<small>[ September 04, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris, I am pretty sure he mean OM's W. He is the BS. He wrote the OMW a letter and hand delivered it to her at their home. Pretty brave if you ask me!

On the off chance this poster is not a troll....

What you are talking about in your entire post is about how you feel, and what you want. Have you taken any time to think about how your wife and child feel and what they want? Or how this now tormented OW feels and what she wants??

What you're asking for is that everyone around you meets all your needs so that you feel good and can have it all. But what do they have to give up in order to do that?? Have you thought about that??

It's obviously already tearing up the OW inside. She's going through mixed emotions of shame, desire, disgust with herself, disgust with her marriage, frustration, confusion...and on and on. She's MARRIED, which means she's not the type of girl to want to jump from bed to bed just for fun. She's a COMMITMENT kind of gal. How long do you think you can poke her for fun before she falls completely in love with you, leaves her marriage and starts pressuring you for more? Seriously, there's a whole website of OW out there...most who are impatiently waiting for their married men to leave their wives. Those situations generally get extremely ugly...not to mention that you get to live with the fact that because you wanted it all, you took away a life from someone else to get it.

And your wife and children will suffer. Reguardless of how you think you can split your life. YOU will suffer from the split, so it's only obvious that they will as well. Because they won't really have you.

But, if you do decide to still do this...I wonder if you might grant your wife the permission to do the same. I mean, all's fair...right? Let her know that you don't mind the idea of another man's sweaty body pressing against hers...licking her ears and whispering sweet nothings in them, touching her in ways that you probly don't do anymore. Let her know that it's ok as long as it's what she wants and it bring her happiness.

How's all that sound?

Ooops, didn't realize this thread had 3 pages already!!

It's good you came back..it's good you see atleast SOME truths. But there is more. I know from experience. I was on that other side of the fence and I was SURE that we were different, our situation was unique, we would beat the odds...yadda yadda yadda.

There IS a hole in your marriage if you were capable of cheating. The hole is in you, but because your marriage is a union of the two of you...if you've got a hole, the marriage has a hole. If your hope is to one day be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself...to be able to feel like you really did do the right thing and have it FEEL GOOD...if you REALLY want to be part of a unique relationship...then make your marriage beat the odds of so many other marriages out there. FIX YOU...FIX YOUR MARRIAGE. As a former fence jumper I have to say it feels SOOO much better than sitting around trying to justify bad behavior.

8Time, want to implore you to tell to read everything on this site, and in the interest of your pecious wife's wellbeing, confess to her. My husband cheated on me also--"married but dating", was his terminology. He had a huge change of heart through faith in God and began to regret his former way of life. He promised himself he would never hurt me by telling me of his cheating. So for many years he carried that burden on his soul. It sat between us like the elephant in the living room. I always knew in my heart there was a lack of soul-to-soul kinship in our relationship but was in deep denial, and whenever we talked about it,he said our marriage was great. Finally he told me because an std surfaced in him and he was afraid for my health. One of the greatest hells for me was the fact that he kept his secrets so long. It made me feel that I didn't even know him and how could I EVER trust a man that could live with me, sleep with me, "love" me, laugh with me, cry with me, raise beautiful children with me, while keeping such deep dark secrets. It shook me to the core of my foundations. The longer you hold the truth from her, the less your chances of being truly in love. You hold the keys, to your future and hers.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

fyi:
Chris, I am pretty sure he mean OM's W. He is the BS.
Sivverthorn is the bs but he was discussing what 8TL should do.

He said, "Tell your wife, she needs to know, then ask the OMH for forgivness, he also need to know what he is facing."
So 8TL should tell his wife and then ask OWH (not OMH) for forgiveness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

If you want a divorce, then just do it BUT the ow should NOT be a reason for divorce.

It's a very, VERY bad idea to send this letter to the ow.
The ONLY thing this letter will do is to stir up the pot and cause everybody so much more grief and disillusionment.

You sound like those mechanics who get under the hood and cause more damage than they fix.

As I told you before in answer to your challenge (that you never responded to) I have been on both sides of the fence.

Why would you send her this email? Why not spend this energy on your wife? Bet she'd love to hear this vulnerability and honesty from you. Bet she's miserable and covering. Bet you both could do alot together in MC.... but NOT while you continue to load your OW with information that should be your wife's.

Your PA maybe heading to an end .. but something tells me that your EA will continue long after word. YOu may not even believe that the letter you just wrote is a MASSIVE betrayal to your wife.

But it is.

I read through it .. it all sounds like justifications to try and cover up that what you are doing is wrong and should be stopped.

So stop, walk away .. get help. Your wife had an A too -- geez something IS amiss in your household ... everything is NOT okay, no matter how much you think it is.. or how blind you want to be.

Your OW is a grown woman, she made a choice too...and she knew the consquences of that choice.

"profit" from her and the relationship (wow talk about a selfish concept) ... no wonder you feel like you are using her ... you are and you always have been.

It wasn't up to you to fix her marriage or her (I'm reminded of James Taylor's "Candy Man" here)... she could have opened up the yellow pages, found a councelor for herself and a marriage councelor too.

Just like you can and should for yourself and your marriage. It's the status quo that you "gallantly" defend which will lead both of you to more affairs and greater distance from each other.

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

posted by Chris
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a very, VERY bad idea to send this letter to the ow.
The ONLY thing this letter will do is to stir up the pot and cause everybody so much more grief and disillusionment. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or bringing her back to him for a host of reasons .. and keeping the A going.

8time,

Wow as a person who's ex husband had two affairs in one year I should be angry with you but I'm not. Instead I can see the total destruction you are making in the lives of two families and it makes me very sad. Please think long and hard about this before you do go off the deep end. Yeah the sex with her was great but it probably was the first few times with your past and present wife to. What happens after reality hits and you have lost everything you have and she has lost everything she has. Do you think that your relationship will survive the guilt. I know from experience with my exH it won't. Just out of curiosity how old are you?? Sounds like midlife crisis to me.

You need to look ahead to the future here not just whats happening now.

Good Luck,

Jill

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: jillybean36 ]</small>

Your thinking is not clear. Your reasoning is very skewed. The fact that you didn't really fix your marriage, or yourself, does not deem it a 'wreck' or 'salvage'. My H and I worked TOGETHER to REBUILD, we didn't just bondo over the dents. What we have now is a truly fine tuned machine...not some salvage job that you describe.

You want to ruin your own marriage and take someone elses with it....feel free. People do it all the time and manage somehow to live with themselves. But don't try to paint the rest of us as idiots for our hard work and COMMITMENT, just because you haven't got the guts to try it.

And someday....if you decide to quit blaming everyone else for your problems and decide that having a victim mentality isn't getting you where you really want to be...maybe you'll see things differently.

I have been there. I don't feel sorry for you, reguardless of who did what or how or when. Today...right now...you make your own choices.

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 8TL said :
I do love my W very much, no matter what naysayers may think. I made a mistake. There I said it. I never should have let the OW know how I felt. That was it, the start of it all. Had nothing been said it would have just been that, nothing. But that implies that I regret being with the OW, and I don't. I don't at all. I regret lying, I regret cheating, I regret all the bad things that go with the A. But I don't regret how I feel about her, even though it kills me to be torn like this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know... I'm going to have to step off this thread because I'm at a place where I'm still too vulnerable to the temptation of the OW.

You are reminding me very much of me 8TL, much of what you've been saying here you could read from my own thread. Frightening really. There are some minor differences and a few major ones but your thought processes are similar. The quote above... well... I've written it. I still feel that way too. But there is a payload.

In a matter of a few months my health has taken a few uncomfortable turns. Due primarily to the stress and pain and what has been diagnosed as anxiety brought on by my actions. I'm a wreck.

You - on the other hand - well.. I have to wonder if you have calluses in all those sensitive spots from your past experience with infidelity. Not pointing fingers or trying to put you on the defensive... Just wondering from a WS perspective.

Knowing how much pain I feel, I wonder if you are desensitized or if your pain is actually compounded further by your past indiscretion.

That's more for the other posters to ponder. If it's compounded, then this may well kill you once it all begins to settle in. No mellow drama there. I've been fighting a very similar internal battle as you are right now since late April.

Cold turkey man... It's the only way. I'm not suggesting that it's the easy way. I'm still struggling too. So I'm chickening out on you primarily so I don't support your actions as I'm tempted to do at this point.

Goodbye and goodluck and ... If you'll have God... he'll have you.

-TMD

All I can say is that it brings tears to my eyes to know that we live in a world where this kind of behavior exists. How sad our Father in Heaven must be to see His children treating one another in this way.....He loves us, He gave us life and this is how we treat one of His very own. So so sad!

It sickens me that you would take the time to come to this board and bring all of your views on how your Affair is so wonderful for you and how much this OW needs you. All I can say is that you need some serious help and that you are lucky that you have a Savior who died and atoned for your sins. It's people like you that were stoning him in the end.

I may sound as if I am on a soapbox, but your posts have brought up feelings in my of utter disgust with those who are still in the FOG and causing so much pain, anguish and turmoil to the very ones who are there to pick up the pieces when they fall.

8TL

Yep, your choosing the route of destruction. I just wonder how many other lives you will destroy for your own selfish needs.
It might help if you did start to participate in your W and children's church. But you would rather do anything else. You said it all started to help the OW, well you sure helped didn't you. Helped yourself. I doubt there was any true desire to help her. Sounds like you just wanted to help yourself to someone elses W.

I guess I may have seen your future.

Chris
Ok, one of many typo's. Sometimes my fingers just hit the wrong key. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wonderme, I don't know about brave, just a burden I had. At first it was pure revenge I was thinking. I had to wait until it was a desire that she had to know the person she was married to. I don't know if she read the letters. I do know that the a#$hole didn't see me give them to her. 8TL might want to take a lessun out of it. He could always find a BS that instead of a letter, might just drop of the WW for him to take care of. Or something worse.

From what it sounds like he wants and will cheat again. Maybe his heart is already dead.

8 time loser, I'd say good for your wife not needing you because she is in a safer place this way. Obviously, she knows more about you than you think, and if she needed you, you certainly aren't going to be there.
You may physically be in the home and the marriage, but you're not mentally with her.
I have a suggestion and let's see if you can live with it. Tell wife you feel better in other womans arms, but you don't want a divorce, so wife should also be able to go out and find someone who really does fulfill her needs for love, adoration and all the charm and romance.
Now, can you live with that? Is it ok if your wife screws around and has A's?
Um, I hear you like most men screaming no way, I'd dump her as a slut or W----.
Well, Sir, that is what your OW Is! Cheating on her H with you makes her a Harlot, Go look up that word in the dictionary and see what your lovely friend is!
You aren't getting what you need from wife because you aren't putting 100% of yourself into it.
I surmise you're just a man who has reached the point your wife's body is all too familar, though sexual fulfillment is still there, it hasn't got that new thrill, spine tingling sensation that only comes at first!
You say it isn't about Sex. YES IT IS!
You got an itch and decided it's ok to stay married, allowing your wife to fulfill the domestic chore,duties and take care of the children so you can screw around as if free and then go home to your cozy comfort zone.
Bottom line here is either get a divorce of dump OW. And I DO MEAN DUMP! Because the dump is where her kind belong.
No such thing as having her for a friend. You shame and disgrace your wife even thinking of being friends with a woman who slept with you, taking what only belongs to your wife. God says so! Don't like it, go argue with God.
But do womenkind a favor is you divorce, Stay single!
Then you can screw all the friends you make without hurting someone who put their trust in you!
however wonderful you think OW is, that's Other woman! she's dragging you and herself to the pits of hell. Go read proverbs, then think on it long and hard!
Simply put,S--- or get off the pot!
LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I'm sensitive and caring, generous and giving, loving and affectionate, but only when the situation would reward it. I'm also brash, loud, demanding, strong-willed, disciplined and direct, but only when the situation would reward it. As a romantic partner I'm high maintenance, requiring a lot of quality time, touching affection and one-on-one closeness. I seek approval, acceptance, attention and affection.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Suggest you add a para here:

“
So, rest assured, that the moment I’ll feel low for whatever reason, the moment someone else gives me a fraction more reward, approval, acceptance, attention or affection, I shall dump you as hard and as fast as I dumped my previous ex-wives and 4 (stop, no: 5) affair partners.
“

<small>[ September 08, 2003, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

8xL,

With the above said, you are not headed for recovery. IMHO, you appear to be headed for another A.

Why? Because you posted: "If I told my wife, it's not a matter of her forgiving me or not, the consequences are less important. I am not able to forgive myself. I couldn't stay knowing that she knows. And then I would be alone. I know many of you wish that upon me in your bitter heartbroken souls, while some of you have compassion. But I would not break 4 more hearts to satisfy a crowd of judges.

I broke two hearts today already. That's enough. It's all I can do to keep from running back to her."

Your post did not state about how you want to help, protect and love your family. As long as those family instincts are not allowed to grow, then you maybe prime for a slip on either end (yours or OWs).

Don't get me wrong, I know you are hurting for the OW but you need to show more love for your family than her. It is not coming across on these pages.

What our opinions are, are not important. Except that you can use others as a way to measure your sincerity.

Really 8TL, would you believe those same words if they were uttered by your W?

L.

8-

I'm glad you said goodbye to ow. Since you have made the RIGHT choice, maybe you do care for her. You have done the right thing. It is my belief that you have a long way to go. There is a lot of fog in your words. I hope that you will at least tell your wife that your marriage is broken. She deserves to know, so she can take steps to fix it.

Holding out faith for you to stay away from ow.
Slap your hand away from the phone. Do not contact her.
God Bless
tsc