Sigh...I am sorry if I sounded cold-blooded. IN fact, I wish I could get me some of that cold blood because it would make life easier right now!

Mulan: It sounds to me like your mind is made up. So I will validate your feelings and say you're right, he won't change and as I said before, you deserve much better. Why don't you try now to move ahead with the next step? Are you afraid to do so? You might want to focus exclusively on the positive attitude towards your new life so that HE does not continue to dominate your thoughts. Otherwise I suspect your personal recovery will take a long long time.

Broken Heart and Arm: I read your other post/thread today and simply want to convey my support to you. I hope the time you've spent here at MB is helping you to heal from such a devastating ordeal.

Those two individual comments aside, I need to clarify again that the point of my post is not to tell spouses (likely women) that they should accept a part-time marriage, or just take the good times and ignore the bad. This is a short term response only.

The point of my post was to share some techniques you can use to get you through a really tough phase of the MBing. It is easy (yup, you heard me right...easy) to yell and scream and keep on making demand after demand after demand. The tough part is to smile, and be kind, gentle patient and understanding -- avoiding all LBers -- when all you WANT to do is scream, yell, etc.

Ahem...(false modesty) I have done an A-1 job because my situation was so dire. I have not yelled or screamed or demanded...period. (Actually, everyone has given me a big thumbs up in this area...thx JL for your fantastic mentoring.)

Why I am bothering to write this when Mulan has her mind made up? Because when I was desperate for resources, I found this site was long on concepts and short on techniques if you know what I mean. So I decided -- moved by Mulan's plight and how much she reminded me of where I was 3 years ago -- to share the ways I found to cope, techniques I had to so painfully discover on my own. These are methods you can employ in order to smile when what you really want to do is yell B*LLSH*T at the top of your lungs.

None of my suggestions were intended in any way to suggest someone live out the rest of their marriage in this fashion. I am rather dumbfounded they could be interpreted that way.

So...just in case someone else comes along and reads this thread and further misinterprets the basic message, please consider the following:

1. Read all about Plan A and what it is supposed to lead to.

2. And if you still think people are advocating that spouses should become doormats, please read the site more carefully. Read again and again.

3. Think about the role anger plays in your life, and if you believe it is ultimately healthy for YOU. Please note that I'm not talking short-term anger at the shock and betrayal you've experienced, but ongoing anger and resentment.

I've pulled a couple of quick quotes from various people (sorry for not crediting you!) to try and underscore the approach I'm advocating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> *If you've come here for help, don't expect change. Expect to change.* This site will not fix your spouse. But it might fix you, and in a way that makes it hard for someone who loves you, to ignore they love you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.
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