Attaboy 8-time!!!

We got a pulse here guys, this patient may live a long happy life.

Ok, you adore your children, you are disconnected from your wife. This is not a rare thing my friend, it is the number one thing that brings people to this forum

You are human, you have things in your life that need changing in order to fulfill the picture you have of your family in the future and you have a really good reason to do it - those kids.

You are also scared that your failings will hurt them, good man, glad that you see that.

8, buddy, you really need to read a bit about what causes affairs. There were problems in your marriage before the affair - you probably got withdrawn (disconnected) and lost track of each other. But this is your wife, you want to have the old you back, the joy you and your wife had and you want to look in the mirror knowing that you are a good husband and father.

There is exactly one man who can do that - you can. I won't start in on you yet about revealing the affair, I know that you are not anywhere near ready to do that.

Do some reading. Read about emotional needs and love busters on this site and fill out the questionaires, see what you learn about yourself and how you got in this mess first. Keep No Contact on the OW - I tried being friends 5 times and no contact once, 5 times I was back into the affair and 1 time it worked - get it?

You are hurting but you are ALREADY getting better. Cheating damages you in ways that you won't see for a long time - about 1000 posts ago I thought I understood it and the wonderful folks here taught me a lot and still do every day.

1 question for you.
Knowing whether or not you are a spiritual person and of what faith would help me and some others better know how to recommend reading materials and help you with this, if that is something you are comfortable talking about. No right or wrong answer, but knowing would make it easier to recommend some things to read.

Welcome back to being you, keep it up and re-read what you told me about those kids. Mine is my life and my motivation too.

....and you thought I just wanted to pick on you :-)

2.

Dear 8-time,

I have been following your thread. I never feel as if I have much advice for anyone because I have screwed up so much in my own life.

But I did want to say that I do understand how you feel. I do understand what you did with OW--even though it may have hurt her. I am the OW--and I know that even though something like that would crush me---it would help to end things---with no thought of any possibility of anything else. Even though she may have been hurt and angry---she will have an easier time with closure and will hopefully rededicate herself to her marriage.

You said some wonderful things about your family...do all you can to stay focused on that. It is hard to do---especially when going through withdrawal---but stay focused and you'll do it.

As for telling your wife--I won't post my opinion--it tends to differ from most here on MB. And maybe I'm just not at that point yet with my own situation...but just get through day to day now.

Pray for strength and guidance---no matter how we have fallen--He always listens and is there to pick us up.

Blessings to you.

8, you will connect with your own wife, and be an excellent father/husband role model for the family that belongs to you. This is your new beginning. It has to do with your honest and clarifying feelings. Rational choices, will beget more rational choices. The pains and nervous excitements will become filled with something more real, not like a fix for an addict.

But, you are not alone in this development. You are in the company of many who worked and thought about the road they were on and set a better course for connectedness with their own family.

You don't feel connected with your own wife as you have spent love and time on this work lady. And she seems perfect as you don't live with her. She has faults too and gets ugly on occasion etc. But all you are looking at is the "wanting it all" thing.

But when you get down to it, you love those children of yours and seem to love the wife, although she is always there for you and taking care of you and you have seen her without make-up and seen her in all of the states a person is in in the real world. When we are married, we get to share all of that. But what you need to know is that once you get out of the imagining thing with the work person, you will have time to get connection with your wife.

And if your relationship is in really bad shape (seemingly unreparable), there is counseling and books and here but it takes emotional adjustments to change yourself.

At one point it will all start to make sense, and you can put the old ways behind you. But you do need to work at it. And want to get things into mature perspective.

I like what you wrote about your family and the respectful things about your wife.

Sounds torturous at work and what a dead end situation that is. I hope you will get better at doing and thinking the right things. It is judgemental stuff. If you use judgement, it helps to avoid problems.

And lastly, please read Shirley Glasses "Not Just Friends". It will help you to protect your beloved family, and you and your wife. Yes, marriage needs protecting.

The best gift you give your children is love and the things you teach them by the way that you live each and every day.

Please don't curse me. But I know it was provoking. But you need that, in a good way...for a change!!

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

8-time.

You really need to do some reading my friend.
Start with the emotional needs section.

There is absolutely nothing productive about thinking whether you and the OW would do well together. It is possible that you could leave your wife, she could leave her husband and everything would be great - just like 2% of all such marriages that begin from an affair.

However, if you compare the work it would take to end your marriage to the work it would take to re-engage in it I think you will see that fixing THIS marriage is more sensible than giving up and trying a new one.

Of course things are different now, you are different too - you have been growing apart instead of growing together - YOU CAN FIX THAT!

2 questions - Whatchya read so far and let me know what your feelings are regarding your spiritual life.

Oh, did you go through the Emotional Needs survey yet?

Yes, what have you read?

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

Too negative and too much I want this and that. You are going to have to kick your own @ss, sonny!! Don't you see your attitude? You know this is Marriage Builders, so you need to do that.

Are you depressed? Lots of people take meds for it. But, I have found that when people start living right, they lose the depression and learn how to be happy doing things that are honest and fulfilling.

Best wishes to you 8! Reading never hurt a mind for sure, so give it a try...It won't hurt your image a bit!!

8

OK, real simple and without judgment.

Nobody can help if you don't reveal this mysterious obstcle of which you speak.
If you don't want to do the work and believe it would be easier to go find a place where a particular obstacle does not exist then that is one way to deal with problems... but buy good running shoes if you want to live that way.

Anything worth having is worth working for - you said that your children matter? Your actions are saying they do not. What is it going to be 8?

Do you want help or do you not want help? Whether it is me or the others here or a counselor or God himself if you are unwilling or unable to commit to putting forth some sort of effort then quit - it is over and you lost because you lacked the courage to even try.

Check for a pulse, if there is one there then it is time to quit wasting it and get your tail on a path that CAN make you feel happy and whole again.

BUT - do you want help or do you not? If you do then spill so we know where you are and what you have to overcome.

obstacle shmobstacle

While I realize I am probably not welcome on this post...

thank you 2ofa...I thought it was me...I can not understand what eighttime is saying...
just relieved it's not just me...

ARK...who does mean well....even when others think not...

there is usually pain in change and growth...

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

Wow. This sounds like a champion LB on her part. Have you tried negotiating this with a third party -- even one from her church? I'm not so sure about this different "levels" thing -- we are all on different levels, in different areas.

I'll let more experienced people pipe in.

8-time

ok, now you have presented us with a bonafide obstacle that could be insurmountable.

I need to ask a few more questions.

Please tell us about the churchlife she is involved in. I can certainly see that I would have a very difficult time in a church whose philosophy was not scriptural. In fact, I have walked out of churches and ended a relationship for that very reason.

Tell us a bit more about this churchlife. You are hinting at something here that we need more info on, there are a lot of Christian posters here that may have dealt with this.

Please give us the details you can about their practices that are not comfortable to you or seem out of whack to you.

Board - let him talk and don't pounce please.

One thing is pretty darned clear in the Bible 8-time... you are to be the spiritual head of your household. Not my rule, didn't write it but it is quite black and white.

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

Oh boy.

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

8 time.

I am secretly huddling with a number of fellow Christian MB'rs talking behind your back blatantly. We will be with you shortly.

PS> This small obstacle is somewhat akin to an Elephant in the living room. Not going to start a Jihad but suffice it to say that there are key differences between a baptist and a follower of Watchman Nee and Witness Lee.

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>

8-time,

go create an anonymous email addy for me, and send it to me, Kay? Got some friends to help but this may not be the right place.

PS> You sound better each day, hang around.

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: 8 Time Loser ]</small>