Have a great weekend 3!

I'm rootin' for a Browns win too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

3,

How are things going? Hope you are feeling calmer now. Hope your weekend was great.

Update please. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hey 3

Glad to read about your progress.

I know things will still be bumpy but maybe this has helped smoothed the road a bit for you.

They WON the BROWNS WON ! (thanks for the cheer TO4T )

Stunned - I feel that the road has gotten smoother , I like it when there are no BUMPS , but I am sure there are some left .

Miss M heres the update .

Weekend went very well , H and I got along well , it was a weekend filed with alittle of everything ,with an exception OW and LB'ing .

So with that said, kids had a good time , we stayed at the same hotel as the PLAYERS we didn't know some would be there , It was a dream for my H . We got court in the elevator with 6 players at one time , I never saw H so speachless in my life .

And about 3 more times in the course of the weekend . So it was great .

On the ride home after game we where supposed to sleep at my MIL but H changed his mind we drove straight home .

That ended up being for the best , on MONDAY we had some very upsatting news . One of our closest friends called to say her Dad passed away that morning .

This is one of the only 2 sets of friends H and I have like family I know her for over 20 years and her family and mine grew up together .

she was there for me every step of the way for the death of both my parents .

H was great he 2 is close with her H and was with her farther . He helped me take care of there 4 kids and went and did all the food shopping .

So that is what I will be doing the rest of the week , I went to wake last night and tonight then funeral on THURSDAY .

Very sad , and brought alot of everything up for me . Her dad died same as mine in house just like that , her younger sister is getting Married in 4 months ,MINE did to . She was the one who got the call to tell me to get home for both my parents and I was the call for her to tell me that she was going to hospital for her dad . I know so much of what she is feeling and wish so much I could explain to her that its something you will just have to go through .She is a wreck , and I know I was the same way . So I may not be checking in for a couple of days .

I would once again like to thank all of you here so much for all your support to help me get over what I hope was just a BUMP in recovery and knowing that if I have any more witch I guess is NORMAL then I will be back here venting again and asking for your wisdom .

3,

How are you doing? Sorry I haven't replied. More on this later.

Anyway, sorry to hear of all the grief, I know you helped your GF, as did your H. Yeahhhh!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Praying for your continuing recovery.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi MM ,Yes I will wait for an e-mail from you or response here on what up with ya .

Thanks for asking how I am , the death of my GF's farther is very difficult in so many ways . Many of course because I love her and her family deeply and know the pain that they are going through . Also it has opened a scab for me , loosinf both mine in the past few years and the death of my mom being around all the A crap . Healing and greiving really didn't take place 100%.

So enough of that said. Things aregoing ok .Noreal major update ,Just that SOMETHING I can'tput my finger on .

Something is just missing ,I can't explain it I don't know what it is . A spark, something .

Maybe its just taking the hole the slow that gets to me . I know he loves me , I just don't know if he is hiding weather he is in love with me . LIKE he is trying to FALL BACK IN LOVE , he says no , he says theres nothing wrong with me, us or the M .

He just wants things to come together on there own and feels when we are normal (no ow talk or A talk ) that things are great and he feels wonderful .

I really and truely pray that he is still in love with me and not TRYING to force that . I would never want to stay M if that would be the case .

It will be 2 years that he is home in FEB. I do see so many changes in this M , even while contact was still ongoing . the communication has been an amazing change , and him being more tentitive to the kids and me . Spending more time together alone and more opento his where abouts .

All very progresive things , but something , just something doesn't sit well this gut feeling of something he is holding back I can't explain it .

It seems to be the intamate part to me the affection , I mean he is and we are , but it just seems not to be like it was when we first feel in love .

All of that just doesn't add up tothe MAN I M .

A real feeling of WANTING me doesn't seem to be there .

I mean if you where looking from outside looking in you would see nothing but a man who loves his wife , he kisses me , holds me ,holds my hand while walking , but I don't feel it , I just don't FEEL that he FEELS that way .

I don't know if I am making sense at all , Itried explaining it to him and he says same thing .

I don't know why you feel that way I love you and I show you , why can't you just stop looking for a hiden meaning and let us be happy .

Oh well forget it , on another note we are on diets together and working out together just ordered the BOW-Flex .

Why do I feel like my world is going to come crashing down , like he will walk up to me one day soon and say I tryed and its not because of OW , I just can't feel for you its over . ??

LIke he is with me now to prove a point that he can end the M with a clear head and say now you or no one else can blame the A .

Got to go !

Any comments ?? Do Bs just feel scared of being hurt again ? is that whatI am feeling ?

3,

Just want to tell you that I love you and want to hear an update.

Hope all is well with you.

Shameless bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks for thinking of me! Notmuch to update I have had a couple of bad feelings thinking that they may be in contact . But there really is nothing there to support it .

I am starting to get a handle on it thinking that I am just scared to be hurt again that nothing is a garenty and that contact could start and that I could be lied to again .

We had a nice weekend , so theres no complaints . He did have some time to himself I was at a baby shower and kids where with friends he was working for his brother and finishe up early going home to shower and pick up kids .

I see that I am probbly more trusting then I give myself credit for . I just can't live with that up his [censored] type of thing .

I feel good about myself for being like that then I get scared that he could try and take advantage of that . Its my own demems I am fighting .

I am trying to rember what I told myself from the beging I made a choice to forgive him and have this M so I need to let this go and move on .

I told him along time ago I could do that , so now I need to do it . I need to move forward eveyday not I step forward 3 gaint backward .

I had (we had ) enough emotional crap in our life that I want happiness .

On another note H lost 12 lbs ME 6 (men are so lucky they loose it faster LOL )

So another day , just keep myself moving and telling myself if it is going to happen (contact) I will find out some how . In the mean time I love him and shows me he loves me , Not always my way but you can't MAKE some one do it your way that would be dening them the right to be themself.

Hope all Is well with ya . talk soon .

I made it through a D-day Oct. 25 (the day I called the OW !

Not bad . LOL maybe I am better then I think LOL

3,

Geez, you were all the way back on page 5. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Maybe this is good. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just wondering how you are doing.

Hope all is well, and that you are feeling more secure as each day goes by about NC. It is all good you know.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

HI Miss M , been thinking of you as well .

I don't know what to say as for an update , I am coming along , I've been doing alot of reading I guess all that I go through is very normal in stages of recovery .

Yes the N/C is I guess still in order . I mean I have no proff to say other wise . Theres still that gut feeling that there is contact . Nothing that he is showing .

OK I will confess I have been hanging out at the TOW board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know I shouldn't but to here about all the MM that after d-day do it again and that they contact OW and just get better at the sneacking and pretending to be in recovery at home ,,, scares the reality into me that it CAN VERY WELL HAPPEN TO ME !!!

I do know theres nothing I can do about that , really I do , I mean I am being more calm not ACCUSING him of anything , and he has seemed to step things up with me alot after a long talk (3 hrs) a week ago .

It was a hypothtical convo that turned real about his feelings for her and how he felt about me when his A started .

It was a very deep convo . VERY ! For the most part with out giving all the details I should have walked away with , wow he really has learned to communicate .

And I did but something there that still gives me the weird feeling that I don't really know if he loves me for ME , or if he turned into this manipulating lier.

And I know thats not fair , before this A there was nothing that gave me reasons to ever ever dought his love for me or anything else . So how could I be thinking that this one lie can turn someone into a monster ?

I want so much in me to be a 100% that this was just a HUGE MISTAKE in his life . I am 98% there .

Then theres that nagging feeling . Ya know ? does this make sense ?

He is even become more playful with me , and back to his very wonderful sense of humor ,

I feel like its me , I am holding back on self recovery , in case I get hit with the bomb of false M recovery Make any sense ? I don't know how to explain it .

I really do step back and it is me . Anyway I will post more in a couple of days matbe get more thoughts for explaining it more clear .

I do belive it like a mid life crises of my own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Age is kicking in I see my face changing , my body , alot of things . I don't want any more time to pass me by .

I can't help but feel like sometimes why did I let him back ? why didn't I stick to that famous line my feinds say " IF MY H CHEATS HES GONE FINISHED OVER "

Then I listen to the OW on TOW and how MM make the W out to be , and then some that say who cares if H goes back to W they always come crawling back to OW in time . And alot of the OW who say they only go home after D-Day cause they are scared , kids, money ect. BUT never for the love of there W cause if they loved or respected them they wouldn't have cheated .

I know don't go to TOW . but I feel the need to face a reality that this is out there forever .

Ok I am rambling . any one thoughts ?

3,

Glad to hear your update.

Is TOW site helping you? Does it make you feel healthy? Does going there make you feel like you are doing the best thing for your marriage/family? Is it helping you? Does it make you feel positive? Or, is going there keeping your feelings of distrust in high gear?

You will never understand ow. You don't want to understand ow. Two different animals. One is SELFISH, the other wants to heal.

Do you want to heal 3? Or do you want to keep this all goin' on?

Marriage Builders will give you a lot more support than TOW.

The A wasn't all about you and where you were lacking. It was about H and it was a SELFISH choice. It was not about you or ow. It is all about your H.

Sounds like your H has had several 'epiphany's'. He is coming along great. Glad to see H is getting his sense of humor back. This is good news. And the heart to heart talks. So many positive things that you can focus on!!!

So laugh 3. You can't see the future, but you can cherish the here and now, and it sounds like your H wants to be there, with you. H is loving you now. Keep up the good work,

Cherish the moments, and thank God you have him back, which is what you wanted.

Prayers for you and yours, as always.

Move forward, and accept the things you cannot change, and be glad that God has answered your prayers. Keep learning, remember what you have learned, it's all good.

Stop the bad. You are worthy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

bump^

Anyone have advice?

Love in Christ,
Miss M