, or she could have asked him to leave sooner. I think she did it deliberately. There was no reason why the two of you should have met, but I don't know why she would do that.

Perhaps it was because she knows that things are not going so well in la la land, but is still trying to pretend to herself and to you that everything is great and hunky dory. Perhaps she is just a mean spiteful cow to do that? As Karen said, and I would reiterate you have absolutely no control over what she does or does not do.

I know with me, as soon as I went into Plan B (although if you know my story it is pretty complex, and my X's A was a "revenge" job, so he thought he was entitled....) it was just so much easier to deal with life and coping. I just know how hard it is with people who have children, especially one so young.

Keep fighting the good fight, keep your chin up, keep caring for your D and I promise you one thing, it will get easier. At least you don't have the evil Mr Pound and the continuing sagas that brings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Thank goodness I don't have the evil Mr. Pound, indeed. There are many fates worse than mine.

As for her planning it so that I would run into OM? Possibly. Then again, she did call me before that, and was trying to get me to tell her exactly when I'd be there. I was a few minutes earlier than I said I would be, so I think she was trying to have it so that I didn't see him.

And then in the evening, her mom was in the car with her. Apparently she's in town. Her mom is not a good person to see either. She's been horrible to me, and worse than that, she's put all kinds of pressure on WP to do creepy things to me. Like, oh, leaving me and denying me contact with the baby, for example. Not someone I want to have around.

ANyway, today I pretty much told WP that it was too painful and upsetting for me to talk to her, and we were going to have to find another way to communicate about issues that need to be addressed.

Of course, she called me twice today for completely unnecessary reasons. I need to start screening my calls.

Dear J

This inevitably happens if you go to Plan B - WP wants to be in touch and uses any old reason to do so.

I am sorry that you have to deal with her Mum too. My former MIL entertained Shiney Head in her home, went to the girls show together etc. etc. I just don't think parents/family/friends sometimes get it. They will always protect their own, my Mum is the same.

Maybe I am getting cynical in my old age and in dealings with the evil Mr Pound, but somehow I think your WP could have made sure OM wasn't around. I wouldn't have left it minutes, I would have made sure he was gone in plenty of time.

You sound in the main though if you are doing well. You write fluently and eloquently. You talk about clearing out the clutter, and dealing with these things. It is so very painful, but you will come through the other side.

Take care of yourself and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Lisa -

I think you're right about the WP always wanting contact when it's been withdrawn. I'm slowly convincing her that I mean it, though. Now I just have to get to the point of making the seal tight. We're getting there, I think.

I think she's starting to realize that I'm really not going to engage in conversation with her while we're transitioning DD. That's a good thing.

And I hope I'm able to avoid e-mail land mines for the next few days while my attorney is still out of town. So far, so good. Gotta remember to keep 'em short and completely focused on the business at hand.

My MIL is just... well. She just seems to escalate things. I don't know why, but she does. It went from bad to truly godawful when she and my FIL got involved in this whole mess.

I guess you're right about WP making sure that OM wasn't present when I got there. I'm sure she would claim that it was my fault for showing up a couple of minutes early. But all in all, it could not have been timed better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You sound in the main though if you are doing well. You write fluently and eloquently. You talk about clearing out the clutter, and dealing with these things. It is so very painful, but you will come through the other side.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am doing well, under the circumstances. Most of the time I'm happy, most of the time I'm sane, most of the time my world no longer revolves around WP. I'm slowly recovering my equanimity and sense of humor, and my heart, while broken, is no longer bleeding my life's blood into the mud.

As for fluent and eloquent? Well, gosh, thank you. I enjoy writing, and have always found forums like this one to be my favorite outlet.

Hope things are going well with Shiney Head and Mr. Pound. (Perhaps you could begin a comic strip on the side?)

I read something about someone dusting less and reading more in order to more fully enjoy each moment in life. I had to laugh. I'm doing the opposite. But I'm still happy and finding joy in the small moments of my life, and that's the point of it. So instead of forwarding the lovely e-mail that was sent to me, I'm just poting an update about me.

Me, well, I'm de-cluttering my life. My house, my office, my head, my car, my linen closet -- I'm getting rid of everything that makes me sad, getting rid of everything that I don't love. I'm getting the chaos out of all of it. (Did you know that CHAOS can stand for Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome?) I'm creating space, opening up, getting rid of the things that don't fit in any more. Sounds like it's housework, right? Right. But I'm working on -- creating -- a home in a lot of different ways. There are lots of reasons that I couldn't have people over a few months ago, and most of them didn't have to do with the excess of old pillow cases in the linen closet. Most of them had to do with the poisonous atmosphere in the house.

The other day, though, I was talking to someone about my home. And she said, "It sounds like a very happy household!" I was stunned. How could it possibly be a happy household? Three months and a couple of weeks ago, I starting finding the notes. The first was a list of things WP was supposed to do -- 1. Move out. 2. Revoke consent. I don't remember the rest of the list anymore. Those two, though. Those two are burned into me. The second was a note about me "babysitting" if WP was working, versus day care and revoking her consent. Then there were the lists of apartments, and that awful e-mail from WP's mom.

For weeks, I carried that knowledge around with me, and still managed to act in a loving, compassionate way towards WP. Even when she didn't speak to me for days. Even when she denied me access to the baby. Even in the strained, hateful silence her parents wrapped around me. But the weeks shortened to days, and my control slipped away from me.

Three months and two days ago, I felt the last of that control shredding under my fingertips, flayed off of me by words and dreams and fury written on WP's face. I knew that the depths of my terrible fear and hurt could not stay hidden any more. I knew that my love for WP was shredding away, dying under the attack of so much awfulness. So ... I left.

With my hands shaking, I dashed off the last touches of a letter I'd started long before. I packed in half an hour. DD, who was not even five months old yet, woke up in the middle of my packing. When I went in to get her, she took one look at my face and started screaming. She didn't know what was wrong, but she knew that something terrible was happening. And it was. When WP finally got back from looking at an apartment, I gave her DD with tears drenching my face.

And then I packed the car, took a single picture of DD, and gave WP my letter. And I left.

Three months ago today, WP revoked her consent to the adoption. She denied me contact with DD for a week. I saw DD during that time by going to the house unannounced, a single "supervised" visit at the mall, and by going to her pediatrician's appointment.

For the next week and more, I was "allowed" to see DD only at WP's convenience, and only for an hour or two at a time. An hour or two with a baby who'd slept in my arms every night for three months. An hour or two with a baby I'd fed from a syringe for days and days because she wasn't big enough to nurse enough on her own. A baby who I swore I would protect and love until the end of my days.

So much pain. So many, many tears.

And all this flashed through my mind as I stood there in the middle of our street talking to our neighbor. DD was in her carrier with me, squirming and trying to get at the dog at my feet, who was trying to get at her. The dog's tail was wagging madly, and DD was wriggling and squealing happily. It was a good distraction while I thought of what in the world to say.

I was so stunned. A happy household? Mine? But the thing was, it was true! It is a happy household. And so I just smiled and said, "Yes, yes it is. We have a good time."

DD and I continued on our walk after that. She fell asleep on the way to the book store, all warm and curled up against my chest. We sat in a chair at Barnes & Noble for a long while. She slept, I read. People seemed to smile as they passed us. When she woke up, the people around her were suddenly taken by her, by the joyous personality that DD brings to all of her interactions.

She wanted to see the world on the way home, so I turned her so she faced outward in the carrier. And then, for the entire half hour that it took us to walk home, she wriggled and sqirmed and flailed her arms and kicked her feet and looked at the world. And all the while, she was yelling, "AAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAH," listening to her voice bounce in time to the rhythm of my steps. Every single person we passed started laughing. Every one of them. I've never seen that happen before.

When we got home, Brother1 and Brother2 (both live with me) helped me finish dinner. DD watched
for a long while and then had to go to sleep, and then we all sat down for a quiet dinner. The guys went out for cheesecake afterwards, and I stayed home to check my e-mail. And revelled in my happy home.

If that can be me today, from where I was three months ago, well, maybe there are miracles still left in the world.

So... like that says, like that song that plays on the radio sometimes says, go ahead and dance. Especially in days like these.

<small>[ August 30, 2003, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Hi J

I just read your post and it made me laugh and cry at the same time. You really do write fantastically well.

The pain of d-day and hanging on pretending to be OK and then where you are now is truly fantastic. I think when you do have a child to care for, it always puts things into perspective, and of course, you have to keep carrying on.

I also think your whole de-cluttering is a very good idea. I am planning to do that myself.

I'm so glad and happy for you that you have your "happy house".

Keep up the good work.

Wishing you well from London

Lisa

P.S. Sounds like you're better off without MIL and FIL, I know I am.

It's a funny thing about my situation. I've never been able to figure out exactly when/what D-day would be for me. I knew about the relationship with OM from the beginning. Loving fool that I was, I even encouraged it because my WP wanted it so much.

But there have been D-days nonetheless:

12/4/01 - WP can't respond sensually -- OM is "too much on her mind."

4/21/02 - WP stops responding again.

5/6/02 - I read some truly godawful things in WP's journal, all about how wonderful OM is and how not-wonderful I am.

9/02 to 11/02 - Too many unpleasantnesses to list them all here.

1/15/03 - WP "forgets" that she'd agreed not to have sexual contact with OM after the baby was born.

3/11/03 - WP starts questioning whether she wants to be married to me.

4/19/03 - WP wants to delay the adoption.

5/9/03 - WP starts looking for apartments and considering revoking the adoption.

Jeez. Looking back on it, I really wonder why I put up with it for as long as I did. I was way too wrapped up in her to take the calm, strong steps that were needed.

Ah, well. Live and learn. I'm happy I am where I am now.

Anyway, thanks for the compliment! I really enjoy writing, and haven't had much of an opportunity to exercise it lately. It feels good to stretch those "muscles" again.

Slowly finding my way back to Plan B. Don't know if anyone would like the way I'm doing it, but I'm getting there. Reducing contact every way I can think of. So it's time for a new thread title.

Last night I met WP halfway up the sidewalk to the house. The baby was already in her car seat, the milk cooler in my hand. I gave WP the car seat and said to the baby that I'd see her tomorrow. WP said hello to the baby.

And then she looked up at me and met my eyes. I haven't met her eyes like that in months, maybe more than a year. God, it hurts to see those beautiful brown eyes. My whole heart shifted. And there was something there. Apology, perhaps, or acknowledgement of my hurt, or some other similar emotion. And all I could do was give one of those half-smiles that people give in situations like that. And she returned it, and I turned and walked back into the house. I could see in the reflection of the door that she stood for a moment and watched me before she turned away, too.

So hard. So much hurt. I walked in the house and cried. I'd cried earlier, too, sitting in the nursery, in the rocking chair holding the baby. Such a good life we could have together. Such joy and happiness. And instead we have a silent meeting in the middle of the sidewalk, and our daughter looks back and forth between us, totally joyful that the two people she loves most are together in one place. And neither of us even acknowledges it.

I went on a hike yesterday to a place I last visited with WP and OM. I'd forgotten, until I got there, that we'd been there together. Flashbacks to a year ago and more, flashbacks of good conversations and holding hands and laughing. Flashbacks of joyous music and laughter. Flashbacks of happiness that seems lost to me now.

Even the new joy I find in my days right now doesn't take away the hurt of that loss. To quote Claption, It's sad, so sad. There's no easy way round. All you friends gather 'round cause the circus left town.

Today WP asked to talk. I'm only going to give a summary:

She doesn't like it that I won't talk to her. And she thinks it's not healthy for DD.

I said I wasn't willing to discuss it until we have a custody agreement in place. And reminded her of why it's important to me to have that in place, because of the actions she's taken in the past that she could take again in the future if the agreement is not in place.

Now I'm going to go silent on my own updates for a while, since the legal process is revving up again. Sigh. This is not going to be fun nor pretty. I hope that I'll soon be able to post that there is an agreement in place and I can finally get on with my life.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Tonight I just want all of this to end. I want to go upstairs and kiss my daughter good night, instead of walking into an empty nursery.

I want to have WP yelling at me that it's time for bed and laughing as we make a train going up the stairs together, instead of just going up alone.

I want to have had dinner with them instead of peanut butter crackers.

I want to have read DD a book and put her to bed with WP. I want there to have been laughing and kisses and snuggles for the baby. But there is silence.

I want to hold hands with WP, want to feel one of her wrapped-tight hugs around my waist again. I want to fall asleep with her arm over my shoulder. But there is nothing but a pillow to curl up with.

I want to take WP and DD to the awards ceremony tomorrow. I want them to be proud of the award I'm getting. They don't even know about it.

I want my family back.

I want to never see my lawyer again.

For those who are the praying types? Please. Please pray for me and DD and WP and even OM.

Because tonight, I want to feel hope and there's nothing but sadness. And I know that the sadness will be replaced by joy somehow, somewhere, somewhen. But the pain of this time will return to me again and again. I have lost my family. It's been destroyed. And I want it back.

Okay, now I'm really going silent on my own thread. Hope to be back soon.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Free at last, free at last. Thank god almighty, I am free at last.

Okay, I'm not free. But the custody agreement is signed. I had to let the adoption go (for now) to get it done. But in place of that, I have joint legal and physical custody of my DD (8 months old). She'll be with me two nights a week and three full days, and only Sunday will be a day when I don't see her at all.

There are many, many more steps to be taken. The agreement has to go to the courts, and then the petition to adopt has to be withdrawn. Then my WP has to execute the medical and legal powers of attorney and authorizations, and do whatever it takes to make me DD's legal guardian.

After that, I'll start to feel like it'll be difficult for her to undo it. But thank god, we are finally heading for safer ground. There is an easing in my chest, something loosening that I didn't even know was tight. I've felt that several times in this process, as I finally let go or escaped from the traps I was in.

But this one was deep inside. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally be able to look at my daughter without fear. Dear god, I hope so. It's a terrible thing, mixing the unadulterated joy of a baby with the complete terror of losing her. My WP doesn't understand that, I don't think. Not even a little. Near as I can tell, lots of people have told her what she did was just peachy and didn't hurt anything. I hope they're right in the long run, because I don't want my relationship with my daughter to be tainted forever. But I'm afraid that it is, that I'll never feel that unadulterated joy again.

Still. Things were easier today. I could play with her unreservedly, not worrying about who was watching and what they would think. See, WP complained that I was "too tender" with her, "too gentle," and "too loving." And also "too competent." When we were still living together and she was threatening my relationship with the baby, it twisted me into incoherent knots. I was so terrified of losing her that I didn't know what to do. I spent a lot of time just holding her and shaking and crying. I must've looked like a complete wreck.

And, more or less, I was. How would you look if you had absolutely no parental rights, but had attached to a child as a parent does, and then the person with all the power in the world starts making (and acting on) threats? (And when you're done thinking about it, go and hug your children with all the love and tenderness in your being. Treasure them beyond all rational bounds.)

WP also thought I was getting my emotional needs met by the baby. Sigh. Yes, she brings me joy. No, she is not a substitute for a spouse.

Now, though, she can't threaten or attack me through the baby. And my lawyer, who I spent 90 minutes with this afternoon, finally stopped and said, "J, that baby is so completely bonded to you. It's absolutely beautiful to see. And by the way, she's the cutest baby on the face of the earth." I just grinned. Yeah, she is.

Yesterday I prayed, for the very first time, that God would let me stop loving WP. Maybe that's wrong. But since I still can't go into Plan B, I can feel that love turning slowly to hate. I would rather stop loving her than have that happen.

I did finally ask my lawyer to talk to Cerri, so hopefully there'll be a little understanding there and the three of us can figure out SOME kind of forward movement that aligns with all my goals.

I don't really know where I'm going from here. My lawyer is very kid-focused, and she's not willing to listen to any thought of doing anything to save my marriage if it's not also in DD's best interests. I think that's reasonable, but I'm really not sure how Plan B is going to survive the discussion between her and Cerri! It'll be interesting to find out.