Mrsx

It is imperative that a NC letter is sent to Mr. Y telling him to stop calling, sending e-mail, or coming by your office. That you want nothing to do with him. That the affair is OVER.

Beau

No we talked in person. He just cannot deal with no contact at all. He claims he can't lose his best friend ever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I am preparing myself to tell him that our frienship is absolutely over. I am trying to get over feeling "sympathetic" of him and getting tough. For now I am ignoring him but I know eventually I will have to confront him again and be strong. :::SIGH:::

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

I agree with Son - a NC letter stating the specifics is a must.

Tell him that you cannot remain friends with him as it is disrespectful to your H and M.

Ask him to please respect your wishes in this matter and to have no further contact in any form.

Tell him you love your H and want your M to work.

And then - go tell your H before the OM does!
DB

Can u imagine that part of me is afraid to hurt his feelings? I am afraid to let go? I guess it's easier to be evasive than it is to confront him. I am hiding from him right now. I need to get the guts to do this!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Mrsx

"I am not sure I really want Mr.Y to leave Mrs. either. I do know that subconsciously I want him to profess his undying love for me and to tell me that he loves only me." Copied from Lisa R thread.

Your playing games and are still way deep in the "fog." Your want your cake and eat it too. You refuse to tell your husband so you can string him along in case the affair fails. It is obvious that you have major self-esteem issues that go back to your childhood. The OM may make you happy now but your problems will resurface all to soon.

Beau

The OW in my life ended our relationship. She said no more contact. I don't think she told me the truth for the reason(s) but it doesn't matter. I love her and I want/ed to please her so I did as she requested. I believe in my heart that it was difficult for her to do what she did. She knew it hurt me, she knew that I might not be able to recover from it. She did it anyway. Her bottom line was that it "wasn't fair to our spouses" to continue on. I wanted to keep her as a friend it was/is impossible. SHe said that I will always occupy a "special place in her heart". I have to be satisfied with that. So do you... so does he. There is no place else to go with this relationship.
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hiker:
<strong> The OW in my life ended our relationship. She said no more contact. I don't think she told me the truth for the reason(s) but it doesn't matter. I love her and I want/ed to please her so I did as she requested. I believe in my heart that it was difficult for her to do what she did. She knew it hurt me, she knew that I might not be able to recover from it. She did it anyway. Her bottom line was that it "wasn't fair to our spouses" to continue on. I wanted to keep her as a friend it was/is impossible. SHe said that I will always occupy a "special place in her heart". I have to be satisfied with that. So do you... so does he. There is no place else to go with this relationship.
H </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hiker, Did you recover from it?

Mrsx,

The short answer is I am working on it. If by recover does it mean to stop loving her then I don't think I will ever recover. Rightly or wrongly she changed my life and I changed hers. We shared significant moments, thoughts and words. It was all wrong and we knew it. We did it at the expense of our spouses, no one deserves that, nothing they ever did warranted the destruction of their world(by the way only my W knew/knows of the A her H never knew and still doesn't).

I have another post found here on pg5 titled "No where To Turn". This came about because I saw her on the freeway... how sick is that?

I also have one entitled "How much should I tell" (try www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=025314;p=6) and a third "What is love".www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=025558

Each of these and my posts to you and others are my efforts to "recover". I know that I cannot undo the pass but I can rebuild my future my working on my present. I owe it to my W, I owe it to myself and oddly enough I think I owe it to the OW and her husband for me to find some peace so that she can be free of me. OW feels partly resposible for my depression and the destruction of my W. She knows what it is like to be dumped it happened to her.
H

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hiker:
<strong> Mrsx,

The short answer is I am working on it. .....snipped

H </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well Hiker I am so sorry for u because I do understand. Mr.Y and I also had a good friendship before and during A. It will be a great loss for me to remove him from my life. We had some really great times together and talks and fun and laughs as well. Even went to the World Series this year together and cheered on our Yanks! But of course I have over 10 years of good and bad times with H and that is what is really more important to me right now I think. At least it should be and I am working hard on realizing that.

Even though our R is now based on lies and deceit, at one time and even somewhat during the A it was also comprised of what a friendship is supposed to be. Helping each other out, doing fun stuff together, listening to each other vent about work, life, etc., supporting each other, and that is basically what I am going to miss the most. I mean we had sex less than 10 times, and spent most of our time just doing fun stuff friends do. Unfortunately, once the friendship oversteps the boundaries of platonic relations, there is no going back to the way it was before the A because now my feelings for him have changed and his as well. Trust me, he is having a hard time dealing with this as much as I am.

However, I am just trying a second at a time to remember that he is someone elses H and I am someone elses W and the only way the both of us can focus on getting our **** together is to cut ties completely.

We are both doing job interviews. I don't want to have to leave my job, I love my job. I have 5 years at the company and so many friends and supportive co-workers. I have a great position with some seniority and upward-mobility. He's been there for a year. He would prefer to stay at the company but he is actively interviewing because he knows I am very tense working with him. He can find a job a lot easier than I can as he is more senior-level. I hope it's him that gets a new job first!

Well it's only 29 hours of no-contact and I am still very much in the "fog" of course but at least I am gaining a better understanding of what is going on and starting to be a little honest with myself.

Thanks so much for your honesty and support, Hiker! You sound like a great guy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Mrsx

"I am not sure I really want Mr.Y to leave Mrs. either. I do know that subconsciously I want him to profess his undying love for me and to tell me that he loves only me." Copied from Lisa R thread.

Your playing games and are still way deep in the "fog." Your want your cake and eat it too. You refuse to tell your husband so you can string him along in case the affair fails. It is obvious that you have major self-esteem issues that go back to your childhood. The OM may make you happy now but your problems will resurface all to soon.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Beau, mayhap you're right. As a matter of fact you most likely are right. I am insecure and do have self-esteem issues. However, I am not refusing to tell my husband to string him along. I am really afraid of his reaction. I am trying to come to terms with this and I am still in the "fog" for sure, I am not denying that. But I really need some time to contemplate whether or not he needs to know about the A. I am sure as more time goes by I may have the answer. Right now I am not ready to tell him. I need to deal with being able to completely end the A with Mr.Y first before I can take that step. And not because I want my H to be the fall-guy, but because I am scared ****! Thanks for bringing that up because maybe it really is a valid argument and I am not being honest with myself in that regard, yet. I am going to seriously think about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
Beau, mayhap you're right. As a matter of fact you most likely are right. I am insecure and do have self-esteem issues. However, I am not refusing to tell my husband to string him along. I am really afraid of his reaction. I am trying to come to terms with this and I am still in the "fog" for sure, I am not denying that. But I really need some time to contemplate whether or not he needs to know about the A.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MrsX, you are not in a position to decide what is best for him. The man HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW what is going on his OWN life and you have no right to withhold that information from him. To do so is cruel and manipulative.

You are the LAST person in the world to decide what he needs or doesn't need to know since you are the one that has inflicted the damage. The rapist doesn't get to decide what is in the best interest of his victim. It is up to HIM to decide what is in his best interest, not you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sure as more time goes by I may have the answer. Right now I am not ready to tell him. I need to deal with being able to completely end the A with Mr.Y first before I can take that step.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you don't have to deal with ending the relationship with the OM before you tell him. He needs to know *NOW*. This is his life. No one is EVER "ready" to bust themselves, so you will be waiting FOREVER if you wait for yourself to get ready. Please don't compound your cruelty by dragging this out.

I suspect you are holding off because you know if you tell him you will really have to end the affair and you aren't sure you want to. You know you have to end this affair, so you might as well do it now by telling your H.

And yes, you are right to be scared. But your fear does not supercede his WELL BEING. Put him FIRST for a change. Your feelings should take a back seat to doing the right thing. Suck your stomach in like a man and face the consequences. The man needs to know the truth and saying you are "scared" is no excuse to put off his needs.

I know Melody...I know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I need to think about this. I know I am procrastinating... I am making excuses...I know it is probably the right thing to do... I just need to clear my head and figure out how the heck I can do it.
Thank u

MrsX, your head is not going to be clear for a very long time. Nor are you EVER going to "feel" like telling him. No one ever WANTS to do this, they do it because it is RIGHT.

You cannot relegate his BEST INTEREST to the mercy of your feelings. You have to just tell the man. Your feelings are irrelevent to your obligation to tell him.

Please set a date VERY SOON to tell him and we will support you when you do it. The sooner you tell him, the faster the nightmare will be over. It will be the start of recovery or the end of your marriage.

Mrsx

You are afraid that if you tell your H about the affair that he will kick your behind out of the house. And, that other people will find out about the A and judge you as a cheat and a liar. That’s the only reason you continue to lie and withhold information from H.

In the meanwhile, you continue to have contact with OM at work and play these fantasy games in your head “I do know that subconsciously I want him to profess his undying love for me and to tell me that he loves only me.” You are so afraid that if you tell H about the affair and he kicks you out and OM dumps you or the relationship with OM sours that you will be out on the street all alone. You hope that you can lie and cheat and get away with it.

What you are doing is more than just lying and cheating and being an adulterer. You are treating your H like and object that you can do with what you please. And, the only thing this man has done wrong is marry you. He has known idea of type of person that he married. You have no feeling for anyone other than yourself. What you are doing is evil and wrong and sooner or later you will pay the price for you actions.

I take back what I said about you earlier today. I feel sorry for your husband that he married a woman that has no morals, no standards, is a liar and a cheat.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mrsx:

"My husband is a terrific guy, and he loves me very much. He is honest and faithful and wouldn't hurt me intentionally, ever."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That may be true but I'll bet he thinks the same of you. What IF you are wrong? Don't discount the possibility that he may also have cheated on you. Many WS's place their BS's on a pedestal of fidelity and are shocked to to find out that they are not the paragons of virtue they thought they were.

Now what does this have to do with you telling him the truth about your affair? Well If he also has cheated on you, then there is a good chance that he also will come clean regarding his infidelity(ies).

But even if this is not the case in your situation, Melodylane is absolutely correct that your H has a right to know and decide whether he wants to remain married to you just like you and the OM were at one time deciding whether to end your marriages or not.

A marriage without honesty is extremely vulnerable to affairs and while you MAY be the original WS, your BH MAY become the WS in the future with a much more destructive effect on the marriage than your own affair(if his affair turns out to be an exit affair). Do you want this?

Mrsx,

I know you are reluctant, who wouldn't be. Melody is right, but it will help you if you have a plan. A plan on how and where to tell him, a plan for getting you and hopefully him help, a plan on how to deal with this whether he decides to stay or go.

Start by making a plan. It won't be perfect, and people here can offer you suggestions and discuss with you the pluses and minuses of each approach.

But, Mrsx there is one thing you must acknowledge and face. A decision was made by you and OM, that has led to a situation where many people are going to get hurt, no matter what you decide, who you decide on, people are going to get hurt, AND YOU CAN NOT PROTECT THEM from what you have already done.

It is a harsh reality whether you tell your H or not. Telling him permits HIM to decide what is best for him, you really have no right to make that decision. You need to at least give him that amount of respect, that he is capable of making a decision that is best for him. After all you made decisions you felt were best for you.

Keep thinking about this and start working on a plan. A counselor could be of great use to you, in developing a plan to tell him, or perhaps your pastor or clergyman/woman. You might even go to a church that you don't usually attend for help, thus reducing exposure, but Mrsx, sooner or later your H is going to get hurt more than he already is.

Yes, you read that right "more than he already is". I would bet he has noticed that the marriage is not good, that no matter what he does, he does NOT get responses from you that make sense. He may very well suspect that there is another man. I doubt you are a good enough actor to hide the strain and conflicting emotions you currently feel.

So he knows something is up and it is NOT good for him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Mrsx


And remember we aren't bad people for what we have done. Everyone makes mistakes, and I am definitely NOT condoning what we did but at the same time we can't take it back and can't change it. It is what it is. Just try to do something nice for yourself today. Go get a massage or a manicure or a hairdo. Keep telling yourself that you don't need his reassurance that you are loved. This is what I am doing. Honey, you and I are in the same boat. We need to try hard right now because it is so easy to slip back into the insanity and I think I only get myself deeper and deeper into it and farther away from reality each time Mr.Y and I "get back together".
Copied from post to Lisa R.

You have no intention of ending the A. This is all a game to you.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please think about this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL I absolutely positively will.

THANK YOU. I appreciate your harsh honesty because I know that's what I need right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Mrsx
Copied from post to Lisa R.

You have no intention of ending the A. This is all a game to you.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is bullcrap. Dude, it's been one day since I initiated the NC. Give me a break here. If I had no intention I wouldn't be here, would I?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> Mrsx
Copied from post to Lisa R.

You have no intention of ending the A. This is all a game to you.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is bullcrap. Dude, it's been one day since I initiated the NC. Give me a break here. If I had no intention I wouldn't be here, would I? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MrsX, I agree with you 100%. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to end this affair. I know you are torn, but I also know you are trying and give you enormous credit.

Character comes not from what we do wrong [we ALL do wrong!] but in how we handle it. I know you are trying very hard to handle this the right way. And bless you for your patience in taking the heat here. I know its not easy, but please rest assured that most of us here really do want to help you because we can tell you are sincere.

I hope you strongly consider what Just Learning said about making a "plan" to tell him. Many of the others here can help you in your presentation. And of course, we will all be here to support you when you do.