</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:
<strong>Not that it matters but I do post on TOW alot, of course not under DG but even they tell me to stop what I'm doing. It's not like they're all over ther giving me high fives and saying " You go girl!". Noone in particular actually said MB'ers were harsh but they have seen some pretty nasty posts over here about them or their children and shared with us and based on that, that's where I came up with my opinions. Trolls exist everywhere but I can assure I am not one.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Well DG, it does matter because now we can see where your thought pattern comes from. Now while you say no one on the TOW board is giving you the high 5, what are they giving you? Comfort and support of the A?

See what many a OW consider 'harsh' MB talk is actually reality.... the truth and real life. You can not water it down. It either is or not. No middle ground here. You are either married or not. In an A or not.

Do you see from your 10/1 post: "I've heard that you folks are pretty harsh here and now I see why." is now being restated as: [i]"Noone in particular actually said MB'ers were harsh but they have seen some pretty nasty posts over here about them or their children and shared with us and based on that, that's where I came up with my opinions."[i]

If this was not questioned, maybe we would not have known this was only your opinion and not based on an actual statement. Just a thought, many in the A speak in such vague like terms. I have learned both dealing with this A and in other facets of my life, not to 'assume' on a thought. Especially in the A, statements and innuendos flourish and the BS is often setup or baited with such statements.

This was not meant to pick on you but now that you are aware you have this tendency, becareful. Try to present things as they are. The fog has a crazy way of making people think they are sane and stable. Yet the picture being seen by the rest of the world is of one in the fog and in many cases highly unstable. For some they even take on an alien like character. No joke!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:
<strong>I'm just having a really hard time realizing what everyone is saying is right. It's really hard when he gets right in my face. Like at our house party we had Saturday. He followed me in a bedroon, shut the door and grabbed me and kissed me like I've never been kissed before. I give in. I am weak! I want to realize this is wrong and be strong enough to enforce it but it's hard. I know in time it will happen so I hope everyone will bear with me until then.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Hard to realize, eh? I can understand but don't sympathize. As long as those feelings of eurphoria are allowed to grow, you are not going to acknowledge a reason to stop even if it hit you square in the face. Think of it as the emperor's new clothes story.

Right now even that awful thought won't be enough to stop you. I recall my H having those same thoughts. As much as he knew he hated what the A was doing to him and the fact that he saw what a bad influence the OW was having on him, he felt drawn to her in the most unnatural way.

A famous writer spoke if it as a 'man being drawn to the slaughter' yet he could not resist.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:
<strong>Something real bad may have to happen to make me realize something needs to change.

Sooner or later I'll wake up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Recognition puts you ahead of most but still it is not enough if you don't do something about it.

I guess the question is how much are you willing to lose before you will fix it?

Thanks for responding, I am sure this is hard.

L.

Diamond g'

six pages here of people reaching out to you...not because we "don't like you"...(OK some aren't supportive in the way you want...but know that surrounding ourselves with others that only support our bad choices does not serve us well)

So six pages of people pouring their thoughts, and sharing with you the reality of their pain...and the pain you stand to cause to everyone involved...om, bs, self

and each response you say you can't stop or change....which really translate to won't

But each day you move yourself deeper and deeper into this...
there is great disrepect to the value of your husband the OM and yourself in these actions...

and again you say you know this...BUT....

and you are right....none of our advice is easy...
we don't think it's easy to say or do...
and none of this has to do with liking you or not liking you....

but you have chosen over and over again (and will probably choose today)...to do nothing different...

so my question is why are still here...and what more do you want from us...
and why should people keep posting to you..only to have you say
you are right...but...

It's not a defensive question or an attack diamond g...it's an honest question or perhaps achallenge...
search that in you and see where you see yourself next month...at the holidays....new year, spring...what is in store for your life...

life is moving at lightning speed for all us...
each day matters and defines us...

ARK

byeyy

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 02:24 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm just going to make this week our last week </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To make it a little bit easier for you, think about what you said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night he was being kinda mean to his GF in front of me. She tried to kiss him and he actually backed away from her saying how he felt sick! He talks mean to her when I'm there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you'll be walking in her shoes sooner rather than later if you continue compromise. This is who he really is........ a jerk. Good luck to you!

ay ay ay.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

you speak as if you have lost your god given ability to make choices. you have not. you do have choices. continuing with om is a choice. saving your marriage is a choice. finding happiness is a choice. playing the victim is a choice.

please, participate in your own life.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

DG-

I see your posting here as a cry for help. Please forgive me for my bluntness, but I certainly have been in your shoes and I understand exactly where you are.

I know that right now, you have a lot of anger and pain inside of you. I also know how being with the OM makes you feel.

I also understand why you feel like it would take something pretty drastic and devastating in order for you to give this A up.

DG-

I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you how to feel. I can only tell you that I know that you want out of this madness that you've created. I know that you desperately want your H to hear your cries and see your pain. I also know how afraid you are to give up the only happiness that you feel.

I lost everything due to my choices. In my fog, I walked away from my home, my kids, my life, and my best friend. I did this because I was so lost and empty inside. That devastation that you mentioned actually happened to me. I can tell you, it isn't a fun place to have to crawl your way back to life.

I'm here to talk if you want. I won't force my story on you. If you want to know though, I will share. I promise, I can help you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:
<strong>H and I went to visit OM last night.....I'm off of work Friday and we had plans for us to be together all day that day. He wants us to rent a room for the weekend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so sad for me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It makes me remember the constant chaos, confusion and pain that WAS my life while I was continuing my A.

DG, you are making choices every day that WILL affect who you become.

Do you really want to continue to be the person you are right now?

Lori

Sorry I just had to reply to Whippit - I use to be as judgemental and self righteous as you - before I allowed myself to get into this mess. I'm glad for YOU that you can't relate to me and I hope you never are able to. For those that CAN relate, I appreciate your offers for help. Trust me, I will be holding you to your offers, hopefully sooner than later.

Whippit I might make a statement of yours to a drug addict because I can't relate to being a drug addict, well maybe now I almost can but in the past I couldn't relate. I hope to be strong enough to do what is right soon.

What seems so simple to you and others unfortunately is not so simple to me and others like me. Why do you think there is usually multiple D-days for a MM/MW?

DG -- I'm sure whippit means well, though it sounds harsh.

The plain fact is, as 2ofaKind has often said: It's simple, but it's not easy.

What is perceived as harsh and judgmental is pointing to the fact that what you must do -- sooner or later -- is face the simplicity, and hardness, of your decision to end the A.

My bet is that you will never be able to do it in person. A no-contact letter must be sent to the OM. Many here can give you advice how to do that. On the MB site, the Harleys give advice about how to do that.

DG-

Email me if you get a chance please.

DG:

I'm sorry that you continue 2 ignore my previous posts 2 you. I think I had a 20-20 perspective on your H's apparent uncaring atti2de that might help you, but you can't or won't make the effort 2 see it.

"I had to go to bed early just to avoid H because he's noticeing that I'm acting different. I can't hide it. I start to think how heartwrenching it will be to stop being with OM. There's no way I can tell husband. Not now. "

My prediction: If your H doesn't know you're having an A with this "friend", he is about 2 figure it out. It would be far less traumatic for all involved if you told him NOW. You should have told him in front of OM and OM's GF.

I feel very sorry for you, DG. Things are going 2 get real ugly real soon.

♥2long

i'm not being judgemental and self righteous. you have laid the facts in front of us all here -- i just responded to what i read and the message isn't any different than what others have also given you.

i have many mistakes in my past -- i was a lousy husband who made life very unpleasant for everyone around me ... and after several years of "silent screaming" my wife chose to have an affair. human behavior at it's most predictable.

(and i never said i didn't relate to you. in fact, i relate to you very well. there are many ways we fall into the wrong thinking trap ... i fell into mine after a layoff.)

when i learned how serious things had become -- to the point my marriage was a whisper away from complete collapse -- i decided that the change had to begin with me. why not make your change begin with you? i know it's not easy -- it wasn't for me, either. but it is simple (and there IS a difference between easy and simple).

the turning point for me was realizing that my marriage does not define me. i define my marriage. i have influence on much of what happens to me and i cannot understand why someone, as a thinking and reasoning creature, would choose to let life happen to them. i played that game too long and it got me in a mess i'd rather not re-live or wish upon anyone.

i don't stand in judgement of you at all. you're a human being, capable of making mistakes. and one capable of making things right. i've heard the exact same things you've said, but from my wife's lips. i am forgiving her. she is forgiving me. and we're moving forward.

to stand in judgement of you is to also stand in judgement of my wife -- to whom i am still married ... whom i still love very much ... with whom i look forward to living a long, happy life.

my marriage has come back from the grave because just one of us chose to bring it back. we have a long way to go still. but it's far from dead.

you also have that choice.

my heart breaks every day here because there's more people who come. at the same time i am thrilled because mb has worked so well for so many people and because i have hope that they will learn -- as i have -- to save their marriages, too.

you have an awesome opportunity. just, please, do not waste it.

and, lastly, i do ask your forgiveness, as i know that i can dispense with the softpedal sometimes. (okay ... most of the time.) and i know it's not what everyone responds to -- so i will try to be more aware when i respond.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

(edit cleaned up a mistake or two and added the third graf)

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Kily check your email.

DG

sorry ... i'm dumb and double posted.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

DG,

I am posting a link to Chocolate Addict's original threads from the recovery board....Believe it or not, when she arrived here at MB, she was only one step further than you. And I think you are getting about to where she was....

Chocolate Addict's original thread
Chocolate addict's second thread

Please take the time to read through her posts and the responses. I know you don't want things with OM to end. I understand that....BUT (and big but there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) they inevitably will. Either you will get caught, you will feel guilty and confess, or you will end it on your own, carry the weight of that elephant on your shoulders, and never be able to take the appropriate steps to "fix" your M.

I am also going to paste a response to CA that I wrote her about finding the strength to confess. Keep posting, DG....something keeps bringing you back....did you notice? Same thing happened to me when I first arrived here. I had not yet told my H, but my A had ended, and I wanted to reconcile. MB helped me really see things for what they were. And I did confess to my H. I won't lie and say things are peachy now....because they truthfully are not. But I have a lot more pride in myself, and am learning so much about human nature, love, and the covenant of marriage than ever before.

I now have true hope that if my H and I can work it out, then we will have a wonderful M. If not, I am now better prepared for what not to do in my future R's and how to avoid the same mistakes I made in this M. It's a win-win situation. As opposed to the lose-lose feeling of the A.

Just something to think about.....

Originally posted by LIT to CA:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hi CA. I am a FWW who had an emotional and physical affair for 4 months. I found this site just as I had ended my A and right before I confessed to my H. Someone (I think Way2) posted that once you start to get healthy, the guilt will eat you alive. I can attest to that. As I was beginning to emerge from my "fog" (aka my poor unhealthy judgement), I couldn't live the lies anymore. I needed my M to be better.

But I was scared to death. Scared to tell my H. Scared he would leave me. Scared to admit to myself that I had become "that person."

But I also knew what was right.

I did not think I could muster enough strength to be truthful to my H. So I kept telling myself it was only 4 words - "I had an affair." If I could get those 4 words out, there would be no turning back......

You said you found this site looking for information on how to end your affair.....Tell your H. Show him you had enough respect for him to be honest with him. Show yourself that you have enough respect left for yourself and to live a life you can be proud of.

4 words: I had an affair

If you click on the sunglasses by my name, you can look at my thread "No Turning Back" - it talks about how I told my H, and the aftermath that followed. It's a bumpy road, but you both need a different M. The one you are in is clearly not working for you. You know what's right. Just remember 4 words.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feel free to also do a search under my member number for my posts. They outline mine and my H's journey down recovery after my confession...Ours has not been an easy path....None really are. But think of the people that are worth it - You (yes, you are worth it) - your H (yes, even he after his A is still worth it) - your family (the love and bond of a family unit).

You already know what's right. You are just looking right now for an easy way out. There is no easy way, my dear. I'm sorry to say that, but there isn't. But there is a right way.....

Good luck, and happy reading! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I swear, if I can just get this DSL to quit double posting!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: lost in tx ]</small>

DG - Suggestion : Sit down and think up a plan for where you would like your life to be in a year (Happily married or happily divorced) and work backward to what it will take to get there, put dates on it....

Is continuing the affair and not revealing it part of the plan?

if no, go read up on Choc-addict like LIT suggested. All 3 of us are former WS's mind you - all 3 of us are bigtime in favor of being honest and trying to fix things and frankly? I think all 3 of us are suffering a lot less than you are.

2.

DG... what these folks are saying is nothing compared to what it will be like to see the pain and tears in your H's eyes. What you both will go through ahead, is something I don't think you can avoid. Although, things could and would get better, you never know what he'll ultimately decide. And your right, it is hard, as a former WS myself; the EA consumed me, I was torn like you, I did and didn't want to do the right thing, until I was forced. By then, I was sick emotionally and getting there physically...Funny thing is, I always thought I had it under control... Your right on about addiction too... One other thing? Any man who tangos with another's right under his nose is not to be trusted, be careful, this whole thing could turn and backfire....... everyday you stay involved, it gets riskier and riskier...count your chips and cash them in while you still have a chance and soon before its too late. You could wind up the one hurt....

Just my .02....

mj

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

Miss J - I can assure you my H would not feel any pain nor shed any tears.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 02:26 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

Then do it already.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to keep lying since you are sure he won't shed a tear. It honestly sounds to me like he's having an affair himself.

If you're going to leave him...then do it. And tell him the truth.