<small>[ September 30, 2003, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

You are exactly the reason so many of us are on this website fighting against. I hope you feel like scum and the OW rejects you to no end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just my 2 cents worth...

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

I am not going to flame you--just ask you why you are posting on a website that is about recovery of marriages? You want your "marriage" and your girlfriend too. That is NOT a real marriage, that is just "cake-eating" and completely unfair to your wife (for whom you don't seem to have much feeling other than that she is OK) because she was PROMISED faithfulness etc. by you when you made your marriage vows. It is not even fair to your girlfriend as she seems to want a real relationship with you and you are not even giving her that!

What, if anything, does your marriage and your wife mean to you? You need to give this serious thought. The whole world isn't about YOU, YOU, YOU and what YOU want even though that is how you have been living your life. That whole thing is about to crash and BURN, believe me!

8 time, I hear in your words the beginnings of what could be your chance to make your marriage be all that your affair is and more, and it will be real. For yourself, your wife and your kids I wish to encourage you to read Surviving An Affair by Steve Harley, at the very least spend some time reading the information on this site. You are not alone, and what you are going through is not unusual, heck it's as common as rain unfortunately.

Think about this. What you describe about your feelings with the other woman, how chemical it is, and how quickly you find yourself drawn to her, this is common too. The relationship doesn't have to face the light of day. You never have to see her bloated and miserable, or deal with the bills or the kids when you are with her. In fact, how much reality is there trully in this relationship? Learn a little more about the love banks and it will all make alot more sense.

Chances are good that your wife is still filling most all of your major needs, just like she has been for so long you have come to take it for granted, and can barely feel it anymore because you are used to it, like a warm bath. Along comes other woman.. maybe she fills one need, but along with all your others being already so fulfilled feeling the new rush of fulfillment feels wonderful. It's kizmet, she is filling all of my needs so much better than my wife. But, is she really?? Things to think about friend, before it's too late.

This stuff works. Give it a try.

Sorry about my last post. Not feeling real friendly today. The others that posted have a much clearer head than me and have posted some good advice. Good luck. Go back to your wife and be the husband you should be and she would want. Read HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. Both are excellent books and will teach you about your feelings and how they are affected by an affair. Also gives great advice for fulfilling wifes needs. If you fulfill her needs, in turn she will probably fulfill your needs...

wonrme whacks 8timeloser with a GIGANTIC MB 2x4 for his ridiculous FOG TALK!

GIMME A BREAK!

Geez, get a grip. It's exciting because it's naughty. She's wonderful because your body is producing hormones that makes it exciting.

You need some serious enlightenment. I don't believe I have EVER seen someone so drunk with selfishness in my life.

Let's say you left your wife for this woman, do you HONESTLY think that, with your past, that this would last beyond a few years? That you've suddenly found THE RIGHT ONE? PLEASE!

Have you looked at yourself and asked yourself why your appetite for women is insatiable??? Why is it that you've been so destructive with all of the past EIGHT relationships?

This woman is no more special than the first woman you screwed over. In fact, to you, they're all wonderful...until they get old and you need a new one and need to move on to the next "love high".

You seriously need to sit back and evaluate yourself. You need to see that you're screwy! You want this woman because she makes you feel good. You don't want her because you want a committed relationship. You want her because of that "love high". And that "love high" is what caused the sex to be so friggin "wonderful".

You're living in Lala land. A fantasy world of your own making in your own mind. You're the guy who's dreaming about a steak dinner and wake up craving a steak, only to find out that it's not there. You're going to someday wake up and realize all of the pain you've caused other people. You'll someday wake up and see that your selfishness and wrecklessness has severely wounded people who have gotten in the way of your "love ADDICTION".

Hope someone else on here can come along and knock some sense into you.

Wondrme

P.S. Sending 2ofakind over ASAP!

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: Wondrme ]</small>

I'm a FWW (former wayward wife) and I'm sitting here shaking my head .

Look you've already lost one relationship, you can never be "just friends" again with the OW (other woman) -- the clock doesn't turn backwards.

You think your smart now because you didn't write anything down .. you'll slip up and then what's left of your world and the pain you've brought to those around you who NEVER DESERVED IT will be in front of your eyes.

So what will you do then .. runaway to your perfect little lie .. I mean life with OW .. the one that makes you feel so good inside?

How will it feel inside for your kids to look at you especially when they find out what you have done? (the longer it goes on, the older they will be)

You say the problem is YOU .. when then fix the problem!! Go to counseling and discover why you are this way .. and work to be a better person.

You cheated on your last two wives (does W#2 know about you cheating on W#1? If she does she may now look at you as habitual) ... if YOU don't fix what is broken inside of you, you will cheat on your now OW, if you do end up having a relationship with her, without your wife.

There is no way in he## no one get's out of this without someone getting hurt ... it doesn't work that way ... let your OW go and be the woman she needs to be, let her work on her marriage and herself -- so years down the line when she looks at herself in the mirror (and you're not there because you've either died earlier than her, as men do, or you've cheated on her and left her) == let her like the woman who is looking back at her.

And YOU the same goes for you. End it and work on yourself, be the man you need to be for yourself, the husband your wife needs you to be and the father your children need to be.

GROW UP and stop running away ... fix yourself! (and here's a free hint -- fixing yourself and making yourself better doesn't happen in the crotch or arms of someone who is not your spouse).

my 2x4
way2

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

WOW!! That was brutal. I think this guy is here for some help. I think you are a creep too, and I am a guy. Please take some of this advice from these nice people and "Be All You Can Be". Everyone likes "new and exciting", but there is something to be said about "old reliable". A couple friends have sex with different women all the time (and they are married with children) and I am truly disgusted by it. Nothing constructive can come out of this. All you can hope for is not to get caught. I will tell you something, when your girl is riding "the bologne pony" other than yours, what will you feel like then? I'll tell you what brother, it's no fun. You obvously don't have much to lose or you wouldn't be trying this s**t. Some other guy is wondering what is going on and you are F****ing his wife. That's Bullsh**t. You need to break it off with your wife or your lover and make it real. Withn that said, I apologize for getting vocal, but dude, you need help. Feeling good is one thing, but come-on, your wife can do the same thing for you. I am glad you posted here...maybe we can make the difference.

8TL,

Have you ever heard the song 'looking for love in all the wrong places'? Your poster name makes it appear you are not a happy person.

Let's tackle this thing from a slightly different angle (though I certainly understand all the anger in the responses on this thread - U stuck a needle in their eye - OUCH and then expect help). So I will give you the benefit of the doubt, until you wear my patience out - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tell us a bit more about yourself. What do you think would make you happy. Read the concepts section above, take the emotional needs questionnaire and tell us your top 5 ENs.

thanks,
L.

You need to buy this book! Here’s a quote from a book called Mothers, Sons and Lovers-How a Man’s Relationship With His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life by Michael Gurian:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> “The man who drinks the ocean again and again moves from relationship to relationship, leaving each relationship when the infatuation and ecstasy are gone. He find ‘em, feels ‘em, f***s ‘em, and forgets ‘em. He sometimes wakes up in the morning knowing in his deep heart’s core that this is not mature love, there is a better way, he’s still stuck in adolescence…but he finds these moments of clarity dissolve at the sight of a new woman to consume.

The man who drinks the ocean again and again (What he is referring to is part of a mythological story called The Moon Children. The “man who drinks the ocean again and again” refers to sex and love addiction with the drinking being repeated behavioral acting out.) relies on sex as his primary form of intimacy and on conquest-intimacy as his primary mode of building self-image. He may be very “sensitive”, able to talk well, to convince women he really cares about them. But his relationships still won’t last more than a few months or a year. He may even have been married for a number of years, but throughout the long-term commitment his eyes never stop straying period. He carries on extramarital affairs, some of them non-sexual but affectionate to the point of robbing his primary love relationship.

The man who drinks the ocean again and again has been wounded deeply in his boyhood. It is probable that in his relationship with his mother he was abused, neglected, abandoned, impinged on, raised in her alcoholism or other addiction. His attachment to her was probably stunted, incestuous (sexually and/or psychologically), confused by abandonment. Because it was not an attachment based on trust, his separation from her was all the more confusing. He grew up yearning for her to love him and sees her reflected in the many mates he finds. As an adult, he is yearning, through many lovers, to prove to his mother that he worthy of feminine affection.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe that will give you something to think about. What if you aren't really doing what you want to do, but instead you are doing what you are compelled to do because of the way you see women?

Check out www.mkp.org . Save up your money and attend their Weekend Warrior retreat. It will help you to become a man of integrity...worthy of your wife.

Stillwed

whew!

Honestly, I pray your wife does find out, and dumps you. Then I hope the OW realizes what a mistake you are, and sends you a no contact letter.
Then you will be alone. No wife. No kids. No ow. No self respect. Depression at its finest.

Then I will pray, pray, pray that you see the light, and your dear wife finds a place like this...and the two of you can start discovering what marriage should be. ANd fix whats wrong with your marriage, and each other.
I noticed that you said that you don't want to leave your w&k's. You want to stay married. You also what to have a lover, because it "feels" good. Really, come on. do you believe this is right?? Do you believe this is OK?? Do you believe any of the vows you took??
Even if you are not a religious man, you still made promises. Don't you even want to keep them?
Look at yourself. You are being horribly selfish. Is this what you would advise your children to do. Get married, and screw around......just don't leave out any evidence.!??

When their Mamma finds out, (and she will), and she looses 20 pounds in two weeks, throws up from twisted up emotions, can't sleep, can't eat, and crys everyday....and the kids find out that YOU did this to her ON PURPOSE; imagine that for a moment. If nothing I have said makes you see what a selfish man you are being right now; then for Gods sake; leave your wife. Just go. You do not deserve to be married, and she should be able to let go of you and find someone more worthy to share her life and raise the kids with. If it did make even the slightest difference; then find some b@lls and do the right thing!!!!!!!! Tell your wife what you have done. Tell her you dont want to end your marriage. Beg her forgivness. And start counselling.
I'll be watching for you. I pray you can do the right thing.
tsc

Guys - give 8times a break.

He did something which went out of control. He is not happy ("mild depression"). He wants the cake ("wont leave wife & kids") and eat it too ("i want to keep her as a lover"). does that work? now? longer term?

Of course not. and 8 times knows that, that's why he is here.

It's his choice how to play this out. What is clear that one of your two relationships will end. All of us have some advice to chip in. Mine is - as hard as it seems, drop your lover, save the family, confess, go and see a marriage counsellor. I could now explain all the moral reasons, the pain you will give to your wife & child etc etc etc which I dont, but trust me, it is the right thing to do. do it.

8TL

How you think is so alien to me; I can’t begin to understand how you can live with yourself. I can only wonder:

- If you have a conscience. If not, it would explain why you are not bothered by the destruction you have left in your wake.

- If you are capable of real love, or just a desire for it.

- If you can ever find what you really want.

- If you can understand what you are risking by your current lifestyle.

IMVHO - If you cannot or will not identify what makes you adulterous and change it (with help) you most likely will be left with nothing and in despair. Get help; your future seems very grim if you don’t. I have witnessed this too many times. You and others will be affected negatively by your adultery.

"I want to continue to cheat."

This poster is a troll.

>>>>> waving hi to troll <<<<<<

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not really looking for answers, just venting. She is extremely important to me, in any capacity. But I want to be her lover. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm if you are not looking for answers then you are either looking for approval....[edit]
Or....you are looking to gloat in which case I wish you find yourself this Halloween wearing a Klu Klux Klan outfit when your car breaks down in Harlem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Puhlease this poster is not looking for sincere help he says as much.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

Posters: Play nicer and remember the rules you agreed to when you registered:

You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use this BB to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law.

And, remember it is better to use the "report post" feature at the bottom of every post than cuss somebody out.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

I have no intention of leaving my w&k.
Why not?

I want to continue to cheat.
Does this mean you want to continue to lie to your wife OR you want to feel good in a relationship with someone other than your spouse (not the person who she is, just that she's your wife. Meaning no matter who you are married to, you want someone else)?

Some of the generalizations to cheating husbands are just plain wrong.
Probably some, but most fit the "mold" pretty well, as do the cheating wives. Most think their situations are so unique and the "love" between them & op is so strong, it HAS to be something other than "common."

And don't say that that can't happen as long as I'm in the picture, because as it stands right now, I'm not in the picture.
?? What?
As long as you are in the picture, the ow can't fall back in love with her husband. There, I said it.
You are NOT in the picture so the ow COULD fall back in love with her husband.

There wasn't some glaring problem, not even a ho-hum daily grind. We were fine, and will be still. Why hurt everyone when I can swallow it and take the pain myself. So it eats me. Good. Better someone who deserves it that a whole familiy that doesn't.

Wow. You really do not care for your wife at all or believe that she loves you and may want to help in some way. After all, her husband is hurting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>"I want to continue to cheat."

This poster is a troll.

>>>>> waving hi to troll <<<<<<

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The forum is for Marriage Builder's. But I feel sorry for a man with such bad choices. Also remember that the choices that you made were your own. And you said you don't want help, just want to vent. I guess that the confusion you are feeling about posting here at Marriage Builders about how you are doing wrong so badly, is like an odd cry for help.

Get some assistance from the counselor near you. And work on the reasons you choose what you choose.

You are not alone in the kind of mess that you feel stuck in. But until you get your head in the right place, you won't beat that depression doing what you expressed here at a Marriage Builders Forum! Yikes!

Get serious about your problem and actively seek out professional help! If this story is actually real that is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's what would make me happy. Ready? The OW would manage somehow to fall back in love with her hub and they live happily ever after, without me. And don't say that that can't happen as long as I'm in the picture, because as it stands right now, I'm not in the picture. If I was I'd be off rekindling the affair and not sitting here taking punishment from you all.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And just what kind of punishment do you think her husband is going thru right now?

Geesh talk about ego.

If you genuinely wanted her to be happy as a friend then you wouldn't have become a factor in her marriage you would have remained a friend and been a factor in her life. But you chose otherwise.