|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Lexxxy, I am glad to hear from a WS who was in an exit affair. There are times when I am sure that this is exactly what I am dealing with, and I have several questions if you could please take the time. You say that MB is powerful and would most definitely have had an impact on you had your H used it, but it would not have brought you back to the marriage. I have followed the MB princples almost to the letter, exposed the A to everyone including the OMW, and did a six month solid PlanA followed by PlanB with NC for the last three months. What type of impact could this have had on you if you were determined to end the M? Did you go into the A because you felt you M was over, or go into the A with the intent of forcing an end to your M? Were you simply using the OM to get out of the M or did it start out that way and become more? Are you still seeing OM? I would really appreciate your reply.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Foolish Bird, sorry back for not replying quicker. What I am about to say to you may be a bit off base but, please, don't disappear on me. I started this thread because I desperately need answers to questions that only the FWS/WS can give and your answers have been honest and helpful. I hope we are all here to help one another restore our M if possible. And you very much seem to want to do exactly that. From your posts I believe that you may not only still be a WS but, technically, still in an A. At least an EA. And here is a quote from SAA: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have gone back and read all of your posts on MB. You were looking for a way to end your addiction to OP back in May, yet you say that you are still trying to climb out of "this pit of addiction", still in withdrawal. Again, SAA: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If there is total seperation from the lover, the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks and then fade over the next six months. So those who report lingering withdrawal symptoms after six months are usually guilty of making sporadic contacts with the former lover. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The addiction to an A is not like an addiction to, say, cigerettes. It's more like an addiction to alcohol. There is no way to withdrawal a little at a time. You can't have contact with OP once a week, then once every other, then once a month until you finally withdraw completely. The only way to break the addiction of an A is to go "cold turkey". In the case of an A and the OP that means NC, period, ever again. You are still going to go through withdrawal and that's not going to be easy. One last SAA quote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not asking anything, and I am sure as hell not judging anyone. But I'm sure you know what I am saying here. I was in PlanA when the OMW found out about her H and my WW. OM swore that there would be NC. WW swore the same. As a BS I began to have hope. Four months later everyone found out the NC had been broken, and I felt forced to go to PlanB. I have not seen or spoken to my WW since. If WW had honestly stayed in NC our M might have had a chance at recovery. Now I'm not sure that it ever will. FB, give your M a chance. <small>[ November 16, 2003, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: 23down ]</small>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Apparently a double post. <small>[ November 16, 2003, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: 23down ]</small>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Bump. My thread was about to fall off the page and I was hoping for a reply from you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
I was married for a long long time, and I was the giver in that relationship the entire time. I look back at those years and feel like I was begging to have my needs met and being ignored and neglected. My H never treated me horribly, and on the surface everything looked fine. It wasn't the kind of relationship that you would need to run away from -- so there was never some big dramatic moment where I issued ultimatums or screamed about divorce. I just wasn't happy anymore and my efforts to get my needs met fell on deaf ears. I just accepted that I wasn't important to my H.
I just simply started fantasizing about my escape. This all started around the 12th or 13th year of our marriage. I started planning that I would leave when the kids were older. Maybe when my youngest was in high school.
The whole ordeal began when we got a computer for Christmas. About 6 months later, I was staying up late playing games online. Thats where I met OM. He filled all the needs that I was missing at home -- attention, admiration. It started with flirting, chatting, and progressed to talking on the phone for hours everyday.
Honestly from that point on, there is nothing that would have brought me back to my H. I struggled greatly with the whole process because of my concern for my kids, and concern for MYSELF (ugly to admit, but true).
My affair ended a couple years ago. OM is not someone I would EVER have been with if I were thinking clearly. It was simply a combination of my neediness and his success in preying on that.
I never had a desire to work on my marriage, because underneath it all I harbored a huge amount of anger towards my H. I still do. In a twisted way I blamed him for my affair, and the loss of self-respect I suffered because of the affair. Thats not who I was. Thats not who I am. I am not the sort of person to do such a thing -- and it was HIS fault I found myself in such a low despicable place.
I'm thankful to be out of the affair, and I'm thankful to be out of the marriage. I'm so relieved to be on my own.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Lexxxy, thank you so much for the reply. Since D-day all WW has ever said about our M or the A is that she just doesn't want to be married any more. Though I do not feel that I ignored my WW's EN, she may not feel the same. Each day I am closer to accepting that this is indeed an exit affair and that I will have to move on without her.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Thats not who I am. I am not the sort of person to do such a thing -- and it was HIS fault I found myself in such a low despicable place."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lexxxy as much as I would like to blame my multiple affair loving XWW, I have to take responsibility for staying with her for such a long time knowing how toxic it was to do so. Being a spouse is not the same as being an inmate.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
TMCM, For the record, that is not my way of thinking now. But it was very much my line of thought back then.
Incredibly, you would have had a hard time convincing me that I had cheated on my husband. Goofy huh? But I had so shut down that relationship in my heart and head that I didn't consider myself involved with my husband anymore. It was over and done with, and I was faithful to my next relationship which was with OM.
I seriously feel like a new person. I had a healthy sense of self when I was a teenager. Had great plans and confidence. I gave up a lot to marry H. And I was greatly disappointed in what I got in return. The years of my marriage tore down my self-esteem. The affair nearly destroyed me inside. The past year, although difficult in many ways, has re-built me. I feel all the hope and possibilities I felt way back when.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
Lexxxy I'm glad you clarified that, and equally glad that you have regained your self worth and optimism for the future. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
23:
"Each day I am closer to accepting that this is indeed an exit affair and that I will have to move on without her. "
I can't 2uite explain why, but I don't believe this.
-2long
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 28
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 28 |
23 Down: Sorry again for the delay. I've been responding to another post here and lost track of this one. I fully intend to give my M a chance. Thanks for your recent posts and advice. They were very helpful and I certainly wish you the very best in your current situation.
Plan B has turned out to be very painful for me, but beneficial as well. Total NC has given me the opportunity to evaluate myself in ways I never thought possible. It has shaken me physically and emotionally. While Plan B is designed to protect the BS (from my understanding), it has given me considerable insight into my mental and emotional strengths and weaknesses.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Lexxxy, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Incredibly, you would have had a hard time convincing me that I had cheated on my husband. Goofy huh? But I had so shut down that relationship in my heart and head that I didn't consider myself involved with my husband anymore. It was over and done with, and I was faithful to my next relationship which was with OM.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that this may be exactly what my WW was thinking. She has told a friend that she could never have been with OM if she had not felt our M was over before she met him. This A did not start out as a long time friendship, but a pick-up in a bar. 2long, OK, I cannot actually say I am ready to accept it. But I received an email from WW today. Tomorrow her attourney is sending signed seperation papers, with an attached petition for dissolution, to my attourney for my signature. If I sign, her attourney will file and after a thirty day waiting period our M will be over. If I do not sign she has told her attourney to immediately file for divorce. Either she is trying to show OM that she will end our M, is being pressured by OM to end our M, or is simply trying to end our M on her own. Any advice would be appreciated.
Foolish Bird, Though PlanB is indeed meant to protect the BS it is also designed to keep the BS's love for the WS alive until the return. Hopefully when you return PlanB will have worked this way and you will find a BS willing and ready to begin the long process of recovery. I am glad to hear that you have been working on yourself and intend to give your M a chance. But don't wait too long. Good luck, and stay in touch.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 207 |
Another double post? <small>[ November 18, 2003, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: 23down ]</small>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251 |
So.... 23down. Don't sign. Just don't sign.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816 |
23:
Just J is right, and she's right because you're not ready 2 give up on your M. Even if your W then files for DV immediately as a reaction 2 you not signing the dissolution papers, you will have made a strong statement about where you stand - for your M.
-2long
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 252
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 252 |
23down,
I have said this before, but...
DO NOT SIGN anything you don't believe in.
If you want to save your M, ignore her attempt to get you to sign...let her do the dirty work.
My prayers are with you...you will be shown the way. Believe. But also be tough. I think this board, and the principles and concepts are the best.
*S*
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 252
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 252 |
23,
What's happening?
R U OK?
*S*
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 60
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 60 |
Man your marriage seems to be over. But dont sign. She will get the D anyway. Money never makes one happy. She will be thrown like [censored] wiped paper by her OM soon ( with lotsa $ too) . She needs that lesson. And try for 100% custody. Money never makes one happy man. I born wealthy and see where i have ended ? as an OM. ( that tooo her fourth.).Leave her to her own ways. Once DV ed, go on complete NC. Let her eat her wealthy cake.
If i look harsh, sorry for that. She seems spoiled.
|
|
|
0 members (),
554
guests, and
102
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|