I am a married woman who has just recently come
out of an affair that lasted almost a year.
It was ended by mutual agreement. We both know
that it was absolutely wrong. He is married as well. How do I put this behind me when I gave him a big piece of my heart. He claims that he
had feelings but would never say the word love and
why am I so obsessed with needing to hear this from him now. I feel so used and empty.

I am not going to sympathize with you over the other man. You were wrong.

What you need to do now is show your husband the respect he deserves and start working on your marriage to make it the best marriage possible.

You know what is interesting is that I used to
see things black and white just like you do. Until you've been there you can't possibly know what it's like. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. I was 18 and he was 20.
We were best friends. Unfortunately I have never
had a passionate love for him. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful father and I do intend to show him the respect that he deserves. Affairs are nothing that you ever plan to get involved in. Nor can you dictate to your heart how to feel. A little compassion would be nice and if you haven't already I pray to God that you never never have to go through this kind of hell. The guilt and the feelings are so hard to bear.

thanks for your response

I know also that you have probably been on the other side of the hurt. I experienced this with my dad when I was 17 and I was devastated!! He left us for another woman and married her. A year later he and my mother got back together and remarried. I remember telling him that he would burn in hell for what he had done to us. How I could have ever let this man charm me I'll never know. He was only the 2nd man, besides my husband that I have ever been with. I found out after the fact that I was about the 4th affair that he had had. I despise myself for what I've done and for having feelings for him. He is a co-worker which makes it even worse.

Lisa,

Been there, done that, also with a man who acknowledged an emotional component but never said love. It went on and off for 7 years, then I ended it. It's hard. You will not get sympathy here, though.

You'll get over it. Trust me. Hearts were made to mend. Don't focus on what he felt or getting "closure" from him--forgive yourself, value yourself. It's hard enough to get one's own feelings into the proper perspective and realm--forget about his, that's his journey.

Be thankful you have something to rebuild at home and concentrate fully on that. Share as much as you can with your husband. You need to put the other man in the past.

Get in touch with who you are and what it means to love.

I routinely pray for my marriage and for the marriage of the OM and his wife. It seems to take the edge off the pain.

auto,

Good point, glad you posted it here.

Prayer is the only thing that ever helped with all of my worst feelings. And there were a lot.

Prayer makes you feel both humble and protected. Those feelings are the antithesis to anger and hurt.

LR:

You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. You MUST tell your Husband. You cannot fix this alone. It is not possible. There are counselors who tell you otherwise. They are wrong. This isn't about black or white, it is about what works. If, after you tell him, your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, come back here for more advice. That is unlikely, but possible, and frankly, he has the right to decide what he wants to do based on the truth. But as I said, it is EXTERMELY unlikely that he willleave becasue you had an affair, especially if you tell him voluntarily. The fact that my wife told me voluntarily is one of the things that kept me from leaving. If I had found out from someone else, it would have been much harder to stay. To recover, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity Read it while you wait for your copy of "Surviving an Affair" to arrive in the mail.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa Rodney:
<strong> You know what is interesting is that I used to
see things black and white just like you do. Until you've been there you can't possibly know what it's like. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Lisa, I am sorry you are here, but glad to see you are trying to repair the damage. I think you do see it in black and white [you know its wrong] but now realize that it can happen to best of us.

Harley believes that it often happens to people who are vulnerable from not having their needs met in their marriage. Not that that is an excuse, just one explanation for what led to the affair. And that will be your mission, to find out what happened in your marriage that led to this so it doesn't happen again.

John gave you some excellent ideas and resources to get you started on the right path. I do hope you also understand how imperative it is to tell your H. He has to know what is going on in his own life. Not only that, but the recovery of your marriage is entirely contingent upon openness and honesty. It can't recover based on a foundation of deceit.

Anyway, I wish you the best and just know that you will find lots of support here for repairing the damage.

I read the title of your thread. Kinda funny... Who's heart is more broken, yours or your husbands? Sorry, but I can't be nice right now!!!

Hi Lisa,
Sorry about those who feel like they have to kick you. They're going through their own kind of hell.

I applaud your decision to end your affair. Ending mine was one of the toughest decisions I ever had to make.

Many here have been where you are. The withdrawal from your OM really sucks, but you will get past it. Really focus on your husband right now. You may not FEEL the passion for him, but if you behave passionately towards him, the feelings will follow.
One thing is critical - absolutely NO CONTACT with the x-OM!

You may also want to consider going to individual counseling to get through this.

It's common to look back at your marriage and think that it pales in comparison to your affair. That's a trick your mind plays on you. It's possible to have that kind of passion and excitement with your husband, but it will take the two of you deciding create it. I strongly recommend you buy the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'.

Some here will advocate that you come clean to your H about everything. This is a very personal decision. You may want to consider what might happen if he finds out down the road from someone else. It would be best coming from you.

I'm two years post affair and our marriage is better than it ever was before the affair. It took both of us recognizing what our emotional needs were and making a conscious decision to meet them.

Come back if you just need to vent or talk. We're happy to help you get through this and rebuild your marriage.

Low

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 02:56 AM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

thank you so much for your reply. I know that it is so hard for others to feel compassion on the guilty parties. I have told my husband and he has been wonderful. I don't deserve him. I have started consuling as of yesterday. It was very painful but already has brought some things to light about my personality. Unfortunately I work with this person which really sucks. I have been here for 17 years. I would leave in a minute if I could find another job that pays at least the same as what I'm making. Thanks for your encouragement. It means so much to hear from someone who has moved on and is doing great from the way it sounds!

I appreciate all of the advice so much. I do not want sympathy at this point just direction. My heart breaks over what I have done to my husband just as much as the feelings that I have for the
OM. Please pray for me that I can forgive myself as well as the OM for the feelings of being used.

Lisa I know this easier said than done, but have you considered changing jobs? You see the problem with working with an OP is that further contact tends to cripple marital recovery. Please give serious consideration to this.

Lisa,

As to the feelings of being used--that whole issue of using reflects on him, not on you. It's fine to acknowledge that your self-respect was at an all-time low in becoming involved with this man. But don't beat yourself up for "being used".

Again, try to focus on the man you have, who values you.

Hi Lisa,

I don't know if this will feel like compassion but here it is for what it is worth. I know that when the A ended I needed someone to be somewhat sympathetic of what I was going through. I even called a "Christian" suicide prevention line and everything was "cool" until I said that I had been involved in an A and then the person said "you know this is a 'Christian' organization and we don't tolerate extramarital affairs" I said I guess then it would be OK with you if I "offed" myself and I hung up.

I am a WS. Our A lasted about the same as yours. She ended it and I thought I would die. We started talking again but never really saw eachother again. Finally she asked for no more contact. Unlike your A she did say many powerful things to me including that "she loved me " and that I ment "everything " to her. She had had affairs before me. She said at the beginning of the A that in the end "you feel devastated and empty". She rarely lied to me and she didn't lie about that either. That's how I felt and that is how I feel sometimes now. I know that she shed her share of tears too. Like you want to hear from him I want to hear from her. It is better for both of us that we do not hear from them. A few months after the A ended she called me again. I became hopeful. Then she said no more calls I was devastated again. It went on and off like that for about a year. The calls became less and less frequent and more and more matter of fact. Then she once again said no more. Now I am wondering when she'll call or email...I think I can say "its over" I think I can say that if she calls me I'll not return the call or the email. I turn to my W , MFC and this board for the strength I need to not call or email.

They say I can't heal nor can I have our marriage back until OW is totaly out of the picture. I believe hat and you have to believe it too. I think tha you are better offf not hearing those words "I love you"... you will only need to hear them again and again... it might even be better for you to think he didn't care it will make it easier. I heard the words, the promises, and the endearments. I had the cards, phone messages, emails and text messages to confirm the words over and over. All I want and wanted was more and more. It didn't make it any easier to say goodbye in fact she never said goodbye she just wrote I don't know what else to say so I will just end this (email) and that was that

There are plenty of people here that will give you very good advice. I would listen to them. It sounds like the one that best knows you, your H, still wants you. My W wants me. We are the lucky ones. we had that love and we still have our homes and family. We owe them big time for being so patient and forgiving. We have to work hard to pay off the debt we owe them. I am sure it will be worth it don't you?
Hang in there. Don't call him don't see him. Crave the rebuilding of your own marriage not his love.
H

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hi Hiker

Thanks so much for your response. I wish that I could get away from him. I work with him. He is a Financial Advisor and I am an Administrative Assitant. not his, thankfully. I have lashed out at him so many times since it's ended. I have said some very hateful things about him using me. But, you know, I allowed him to use me everytime I was with him.. That was my choice and I'm just now seeing that. I can't blame him entirely. You are right, we are the lucky ones!

lisa,
feeling compassion for you and how hurt you are at the moment is really not that difficult...but i still find great fault with the folks around here willing to rush to your aid and support with nothing more then sympathy. i would hope that the sympathy most will exhibit is the kind felt for a man or woman who has behaved badley and still doesn't seem to want to own up to it. it's the feeling of sympathy one has for a person who just hasn't seemed to learn.

you've been married for 23 years so it's not as if you're a teenager. and so you let yourself fall into something because you feel no passion for your H? and this is your what? excuse, reason? like 23 years together in love and respect mean nothing?

others seem to want to back of on finding fault with your attitude; that is clearly placing the resonsability for your acts where it belongs, on your shoulders...but i for one cannot do that.

you did a terrible thing to your H and family! terrible! and all you can think of right now is your own withdrawal from the affair...how it hurts you...that and the fact the your OM refuses to say he loves or loved you!? what's that about?

how about you coming to the mature realization that he (the OM) played you! that he used you! that he had and has no respect for you, your family or his family for that matter?

how about being angry instead of hurt? angry at yourself for being so foolish as to be involved with such a person...to the detriment of your own "boring" husband...you know that boring best friend of yours who has loved and cared for you and his family for 23 years!

and have you given a thought to him? does he even know what you've been doing? have you had yourself checked out for STDs...do you realize that you put his very life at risk? do you even care? where are your feelings for this man?

sorry...i don't expect you to be on your knees doing mia culpas but some admission of your own culpability would be nice...some statement of guilt concerning how you treated this man you've been with for 23 years...something...some question...some interest...as to how you can help him get throught this! something! has it even crossed your mind?

well here's a clue for you...maybe in trying to find ways to help him, you can help yourself to resolve some of these lingering issues...maybe! maybe in focusing on your H and family, you can deflect a your obession feelings away from yourself.

i have been harsh and i make no apology for it. i feel that what i've written here needed to be said...but with it all, i wish you a speedy recovery...i take no pleasure in your pain. even more, i wish you true undertanding of what you've done here...that and a new found willingness to dedicate yourelf to a happy marriage.

good luck.
coach

Coach

What can I say to your passionate response! I am sitting here in tears and that does make me angry that I've let someone who doesn't even know anything about me upset me. It isn't all about me, you are absolutely right and I am well aware of that. I don't want your sympathy or anyone's sympathy for that matter. A little compassion would be nice though. I have learned some very hard lessons in my 42 years. One is to never judge what you will or will not do. I have had to eat my words every single time. You only know what I've shared on this website about myself. So please don't be so eager to stone me just yet.

I am trying to recover. I have to start with all of the crap that I'm feeling to be able to be the wife that my husband deserves. I'm definately on my way but do need encouragment. I certainly don't need your harsh words but thanks for trying to help.

I wish you the best with whatever you are going through that has caused your bitterness. I do have compassion on you.

Lisa,

You are missing something very important here. With all do respect look at what I just posted to Mrsx. It is harsh, it has a purpose, as do the "harsh" posts to you.

Your H loves you, he wants to rebuild the marriage, he wants to forgive you, he wants your love, he doesn't want to lose you, AND... he feels and thinks a lot like Coach and others.

What you are missing is that you are getting a glimpse of what you will need to address with your H, and Coach and others are providing it to you. Whether you know it or not YOU need this information.

I know you are aware that your H is hurt, but I doubt he has given full voice about his feelings because he doesn't want to chase you away, he loves you. But, Coach and others can and to some degree speak for your H here. So I would counsel you to listen to what he says and "feel" it, for something very close to what he said is very likely going through your H's mind.

WHile you work your way through withdrawal from OM, your H is working over many things in his mind, trying to control out of control feelings, dealing with his rage. You need to understand what you need to address when you finally start to focus on your marriage and not OM.

The posts here come from many people, but rest assured of one thing, they wouldn't continue to post here if they did not want to help you, and sometimes they need to help you see what you really don't want to.

So stop and think about why Coach's and others posts seemed harsh. What buttons did they push? Why did you go into defensive mode immediately from someone you don't know? How are you going to react when your H starts to give voice to his inner most feelings (for your information, that often starts to happen about 4-6 months into recovery).

Whether you know it or not, every poster that has posted is trying to help you, receive their messages with that in mind.

God Bless,

JL