Mrsx

How are you tonight. Better I hope. Sorry for the kick that you got from Beau. It's got to be hard for BS's to read things from our side of the situation. Don't let it get you down. I had someone really light into me the other night. It actually made me cry. Someone I don't even know. But the odd thing is, it served a purpose. I got hurt then angry. I have had a horrible day too if it helps to have someone to commesorate with!! Maybe tomorrow will be better for both of us. Hang in there!!

MrsX, Lisa:

Yes we are hard on you, but that's because we want to see you come to a more positive resolution in your lives than where you are now. For you and your families.

SonofW said it very well. You are treating your H as an object, and not as a human being. What you are doing to your spouses was abuse. You are emotionally abusing them.

I am sorry that is so blunt, but there is no way to sugarcoat it, nor to validate what you've done, and are doing.

--

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Mr.Y needed a ride to work this morning so he called me and I caved in. What the **** is wrong with me. I hate myself right now. I slipped right back into the obsession and now I am hurting.

I need to write my NC letter today and send it to him and tell him he will be sorry if he tries to contact me again.

I cannot believe I let myself get into this mess. i hate myself right now. My poor husband. I want so desperately to turn the calendar back to the beginning of the year!

Beau, you're right. I am still very much in the fog. I am still lying to myself and to everyone about this. I need to get out of this job I don't care anymore. Five years at my job doesn't mean anything since I already threw ten years of marriage out the damn window. I really need some honest criticism right now, so let me have it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Mrs. x:
You ARE still in the fog but I think the weather is about to clear. You already don't like how you feel and that's a good sign.

But you are just going to make yourself sicker the longer that this game is played.

I think the relief you will feel once this A is brought to the light of day will be tremendous.

Write your NC letter now and either mail it to him or have a friend give it to him. Maybe you could say that if he continues contact you will tell his wife. I realize that's pretty harsh but WHEN she does find out (yes, I said WHEN, because she WILL) it will make it harder for him to contact you. So, see, by doing that or threatening to do that, it will help your situation as well.

You also need to make an appointment to see a MC NOW! Take your H along and tell him with the MC's help that you are having an affair.

ORDER the book, Surviving an Affair and give it to your husband on the way home from the MC.

Relief is out there but you have to go look for it.

DB

Hi there,

I have been following your story but haven't posted before.

As the BS of a WH I would love to tell you to jump off a cliff and put it an end to it all but no.I don't think anyone bashing you more is going to help you at this point. It is repeatedly painful to all involved that what happened wasn't right. You need to pick yourself up,dust yourself off and start more drastic measures like changing phone numbers,e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers,etc.Don't allow this guy to have your contact info anymore.That's for one thing.

Also, tell your husband what happened.If I were in his shoes, I would want and need to know. There can be absolutely no secrets so tell him you ****** up big time, that way he can decide for himself what to do.You are now back to zero on the withdrawal scale.You do seriously need to get another job,at all costs.

My husband was working near the OW,not at the same company but they met at group gatherings after work. Then guess what happened after the affair, he got FIRED!(They didn't need two people doing basically the same job so he was the one let go). What a BLESSING! He is now home with his family,wants to see his side of the family and start some more serious work on our marriage.Away from that homewrecker.Any ounce of effort you have to expend at work trying to avoid the OM is effort taken away from you and your husband, and right now you are struggling with effort and so is your husband.

Get that NC letter out to him pronto.No more procrastination!!!!! JUST DO IT!! Have your husband cosign or approve it.Change phone numbers,etc. Ask for a sabatical,ask for a leave of absence,ask for a transfer,WHATEVER IT TAKES,get the heck out of dodge!

October

Mrsx

I am sorry that you “caved” in to your emotions. This is why NO CONTACT is so important. As long as your are around OM you will not let go of the FANTASY.

So here are steps that you need to take. TMCM may add his insights as well.

1) Tell husband tonight
2) Resign your job tomorrow
3) Sent NC letter to OM
4) Seek counseling immediately

Be honest with your husband and ask for forgiveness and demonstrate your resolve to end the affair immediately by resigning your job. Both you and H go straight to MC. You need to uncover what is going on inside of you. Also, very likely there are emotional needs that are not being met by H. The two of you can work through these issues during counseling.

Work on NC letter with H tonight and send it tomorrow by email or by a friend. Don’t deliver it your self. Make it very plain that the affair is over and you expect NC of any kind on his part.

I left work early again because I needed to get away, I am again a nervous freakin wreck!!

I cannot believe that I caved in. I cannot believe that I am obsessing about another woman's husband when I have my own. I cannot believe that I am still anticipating his call on my cell phone. I am NUTS!!

I am going to talk to H tonight. I don't even know what the heck I am gonna say but I can't take this anymore, if it is destroying ME I can't imagine what it is going to do to my H.

My H is a faithful man who loves me no matter what I do. He has been with me through some hard times and has never faltered in his love and commitment to me. I never thought I would falter either I really never dreamed of it!

He was always the one that made me laugh, my best friend, my love and my everything. I let it all slip away because of issues in our marriage neither one of us had the guts to confront. And even when he did confront me on my spending habits and whatever else I did that troubled him, I would just blow him off and continue to do whatever I want. I never even gave him a chance. I have TEN YEARS + of a life with him and at this moment I can't recall the happy times! I am focusing on what is wrong with H and what is wrong with M and I thought Mr.Y was the solution to my problems. Mr.Y is a head case himself and not grounded like my H. He cheated on his wife after only one year of marriage and I got sucked into the "I love you's" and the "soulmate" crap that he dished out to me.

Mr.Y isn't ready to let go of this A either. Even though we both mutually agreed we need to stop he tells me he can't live without me in his life. Well I have to save my M and even though I am too fogged out to realize the importance of my M right now, I really don't want to lose it or my H.

I am so scared to let go of Mr.Y and why the heck is that??? What am I really afraid to let go of? It's not like we have a real commitment or anything together, just a romance that was inappropriate and destructive. So why am I so scared to let go???

OK he called my cell. I am a freakin wreck. I told him he MUST absolutely not call, not IM, not contact me in any way ever again because every time we communicate I get sucked back into the same feelings the same insanity and I can't handle it anymore. He asked why do I have to just spring this on him all of a sudden? What is wrong with me? I told him that I cannot ever get over him unless he leaves me alone. I told him if he really cares about me the way he says he does he will understand and honor my request. He said "Goodbye, mrsx" and hung up.

I am just a freaking wreck right now. OOOH it hurts ooh it hurts so bad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Mrsx,

Please calm down, just take some breaths and start to think. I know you "feel" all messed up and confused, but sit down and think. Do you know the right things to do?? Then start on that path, do the right things and you will work your way out of this mess.

You have done very well handling OM. He needs to be out of your life, no matter what happens to your marriage. You have strong feelings for him and that is normal, so accept that for now. You also have stronger feelings for your H than you realize right now, or you would NOT be in such pain. You have surpressed those feelings and you did it for your sanity.

Mrsx, you would not feel this way if you really weren't a good person at heart. You have also realized that you focused on your H's failings and not his strengths. The reason is simple you could not do what you have done, and have your H be a good man or your marriage be good in your mind. It would be inconsistent with what you were feeling the pull to do.

You do remember us talking about the "fog" well you are now seeing that the "fog" does have a logic. If you have strong feelings for OM, then within the logic of the "fog" you cannot have a good marriage or be married to a good man. It would be inconsistent and NOT logical. But your subconscience knows and it is bubbling up through the "fog".

So calm down, and realize that the only way out of this mess is to do the right things. Your OM met a lot of needs including apparently NOT getting on you about your spending. Why should he? It wasn't his money? It wasn't his future. He is calling you because it suits him to do so, not because it makes you feel better or is helpful to you.

He is in his own fog, and his own W of one year is I am sure already doubting, worrying, wondering what is going on in HER marriage. He is not helping her at all, but he wants to call you although you don't want him to. He is addicted to you, which is NOT a good thing even within a marriage and surely wrong when married to other people.

So realize this is working its course. Calm down and think of your course of action, and start to plan to execute it. You remember I told you there was no painless way out? You already know it is causing you pain and a lot of it. This cannot be avoided. So stay on your no contact course and start to develop your plan.

Keep posting people will respond although Fri, and the weekend are pretty slow around here. Hang in there Mrsx. You are doing better than you think.

God Bless,

JL

OK enough is enough. You can keep talking here til the cows come home.

It is time to take ACTION! If you can't do it,and so far you haven't, get a friend to help.Have that friend help you change phone and cell numbers NOW. Start writing that NC NOW. Tell your husband what is going on NOW.Get into a counselor NOW.

**Call A CRISIS HOTLINE NOW.Counselors usually have these numbers or are listed in the phone book.

Move in the right direction not toward OM!! You can't do this ALONE,get help for heavens sake.Please.

October

Dear Mrsx:
If you do tell your H tonight - please give him the webaddress for MB. He's going to need it!

I will try to check in tomorrow morning and afternoon to see how it is going. I'll check here and on JFO in case your H posts there.

Good luck - this will be hard but please:
1. Answer all of his questions
2. Take all of his ranting and raving without LBing back - this will come back tenfold to you when he calms down.
3. Understand this is a process like grieving over a loved one, there are certain steps he has to process through. Love him through those processes.
4. Tell him you love him and believe in your M - because it is obvious to us that you do...

((((((hugs)))))

You will get through this. And so will he.
DB

Thank u all so much for replying right away. I am so stressed and hurting right now I am going to take a nap with my cat. I will post back when I regain my composure.

Thanx again~!!

No one has said this one to you yet. I'm not going to bash -- just wanted to mention one thing:

Do you realize how much OM is trying to control you and the situation by not honoring your request?

Do you see how disrespectful he actually is by playing you?

Look at him this way: He is being a PLAYER right now -- a self-centered, disrespectful, controlling PLAYER!

Maybe that will help with the NC. I know you are still going to feel bad but start looking him in that light because by all your posts re OM since you asked for NC, that is all I see of him.

Okay, no, I'm coming back to edit....

Two things to make you see him in a different light -- here's the other thing:

He obviously sees you as a weak human being.

Examples:

Calls you to bring something down from his office when he knew he could ask someone else.

Called you for a ride when he could have asked someone else -- maybe even his wife?

He is playing upon your weakness as well -- this is feeding his self-centered egocentric self even more. This means you are an "object" or a "posession" to him more than a "partner."

I know you don't want to hear this about a person you think truly loves you but this is what is coming across to me when I read the posts re him.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>

Mrsx

You know what you must do to break out of this terrible situation. It will be difficult but you can do this!! More than once, you have summons up enough courage to attempt to end the affair. You posted on MB and have taken harsh criticism without running away. It takes a strong person to do that and I have every confidence that once you get started the other steps will not be so difficult. The inertia of doing nothing is putting a terrible strain on you emotionally.

I have been thinking about your situation for several days and the reason that I have pressed you so hard is that you are about the age of my daughter. I identify with you perhaps on more of a personal level than I realized. I have tried to break through the fantasy fog, as you well know, because I feel for you and I know what I would feel like if my daughter we in the same situation. I would be desperately trying to help her.

Summons up the courage to take the first step and talk to your husband. With his support the other steps will be difficult and yet easier because you have gotten the affair out in the open and will have the support of you husband to help you complete the other necessary steps.

I (We) care about you and want to help you straighten out your life and go on to have kids and be happily married for many years.

You will be in my prayers

Beau

All, thank you for staying with me through this and for you honest advice and support. I am a mental and emotional wreck right now and you guys are really helping me!

I am still thinking about Mr.Y but I am starting to see the side of him that I didn't see before our last phone call. I have been communicating with Lisa a little bit online and hopefully we can continue to support each other through this hard time for both of us. I sent her an email and I want to paste it to you all so you can understand a little better:

---------------

Subj: Re: (no subject)
Date: 11/14/2003 8:41:22 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: MRS X 4 NOW
To: xxxxxxx

Hi Honey. yea it's hard but I need the honesty right now. Go back and read my thread "New Here" and you will see the latest in my soap opera.
Mr.Y was very upset and angry today when I told him that I mean it this time. NO MORE. Of course how I feel contradicts what I told him but I am going to stick to my guns. How I wish he would call me back and tell me that he is gonna come get me and we will run away together. All through the affair he always asked me if I would run away with him to the west coast. Of course I said no every time. Of course I really wanted to say yes. Of course I can't imagine dropping that bomb on my husband but there were times that I almost did! I just felt like telling my husband that I don't love him anymore and I love someone else. But I never did because deep down inside I don't think that is what I want. I think I don't want to hurt my husband, not that I don't want to be with Mr.Y. Right now the only reason why I am staying married is because I don't want to hurt husband, not because I *want* to stay married. I am hoping that after a few weeks of no contact with Mr.Y I will find more reasons to stay married. My husband really is a terrific guy. He is faithful and committed. He would never play head games with me the way Mr.Y does. He would never question my EVERY MOVE like Mr.Y does. I have a lot of freedom in my marriage. My husband never asks where I am what I am doing who I am with , etc. Mr.Y on the other hand just asks so many questions, and if I don't tell him, he gets agitated. Well I guess it's because he doesn't trust me. How could he, he is a liar & a cheat!
I am going to be honest here. When Mr.Y and I were still friends, he had feelings for me first. As soon as he realized I had the same feelings for me, instead of respecting my fears of taking our friendship to another level, he coaxed me into an emotional affair & then a physical one. I resisted for weeks at first, I couldn't eat or sleep because I felt so guilty that I had feelings for someone other than my husband. Mr.Y would ask me to meet him for coffee before work in the AM and I would decline and he would insist and I would meet him shaking all the while because I knew I was doing something wrong. I knew our friendship was developing into something that was totally inappropriate and beyond the boundaries of a typical friendship. However, I kept meeting him even though I knew it was wrong. He made me feel so good. He told me I was beautiful, listened to me talk, laughed at my jokes, liked the same music as me, had the same interests. My husband, although he thinks I am beautiful and makes me laugh and is faithful, has neglected my emotional needs for years, isn't very affectionate, thinks I am immature and hates my music and tells me that only idiots listen to that kind of music (alternative and metal, doesn't like to do almost all of the things I like to do. Mr.Y is in a similar situation. His wife stifles him a lot too. Although he claims they do have a lot of similar interests, she doesn't like the things that are most important to him. But I can't say for sure because I am not there with them. He could be full of crap. He pursued or better yet preyed on me, and now that I am pulling away he can't deal with it. He actually told me a few weeks ago he wants me in his life in case his marriage fails. Why so I can be his rebound girl? In case his marriage fails? Well that sounds to me that he is almost anticipating it failing. He told me that he isn't even sure he wants to stay married. Yet today our department went to lunch at a local restaurant for a party and he purposely sat across from me. My husband called my cell during lunch and Mr.Y knew it was him so he started talking about his wife to other people at the table and how they are redecorating the house and going to a Broadway show this weekend. Trying to make me jealous I suspect, and he did, of course. I don't want to hear about him painting THEIR bedroom; about how they went to furniture stores and will do so again this weekend. That was his way of making me jealous and seeing what I am missing out on. Well I have my own house with my own spouse! Yes I am jealous of his, but I have the same things!!
Well I had to be back to work at 1:30 and the entrees weren't delivered so I asked a different co-worker to bring my entree back to the office when they return. However, when I got back to work I was shaking and upset because I knew that if I was to get him out of my mind I would have to instill no contact immediately. I just didn't want to look him in the eye. He is such a manipulative jerk. I mean just b/c my husband calls me he has to make me jealous. Anyway my cellphone rings and he asks me where are you, why did you leave? And I told him none of his business, and he said I have your lunch, do you want to meet me and I'll give it to you? And I said no, you keep it. And he asked if I left work early cause of him. Self-centered [censored], egomaniac, narcissist!! I told him no and then I told him we cannot communicate AT ALL anymore, I can't talk to you anymore, don't call, don't email, don't IM, just leave me alone. I cannot have any type of relationship with you because it isn't good for me. As soon as we are together or just even IM or talk on the phone I slip right back into the insanity of the affair and lose my head. He said can't we talk about this? I said there is nothing left to say. No we can't. Well you can't just drop this on me, and I said well, I have to. I can't do it anymore and if you really care for me the way you say you do you will understand and leave me alone. He said "Bye MrsX" and hung up. I felt some relief for a second then I broke down and cried. Then my whole body hurt because I know this is it. I know that I cannot stay sane if I continue to communicate with him. I mentally and physically cannot do it anymore. Mr.Y has ruined me. He has destroyed my soul. He stole my marriage from me, he stole my dignity, my integrity and my identity. He ate them up and spit them out. Now he feels entitled to me and hasn't been able to accept the fact that I won't be in his life. He told me he just cannot deal with that. I think he can! I think he will be just fine, until the next MrsX enters his life. He is a total narcissist and I don't think he even understands what a marriage is and how to make it work. I will be surprised if he is still married in five years. If he is then it's only because he decided to look at himself and realize that he needs to put some effort into it and actually commit to his wife. But it seems that if he doesn't always get what he wants, he isn't happy. He is very sensitive and insecure and if his wife says something to him that he doesn't like he gets pissed. He did the same crap with me too. He can bust my chops and say things to me that I don't like and if I complain he says he was only joking. But if I joke with him or do or say something he doesn't like he gets mad at me, ignores me and then tells me he will talk to me when he "gets over it!". I think his life is all about HIM. How his needs can be met and what other people can do for him.

Anyway, I am in a real turmoil right now. I am still obsessed with him but I am just gonna lay low for a few days and hope that I can chill out. I am anticipating more contact from him even through all of this. HAHA. Well he will probably stew over the weekend and then I have to see his face on Monday at work. Lucky me. He is gonna give me dirty looks, desperate looks but we'll see how this pans out. Just pray I have the strength to resist if he does try to communicate with me!

--------------------

Beau, I don't know what to say except thank you! Your support and thoughtfulness means a lot to me. I am scared and confused and my H is coming home soon and we are going to have a nice talk. I cleaned the house up really nice for him and lit some scented candles. I want to focus on him for a change and see if we can make it. I want to see if I can find that love again that I know still exists inside of me for him. I am going to be strong as far as Mr.Y goes, and hopefully Monday at work I can keep the strength and concentrate on my work. I am definitely going to get another job asap. I am going to a few other headhunters on Monday and give them my resume. I need to do this. Even though Mr.Y is interviewing he admitted today he doesn't know if he really wants to leave the company and he thinks we will be ok working in the same place. HA! yea, right!!!
Anyway, I gotta get ready for H to come home.
Thanks so much for your prayers Beau, and everyone else who has taken the time to read my posts and cared enough to reply. I thank ALL of you!

MrsX

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

mrsx

My heart goes out to you for all the pain and suffering you are going through. Please, please, please talk to H. You must have NC with OM. Call in sick for a few days. Work on a plan with H to get out of that job ASAP and to start counseling.

If OM continues to violate your request for NC, perhaps you should contact his W NOT FOR REVENGE but because she deserves to know and take appropriate action.

Pray hard, I know I will

Beau

Mrsx,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband, although he thinks I am beautiful and makes me laugh and is faithful, has neglected my emotional needs for years, isn't very affectionate, thinks I am immature </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrsx, go back and reread the post you just made. Do you have a daughter?? Is she in HS yet? Does your conversation sound like two HS kids? It sure does to me. Your OM is typical of a very immature male with no feelings for anyone but what HE wants. He wants you, and he wants to use you, just as he used his W, but once he got her and married her, what did he do. He went looking for his next conquest. Is he guilt ridden about what he is doing to his W? No.

He is simply a teenage boy who needs to get smacked down really really bad. You are his toy and you are not mature enough to stop playing the game. It is a game. "Let's run away to the west coast", give me a break. Don't you have children? Don't you have a job? If you won't leave your job to save your marriage, why would you even consider doing it for an immature boy like OM?

But don't worry about a thing. You want to see your H change? Tell him the truth. You will see your H like you have never seen him. He will be checking up on your every move (you are right OM doesn't trust you, he knows you cheat). Your H will act very immature sometimes. You will see emotions you never knew he possessed. You may even see forgiveness and love like you never knew existed. Not the immature childish stuff you and OM are doing, but the deep love that comes through no matter the pain. Your OM won't even tolerate you not staying through a lunch without making you feel guilty. He gives you NOTHING but only takes.

Mrsx, men are trained to be certain ways and stable/steadfast is one of them. We are told women like that in a man and a father of their children. So we are. But, if you want your H to act like your OM, chase women, not worry who gets hurt, and then come home to you. I suspect with a little negotiation he can accomodate you, he can find some other woman that is attracted to him, he can woo her into sleeping with him. Is that what you like in a man?? Tell your H. He just might accomodate you. But, my guess is that he won't, because he is mature enough to know what he committed to. But you never know, if you really like men like OM, then I am sure your H has it within him to do it, it is only a question of getting around his morals. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Read that email you wrote and read it again. Read it as your parents would read it, as you would if it was written by one of your children. And then look in the mirror. You have a choice to make stay with a man that uses you, or a man that knows you ARE IMMATURE, but apparently loves you.

Mrsx, this stuff is really very very simple and your choices are really obvious. They are however not easy.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If I remember an earlier post, I could be your father, I was out of HS when you were born. So to me you ARE very very young.

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

^^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> ^^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hi Beau thanks for the bump.
JL: Excellent points as usual. I will address them tomorrow. And for the record, I don't have children; neither does Mr.Y

All:
Spoke w/H last night. Didn't tell everything yet, but did tell him that I have been involved w/Mr.Y from work for quite a while (I told him *everything* except the sex part which is going to be hard to do).

I know I shouldn't withhold info, but I just can't do it at this time.

I had a nice fun time w/H tonight....time for bed and i will tell more tomorrow.

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>