Mia -

I'm going to be a contrarian here. Let your husband make the next move. He's got a -huge- number of emotions he's got to work through right now. Hurt, anger, betrayal, fear, sadness, disgust... and they're all his. He probably feels like his head is going to explode with all of them in there.

In the meantime, you're dealing with hurt, anger, rejection, sadness, loss, humiliation, disgruntlement, and your own host of emotions. You probably feel like your heart is going to burst with all of them in there.

So. What -you- have to do is get your own emotions under control. You cannot control his emotions. It is just not physically possible to do it. And they're going to be ferociously strong for a while.

That's all you can do. Get your emotions under control. That letter? Yes, it's a good thing to write. But DO NOT write a 20 page epistle! Make it a two page, focused document. And then put it aside. Don't give it to your husband. Wait. It's been all of, what, five days since you told him? Give him some breathing room. Go learn about Plan A from the Concepts part of this site, and then IMPLEMENT IT.

- Stop LBing (because surely you are).
- Meet his needs, when he'll let you.
- PROTECT your husband. Do not have contact with this guy.
- Be completely honest when the questions start. Accept that the questions will go on for a good while.

And finally, be there for your husband when his emotions finally overwhelm him. He sounds like he's deep in withdrawal right now. He's going to come out of withdrawal into full conflict. That means anger, tears, screaming, scorn, ugliness. All kinds of things that you're not going to enjoy one bit.

Take a deeeeep breath when that happens. And then stay silent. Just listen. And listen. And listen. And answer the questions. And listen some more. And eventually he'll run down. It'll probably take hours or days.

And when that happens, start to say, very quietly, "I love you more than anything. I want our marriage to work. I'm committed to it. What can we do to get through this?"

Let him guide you through what he wants and needs. For a while it'll be nothing. For a while it'll be everything. But let him be the guide. You, for the moment, are the one who will have to be strong.

You're going to have to decide where your boundaries are, but that's later.

You're going to have to learn to express your hurt when he LBs. But that's later.

You're going to have to learn many, many things. But all those are for two weeks or a month or two months from now.

Right now, all you can do is control your emotions and get away from this guy. That'll be hard enough, I'm pretty sure.

Don't expect your H's son to be "out of your life" just because he is in college. College students are only actually at school about 7 months of the year, and that is only if they do not live close enough to come home for the weekend often. A very large percentage come home to live for at least a couple of years after college as well. Then, of course, there is the rest of their lives, when most parents remain involved in their kids' lives, as they should. I can't imagine marrying someone whose child felt great animosity toward me.

You mentioned that you had relocated to the state well after their divorce - but did you know him previously? Which partner had the affair in his first marriage?

Lil Mia, sure wish my UH had been honest before he began a Physical A. I could have gotten over a kiss a lot better than the full blown A.
I think your H needs to sit down and talk, and appreciate you being honest. That it was the stress and the attention OM gave you felt good since there seems to be nothing but turmoil in your life now.
You said your H has an Adult daughter, obviously from another marriage before the one with 16 yr old son? This is his 3rd marriage?
You know he had children before you married. What type of relationship did you have before with them?
Really, this is his problem which most are going to say, NO it is both. But it is his place to demand his daughter show you respect, explaining to her you had nothing to do with his divorce, etc.
Now, how did H get custody of son to begin with?
It's unusual to give the father custody unless the mom can be proven unfit or she gives him custody.
Something in your dating relationship must have given you warnings of what was to come?
There are many books on stepparenting as well, So go find some of those.
Sit with his EX wife and talk about why all the problems?
She has no right to make your life miserable unless you were the OW in her divorce which you've stated is not the case. But does she know this? Is she certain of it?
Anyhow, if H is on his third marriage, there is something going on in him with not working out his marriage.
When children try to ruin a parents happiness out of selfish motives, it's time to allow them to grow up a bit by using tough love. Letting them know they can either be part of the family or take a hike. They are going to have their own relationships and won't be part of your life forever. So giving up happiness for them will only prove that dad will be alone when they decide to make their own lives.
Perhaps group counseling? Or dad can arrange to see daughter privately occasionally. But I wouldn't allow her to demand all his free time to interfere with your life.
Unfortunately, you not only married him, you married his baggage as well.
They weren't just going to disappear at the ceremony.
BTW, what is dad doing for the children? Is he still active in their lives, supportive, and giving financial support?
Could it be he never has funds for their needs, but he lavishes luxury items on you? Himself?
How as their style of living changed?
Many factors to be taken into consideration here.
Could it be dad has done things that make them feel he cares more about you than them?
What needs of theirs are not being met?
There is a lot missing here. It is not unusual to feel jealousy of dad's new wife, life, but unusual to be so nasty and hateful if no root problem exist.
Better examine all these things for perspective.
I seem to gather you are far younger than your H as well.
Anyhow, if you do decide to enter an A, kiss you marriage goodbye! At least kiss the love goodbye because it will change forever if you take that route.
If you're H has been through two marriages, at least one of them cheated! which one? Perhaps one of his wives?
I've put up with a lot of crap from my H in our 31 yrs of marriage. But I can tell you the way I loved him, nobody turned my head. I had offers, come ons, opportunities even after H cheated on me twice. I considered them an insult, not compliments! They knew I was married. Some of them were married. I felt like they were looking at me like a slut to be had for the asking. And you can bet your OM flirting is thinking same of you. He probably has heard your woes already?
Makes you a prime target in his book. So quit taking it as some ego boost and look at it in reality. You're a piece of meat to him!
LOuLou

Just J, Nellie 1, and NewBranch,

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate all the different views.

Just J, I'm doing what you have suggested. I'm keeping distance for now. H went to the court mandated mediation session. I'll get into that later. He really needed me, and I offered to hear his opinions when asked.

Nellie and NewBranch, My H has only been married once before me. These two children, the adult D (age 20) and the son (age 16.5) are both from same BM. H obtained custody of his son because BM wanted her D and wanted son to live with his father. She has exercised some poor judgements about their well being but that's the purpose of this court custody issue. Neither parent had affairs. They divorced over misuses of money (i.e., ex-wife did not work but had 15 Visas, MC's, Discover, etc, all of which were maxed out wtihout my husbands consent) By the time these were discovered due to companies calling him at work, the debt exceeded 35,000. H took a 2nd out on their home to pay off the debt, and 6 months later, his ex-wife did it again, this time to a total debt of $25,000. He felt betrayed by her lies and misuse of their finances and although they attended counseling and financial planning classes together, the marriage broke down.

The current custody issue at hand is my H seeking to obtain full legal custody of their son. They have 50/50 custody now, but he wants full legal. BM allowed their son to cross state lines and spend 3 nights with her new BF, a man she has merely know for 2 months, and met on the internet. She asked my H's opinion since it is in their custody orders to obtain consent from the other parent, but my H told her no, citing his reservations about son going on a couple of overnites in another state with a virtual stranger. BM lied to my H and allowed their son to go anyway.

There are other reasons, but this one was the straw that broke the camels back. The mediator advised BM that she committed a felony by allowing minor son to go across state lines with the internet boyfriend. H could have had this person arrested for kidnapping, but he didn't. She claims she didn't know such a stipulation existed in their divorce papers, and felt she knew this man well enough to allow the son to go with him.

Their son has now written a very short, 7 bullet point note that lists reasons why he wants to "live" with his mother. Most of which address his reasons are because he wants more freedom and less restrictions. He likes BM's home not having "rules", chores, etc.

Anyway, the end result is that this is not going to a court date, on Oct 6, where a judge will decide what is best for son. In the meantime, we all sit and wait, and stress some more.

Sorry this was so long. I'm very stressed over all of this.

Mia

^^bumping up for help^^

Thanks,

Mia