[qb]FAMILY OF ORIGIN ISSUES: Just prior to the beginning of the A about 2 years ago, my H's parents stopped speaking to him. He's never been clear with me why this occurred. I think this is an important issue. I even recently asked him why doesn't he get angry with them about how they have treated him. He does have TWO BROTHERS who his mother seems to favor. They live in the same town as she does and she caters to them, fixing them special meals, etc. They have a playful relationship with her whereas she has not even called my H in about 4 years now. You see, he does not have a relationship at all with his M and has never seemed to be that close to her. We waited several years in our marriage before having children and before that time I did use to "baby" my H a lot which he still loves. I did stop doing this when our son was born.[qb]

It seems to me that your H is transferring some of his family issues onto your family. My guess is that your H always felt ignored by his mother and the attention was given to his brothers instead. You don't mention his birth position so I don't know if he once was "babied" by his mother and lost this when two younger sibs came along OR whether he never had it.

So he marries you and is able to bask in your affection and attention, getting babied by you- didn't get it from his mother but now he gets it from his wife. Then along come not 2 brothers but 2 sons--- and he loses your attention and affection to them.

The anger he feels towards your sons in a way could be an expression of the pain and rage he feels towards his own brothers who receive the motherly care and love that he should have a part of.

Mimi- I think it is really important that you understand this!!! What is happening with the communication here? Your H has been estranged from his family for 4 years and you don't know why? What is your relationship with your inlaws like? What about your kids' relationship with their grandparents? I am sure that no matter what your H says there is a part of him that is hurting deeply over this deep down.

The timing of the A seems significant. In a sense your H cut all his ties at that time- with his parents and with you. I don't know if his parents rejected him and he rejected you out of anger at his mother or whether he simply decided to reject all of you as he embarked on the A. He picked a surrogate to give him an all accepting mother love. I think the ultimate problem is that it came too easily. OW was too much of a doormat. Your H has always had to struggle to get that love. He's not used to having it thrown at him a la OW- it felt good at first no doubt and then it would become uncomfortable.

This is hard to explain but I suspect your H entered into a conspiracy with you to somehow recreate the situation of his childhood. His childhood wounds, in his mind, will be healed when he battles two opponents--- brothers, sons- for his mother's/your love and WINS. Problem with OW in the end was there was no battle.The unconditional love from OW probably seemed fabulous at first... but deep down your H recognized it was sick. Also there is no victory when someone hands themselves to you on a platter.

Your challenge is to help your H frame all these issues in a different way. To talk about his childhood pain. To learn that you are his partner and you are there-- he does not have to battle with your sons for your love. You have enough love for everybody. To grow as a partner and a parent- to stop seeing his sons as his rivals but as his legacy.

Just talking about some of this stuff could be very helpful but it has to be done delicately.

just some thoughts.....