Hi TMD,
"She said she called because she missed me. Skeptical as I am in that regard... I waited... then she paused and said that that was sad... because "that man is gone for good".I know this feeling. It sucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
As a BW, you grieve the man you THOUGHT your H was, and you grieve the woman you USED to be. (See, back to my insistence that neither of you are the same person you were pre-A?)
But on the flip side, once you get a little further down "recovery road", you realize that being someone new can be a GOOD THING. It gives you all kinds of possibilities to throw out the bad parts of your relationship and replace them with new, improved, parts. Don't miss these opportunities when they arise TMD, they are HUGE.
Can't tell you how many times my H and I have said, "Ya know, I never really liked it when we...." and we would talk about what we could do to change it or replace it with something better.
You may not be that far yet, but if you see one of these opportunities, please act on it. If you hold back for too long, most likely you won't do it at all and the chance is gone as you fall back into old patterns.
"This past week has been a great strain for me and I ackowledged to her that for her the pain is many times greater than my own and I also acknowledged that though that is likely very true that the thought was inconceivable to me."Good for you. So many BS's recovery is stagnated because they don't feel that their WS "hears" them or understands the depth of the pain inflicted. It took my H almost a full year to realize how many ways his A affected me. It's not as simple as it may look on the surface.
"she joked about the possibility of kneeing me in the groin then said she wouldn't actually do that to me.... she didn't think...Sounds like me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Comfortable enough to laugh with you, but man, if you p*ss me off again, you'll be in pain!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My sense of humor was my saving grace. It kept me sane in the most insane moments. Hang onto yours, you're gonna KNEED it! (Sorry, couldn't resist)
"anyway... it is what it is... right now as I type this... I feel kinda sick to my stomach... an emotional sick... There is still so much power on the other side of this thing."The sickness is BECAUSE you think of the "other side" of this. There is no POWER over there TMD. YOU have the power within you to get off this crazy ride and stop the sickness. If you choose to continue the ride (heaven forbid), please remember to use your barf bag.... it will only get worse from here.
"It was my best friend from childhood all the way through HS. She was there through the early days with the OW... I told her everything early on all these years later..."Just curious... how's your W feel about this friend? Has she always been ok with you having a close woman friend? Again, just curious - most women I know (myself included) would be leery of that.
"I explained to her how the separation from OW now feels like I'm being forced to saw my own arm off with a hand saw. Her immediate response was... "yeah but if you don't saw it off, the gangreene will kill you anyway." "Hmmn..." I said.. "Yeah... that's true."Very good... and this way you only loose an arm, not your LIFE. You may miss the arm and think of it from time to time, but you learn to do without it, right? And BOY does that good arm become more important to you!
"The truth is... I feel dishonest in trying with my W. I actually feel guilt in trying with her when I have such strong feelings elsewhere. It's like no matter what I do now... even when I know it's right... I can't escape guilt. It's really f*d up. I hate it.
I don't think I should share that with my wife... do you?"Don't share it with her - you don't need to speak every feeling you have about the OW in order to be living honestly with your W. If she had to hear every thought you had, she'd go crazy.
I'm sure she's very aware that you are still struggling with your feelings, but she doesn't need to hear it constantly. Please don't do that to her. If she wants/needs to hear it, she will ask. Just be honest when she does.
"I'm not sure how to accomplish that specifically... that is another unknown to me that is frustrating... my counselor says I need to not require a blueprint... take it one step at a time... OK.."Just be willing to "wing it" for awhile, TMD.
After d-day, I cleared everything off my schedule that wasn't absolutely necessary. Give yourself lots of time and don't try to second-guess or "plan" how things will go.
"uggh... I've had better days."Understandable...
keep talking,
keep taking your meds,
and work on your dancing skills... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
.. better days will come....
From ARK's post:
"wife (she) thinks you are scum...
you might as well act as thus..."Please don't do this to her. Act like the respectable man and husband that she expects you to be and that I assume you want to be again. Don't make her "rescue" you from yourself.
"If you see the OW again...it would be kinder of you to never go home again..."Ditto.
But - don't let this be your "easy way out" when you feel recovery is too hard.
If you must go from your M, then go.
But don't use the OW to get out.
"but feel like finding some Steeley Dan and listening to My Old School..."Love that one, ARK... good call for a mellow Friday night... gonna go put that one on... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
"I manage to be quite upbeat when I get home though. Life is just weird right now. weird."Good, upbeat and positive is very good.
Weird can be good too...
"You say this as if it were a thing I could control."You still resist this, but you DO have more control than you think, TMD. You had the control to let this OW into your life, you DO have the control to get her OUT of it.
"No. But she asks what I write here. I tell her. With the exception of my most recent concern over checking my VM."There - an example of protecting her feelings from unecessary pain. She doesn't need to know you checked your voicemail, but she DOES need to know if there was a message from OW. That is the ONLY way - no more secrets.
"Neither of us wanted to attempt a life together under the shadow of an affair. Ever.
So though I understand your purpose in posting this, I've never been so far gone as to assume anything other than the pain that such a 'reality' would bring."This is something I didn't pick up on in your prior posts....
So, if you have accepted that it would never work, why are you struggling so much?
"I believe fully that as my feeling for my W returns, there will be an equal diminished feeling for the OW."Wow - total opposite of your previous "bucket" analogy. Progress has been made. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
"The reality is that this will take time... and I'm not going back to the way it was. Neither is my wife. We either find a path that is acceptable to both of us, or we're done."Don't expect a clear path to be found.
Be willing to get out the machete and hack down the bushes to blaze yourselves a new path.
"My W requires that in order to be able to begin to commit herself to trying with me she needs me to be able to convince her that not only do I NOT love the OW... But that I never did love the OW... Ever..."Ok, I totally agree with her first requirement, but the second just isn't realistic. How can she expect that history be re-written? Your love for OW started before W was in your life - she can't seriously expect your to forget it? I think she is asking for too much.
I accept and respect that my H's OW had a place in his life... long ago. She does NOT have a place in OUR lives now, nor at any time in the future.
"It is apparently very easy for some of you to make that leap for me. Maybe that's from experience... maybe it's from a desire to eleviate my W's pain more quickly... I respect all that... I'm working on it."I'm not leaping TMD. Not an inch.
Don't lie to your W.
Pain falsely allieviated with a lie is only post-poned and destined to return even stronger.
"But honestly... So I turn my back to the ocean and never look back, swearing to my W who is facing me that the ocean doesn't exist and never has?"No, not exactly...
It means you turn your back on the ocean...
you don't even dare to dip a toe in anymore...
you don't listen to it's sounds in a shell...
and you most importantly....
YOU DON'T COME HOME DRIPPING WET, SMELLING OF SALT WATER WITH SAND ALL OVER YOU!!
Ok, now I'm just feeling silly... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I'd better go.
Good Night,
Shelle
