Well, it's been a long time since I last ventured here. Most of you knew me as ClaireL. Since going into a deep, dark Plan B, I realised that my true name was Enigma!! ClaireL was only because I had no inspiration on DDay.

I don't feel sad about the demise of my marriage anymore.  I have been going out and having fun and seeing the opportunities that are before me with a new set of eyes.  Life goes on.

As for checking up on WH and OW, well I am proud to say that there have been no drive bys for nearly 2 months.  Infact, last week, I went past the intersection that leads to her place and the thought of going past her house didn't even occur to me until I had reached the next intersection .....  How far I have come!!

Due to the internet connection still being shared between WH and myself (maybe he forgot!!) I can read his e-mails . I haven't looked at the e-mail account for close to 6 weeks. But today, for some reason, I checked out of curiousity ..... Seems as if all is not well in fogland.  Maybe the cracks are starting to show.  Excerpts of email from OW to WH:

"Sometimes I feel that when I tell you something I can feel the pressure, I know what you will say and it normally not very nice for me to hear them, but I always tell myself that you want the best out of me, that's why you will say such a thing. Sometimes I wish that I don't tell you, because then I don't have to sit there and wait for the bomb to arrive."

"I realise because sometimes I am worried about telling you things, because I don't want to hear negative things, so I get worried before I tell you and then get sad after I tell you, coz sometimes I feel bad after you told me things. And I think that will start making me not to tell you things until I have already made 70% or 80% decision. It's not very healthy for our relation. The thing is that I start to feel that I don't quite understand you. I don't know how you feel, I don't know what is your mind doing, not that I use to know or something. But coz last time you told me that your mind will still tell you about your separation things and make you feel down and all that. I never really felt that when I'm with you, until you told me, so to be honest, I was quite surprised and it has a warning light bulb lighting up in my head. It starts to make me feel that "Oh, when should I do this, or should I do this, should I tell him?" I start to get worried about what should I do or not to do, and what should I say or not to say."

"Sometimes I also feel neglected by you, but I know you are not. You are just too tired from work, or you are too busy with your work. No doubt I might do that when I busy, but I always always have you in my mind and keep thinking about you, although I can't talk to you or msg you."

"No doubt that we have our own friends and it's fair enough that you want to spend some time with your friends, but the other night the way you tell me that you want to just play squash with TTT it did irritates me in a big time. My mind was going, "What!!! So he rather play with his friends than me, fine!!!" I think there is a better way than the way you say it. It's far too straight mate!!! So my direct reaction would be "Fine, I will find another squash partner, and spend more time with all my other friends than him, since he's complaining that I have take too much of his time".  

(A little too clingy for my WH who is used to being allowed the freedom to do as he pleases!!)

Anyway, if I keep typing out what I feel and thoughts you will start to say "Oh my god, this woman is whinging again!" I have found a new squash partner, yes I'm worry about telling you this now but I have nothing to hide so... now you can play with TTT  and I will play with WWW  

Soooooo, OW is feeling neglected, she is taking second place to WH's friends.  He has been telling her "truthful" things that she doesn't want to hear.  And it is like a bomb hitting her!!!!!   She is tip-toeing around him and his feelings and isn't sure of what he is feeling/thinking.  He has been hiding his negative feelings about the separation from her - and seems to have had a bit of a watershed in the last week.

Not that all this means much to me. My life is far better, far freer now than it was a year ago. I have been to counselling, and I think that I have come to an understanding of what killed this relationship. I don't feel negative about it, or sad either. I have had one of the most rewarding years in my job this year, I am the fittest I have been in a long time, and I feel at peace within myself.

If by some bizarre twist of fate, WH was to come looking for reconciliation, I can't see myself taking him back. I gather that when Plan A/Plan B does work, it is usually 6 months of Plan B before the WS comes to his/her senses. I am about 1/2 way through that 6 months period, but feel SOOOO over this marriage. Maybe I'm kidding myself.

All thoughts and input welcome!

My Hero!!! If I could be only half a person you are now, I know I can get thru this. I too am the BS and my H is living on and off with OW...he even says, if I wanted to be there, I would....but that invisible string he has just will not stop him from talking to her. I have moved on..but in baby steps. DDay for me is nearly 11 months...I cannot believe the man I thought I never could live with out has been gone 11 months. However, during these 11 months, he has been around at least once a week. Everyone says that this is because he just cannot break ties. This is my third attempt at Plan B..the first time wasn't very good, the second...he promised to come home and to all of the conditions, but backed out at the last moment and this is the third time. I'm still frantically trying to save my marriage, but have to face the reality that maybe just maybe, it cannot be saved. Right now, it is in the back of my head. I have two children that I need to raise and their welfare, health and safety are my main concern. I just need to find that strength that you have found to propel me to the next step in personal recovery. I haven't reached that inner part of me yet, but I think I am coming close. I look at your experience and your success as a great motivator for me to do well for me and my children, and NO ONE ELSE!

Thanks for sharing your story Engima...what a great start to a rather dreary day.

Claire,

Your update sounds v positive. What development, what growth you went through.... and how utterly stuck these two chaps remain. I liked your post, it made me feel good.

As for your feelings, here's a little poem I found in a book - (from "Invictus" by WIlliam Ernest Henley)

"
It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
"

Have a good day,
Nick.

Nick, I liked that poem! Thanks.
Claire,
I have to say, that email you found cracked me up. That OW sounds like she is losing it. She is all over the place and rambling like crazy. All those coz's and stuff and all those well I Don't know what to tell you, when to tell you, how to tell you, what you are thinking, blah blah blah. What did she think would happen when she was with someone else's husband? She is still a fogland idiot so I hope she gets some sense someday. But that is not your worry. You live life, and live it well. And you sound great about not doing the drivebys and just keep that up. Take care of you Claire- you sound terrific!
By the way, what is SS in your subject? I thought it meant same sex at first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yes ... Plan B works ... because in the end .... you have to live with yourself, married or not.

Good for you!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS ..... Unless your WH has done some really hard work on himself (very doubtful if still in his A) then YOU just might be too healthy to take him back "as is". He'd need to do some self-work to catch up to where you are after your growth spurt. He could, but that's entirely up to him.

Also .... you might be too healthy to appeal to him! HE might "need" ..... a needier woman!

Sometimes it's just too ironic.....

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Great Post.

I get simmilar glimpses into my WW affiar from my monthly conversations with OM wife.

My WW is still running in many respects and can't talk to me.

Your husbands OW sound so confussed (i love that part) Now this may not meen anything but don't you think if they were in a healthy relationship they would talk about there problems not communicate with email.

I also loved the part about he does things with his friends and she with hers. What happened to there friends or his friends being hers. Sounds like there living separate lives within there own relationship. Not much respect from what I see.

Karena, you will get through this. Your kids need you to get through this, and you will see that life has much much more to offer you than a cheating husband who has chosen to abandon his family. I hope that when he visits (is it for the kids?) you are still doing PLAN B, otherwise he gets to cake eat. Too much cake is bad for you!!! Best wishes.

ADgirl - SS = Sailing Ship/Steamship. where did you get "same sex" from??? Nice to hear from you again, hope all is going well for you - I am a bit out of touch having been out trying to live my life for while ...

Nick, I love that poem!!. It may replace Emily Dickinson's "My Life Closed Twice" as Operation Concubine's theme poem. I'm way past that now!!

PepperBand, I sense that WH is stuck in so many ways:
Stuck with a clingy, whinging, gold digging (unattractive) OW
Stuck blaming me for his problems (well he can't since I am in plan b)
Stuck wishing he knew how to make himself feel better.
Stuck with himself!!!!!
And you know what ..... I wouldn't want to start a relationship with the man he is right now - and if that is the death knell for reconciliation what is?

GoodGuy,
With a bit of time and distance (and the odd piece of email intell) I can see WH for who he really was. At DDay, I had him up on a pedestal, believing that he was just wonderful, that we had a great relationship which was ruined by a stinking OW. So untrue. He was constantly faultfinding with me - to the extent that he paid for me to join a bodybuilding gym (I was fit anyway) said I needed breast implants (size C already if you will!!) etc ...

He seems to be finding some of the same faults with OW that he complained I had. This would indicate that he has a huge need to control others and that he has a checklist of what he wants from a woman, which is probably entirely unrealistic for any woman to meet.

OW is like me in some ways because she is a female. We talk about our daily problems and hassles. But WH never wants to hear this - this is whinging. But in many other ways she is the total opposite. I am very independent, where as she seems to be clingy and unable to make her own decisions. She wants to spend all of her time with him (poor thing, it must be love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), but he enjoys his freedom and being able to do what he wants (that of course led to this A ...)

All in all, a wee bit of backsliding going into his emails, but worth it to see SS Infidelity starting to hit the rocks!!

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

ADgirl - SS = Sailing Ship/Steamship. where did you get "same sex" from??? Nice to hear from you again, hope all is going well for you - I am a bit out of touch having been out trying to live my life for while .

hahahhaa. Claire, I had just read someone's post about his wife becoming a lesbian so i guess that is why I thought that. hahahahaha.
I am doing pretty good, sold my house in July so NC with ex anymore. A good thing for the healing process. I have a male friend that I hang out with but of course I take that slow, and he knows that I am still a mess.
Take care and live life!@!

adgirl, I reckon that the healing process is done best by strict no contact with the WS. Easier to do if there are no children of course.

I have had absolutely NC with WH for about 6 weeks now. The last communication was via email regarding the bond for our rented flat. The last time I spoke to him was in June. When the choice of either NC with OW or NC with the BS is put before the WS, and the WS chooses NC with their spouse ..... well that says a lot about the person they have become.

The feelings I have for WH run along the lines of concern for his welfare - last time I laid eyes on him (back in May!) he looked as if he had aged 10 years, crows feet had become etched near his eyes. I am also starting to feel sorry for OW too - he seems to be treating her with disrespect, and she just tells herself that it is because he loves her and wants the best for her. Blind to the fact she is a OW, and blind to the fact he is a WS. Maybe I should send her a copy of Dobson's "Love must be tough" ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Nor does she knows about the porn problem and the "thing" he has about asian girls. (Or maybe she does know, and is willing to go along with it all because she loves him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Anyways, I just wanted to say that full total NC with the WS is the BEST thing for a healthy and speedy recovery. Getting out of their world and focusing on rebuilding your own world is hard at first, but eventually the desire (and it is a desire, not a need) to know what WH is doing dies away.

As for what I've been doing to keep myself amused - well sport of course, reading books, playing my piano, planning my overseas trip for the end of the year, KNITTING!! spending time with friends. There were so many things that I didn't do because of WH. I see now how much control he had in my life ... for example:
telling me what clothes I should buy
trying to control what I physically looked like (advice freely given for hair, make up, gym programmes, teeth whitening and plastic surgery)
telling me that I needed to change careers
criticising my choice of friends
banning me from attending church
not allowing me to play my piano while he watched TV or played PS (which was most of the time)
not letting me read books in bed (he would take the book out of my hands and throw it away saying "no woman of mine is going to read books!" I realise now this isn't the joke he tried to make it out to be)

He tried to take away a lot of my decisions, but in many of these cases I just went and did what I wanted to do anyway. Wore clothes I liked, only did exercise I wanted to do, kept the friends I liked - which turned out to be the right decision, since they have supported and helped me hugely over the last 6 months. With the book reading example, I would just pick up the book and go and sleep out on the couch. So I got to read, and he couldn't hassle me for SF

So many little things come back to me. Like the time I bought some yoghurt when I did the weekly shopping and WH decided that it was his and that I couldn't have any of it. Utterly absurd. For goodness sake, I paid for it!! Hence a long, drawn out argument followed. The next day, he admitted he was wrong for telling me that I couldn't eat yoghurt I had paid for. Nice of him to apologise, but that argument should never have happened in the first place. Just one example of how absurd our relationship was getting.

Anyway, I am rambling now. In short, I have a much clearer perspective on how things really were in our marriage, and what I would like to do with the next few years of my life. I have a clearer perspective on WH and the person he actually is. I am nowhere near ready to consider a long term relationship with anyone except for myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Claire,
You sound great! I am happy for you and you are really growing and doing things for yourself. It is funny that you said that about his appearance in May. I was at my brother's house and found pictures in a box of my birthday last October. I knew about the affair then but my family didn't. It was an awful birthday really. But anyway, it was very very weird because there were 2 pictures of my ex and I in there. He had his arm kind of around me but he still looked far away...and he looked terrible. He looked like a stranger and he looked aged and rugged in a bad way. It was odd. Comparing pictures then to pictures before was amazing. Strange.
I try to stay involved in church, I eat junk food late at night if I want to (I went from size 8 to size 2 or 4 on the divorce diet- of course that is funny bc my ex commented once in front of my friends that he couldn't believe I was a size 8 and he later said he wished I weighed 110 lbs- I weighed 125 at the time- now i weigh about 115), I watch TV whatever I want, I read what I want, I get out and listen to music and talk to friends and I don't have to worry about my weird in-laws. hahahahahahhahahaha.
I am not looking for a long term relationship either but it is pretty amazing/cool/fun/nice to spend time with my male friend and see how he wants to do things for me or wants to help me. I don't know that we will have a 'relationship' but it just shows me that there are better men out there. Godly men...men who want to do what is right and honorable and good.
We will be ok - we are tough cookies!
Your stories about your H are ridiculous - the way he treated you. Of course I laugh at how ridiculous some things with us were too. Like the 1st wedding anniversary- my brother told him he needed to go get me a card bc I love cards and he was bad about it...nope didn't get me one. Thought they were a waste of money. Or how he bought me donuts for my birthday once. That is all. Or how when he proposed he just handed me the ring that I helped him pick out and said "wanna get married". Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking, not using those clues to determine that maybe he didn't love me like he should.
DUH. But I have really improved on myself and my outlook on life so I guess that is what is important.
Take care Claire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

PS Go eat a bunch of yogurt!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

How about this for a strange birthday present!!

WH gave me a book on women's bodybuilding (published in 1986) that he had bought from a second hand shop!

I should have realised this was a sign of things to come ....

Oh yes, I just remembered the first Christmas present he gave me after we were married.

A National Geographic magazine. (no, not a subscription or a special edition ... December 1998 National Geographic)

Just what I always wanted!!! What a sweetie

How about this. Putting up a Christmas tree was too much money and too much work. And for Valentines Day he asked me to pick out a pair of tennis shoes for him to buy me. And for one Valentines Day I was upset about not getting flowers so we were at kroger and he put 3 roses on the scanner while I was standing there and then told me to take them.
How loving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

The more I read about your situation the more I say RUN, RUN Fast from your abusive husband.

I also think that NC with the WS is the best method of our healing. Lets us the BS get out of the triangle and to some extent our own fog.

At times I also feel sorry for my WW. She's no longer the person she once was. A slow change over the past few years.

And because the OM was a friend I know things about his past/character that my WW has no idea about. I also know from his wife the relationship that there still having, and the things he's saying to his wife.

The OM is betraying my WW and has been since DDay.

adgirl - did you get flowers for valentines day?

I am soooooooo jealous!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Oh and how's this one for irony ...

for Christmas 1999, I got a yoghurt maker! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ya gotta luv it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Enigma:
<strong>adgirl - did you get flowers for valentines day?

I am soooooooo jealous!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hahaha. I did get flowers for real, sent to work, Feb. 2002. It was amazing. But my first birthday with us dating he gave me 1/2 dozen roses, then the kroger incident, then Feb. 2002 was it.

But I guess if you NEVER did, that is even worse!!!! EEK!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Enigma:
<strong>Oh and how's this one for irony ...

for Christmas 1999, I got a yoghurt maker! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ya gotta luv it!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hahahaha that is funny. I got a box of dilly bars from Dairy Queen on my bday one year because he had forgotten his keys at his parents and they had to meet us an hour away and no one told me happy birthday (not even him) so I got mad so he went through the drive through of Dairy Queen to make it all better.
Amazing- he buys me Dilly Bars and Donuts but I am too fat at a size 8.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Adgirl48,

Sorry to cut in,

But does your WH relize that in his near future he's going to me not only a father but also a father raising his child on his own.

If the OW is only 26 and has a 2 1/2 year old that meens she was 22 when she got preagnet the first time. Gave up her baby to her first husband/boyfriend and is now having another mans baby.

Two babies, Two Men in 4 years. WOW