Lisa mentioned the S word, suicide. That really scares me because I get the impression she is a great lady who happens to be very confused.

I hope she contacts a professional who can help her. This board is fine for many things, but sometimes you have to bring in the pros.

Auto

I agree that she needs a professional to help out.


Beau

Lisa

Lisa


Please reply

Beau

^^^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Beau

I'm ok. I realize one thing, under no circumstance am I to drink again. I know that alcohol is a depressant and I certainly don't need any help in that area right now. My emotions are so out of whack though. I am seeing a counselor. I've been once and go back on December 1st. I have a lot of issues that I know I need help with. My main problem is that my heart is so tender right now. Anything thing at all makes me cry. I don't like feeling so out of control.

Lisa

I feel your pain and know that this is a terribly hard time for you.

Lisa - it will get better with counseling, possibly medication for depression and time. It's real important that you not drink. As you have experienced alcohol makes the symptoms of depression a good bit worse.

I am not going to say more about OM because you know what you must do.

We all make terrible mistakes. I could tell you volumes about bad choice that I have made in my life. The bad choices hurt and in some instances keep on hurting me. As long as I turn my thoughts inward, I suffer quiet a bit. But, when I reach out to other people and try to be of service my spirits always improve. That’s the reason I have spent my entire adult life working in healthcare. It helps me to help someone else.

The holidays are beginning so I would encourage you to get out of your self. Spent time with H and D and church activities to keep your self-busy. Little by little the pain will begin to subside.

Lisa – remember YOU are a child of GOD. And God LOVES you more than you will ever know. God has made a way for all who believe to spend eternity in paradise. Welcome, dear friend to the hard times that Jesus talked about. We go through this together as Christians.

Please keep posting. Don’t stop.

In Christ

Beau

Beau

Thanks so much for your support and prayers. They mean more to me than you'll ever know. I have never been a selfish type person like I am now. I totally need to get out of myself and look around me. I need to start living again...really living!

Can I ask you a question. How do I go about changing my Displayed name on here?

Hiker

Thanks so much for your response. I don't know what I would do without the encouragement I get from you and others.

Thanks again and God bless!

Lisa

At the top of the page there is a link that is labeled "my profile." Click on that line and you will be taken to a page where you can change your display name.

Let me know your "new" display name so that I can keep up with your progress.

All the best to you

Beau

Hi there;

We have nearly the EXACT situation....I am married as is the OM.
Met 10 months ago--CLICKED. Lived 5 hrs apart...carried on an email relationship, met up one time and were intimate.

I love him....and he told me we needed a "break" as i was consuming his every thought and takin time away from his wife...I agreed to givehim time to sort through, re-connect with his wife. I was devestated...told him it would be hard for me to cope...he told me hed be here if i needed to talk...well, did, and he never emailed back.

i emailed 3 more times....probably looked like the typical psycho girlfriend....but the last email was to end it...i just didnt want to wait 2 weeks to hear him come say that to me...


But, no i hurt...i miss him...i want him to write, and i dont. I miss him though....and I hurt when he doesnt respond. Iknow he wont either.

How do we get over this pain?

Wow, this makes me so sad. As much as my husband and I had alot of major problems (and divorced), I never once had any desire whatsoever to have an OM while married (I still don't desire an OM 1 yr. after divorce!!). He also did not commit adultery. I am so, so very thankful that I had a faithful husband. I cannot even imagine being betrayed in the way a person whose spouse has had an affair has been betrayed.

I know adultery happens... alot.. but I just can't understand it. I honestly can't. It's like no one cares about being faithful anymore and no one cares about commitment. I mean, if you are going to be with an OM, can't you at least get a divorce first?? I do not at all advocate divorce, but I just don't understand cheating on your spouse. I think if a person is not going to stop the affair, then it's better they divorce, simply for the sake of the partner who is not having an affair.

Sally, I hope you have told your husband about your affair. He should know. The OM's wife should know too.

I'm sorry, but I am so saddened at all the hurting people who come here and share how their spouse is having an affair. It is absolutely devestating to them and to their children. It is like the ultimate betrayal. Many marriages have been destroyed due to adultery.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes. How would it feel if it was your husband in love with another woman and having an affair with someone (I'm assuming they aren't).

I know you (and the other girls here who've had affairs) are hurting and I don't mean to condemn you in any way... but you have got to see the devestation that adultery causes and you have got to NOT commit adultery!! IF you decide to continue in your affairs, then you should first divorce your husbands so at least, they can have some freedom to find themselves a wife who will be faithful to them.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am not sure if you understand the gravity of your affairs. And getting out of it is going to hurt!! You have literally played with fire. You cannot play with fire and not get burned! You play with fire, you WILL get burned, and it is one of the most painful wounds. Wounds can heal, but if you keep playing with the fire and you don't flee it, then you can't expect anything other than pain.

<small>[ November 22, 2003, 02:30 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Sally, I am also wondering how you found this website. Are you wanting to BUILD your marriage? If so, you HAVE to let go of this other man. You cannot build your marriage back if their is another man in the picture.

Sally, I am also wondering how you found this website. Are you wanting to BUILD your marriage? If so, you HAVE to let go of this other man. You cannot build your marriage back if their is another man in the picture.

It also sounds like your whole interaction with him was via email. You said you only personally met him once, at which time you had sex with him.

You say though that you are in love. I think you are probably in love with a fantasy. You have only known him for 10 months and it has been a secret relationship through only internet interaction. You cannot truly even know him in that manner.

If you don't want to be married to your husband and you want to fall in love with another man, then you should get a divorce. It's not fair to your husband for you to be unfaithful to him. IF however, you want to save your marriage and build it (which maybe is why you are here), then you need to probably get counseling, confess this affair to your husband, hope that he forgivves you, and you are going to have to work very, very hard to rebuild the relationship with your husband... if that is what you want.

Sally

I certainly do not have any answers. But I must say that last Wednesday when I actually contemplated suicide on my way home from work shook me like nothing else had. If my daughter had not have called my cell phone when she did I think I may have actually have done it. That is the epitome of selfisness!!! How did we ever allow something to so totally consume us that we don't care what it costs to have it!! How did we ever get to this point. I'm working on that answer. My OM caused me nothing but heartache and I have caused my husband even greater heartache. Sally, try to look at your situation from your husband's viewpoint. If your husband is like mine, they don't deserve this betrayal. And at what costs are we so determined to have our needs met! What concerns me about my A is that this man didn't love me or even profess to love me. I literally whored myself out to him every time I was with him. As my counselor said, I betrayed myself every single time, not to mention my husband. I'm praying for you Sally and know that you have a friend here that totally understands what you're going through.

I have changed my displayed name to Lisa 103.

Please stay in touch!

Lisa

Very glad that you are feeling better. At some point you will understand the resons why you allowing yourself to be used. I hope that day comes sooner than later and that you will stop hating yourself.

Beau

Hi Beau

I hope that you are doing well this evening. I've never asked a whole lot about you. I guess that comes from my being so obsessed with myself over the last year! Are you married, children?
Do you keep in contact with your father now?

I did want to let you know that my A has been over for two months so I know that I'll get through this. God has kept his hand on me though through many days. There have been times when I truly don't remember driving myself home! I'm 42 and should know better!!!!

Please keep posting. I enjoy talking to you.

Lisa

Lisa,

I, too am the FWW. I think most of us have thoughts of suicide with regards to this situation. I can't tell you how helpful it was for me to find anti-d's. I also drove home many times not knowing how I made it. I would almost "zone out" trying to deal with my emotions.

I actually got my anti-d's from my OB/Gyn. I was trying to see a psychiatrist for them, but I could only get an appt that was 3 or 4 weeks in the future each time. So my OB/Gyn went ahead and started me on some. After all, they take so long to reach full effect that it's usually OK to start ahead. I ended up switching after 6 weeks, and they have made a huge difference.

One other thing I wanted to say to you is that it seems we share one of the most common internal issues which contributed to our A's. We were looking outside ourselves for happiness. When we weren't able to find it with our H (for whatever reasons), someone else realized that, and we allowed ourselves to presume that happiness could be with them (albeit only in the moment).

The hardest thing for us is building an infrastructure - so if and when our support beams (H's) bend, then we are still able to support ourselves. After all - true happiness comes from within. It seems as if we both lacked the same feelings growing up. I often look back on my life, and really cannot identify too many times when I can actually say that I was happy in spite of things that were occurring in my life. That is a huge signal to me that maybe I never really built that infrastructure. Possibly why I have always been so codependent....

I am trying to build it now. Reading here, IC, and reading other books (Torn Asunder by Dave Carder is great btw.....you will learn alot from it) have helped me be strong enough to build something that can hold me up. Of course, it is doing just that - barely holding me up. I want to make it stronger and reinforce it. I also need to learn how to integrate my H into it. How he can be a part of the support, but not the only one I rely on.....

One thing which I have seen posted on the Recovery Board a few times is that it's sometimes easier if you don't fight your feelings for OM. It's OK to grieve your loss - even if it was a fantasy. In your mind, at the time, it felt real. It will take a long time for your heart to catch up, but the bottom line is that the fantasy is lost - because in reality, it never was truly real. So while your mind can process this, your heart will take longer to mend.

First, though, you need to look within yourself and realize that you are a strong enough person to quit trying to solicit a response from him. He is not the only source for your self esteem. Once you are able to quit soliciting from him, then you will start to feel better about yourself - you will realize that you are strong enough to do something you didn't think you could. And you really are - don't sell yourself short!

Remember - you cannot always control your feelings or emotions. But you can control your actions. And by doing the right thing (not talking to him other than work related issues - and hopefully not at all in the future), you will build your own self confidence. Those will be your preliminary support beams.

Don't expect things to happen overnight -- they won't. But know and remember that with time, you will heal - period. Take care of you, and work on rebuilding what you need within yourself and within your M. Good luck!

Hi Lisa;

I am in the same situation as you. Married 9 years, 3 kids.

Went on first "girls nite out" in 9 years. Met OM. Both of us married.. Talked that first nite until 8am next day..he gave me his card...fast forward 10 months... I admitted the affair to husband and it has been hell ever since.

Because of geography, we have been intimate 1 time (not that first nite either) and had an email realtionship for 10 months.

Now, last week, he asked for a break...he needs to re-connect with his wife as he was thinkin too much of me and it was becoming a distraction. So I agreed to give him that time but because it seemed so much in his emails like he was "easing" into lettin me go permanently, I kinda went psycho-crazy and emailed him 2 twice,called him once and then, after no reply, sent him an email that said it was over...that I was ending it (because i just couldnt face the coming rejection in a few weeks time).

Now I am HORRIFIED that I should have given him his space and waited...Im scared that he wont reply and ill never hear from him....and Im scared that he will becuse I know NOT hearing from him would be the best thing for us.

I just DONT want to lose him, even as a friend.

He met so many emotional needs for me. Now I cant eat, or function.

I know this affair is wrong and Iw as the VOICED OPPOSITION to cheaters before this happened to my heart...if one thing I have learned is to never judge anyone unless you walked in their shoes.