I did it I did it I did it I did it. I figured out how to get into Plan B. Finally. With Cerri's approval of the approach, even. I did it I did it I did it. Dear heavens, I hope it lasts past when the lawyers get to their offices on Monday.

I made a real hash of a conversation with WP right before I sent her the letter. I was trying to tell her what was in the letter and got so upset and tangled that I might as well have been speaking Swahili, I suspect. Sigh. Oh, well. Anyway. Here's my letter. Totally nonstandard approach, but Penny says it seems okay for this scenario.

----------

WP,

I'm really sorry; this is one subject line I really shouldn't have sent with a blank message. I'd intended to write it in draft form and then leave it to think for a while. Having sent the blank, though, it's time to send it for
real.

I left you in May because you were hurting me intolerably badly. Now, I must leave you again. I need to have peace in my life, and I have to create that peace in my own way. Contact with you is making that impossible for me. I'm still true to my vows and promises to you. Nonetheless, it is time for us to truly separate. I still very much hope for reconciliation, and when you're ready to negotiate about forming our family anew, let me know.

I came to this realization over the past couple of days after two major things happened.

One was when we talked about DD's reactions to us when we're together. It was clear to me that even though it brings DD great joy, you're not willing to find a way for her to have that. I have never been able to see it so clearly with myself; I'm considerably more willing to make excuses for your actions when I'm involved. With DD, however, I am fierce in my watchfulness and what I see is refusal to change your actions in order to bring her more happiness.

You've done the same with me. DD and I are your family, and I do not understand what pain and confusion you must be going through in order to be so unwilling to take those actions. Still, I accept the truth and reality of it, even as it makes me incredibly sad.

I also see someone who, for the last sixty days, has not met the terms of our parenting agreement. You've refused to negotiate items that we are required to agree on, refused to provide me contact information until I demanded it, continued to cohabit after agreeing not to, and have bypassed the stated terms for going to our Parenting Coordinator. None of these actions are in DD's best interests, and it's exhausting me to continue to try to find ways to convince you to take actions you have already agreed to.

And again, you've done the same with me for many months. And again it makes me incredibly sad to have to accept the truth and reality of it.

It is time for me to end this cycle. I will continue to meet the terms of our agreement, though I could just as easily act as you have toward it. I don't "have" to meet it any more than you do. I just will. I expect you to do the same, and will take continued violations to our Parenting Coordinator very quickly.

However, I must create a peaceful life for myself at the same time. I'm not going to just cut off contact with you; we have many items that remain to be resolved. However, in the next few weeks, I will take steps to end our day-to-day contact and to minimize the time and energy I am having to spend on negotiating with you. Please cooperate with me on this.

When you come to the house, please don't expect me to be available for chat. When I pick DD up at your place, please don't try to engage me in conversation. I'll work on solutions that will allow us to do transitions without having to see each other. I am willing to designate one time each week when you can call me to provide me information and ask any questions you'd like answers to. Please let me know when you'd like that to be.

For now, please post your responses to our most recent negotiations to the DD's Mommies group. I'll read it myself for a while, and then will identify a trusted intermediary to provide me the information that I need so that I don't have to have contact with you that way, either.

I am, of course, still willing to meet with our Parenting Coordinator (under the framework of a safe, respectful environment with the agreement's terms being met) if we reach impasses.

I'm sorry for any hurt this may cause you. You know that I still love you more than I can say. Still, it's time for this to happen, and time for me to really begin my process of healing and rebuilding a peaceful life.

Just J

----------------

I did it I did it I did it.

I'm free I'm free I'm free I'm free.

Yes, I'm in the giddy stage of initiating Plan B, and I know for a fact that I'm going to get absolutely no support from the people around me. I do hope that this gentler easing into Plan B doesn't backfire, but today went just fine. I did interact with OP very briefly at each of the four transitions (GOD I'm tired of this many transitions each fricking day!) but she didn't spend two hours at the house like she usually does.


I have to say that I really believe that our marriage is over at this point. I see no real hope for reconciliation, though I will in fact do a solid Plan B before I go on to dating and things like that myself. (You're all going to help, right???)

I have to say, though, that when I took DD to breakfast this morning, there were two men who'd taken their daughters out for breakfast there. DD stopped to play with the baby in that group and I talked to the guys. GOD it was nice to have a friendly conversation with people who are attractive!!

Yes, I will remain celibate and faithful for the moment. But I definitely understand the danger.

Yay yay yay yay yay!! I can go back into the peaceful life I left for a few weeks while in Plan A this last two months! Yay yay yay yay yay yay!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations! I think you are moving to safer ground.

Got your other post, J. I sent your message to my friend -- she might not get it until Monday.

I am so happy for you J. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Loved your letter, it teared me up. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I hope it all works for you and you can keep that free feeling and your heart at peace. Maybe it will find me soon... pass some over would ya.

Dear me, got a message from the Parenting Coordinator:

WP,
Just J,

Frankly I am uncomfortable with the frequent accusations that I am biased.

My experience with both of you convinces me even more that I will only work with you together in my office. Please don't call or e-mail me any correspondance other than a request for setting up a mutually agreed upon appointment time.

If you choose not to set up an appointment, that is your choice and I will certainly respect it.

Parenting Coordinator


Now, I haven't talked to the PC in several days, and when I did it was to let her know that I'd said the thing about OM and that WP might call her, and that I'd sent e-mail regarding the framework under which I was willing to discuss meeting in person.

I've never accused her of being biased, and so far as I can think, never even implied it. She has her own point of view, certainly, and it's different from mine, but it hasn't yet struck me as uneasonable or biased for or against one or the other of us.

So.... this leads me to believe that WP is reacting rather badly to the news that I'm done playing with her and tried to get the Parenting Coordinator to make me play.

The next call, on Monday, will be to WP's lawyers. I'm sure of that. And since they're paid to play, they'll try to play along.

Gotta get my lawyer to realize we're not playing today. If we can get to THAT point, well, then that's a good thing, cause then my whole team is aligned.

Hope hope hope hope.

Hm. Even more interesting. WP responded to the Parenting Coordinator almost the same way I did: Huh??

I wonder whether it's the PC who's inventing bias in her head.

Ah well. What happens, happens. And if WP cooperates with Plan B, that'll make the whole thing easier.

Wait a minute, J -- If you are in Plan B, how do you know how WP responded???

Remember this isn't "standard" Plan B. We will now go through a period of transition, during which I will have limited contact with her, rather than a sudden END to contact.

Having said that, I will now consider how to gently end additional e-mail contact. I saw her answer to the PC simply because she replied and CCed both of us.

And come to think of it, that contact has sent me into an hours-long revisiting of all of my decisions in the last few days. Yep, this is not building peace for me.

I'd avoid all substantive contact -- talk about feelings, etc., even if the feelings are about something else.

Her feelings are now her problem. Yours are yours. You can both react independently to the counselor -- and in joint sessions with him/her discuss.

Yep. I'm going to do my absolute darndest to limit the conversations to essentials. And to stop obsessing over her. I need to do other things now. I know it's going to take a while to get there. Each day is one more day under my belt, though.

Three weeks of Plan B, and for the most part, it's been very very peaceful. The things I'm doing for me I've posted on the Plan B activities thread, and gosh, I'm really enjoying them.

There have been a couple of hard days -- the night before Thanksgiving was one of them. And today has been hard because I have a cold and DD has been very fussy. Through it all, though, I've been able to maintain very very limited contact with WP.

She's tried three or four times to ask me to do things when she was here. The last time, she was asking for a lid for a bottle. I got her something that wasn't quite right and she tried to make me get something else. I quietly said that I wished she would respect my request for no contact. Before I finished the sentence, she interrupted me and yelled, "I need a lid!!!"

I was so surprised that I jumped. And then I shut the door and locked it. She knocked a couple of times before she left. That was, hmm. Last week sometime, I guess. Since then, there's been no communication at all during transitions. I'm very glad of that. It's just too volatile and there is too much opportunism on her part. She'd say it's stupid that she can't ask me for a lid to a bottle, and in a lot of ways it is. Still, it allows me to build peace, and that's very very important to me.

Today was weird because WP's car was stolen last night. I know because she couldn't come to nurse DD this morning like she was supposed to. The car is a bummer, and I did break Plan B enough to tell her I was sorry it happened.

A couple of other good developments. One is that DD gets a bottle in the middle of the day now instead of nursing. That cuts the transitions in half. I still haven't figured out how to not see WP at all, but I'm still looking.

And there's one development that's probably not so good. Today, for the very first time, I wanted a divorce. Not just an end to the anguish, but an end to my relationship with WP. DD was being truly fussy (I think she's catching my cold) and I realized just how little I want to be a single parent. In that few minutes, I just desperately wanted to declare my relationship with WP over and go find a solid, dependable, lovable, wealthy, funny man to marry and raise babies with.

I won't be acting on that, but boy, it was a strong sensation. So... three weeks down, 49 to go until Plan B ends and I move on. Into finding who else is out there for me.

Erk. This urge to go find someone else to be with is getting stronger. I've found myself wandering the personals today, thinking to myself, "That one's cute. Do I want to date men or women? Which ones are more likely to accept DD? Which ones would I have more fun with?"

Dear me. Quick, someone put saltpeter in my coffee or something.

LOL! I didn't get it at first...thought maybe the title of the post was something to do with her 'pouring salt in your wounds' type of thing. Saltpeter huh? I'd say just skip the darn coffee...it IS a stimulant ya know!

Over three months in PlanB, nine months since WW moved out. I'll take a double dose, please!

Salt in my wounds, saltpeter in my coffee... next thing you know, I'll have saltines in my shorts!

(Sorta like crumbs in the bed, but even more uncomfortable.)

Right. I'm supposed to be focusing on work today. I really am trying. Really I am.

It's one day short of seven weeks into my transition to ending contact with my WP. It has its up days and its down days. Today is a down day. The hard part is that, of course, WP does not want me to end contact with her.

When I gave her my letter, I was clear that I would identify an intermediary for e-mail, which I did last week. The intermediary started sending WP e-mail, and WP deleted it without reading it because she didn't recognize the name.

When she did finally read the introductory one and realize what it said, she wrote back and said that she would refuse to read any e-mail from our intermediary that was about DD, and that she expected to continue to hear from me directly regarding her.

Yay, confrontation. I immediately found myself on the defensive and scared that WP will try to take DD away from me. I expect calls from lawyers, calls from the Parenting Coordinator, being summoned "on the carpet" for refusing to get over it, yada yada yada.

I so wish that I had even one person involved in this who understood and supports this. As someone told me recently, ending contact at this level can seem incredibly petty if you don't understand the motivation. I'm sure that I'm seen as petty on the other side of the fence right now, and all I really, really want is to get out of the line of fire. Like someone said to me recently, I'm allowed to duck now.

And like Sugah, I'm just so very tired of all this. I want ... I don't even know what I want. I want it to be earlier this morning before I read the e-mail from our intermediary, and before I read the other sad news that was in my inbox this morning.

I want it to be 10am when I was drinking coffee with a friend at Starbucks, talking and laughing and having a good time.

Luckily, it will be that way again in the not-too-distant future.

So, what else to report? Hm. Christmas. That was fun and also a lot of work. Since WP is Jewish and uncomfortable with Christmas, we never decorated the house. This is the first time in my adult life that I decorated my own home. Fun, but when you start with NOTHING, it also takes a lot of work. (Think about when you had to decorate the first time and owned no ornaments, no lights, no Christmas tree stand, no tree skirt, no holiday napkins, no wreath, no bows, no Christmas cards....)

Even so, the house ended up being really cozy and cheerful for Christmas. My cousin made scones that we had with clotted cream and jam and tea, I got two hours of extra sleep while my dad and mom watched DD, and we had tons of fun yesterday.

This was also the first time for me to be Santa Claus, which meant another entirely new set of experiences. The first thing I learned was that I bought too many presents, but DD's birthday is in a few days, so she'll open the rest of them then.

DD had a glorious time yesterday with the presents and all the people and particularly the wrapping paper and bows. She spent a great deal of time pulling the bows and paper off of presents and then rattling them around and yelling "LAAAAAA!!!!" She was exhausted when she finally went down for her nap.

There is, of course, a WP tie-in here. Remember how I said WP is Jewish? Well, on Monday in our Parenting Coordinator meeting, she requested several things having to do with Christmas. Among them: Give DD some of her presents as Hannukah presents, no Christmas clothes for DD, and none of DD's presents should come from Santa Claus.

I'm willing to consider the first two, but... NO SANTA?!?!?!?!?!? Well, let's just say my response was a firm "Absolutely not," followed by as calm a description of the importance of (secular, because we're not a religious family) Christmas traditions for me and my family. Santa in particular is a representation, to me, of the spirit of something good in the world, something that gives just because of that, something that's bigger than just DD's parents.

In addition to the visceral reaction to the request itself, I was also pretty upset that WP changed her mind again about something we'd already discussed -- she told me (in the presence of her lawyer) that she had "no problem" with Santa and the Easter Bunny when we were finalizing our parenting agreement. Going back on that three days before Christmas, after I'd bought DD's Santa presents and decided how I wanted to do it?

The Parenting Coordinator, who is also Jewish, told WP that Jewish folks just do not understand the importance of Christmas and Santa and that this was not something that was going to screw up DD for the rest of her life.

Thank goodness, because this is really truly not something I'm willing to do. WP can handle all of DD's religious training and upbringing and that's absolutely fine. Our Christmas tradition is not religious and will not change. And for heaven's sake, can you imagine Santa coming to the rest of the family, filling stockings and leaving presents, and not leaving anything for the youngest member of the family????

Grrrrr. (I'm actually glad that I don't have to POJA this with WP, because there's no way I would have agreed to the "do nothing" part until you come to a decision!)

Okay, time to move on to something else. Uhm. Oh, yeah. The last reason for the sadness and upset today has little to do with WP. Last year about this time, WP and I sold our townhouse and moved into a single-family home. Because the townhouse and the single-family home are in different jurisdictions, we had to have two realtors. I had an e-mail this morning from one of them to let me know that the other realtor died in a bizarre accident this week. She was carrying groceries in from her car with her husband. She fell backward down the stairs up to the door of her kitchen and hit her head on the concrete floor of her garage. She never regained consciousness and died on Christmas Day.

She wasn't a friend of mine -- I only met her perhaps a half-dozen times -- but it's still very sad. It's also a reminder of that thing that someone posted here a while ago. If today were your last day, would you have done everything you can for the ones you love? If this were your last breath, would you have said I love you to the people who needed to hear it most?

It's so sad that I cannot say that I love WP. So sad that in many moments, it's not even true anymore. So sad that she and I are so far apart from one another, that so many emotional miles of chasm separate our hearts.

Perhaps we will never be able to bridge that gap.

Still, I must remind myself. While there is life, there is hope. Where there is breath, there is strength. When there is life, there is the possibility of change. Whatever it is, life is not static.

Still. I am so tired.

I just wanted to say hello to you here, as you've helped me more than once with my issues.

I have to say that I agree with you 100% on Santa. Though my family is somewhat religious (diminishing with the generations), I have not celebrated this season in my home with any religious meaning in my adult life (about 15 years now). When with family or friends, in their homes, it's celebrated the way they prefer, because I find that to be the respectful thing to do. But xmas at my home for those 15 years has always been about happiness, cheer, peace and goodwill, and most of all, Santa Claus and the message of giving for the sake of giving.

That is so sad to hear about that poor woman. What a reminder to enjoy every moment of your life, to do your best to make sure that, at this moment in time, you have as few regrets as possible, hopefully none.

As wrong as it may be, it almost makes me want to pick up the phone and call my wife, just to say "I love you", which is true, most of the time. Because you just never know...

UN, it's a great thing to do if you're in Plan A (which I think you are). Speak softly when you say it, and don't expect anything more than a cold response: "Hon, I just called to let you know that I love you very very much. I was just reminded of how quickly life can take someone away from their loved ones, and how important it is to let them know how you feel, so I wanted you to know that. I hope you have a really good evening. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

I'm in Plan B. I've been in Plan B for two months. I have more dealings with WP right now than I have had in months. It's making me crazy.

And why, you ask? Because I tightened up my Plan B and WP doesn't like it. It's making her anxious and stressed. She might miss something with DD, you see.

And my lawyer is pushing me to just "get over it." More and more, I ignore what my lawyer has to say.

More and more, I just want to walk away from WP and never deal with her again. Most days, I don't think of her. Most days, I just don't care what happens. Most days, I think I'd rather not reconcile with her.

Most days.

Friday, I found pictures. On the web. Hundreds of pictures. A little family album of WP and OM and DD. Cute pictures of the three of them at a wedding in September. Cute pictures of them at a dance camp in October. Thanksgiving. Pictures of DD's first major walk across a room. Pictures of DD's first birthday party. Pictures of DD after a bath (yes, nude).

Friday, I was huddled on the floor of my office, nauseous and sobbing. I wrote a very few words that perhaps I shouldn't have written.

And then Saturday came and it was gone. My emotions were gone, left by nothing more than a bad taste in the mouth and a "how do I deal with THIS crap" thought process. Oh, there were and are lingering effects. But this is how I know I'm better. Two months ago, I would still be crying.

Today, I just go on with Plan B and all that accompanies it. It's not for reconciliation anymore. In fact, it never was. By the time I got there, it was a last-ditch requirement to keep me from turning back into the wreck I was in May.

Today, though, it's about me and rebuilding my life. It's about having time for friends. Friends that I never talk to WP about. Friends I hadn't met when I moved out. Friends who've never known me while I was in a relationship. Friends who value me for things WP doesn't even know exist.

It's about letting go of the controlling, manipulative things WP still does. It's about knowing that WP could take me to court to change the custody agreement.

It's about not really being interested in emotional terrorism anymore.

I'm rocking poor WP's boat, I think. She sits in our parenting coordinator meetings and just cries. She just melts. Whether it's about Santa or communication, nursing or contact between OM and DD, she cries and cries. I sit and watch her and I feel sort of a remote compassion for her, the sort one would feel for someone you don't know, but you see them crying on the bus.

I'm sorry that a human is hurting.

That it's WP hurting just doesn't engender any more than that.

Strange stuff. Strange, strange stuff.

Howdy Just J!

I'm so glad I saw this thread today...I've gotten to like you from reading your posts on other threads...I love your positive attitude and good solid advice given to others...in fact, I remember when you started the Plan B support thread and I REALLY wanted to write there with some ideas I'd implemented during Plan A to distract myself...but then I didn't write because I felt it defeated the purpose of the thread as I was not in Plan B. (I hope y'all can laugh that I was sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> not to be in Plan B so that I could participate legitimately in the thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I hope you do not consider it impertinent of me to pop on in here now just to say that I'm glad I've finally read your story....fleshed out who you are somewhat...added some defining detail to this person I've come to like here in this weird wacky hyperspace community...

Keep on trucking grrrl...you are so gutsy and an inspirational Plan B'er in my NHIAML opinion...awed

Edited to add: It must have been so hard to see those pix...really emotionally ripping...

All of the above babble was not intended to downplay the difficulty you're facing and the issues you write about but to send you a big thumbs up of encouragement...

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>