Thanks AM Martin and JL. I appreciate your help and insight. Your posts have encouraged me.

Tonight was interesting. I had the opportunity to talk to someone on the phone that both my DSs know, and my exH. They've done a lot of work for this lady-she's married by the way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She bragged to me about our sons and my exH, and I said, "Yes, they're all great people. I love them all." She then asked if we were divorced. (I think she was fishing, based on a conversation later on with exH) She said both she and her daughter couldn't understand how anyone could divorce my exH, as he is so nice. She then told me exH had told her, "Well, I guess I didn't do enough." I told her on the phone---how much I still loved my exH, and how the divorce was truly my fault and how stupid I'd been, and that he was a wonderful husband. I said too that someday I hoped and prayed we could reconcile. I also said that my exH was far too nice a person to say anything bad about me. She said, "Have you told him that you wish to reconcile?" I said, "Yes, and I'm hoping in time we can be together again." I've never met this woman, only spoken with her on the phone 1/2 dozen times the past year in regards to work my sons do for her.

When exH came by to bring back the boys I told him of this conversation with the woman.I believe in honesty, and told him. He turned red and laughed and looked rather delighted with the whole thing. He wasn't mad at all, said she always asked him what happened in marriage, etc. I told him what I'd told her,and that I took full blame for the marriage's failure. I told him too that I told her I loved him, and wanted to work things out. He didn't say much else about the conversation, but did look very 'lit up'. (It half made me wonder if he's attracted to this woman, but that's my worrisome side coming out again.) My exH said she knew that we were divorced. I asked him if perhaps she was 'fishing' for infor., and he said maybe as she's always curious as to what happened. She sees how 'great' my exH and kids are, and wonders why we split, I guess. ExH didn't seem mad that I said too much, etc. I just was honest with the woman, that I'd 'messed up'.

He left and we stood on the porch. He has plans tomorrow night with daughter. I said, "I haven't forgotten about our dinner together. Let me know when you're ready, I'll be waiting." Now, perhaps I shouldn't have said it that way. I should have said, "I'll be asking you about it again soon, to see when you want to go." I just don't want to pressure him too fiercely! I will ask him again next Sunday evening. Don't you think I should? I have to keep some sort of pressure on him it seems to me.

I'd baked something and he did accept my offer of taking that with him. AT times in the past he's refused.

I didn't cry at all, by the way. I kind of blindsided him with the dinner remark, he was walking away and not wanting to hang around much. I will tell him the next time I mention it that I don't want to talk about relationship at dinner...just have fun and laugh, etc.

I remember long ago when many here suggested I say things to other people about how great exH is. To me this was my opportunity tonight, and maybe it was a good thing. The lady who called did seem happy and I think she'll be the type to encourage him to work on a reconciliation. Either way, it felt good to praise him to someone who knows him and doesn't know me, really. It was good to tell her I loved him.

There was no chance to tell him I was afraid too, like he is afraid. Sons were nearby almost the whole time.

Thanks again for your support and ideas, everyone.

I think on the dinner invitation thing I need to memorize a script, what do you think?

Take care,
HP

Bumping this up in hopes that someone has a comment regarding last night's conversation I had on the phone w/ exH's friend , and talk with him--etc.

HP

H_P,

Why don't you tell us what this evening meant??? You know as well as we do.

Just remember that your exH is healing as well. What may have not worked even a few months ago, might well work now. ANd finally, didn't you tell your exH you loved him by telling him you told this friend that you loved him and wanted to reconcile??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are doing well H_P, but somebody in that outfit of yours has got to have some confidence and show it.

Sooner or later we're going to.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless

JL

Hi H_P,

It's rough to come home from a trip and find someone wanted a response and didn't get one yet.

As far as the phone call, I am not sure what you are looking for. I think you did a good job, but it is hard to know her motive without knowing anything about her. If she is the person you believe, she WILL support reconciliation. As far as Ex lighting up when you talked about your conversation - timing would be important there. Just exactly when in the conversation did he light up? It's hard to know after the fact, when you try and reconstruct things in your mind.

The way you relate it, he was happy about your saying you wanted to get back together. Maybe he wants to be chased. How was it when you first met? Did he do all the chasing? Did you do some of it, and did he like it?

As far as dinner, I am a plotter. I may say something every third time I saw him like:
"We'll have to get together for dinner sometime."
"One of these days we'll have to have dinner together."
:"I'm still thinking about getting together for dinner, hope you are too."
"Ok, see you later, and by the way, I keep forgetting to ask a good day for us to get together for dinner, maybe I'll remember sooner next time and we can talk about it."

I am sure you could come up with better statements based on what was said in the past, but you get the idea. Over time the idea will sink in, and it will not be "if" you are getting together, but when. Then you can just ask:
"We've been talking about getting together for dinner, will this Sunday work for you? Or - give me an alternate date if that's not a good day.

Notice the way this is worded his choices are Sunday, or naming another day. If he refuses to choose, you have data that tells you he's not ready, and to try again later. You have to act like it is no big deal, even though for you it will be very difficult emotionally if he says no. You have a lot invested in recovery, his reactions are very important to you. I missed that the first time around, please forgive me.

It would probably be good to spend some time in front of a mirror. The people in plays practice, and that outcome isn't nearly as important as yours is. I encourage you to practice, it WILL boost your confidence.

You need to practice both kinds of answers. If he says yes, setting a date will be easy, and try not to jump up and click your heels together. If he says no, practice responses: "Thanks for considering it, I know I have made it hard for you, and I don't blame you for being careful. Please think about it some more, OK?
These words don't really say much, except they convey your sorrow, and that you will try again later - pretty low key. Again, you can probably come up with something better, but I usually have ideas to pass along to illustrate one way to approach it.

Keep thinking positive, I think you will make it, we just wonder how long it will take. Don't try to do it all at once, it WILL take some time. OK?

SS

H_P,

SS's post triggered something you might want to consider. Many decades ago when I started dealing with the US Government and old and wise man told me something I have never forgotten.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never ask a question for which the simple answer is...NO. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think what SS is telling you, is to use that tactic. Ask questions in such away that a rejection is going to require thought, consideration, and reasons. While a yes, is much easier to provied. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Must go.

JL

Thanks SS and JL for replying. My first post here at MB was a year ago this past Monday. I feel I've really not gotten too far at all, but I have to be patient and understand that Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say.

I think in my mind's eye I pictured us reconciled long ago. This is so hard at times. I dislike my life without my H's love. Much of life has lost its meaning, without him to share it. The pain of divorce is far more than I ever imagined. When I think of it in those terms..that all this pain is because of the OM and that mess I made--it is very hard to accept, truly. But that's what it is. I'm not trying to have a pity party here, but I just hope that anyone who thinks of cheating can have more sense than I did.

Last week I said to him, "We never should have separated, or divorced. I should have gotten out of my mess, and worked on things right away. " He agreed with me. But then why doesn't he want to be with me now? I know the answer, I'm just thinking aloud here! It is so hard for him, and I understand that.

To the phone call the other night, with that friend of his:
As for timing SS -
We've talked about her before, and he's never looked all 'twitterpated' and lit up like that before. He turned red and laughed AFTER I told him that she'd said something about how could he be divorced and that I'd said I still loved him, etc. He kind of nodded, yeah, yeah..like he was thinking, "YEs, yes, I know how you feel."

Haven't seen him or spoken with him since that evening two days ago. I feel sad that we didn't go to dinner this week. I don't know why he threw the idea out there and mentioned this week, and never followed through EXCEPT that he just isn't ready.

At times I don't think he'll ever be ready. At times I think I'm trying to make him love me, and I'm just tired of it. Sorry to sound down, but that's the truth of it.

The only time I feel 'happy' and really 'alive' is when he's near me, and he doesn't feel the same way. I did this to my own life. Sorry to sound like I'm low here again, but it is still hard at times.

Back to reality!

JL,
You said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Just remember that your exH is healing as well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, I did tell my exH I loved him by telling him that's what I'd told his friend. I tell it to him directly quite often. Does telling someone else give it more credence, for him?

I do wish I had more confidence. I simply don't. Perhaps I'm an egotistical/vain woman, as someone here suggested. When he told me that he wasn't the least bit attracted to me, not in the slightest... that cut through to the bone. I am not just meaning my looks, but not attracted to me, the person. I know I hurt him in a million times worse way, so I just have to keep that in mind and how I made him feel! To cut off his emotions towards me was his way to survive.

A long time ago you told me not to ask a question where the answer could be 'yes' or 'no'. I liked that idea. ExH wasn't ready then. I guess I can begin that now. Thanks for reminding me!

Your help has been invaluable. Thanks!

SS,
I agree this woman's motivation is a little hard to know. I do hope she's as 'nice' as she sounds. I tend to be untrusting of women's motives. (Isn't that ironic?) I do think though in this case she is a genuine, caring person. I just don't know how it all came off to her, and what she'll say to him. So be it.

Maybe he does wish to be chased, who knows. He did the chasing when it came to being with me, although in some ways I was the more aggressive one in certain situations. Don't know if that makes sense or not. I do know that he likes to be 'chased', and be 'passive'...in some situations. At this point though he sees me as 'pressure'.

I like your plotter idea. I liked this one ... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Ok, see you later, and by the way, I keep forgetting to ask a good day for us to get together for dinner, maybe I'll remember sooner next time and we can talk about it."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This waiting and hemming and hawing is hard for me. I am not that type of person. I just get things done! Waiting is hard, hard, hard for me.
But, I will ask him/speak of the dinner again soon.

This I liked...in regards to asking him out: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to act like it is no big deal, even though for you it will be very difficult emotionally if he says no. You have a lot invested in recovery, his reactions are very important to you. I missed that the first time around, please forgive me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like the practice idea in front of a mirror. I'll have to, to take the rejection. I have to keep showing him my sorrow, of course.

It's late now. Thanks again for your help. It really has made me feel encouraged.

Forgive my down tone here and there tonight.

God bless,
HP

H_P,

What are we going to do with you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You don't think much has changed in a year??? H_P, you have no idea. The changes in your are remarkable, you just don't see them. We do. Gradually, over this year you have changed. You are starting to see things in a different light. You are starting to realize that your exH's responses are more about him now than you.

You are starting to become more aware of how to communicate with him. AND HE IS RESPONDING TO YOU.

Also he is healing, and it shows in his interactions with you. He is opening up little by little to you. He sounds a bit more comfortable around you. So many things.

This is NOT a time to be sad. It is a time to appreciate how much you have learned, grown, healed. Your time is coming H_P and so is your exH's. It is my deepest hope that when the time it right you two will see each other as you are NOW and realize how much you both have to offer each other.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL for your continued encouragement, wisdom, and HELP!

I'm glad you and others see the change in the past year, at times it's hard as I still don't have my husband back in my life as a partner.

Again, I know that patience is the important part. At times it's HARD to see all the forgiving betrayed spouses here at MB who so want a WS like me. At times it makes me wonder why my exH couldn't have 'fought' for the marriage, or want it now. Then I remember that's where he's at. He does admit now he should have 'fought' for it, but yet he still doesn't quite have the courage to come back yet. I am not giving up, it's just very lonely and sad at times.
You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You are starting to become more aware of how to communicate with him. AND HE IS RESPONDING TO YOU.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess you are correct, he is responding. Even though it's not QUITE the response I want, he is responding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
This is NOT a time to be sad. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're so very right. Things could be so much worse. He could have told me ~ 'GET LOST FOREVER, WOMAN!" He could have remarried by now. He could even have children with another woman by now, given the time frame of all this. The man hasn't dated anyone at all. He does have some walls! And he has said he's considering a reconciliation, although he has no attraction to me--he says. He must have something, or why would he even consider it?

Anyway, I'm off out of town now to visit some old friends.

Thanks again for your help and wisdom, JL, and to all the others here who've been so helpful and caring. I wish I'd found MB much sooner, but I'm glad I did find it finally!
From a very sunny location,
H_P