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Late in the week, I tend to let my sense of humor wander. Yes I have plenty of reasons to count my blessings.
So, if any of those things seemed to be kind of off the wall, they just may have been.
The new kitten is settling in well with the family- though my other pets aren't too sure!
Our Dog died a few months ago, and I just can't seem to want another right now. I hope nothing ever happens to my W. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Had a visit to my new school ;last wek and I know its going to be a good experience. Start fulltime next week.
You will be very busy for a while until you have the lessons mastered to your satisfaction and feel comfortable. It would take me about 2 years, but I suspect by Christmas you will be feeling pretty comfortable, perhaps sooner. I would like to sit in on one of your classes. Probably make you nervous though, so I'll stay away.
Heard today T's new g/f has dumped him- he sent me an email and told me. One day he's going to wake up and realise its him that has to hcange.
He sounds good until they get to know him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
One of my worries is the he never will figure it out. I don't know why I worry about him, but it pains me to think he has to live like that.
A came to the new church with me yesterday and enjoyed it- though he hesitated to admit it!! Oh well one step at a time!
It's sometimes hard for boys to admit things. I hope you thanked him for going with you. I suspect you did.
This weekend we got to attend a wedding for a son of my cousin. It is about 265 miles from here, so not a short trip. Actually, this is the son of the cousin in Surrey. He was attending college here and met what seems to be a very nice girl. I don't get to see her (the cousin) often now that she lives in the UK, but if I visit her, I'll let you know.
We attended church while there - in a town we used to live 25 years ago. I wondered if anyone would remember me, as I found names poping into my head while we waited on the meeting to start. Amazingly enough, several people did remember us and introduced themselves after the service was over. Kind of fun to be remembered, and equally fun to remember those that were so kind to us many years ago when we were a young family.
Well, let us know how school is going - if you get any time at all.
Also,(and I hate to ask, because I know now busy you are,) more about the subject you are teaching, and how prepared you feel as you begin.
I hope the girls at this school pay a little more attention to the teacher and spend less time playing with their telephones.
SS
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Hi Its certainly interesting when things don't go well for our ex's unfortunately in my case they are going so badly for him its now impinging on my life again. H has yet another new g/f which he told the boys about yesterday- he began by telling them he was no longer seeing the last one and when they asked if he had a new one- told them about her. Today I've had an email informing me that my child support didn't get transferred to my account today because he is so over drawn the bank have effectively frozen his account!!! So not sure how long it will be before I'm paid anything- just rejoicing that I started my new job this week and will at least have a decent wage coming in from that. This finance problem also means he won't be able to afford to pay the train fares for the boys to visit him in a fortnight! Not sure what is best in the circumstances? Do I offer to pay so they can see him?? On a lighter front had a lovely weekend meeting with a few old friends now with whom I always have a great laugh. That set me up nicely for my new job and the upsets that have followed with ex. The job itself has gone well today- most of the classes being well behaved and receptive. Still finding my way with the course work but I'm sure within a fortnight I'll be there! The work itself is religious education but with an emphasis on moral and philosophical issues. So we look at things such as medical ethics- is it ever right to take a life, war discriminatin and prejusice, looking at all topics from a secular and christian perspective. I 'm also teaching sociology which is new to me- looks at society and how it works! I've also now been told I'll be teaching some lower school history from January but as I've taught that before I'me happy with it. Its a much ncer school than the ones I've taught in recently so I'm sure I'm going to enjoy it.
Jante <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Nice to see you post with a smile.
I have just been called upstairs, I'll have to finish this tomorrow. Probably just edit this post.
Won't you have a very nice week? Just as a favor to me -
Later Edit Perhaps this is what T needs to actually learn something, but since he has refused to learn so far, I won't count on it. I am sorry what he is doing affects your life too. Much of what I could say is probably a DJ, so I should quit.
Are you much more upset than you seem to be? You don't need to answer, I know it has to be frustrating.
Now nice you could meet your friends. Sounds like the ones you have traveled to see before. No word of wild parties, but then, you would probably stay away from details if the party were wild. (You know I am teasing - right?) That has to be good for you, I am happy you have this outlet for recration, and conversation.
The job itself has gone well today- most of the classes being well behaved and receptive. Still finding my way with the course work but I'm sure within a fortnight I'll be there! The work itself is religious education but with an emphasis on moral and philosophical issues. So we look at things such as medical ethics- is it ever right to take a life, war discriminatin and prejusice, looking at all topics from a secular and christian perspective. I 'm also teaching sociology which is new to me- looks at society and how it works! I've also now been told I'll be teaching some lower school history from January but as I've taught that before I'me happy with it. Its a much ncer school than the ones I've taught in recently so I'm sure I'm going to enjoy it.
That sounds interresting - knowing you a little, I would think you are having fun with this. How far do you have to travel to this school? I hope it is not too far for you, so that you would have to miss time with the boys.
AS far as should you pay for the boys to visit T?
If you can, and you think it wise, then go ahead. I haven't seen your bank account balance lately, but I suspect you would have to sacrifice something you have been planning for if you pay the train fare.
I realize you probably have mixed feelings about it. It is His fault, because it seems he continues to spend as though the money would last forever, no matter what his circumstances. And another girl friend?? What is he thinking? I would pay my bills first - how can he have any kind of self esteem in dating when he continues to live and spend as he does?
I see you are calling him ex now. Your mind continues to distance you from him. This isn't a judgement, just an observation. I think if it were me, I would have been gone long before you were. I still use you as as an example of one that did all she could to make it work.
I know you will take all the factors into account - the needs of the boys, your finances, and his need to see the boys. I believe you will pay if you can, and that you will wish you could if you cannot. Use logic and reason, and then pray about what you feel is right. You will know what to do.
Still troubles with Spencer and school. He is off plan a little this fall, and will have to take a make up class on his own time to graduate from High School next spring. I am almost ready to leave him alone to fail on his own, but it's hard to just drop them. Perhaps I can help him a little longer. I hope your boys are doing well this week.
Probably I will feel better about S tomorrow. These feelings come and go.
Do you still have quiet evenings, or do you spend all your time correcting papers now?
SS <small>[ November 19, 2003, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
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Hi SS
Are you much more upset than you seem to be? You don't need to answer, I know it has to be frustrating. Frustrated ys- upset no. It is frustrating that despite everything that has happened he doesn't seem to learn. It turned out that despite what the bank told him , they did pay my support into my account, so as the money came I have ofered to pay for the boys to see him next w/e. I have told him I won't be able to do it every month but will this time to allow the pattern to continue as they have only been to his place once. Yes my friends were the ones I have visited with beofre- No wild party just a nice meal, a fun board game, a lot of chat, rugby on the sunday morning then a long walk. I have accepted that the one gemtleman in the group who i like doesn't see me in the same way and so just enjoyed a pleasant time with friends. I have been out a couple of times with another gentleman, and we have planned to meet up again next w/e for a walk. We get on really well, and seem to have very similar values. School has gone very well this week. No real problems discipline wise, though a couple who did try it on but I was able to deal with it. The school is only a 10 minute drive away so not too bad at all!! So sorry to hear about your continuing problems with S. I'm hoping the worst of the porblems with D are over. Have a good week Jante
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Hi J,
You still there?
I have been off the boards for a few days, but I'll get back to you soon. Probably edit this again.
SS
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm still popping in! Jante
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I have popped in a few times also, but not been able to stay and complete the posts I wanted to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I am just leaving work now, and my drive home is about 6 minutes I don't have you beat by much.
I meant to post to everyone today, but spent time away from the store finding bargins at an office supply store that went out of business. Mostly shelves for the store, but they had to be hauled back and cleaned before we could install them, and it took me about all day.
I have accepted that the one gemtleman in the group who i like doesn't see me in the same way and so just enjoyed a pleasant time with friends.
It sounds as though you have some close friends there that have been very helpful for you. What does T do with the boys while you are gone? Are the boys happy now with the arangement?
I have been out a couple of times with another gentleman, and we have planned to meet up again next w/e for a walk. We get on really well, and seem to have very similar values.
I have been praying hard about the similar values. Be careful with your heart, but don't be afraid. I am hopeful for you.
School has gone very well this week. No real problems discipline wise, though a couple who did try it on but I was able to deal with it.
I can see you taking care of it - now you made me grin. I have good friend that is a full time teacher and he recently changed schools. He said that the students always try lots of things to see what they can get away with, but if he stays firm, they get used to it and act fairly well after that. You would know much more about that than I do, but I am glad it is working out for you.
The school is only a 10 minute drive away so not too bad at all!!
Some girls have all the luck. It's about time.
Not much change with S, but we are working on it. I'll let you know how it goes. Right now, you are doing better than we are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Today the twins even got into a fight, and I had to make them sit still until they got in the mood to work it out peacefully. Fireworks are the norm sometimes, but I try not to get used to them. Peace and quiet suit me better.
Glad there is peace in your world, keep it up.
SS
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Hi SS
I’ve sent the boys off to their dads for the w/e and am enjoying my freedom!
What does T do with the boys while you are gone? Are the boys happy now with the arangement?
I’m no sure but the boys have said they watch tv and go for walks. Of course he can’t afford to do much else with them this w/e. Last time he took them to meet his g/f and family but she dumped him 2 days later so he’s said he won’t be taking them to meet the latest one for a while!! The boys aren’t very pleased to be going- they would still rather stay at home.
Thanks for the prayers. We did meet today- have lunch and then go for a ‘short’walk, it turned into a five mile hike and as one part was a very steep uphill I was reminded how unfit I was!! However we had a great time and are meeting again on Thursday evening. We enjoy each others company and for the moment that is enough.
I must admit this secod week at school had me questioning whether I really want to teach- I enjoyed the exercise of writing sample exam papers but didn’t enjoy the work with the students!!!! I think I must pray hard and re evaluate whjere I want to be come May when the contract ends- is teaching really what I want for the next 20 years??
In the meantime I had may fist pay packet and was able to go out today and enjoy buying some of the boys Christmas presents!!
Well hoping that S is calming down
Jante
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Hi SS I’ve sent the boys off to their dads for the w/e and am enjoying my freedom!
That's something that comes to mind on this end. There is not much time to one's self when you work, take care of the boys and pretty much do everything. It has to be a good thing to have a little free time. I have often wondered how you balance things, and that is one of the things I pray for - that you might have balance, and not feel overwhelmed always. The kind of person I know you to be, I don't suppose you would always feel pressure, but I know it must be there sometimes.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What does T do with the boys while you are gone? Are the boys happy now with the arrangement?
I’m not sure but the boys have said they watch tv and go for walks. Of course he can't afford to do much else with them this w/e. Last time he took them to meet his g/f and family but she dumped him 2 days later so he’s said he won’t be taking them to meet the latest one for a while!! The boys aren’t very pleased to be going- they would still rather stay at home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and I both know that in the long run it is good for them to see him, but it must be frustrating for them to go and then watch tv. They can do that at home. I often see parents on the infidelity end of things have a hard time with the children too. Your quote above says a lot about how he thinks, or doesn't think as the case may be.
You can still call him ex if you want - I didn't mean to call attention to the way you write, but I usually say what I think. After all, he is ex, by his own choice. There are still many things I don't understand about your feelings and thoughts, and I hope I don't ever offend you.
Thanks for the prayers. We did meet today- have lunch and then go for a ‘short’walk, it turned into a five mile hike and as one part was a very steep uphill I was reminded how unfit I was!! However we had a great time and are meeting again on Thursday evening. We enjoy each others company and for the moment that is enough.
Sounds more your style - I am happy for you. Not the five mile hike, but the interaction you have with him. Have the boys commented yet?
I must admit this secod week at school had me questioning whether I really want to teach- I enjoyed the exercise of writing sample exam papers but didn’t enjoy the work with the students!!!!
Would time make a difference? Or is it more than not being used to teaching for a long while?
I think I must pray hard and re evaluate where I want to be come May when the contract ends- is teaching really what I want for the next 20 years??
What else do you have in mind?
In the meantime I had may fist pay packet and was able to go out today and enjoy buying some of the boys Christmas presents!! Well hoping that S is calming down
I think we have about two thirds of ours done now. I actually did some of it myself the last two months so that we wouldn't have it to do all at once. Seems easier on the bank account to do it that way also. S is calming down - how can they be so good, and do so much good and still have so many troubles? But then, if I look at myself, I can see the same history. Sometimes learning is hard to come by.
Spent some time thinking about your three - I admire you for what you accomplish with them. I have to think some of your blessings are because God knows how hard it is, and you do it anyway, so he blesses you for it.
Have a good Sunday - what's left of the weekend. All the best.
SS <small>[ November 29, 2003, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
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Hi SS My ex rang me tonight to tell me that ue to his financial pressures he is having to go for a voluntary agreement- whereby all his debts are paid off as he can afford for 6 yrs and then what is still oed is wiped clean. Because of this he is moving in with his latest g/f of a month! and had had the boys there staying with the pair of them this w/e It also means that the car which is registered in my name, but he has the financial agreement in his name will either have to be repossesseed or I will have to take on the debt myself. there is still 2 and a half years to pay on the agreement- which is more than the car is now worth. My other option is to let it be repossessed and then to use my savings to buy a car outright. So i'm busy doing the sums at the moment. Ah well life is never boring Other than that off for a day at school- must try to raise some enthusiasm Jante
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Ah well life is never boring
Oh Ho, aren't you the comic today. I probably would have sat down and cried.
I hope the money he owes for your family is a high priority in the payment plan that is set up.
You are right, he seems to avoid learning at all costs.
Other than that off for a day at school- must try to raise some enthusiasm.
I am truly sorry it is hard on you, I hope in time it improves, or that you are able to find something that WILL work for you.
Are you at the point yet where you can share your heart with your new friend? Or do you just talk about every day things?
Don't be afraid to dream.
SS
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Hi SS Well I'm busy perusing the adverts for used cars! Feeling a little apprehensive about looking for a car on my own. the boys have plenty of suggestions but many aren't practical. Talked to T about the car explained i wouldn't be taking on the debt- the finance co told me I could take it on but would have to pay the full amount- and it would remain in T's name!! So buying outright a 'new' one from my savings. Also reminded T he still owed me for the legal fees when he sorted out his debts, and that he had always insited that the car payments were part of my child support- now he insists what he pays me in child support is the right amount!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Will persue that at a later day. Had a drink with my new gentleman friend last night- we are becoming closer and I have shared some things though perhaps not all my heart yet! We will be meeting again on Wed evening. Once a week is all we can manage at the moment but thats probably about right. Also got the new church elder coming to see me next week to chat through me joing the church it feels so good to feel settled there. Getting ready for christmas- i have T and his parents coming for christmas day and then my sister and her family and my mum on boxing day! Its going to be fun! Hope all is well with you
Janet
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Hi J, Wondering how you are.
Well I'm busy perusing the adverts for used cars! Feeling a little apprehensive about looking for a car on my own. the boys have plenty of suggestions but many aren't practical. So, if she is loyal to the commonwelth, it could be a Jag or a Rolls.
If she has some connections to the continent, how about a BMW, Porsche, or a Mercedes.
If she likes older faster local made cars, an Aston Martin?
Actually, I have no idea, but it is fun thinking about it. I suspect you'll stay away from the costlier expensive to fix ones. Did your friend help at all with suggestions?
Talked to T about the car explained i wouldn't be taking on the debt- the finance co told me I could take it on but would have to pay the full amount- and it would remain in T's name!! So buying outright a 'new' one from my savings. Also reminded T he still owed me for the legal fees when he sorted out his debts, and that he had always insited that the car payments were part of my child support- now he insists what he pays me in child support is the right amount!!! Will persue that at a later day.
My solicitor says "always get it in writing." How much later? How long will you let it go? I am afraid that if you let it go to long it will escape the payment plan they set up for him.
Had a drink with my new gentleman friend last night- we are becoming closer and I have shared some things though perhaps not all my heart yet! We will be meeting again on Wed evening. Once a week is all we can manage at the moment but thats probably about right.
We wait to hear how things go!!
I think it would be hard to hold back (emotionally) after what you have been through. He better be nice to you!
Also got the new church elder coming to see me next week to chat through me joing the church it feels so good to feel settled there. D show any signs of going yet? A still go sometimes? That has got to be hard.
Getting ready for christmas- i have T and his parents coming for christmas day and then my sister and her family and my mum on boxing day! Its going to be fun!
Yes, it sounds like it will, but I would like to see you spend the day with a husband, not with T. He made his choices. Oops, I am getting foreword, and I don't mean to. You deserve someone to take care of you, and to have someone to care for.
I always wonder if I ought to keep my fingers shut. I just want you to be happy.
Hope all is well with you
Well, been in the refiners fire myself these last few weeks. Must say it is quite hot, and perhaps my hair is singed, but I will probably live. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I keep praying for you, that you will be looked after. That the boys will also.
SS
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Hi
I'm doing well- although full of a nasty cold at the moment.
Actually, I have no idea, but it is fun thinking about it. I suspect you'll stay away from the costlier expensive to fix ones. Did your friend help at all with suggestions?
I've been looking at a vauxhall estate as my mum has trouble getting around and more and more I have to take a wheelchair with us. I suggested my friend might like to look with me- but hes not really into cars although he did say he would if I wanted him to!
My solicitor says "always get it in writing."
I know this would have been more sensible- but being me and T I didn't. I'll see what happens over the next fw months. I have an adequate amount, but not as much as initially aour Child suppot agency would have said- but due to his financial mess and him now paying extra in tax- back tax owed- the CSA would probably only give me £20 a month more.
I think it would be hard to hold back (emotionally) after what you have been through. He better be nice to you! He's being very nice to me- if he isn't I'll say goodbye!
D show any signs of going yet? A still go sometimes?
No D won't go and now A is refusing. But C is beginning to settle in and take part so thats one positive.
Yes, it sounds like it will, but I would like to see you spend the day with a husband, not with T. He made his choices. Oops, I am getting foreword, and I don't mean to. You deserve someone to take care of you, and to have someone to care for.
My desire too- and who knows by next Christmas perhaps T won't be sitting down to dinner with us.
Had an offer of a new job today- its part time with my old company - and would be a lot less stresss- but would mean letting my present school down as my contract there isn't due to end until May and this job would start around january /February- got to do some praying!!
Jante
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Hi J, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Mum's are not supposed to get colds. You are supposed to be well all the time.
I'm doing well- although full of a nasty cold at the moment. I think teaching with a bad cold would be difficllt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I sincerely hope you are doing better by now.
I've been looking at a vauxhall estate as my mum has trouble getting around and more and more I have to take a wheelchair with us. I suggested my friend might like to look with me- but hes not really into cars although he did say he would if I wanted him to!
The new ones are really nice. I haven't see the models back more than a year. Are you looking at a new one, or a used one? By now you could have made the purchase, and driven to Italy to test it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> One can never tell.
I know this would have been more sensible- but being me and T I didn't. I'll see what happens over the next fw months. I don't fault you for believing him. You seem to look for the best in people, and trusting him would be consistant with that.
I have an adequate amount, but not as much as initially aour Child suppot agency would have said- but due to his financial mess and him now paying extra in tax- back tax owed- the CSA would probably only give me £20 a month more.
I bet the boys could figure out how to spend an extra £20 per month. Ask D if he would like 20 per month. Ha, you know I am teasing. If it is not worth wile to ask, then don't waste the time. We just hope you can save some over and above what it cost to live.
He's being very nice to me- if he isn't I'll say goodbye!
Good, you deserve someone that will treat you with love and respect.
No D won't go and now A is refusing. But C is beginning to settle in and take part so thats one positive.
I wish there were something we could do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I continue to pray for all of you.......it's just not enough sometimes.
Had an offer of a new job today- its part time with my old company - and would be a lot less stresss- but would mean letting my present school down as my contract there isn't due to end until May and this job would start around january /February- got to do some praying!!
I have been through a somewhat rocky time myself, and it continues. I do have an answer to continue the way I am going, and things will work out. That is enough for me right now. Sometimes I want to know the end from the beginning, but he usually only gives me the nod to continue the same way, and shows me nothing of the path ahead. I continue to walk the path believing he will help if the way becomes to steep for me to travel alone. So far he always has.
Best wishes to you, and to your sons. Best wishes to your Mum, and your sisters. I hope you can find joy in your students as long as you are with them. May God bless you with the answers you seek about your Job, and everything else too.
I still believe you will do well. At this point, it would be hard not to believe in you.
SS
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Hi Thanks SS
Hi
Bad night tonight. My D had been in trouble earlie in the week for truanting school , so I'd gounded him. Then last night I had a dad of one of the other boys turn up on my doorstep with tobbacco and papers, saying D had admitted they were his. He now denies it but says he won't tell who they belong to as hes not a grass. I've stopped his pocket money for a month. Result tonight without saying anything to me, he's left with 2 friends and as hes taken his rucksack with him obviously intends to stay over night. I don't have the contact numbers of his friends and he hasn't ansered his mobile so I'm stuck until he turns up tomorrow. I'm at my wits end- how do you discipline teenages- especially as a single mum. He seems to have no rspect for anything i say and seems to go his own sweet way.
Any suggestions!!?????????????
Jante
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I used to give you things to try, but found most of the time you worked it out very well, so perhaps we can just review a few concepts that parents apply when working with children.
There are two main things we (W and I) use when working with our children. One is praise, and the other is leverage. Praise works well long term, but not for short term problems such as you now face. For that, leverage works best. I think it was one of the Greek philosophers that said if you had a long (and strong) enough lever, you could move the world.
Leverage means there has to be something they value that you can give or withhold to get the behavior you want. When our children were young, we sometimes used food. (note, we have learned a lot since then.) If they were out past supper time, and we were finished eating when they returned, they would simply miss a meal. That was a natural consequence of not coming when they were supposed to come. The food was all put away, and they did without. It helped with all of the children except one. All but one of them learned to come when it was time to eat. Our number 2 son did not value food, so since staying out was of more value to him then eating, he stayed out.
With S, he valued his job, and the money he earned by working part time, so last year, he was not allowed to work unless his grades were kept up. It took some months, but he finally came to us with a plan to keep them up, and make up back work. The first 3 or 4 months he acted like he didn't care.
So, I recommend you think about what you can use for leverage. Once they believe they are free, it is very hard to influence them when they are dead set on something. For instance, he has probably said to himself: "if I go anyway, what can she really do to me?" Sometimes there is not much we CAN do.
One of the teachers of a child relations class I attended spoke with me at length about this. He said that when leverage fails, there is only one tool left, and that is *massive doses of encouragement*. That is, tell them often that they are loved, and valued. Encourage correct behavior with praise. Hug them when you can get away with it. I have used that on S this last year, and he pretty much does what I ask now, but I AM VERY CAREFUL TO ONLY ASK WHAT I THINK HE WILL DO. So, it is a balancing act. I pick my battles carefully, and fight the ones I have high probability of winning. I leave alone the ones I know I have no leverage to win.
He is as tall as I am now, and things I could do years ago, don't impress him now. You are there with D, so you have to use the tools you have. The encouragement won't bring about a change in a short time, it is a long term thing.
I can often feel what to do. I pray over him often, and God will help me know the words to say - when to use pressure, when to use praise. It takes much thought and prayer for that, and you need something NOW. I have to think you will get help the same as I get it. I simply tell God what has happened, and that I need help knowing what to do, and very often answers come to me. Sometimes I seem to get no help but realize I had the skills to do it on my own and so he didn't help me.
I don't tell them that they will regret it later, or that they need to grow up, or any of that. It is not something that means a great deal right now to a teen. ( Kind of like telling them they may get cancer if they smoke) It is probably emotional, not logical. "I want to do this, and I can do this, and no one can stop me."
Though I can't tell you exactly what to do, I offer support. I will be praying for you tonight, and through the weekend. Remember that God can and does soften the hearts of men. He will not take away our agency, but he will cause us to think, and bring things to our minds. D has a lot of good in him, and he has a mother that loves him. There is a lot of be said for that.
I could say a lot of other things, but it is late for you. I feel to remind you again that there are those set to watch over your family, and D has some help. Do what you can, and leave it in God's hands. I hope you can sleep tonight. I have great hope for my children, and for yours also. Please do not despair, use your energy to solve this instead.
I was going to go on but I have been interrupted, and I have to respond. This is probably enough anyway.
Please let me know how both of you do.
SS <small>[ December 12, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
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Hi SS Follow up to last nights post. My Ddin't return home until 6.30pm this evening- though he did call and leave a message on the answer machine at 11.30am. Although I hadn't panicked- I was relieved to know he had done as I guessed. Once he returned home T- who is visiting the boys this w/e went in to talk to him asking me to stay out. Then he sent him to apologise to me. I calmly asked him how he felt when he left- he said he'd left because he was feeling stressed but wouldn't say what over. I find it hard to accept that that as the reason, as he had been quite happy and normal all day- unlike times in the past when hes shouted and thrown things. Also I feel his only real reason for leaving was that he wanted to sleep over with his friends and mnew if he asked I would refuse. I then said that until he had earned my trust again I wanted the key to his door- his room has an outside door which is how his friends were able to enter and him to leave without me knowing. At the moment he has refused to give it to me. I then asked what his dad had said- to which he said go and ask him- so I did. Dad said he'd decided to talk some moe to him tomorrow about being stessed as he felt that was an issue he should deal with and didn't think anything else needed saying - I felt then that what I'd done was probably wrong- but as he hadn't told me first what had been said accused him of not communicating with me. In frustratiion over the pair of them I then left the house for a couple of hours. I have decided to approach the school to see if there is a male teacher who can help by talking to D. Feeling very worn out by it all!! Jante
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Hi SS
Hi J,
Follow up to last nights post.
Thanks, things like tend to make me worry about you. Not that I need to, but I seem to do it.
My D didn't return home until 6.30pm this evening- though he did call and leave a message on the answer machine at 11.30am. Although I hadn't panicked- I was relieved to know he had done as I guessed. Once he returned home T- who is visiting the boys this w/e went in to talk to him asking me to stay out.
I suspect he (T) wanted to help, but I think doing it by himself would tend to make D think you don't count so much. This is one of those icky things that D brings. I can't see a good way to co-parent after you are Dv'd. If being a family and raising children is not a good enough reason for him to stay married, than what can you say to him now to get him to see what is needed with the boys. He's already given up the best chance he had to make it work.
Then he sent him to apologise to me.
That part is good anyway, he is thinking of you even if he doesn't always get it right.
I calmly asked him how he felt when he left- he said he'd left because he was feeling stressed but wouldn't say what over. I find it hard to accept that that as the reason, as he had been quite happy and normal all day- unlike times in the past when hes shouted and thrown things. Also I feel his only real reason for leaving was that he wanted to sleep over with his friends and mnew if he asked I would refuse.
I agree with you. T doesn't live with the boys now, and has not got a feel for what it's really like. I suspect he remembers how it was before, and a few years makes quite a difference. It's a good story, but it does sound like a story.
I then said that until he had earned my trust again I wanted the key to his door- his room has an outside door which is how his friends were able to enter and him to leave without me knowing. At the moment he has refused to give it to me.
You can change the lock, or have it changed. I have done this before myself. I don't think I would let him get away with having freedom, and not being trustworthy. The way it is at our house - if your actions are trustworthy, then we trust you, and let you have privledges. If your actions are not trustworthy, then you get food, and shelter, but beyond that, not much. (Oh, and you get love, but we always give that.)
As one of my friends said to his children - You will always have my love, but having my trust depends on your actions. If you have my trust, anything I have is yours to use, my time, and my possessions. If you do not have my trust, then I must protect my things (home, car, etc.) from misuse, and you may not use them at all, or you may have restrictions places upon the way you use them. You cannot do anything you wish.
I then asked what his dad had said- to which he said go and ask him- so I did. Dad said he'd decided to talk some moe to him tomorrow about being stessed as he felt that was an issue he should deal with and didn't think anything else needed saying - I felt then that what I'd done was probably wrong- but as he hadn't told me first what had been said accused him of not communicating with me. I feel it should have been done together - It is not a good thing for T to try to set conditions or enforce rules that you can't accept, or didn't have input into making. I suppose all you can do is ask him nicely to work with you. I suggest you be firm, but nice about it. It won't hurt to say please. Leverage with T would be nice too, but I don't know of any you could use.
In frustratiion over the pair of them I then left the house for a couple of hours. That was probably best - thinking is best done away from the "problems". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I have decided to approach the school to see if there is a male teacher who can help by talking to D.
That would be good, teachers often care a great deal about the students and like to help when they can.
You and I both know that there is no sure cure for what afflicts D. I was about 18 when I grew out of it, and I have a son 25 that still hasn't yet.
Feeling very worn out by it all!!
I haven't asked for quite a while, but it seems to be time.
How are you? How are you really doing?
SS <small>[ December 15, 2003, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
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Hi SS Well the saga continues-I maintained a friendly attitude when talking to him, and though he won't let me hug him did let him know I still love him what ever. Today I have had a phone call from the headteacher of his school. She wanted to know if I knew what he got up to on Friday night, as they have CCtTV at school, plus another member of staff had seen my son and his friends at the school, drunk- with my son flat out on the ground, and he was also sick. They also saw him smoking, and they are concerned because there is talk that this group are smoking cannabis. The other day when a father brought things round to my house that were supposedly my sons, it was tobacco and papers, not cigeretes.
I was devastated at the news from school- particulalry when I know how dangerous it could have been if he was really that drunk. Rang my T and persuaded him that together we spoke to him as I have 2 phones on line. We got him to admit the drinking- whisky- but still insists he doesn't smoke, and hates smoking. As the school supposedly has him on CCTV T thinks I should ask to see the tape, and so have the proof one way or another.D was belligerent on the phone but now seems to have pushed all thought of it away. I have spoken to the school an they are going to see if his form tutor can get alonside him and talk to him, see if he can help him talk about his feelings. T has also suggested he has him to stay, and although I don't want him to go for good- and not sure it would be the best anyway, we are looking at him going to stay for all of the christmas holiday- except of course for christmas day which my T is planning to spend with us anyway. We are going to think this over tonight, and then make a decision. T has to disucuss it with his new gilfriend who he now lives with. We are thinking that a short sharp shock and a warning that it could become a permanent arrangement if he didn't change may help.
All in all I feel more and more a failure as a wife and mum.
Jante
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