I have questions for anyone who can help me.

when do I know that a child is having behavior issues due to internal influences?

when do I know that a child is having behavior issues due to external influences?

My live in step daughter (6 yrs old) is going thru a phase ( a three year phase) I am very concerned for her. When talking to her about unwanted behavior, she has a tendency to wander off mentally. It is very apparent in her eyes. Also, when asked to re-iterate the expected behavior and/or when asked to explain when her behavior is/was undesirable, she seems to have no idea. The unwanted behaviors are ones that I have been trying to guide her past for nearly three years.

I do know that much of her unwanted behavior is due to her "liking to do what she wants to do". But, I do NOT understand why the unwanted behaviors and the desirable behaviors seem so not understood by her.

Just for the record, THE unwanted behaviors:
*lying, little white lies to great big obvious whoopers.
*soiling her pants when adults up the notch on trying to stop the unwanted behaviors.
*personal hygiene issues, washing hands w/ soap after toileting, washing face w/ soap after meals(she breaks out in rashes around her mouth if she does not), wiping after every toilet, etc. table manners
*draggering feet, dawdling when entire situation revolves around promtness.
*sneakyness, ei, hiding soiled panties, hitting or shoving or taking toys from baby bro when adult backs are turned. lots of other sneakiness.
*having to be reminded time and time again about her job as a child ie, following directions, listeniing, paying attention, respect to all adults.

Most of these are daily issues.

I know,
it sounds as though I am a drill sargeant.

I have tried reasoning
I have tried timeouts w/ asking her after why she had a time out.
I have tried taking away privaleges.
W/ her father's consent, I have tried spanking w/ the lying.
I have tried the chart thing. w/ rewards for 5 days w/ NO checks (each day had 5 checks for unwanted behavior. this method was used in her K class. 5 checks was supposed to mean that her father would intervien, but he would NOT)
I have tried off to bed as soon as the unwanted behavior transpired.
I have asked her father over and over to spend QUALITY time w/ her and get to know her (in his mind quality time includes TV, movies and little else.)

I am at my whits end.
I am very concerned for SD.
I am very concerned w/ SD and her father's future relationship.
I am very concerned for her babybrother, and the inbalances exhibited. His father feels NO qualms about repremanding him for unwanted 2 yr old behavior, which is OKAY behavior from dad, but will NOT repremand SD. HE will NOT even raise his voice.

HELP

Well have you looked into the possibility that she is Attention Defecit?

My son is 6 and ADHD (attention defecit and hyperactive) and when he is off his meds he displays much of what you wrote about.

Especially the part where their eyes wander off when you are trying to talk to them.

In AD the child is already past the real time event you are trying to talk to them about. They aren't ignoring they have already moved on to the next subject so you can't keep their attention.

I get on my knees I level with my son and tell him "look into my eyes". I then hold his face looking right at me with one and use the other hand to direct his eyes to my eyes....and still he sometimes wonders even when medicated.

If your D is AD or ADHD then its not a case of them being unwilling to listen and behave its more a case of them not being able to listen and behave.

Adderall XR is what my son is on but there are other meds like Adderall that aren't as powerful as Retlin and there are some new products that aren't even stimulants that are just coming out for AD and ADHD kids.

Stunned, dear, Thank you for replying.
YES I have concidered this.
BUT
great big BUT
I am trying desparately to "team-parent", "co-parent" w/ a father who has a difficult time when I even mention that her shoes are untied.
Heaven forbid SD is not "perfect".

I used to work w/ Bevahioral Modification, pre-K thru grade 12.
This is NOT new to me.
I am feeling a want/need for getting MY head thru any fog I may have accumulated over the past three years.

Daddy started out believing that any and all of my behavior toward SD was HATE for her.

Daddy and I have come along way, but, the longer anything is put off, the harder it will be for SD.

I have FINALLY brooched the subject w/ her teacher.
Great big brave thing on my part as Daddy doesn't like for anyone to know that our family is not "perfect".
AND, I am the step-mother, I do not have many rights w/o Daddy's consent, except to somehow get the teacher to look closer at SD and have her bring it up to Daddy.

BTW, I have also concidered petite-mals.

I read a great book that helped me when my son was going thru some problems. Unfortunately, I loaned it to a friend who never returned it and I can't remember the title. One of the basic principals was to spend 20-30 minutes of one-on-one time with the child for 3-5 days a week. Just playtime of the child's choosing. Cannot be watching tv or passive time. Must be interactive play and the parent cannot guide where it goes. (My son prefers Legos) Parent must give honest praise for whatever the child does well and never criticize. It helped me deal with my son quite a bit when he was in turmoil over my H's deployments with the military. This time cannot be used as a reward or taken away as a punishment.

It was pretty impressive to watch the changes in my son's behavior after about two weeks on this. He trusted and respected me much more. I was working full-time and really looked forward to our nightly playtime after a while.

Try to talk her father into doing this. The author of the book made an excellent point that many parents complained that they couldn't set aside that much time every week for their child. He suggested that if you can't find that much time, you should give the child up for adoption because you aren't capable of parenting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AND, I am the step-mother, I do not have many rights w/o Daddy's consent, except to somehow get the teacher to look closer at SD and have her bring it up to Daddy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know its not my place but if you two are life partners then his daughter is not just part of his life but yours as well.

And to be blunt women as a rule (not always) have better parenting instincts than men.

You should be included in her life as much as you are included in any other marital item.

I do understand the step parent concept. I am forty plus and many of my long time buddies are sted dads and they are very fustrated by being excluded in parenting decisions.

But this is a potential source of marital stress for both of you so I think you should meet head on together as husband and wife regardless of the fact you are not the biological mother.

And Hyp

I know its easy for me to say that not being directly involved and safely hidden behind a computer screen.

But I will tell you it caused at least on of my buddies to divorce (step parenting issues). In his case the kids became rebellious teenagers that defied him and the biological mother handicuffed him when it came to discipline.

And I mean seriously handicuffed him. And I don't mean not allowing corporal punishment but not allowing any punishment. Including taking the keys away on the car he was helping to pay for when the step son continually violated curfew.

I just think if you can approach this issue before it becomes a major love buster you both will be better off for it in the long run.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dobie:
<strong>

Try to talk her father into doing this. The author of the book made an excellent point that many parents complained that they couldn't set aside that much time every week for their child. He suggested that if you can't find that much time, you should give the child up for adoption because you aren't capable of parenting. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dobie,
That last statement got a chuckle out of me. My feelings exactly.
But......
I have suggested to Daddy that he take over the bedtime Bible reading and stiry reading along w/ the rpayers. HE would prefer to watch the news and NOTHING interup[ts the evening newsd, even though it is on again at 11 p.m. and CNN is a good sourse.

Ya know Stunned,
I am just about ready to pack BabyLove up and leave.
I am here today (and w/ the same question up in EN) trying desparately to calm down, get back into perspective, feel hope.

You are a dear,
I am still a big fan of your Stunned.
And you know I have toleratted alot in this marriage.

heavy sigh.
xo
h

See you all when they turn us back on, and thank you
xo
h.

BTW,
Daddy is more than willing to discuse and explore my suspisions that babyLove has a bit of the hyperactivity end of ADHD.
We have already come up w/ a mutually aggreed apon game plan for when he reaches school age.

go figure.

I was with Dobie right up until she said, try to talk her father into doing this.

Years ago I had a neighbor who worked in a children's home while he studied for a degree in Behavioral Psychology. He learned at the children's home that behavioral methods work great - as long as the kids were convinced he loved them. They didn't do squat otherwise.

Since you seem to be the primary disciplinarian, YOU are the one who needs to do the one-on-one time. The child needs to believe that you care for her. It may not solve all the problems but it should motivate her to try harder, and help sort out which ones she has control over.

Excellent point, smidgen! Ideally, her father would be happy do to it. But as long as it's someone who cares, I think she'll benefit.

Oh gosh,
the quality one-on-one time I spend w/ SD.
Shall I put together a list for you?

no no
not insulted,
not offended w/ the sugggestions
just frustrated.
tired
lost
exhausted quite frankly

xo
H

Hang in there Hyp---huge cyber hug...platonic of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Good sign that he is more willing to give you input.

Odds are if he will let you treat SD as a real daughter she will end up being just that.

My wife loves her sted dad much more than her real father. For that matter she said she would have a hard time chosing if her real mother ever left her sted dad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*soiling her pants when adults up the notch on trying to stop the unwanted behaviors.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hyp I wanted to add my son is a bedwetter and occasional daytime wetter. Pretty common among kids with AD and ADHD.

Currently he is taking Imipramine (generic Tofranil) for the bedwetting. And it also helps with the ADHD.

hmmmm...
I NOW remember that one form days gone by.
Thankyou for reminding me, Stunned.
and thank you for the platonic-cyber-hug.
I need hugs right now.

xo
H.