What was his reaction? Please, for GOD'S SAKE, do not withhold information from him. It is self defeating. That is your only hope and the ONLY way possible for him to EVER trust you again. Withholding is just another form of deceit. Please don't jinx your good works by screwing it up by withholding stuff. Your marriage will not recover unless and until it all comes out.

And it will come out. If it comes in dribs and drabs, every single drib will put him back to DAY ONE of recovery and every scrap that leaks out will further ERODE any possible chance of regaining trust. It is better to just suck your gut in and give him the whole shebang in ONE SHOT and get it over with so you can start recovering. It is the only hope you have of regaining his trust again.

He must know MORE than the OM about this and can't ever trust you as long as you and the OM know things that he is not privy to. Don't prolong the pain because you are afraid to tell him the truth.

Dear mrsx -

I know this is hard for you. Know that you are struggling, and that this is a learning process for you.

I agree with everything the others have said - OM is selfish and immature, manipulative, and controlling. Like JL said, he is using you like a toy - he even admitted himself that he wants you around "in case his marriage fails". OM lives in a world where its OK to throw away any principles just to get what you want when you want it, and not having what he wants when he wants it makes him mad. It follows on from that that when he doesn't want you anymore, he will throw you away, just like he has cheated on his wife, when he finally gets tired of you. You are finally getting some idea that this is the kind of person he really is, not your romantic fantasy of who you thought he was.

Now - to your husband. All the way through here, you have said over and over that your husband is a wonderful man, kind, devoted, faithful, makes you laugh, tells you you're beautiful (appreciates you), he's like this perfect guy in the background, but always in the background. All your thoughts have been so focused on the OM, that your H is like this perfect husband, almost a cardboard stand-up husband waiting patiently in your house, totally clueless as to what you have been doing out of his sight.

First, I'd suggest that he is not totally clueless as to what you have been doing. Given how much you have thought about OM, what you have done together, how much time you have spent together, etc., I would think that unless your H was away at sea in the Navy, he would have to have noticed something - especially if he loves you and has known you for 10 years. He may not know WHAT has been up with you, but he will certainly have noticed something different about you.

Well - like JL said - it may be that he has all those good qualities that men nurture in themselves in order to try to be the best people they can be. But he is a human being, and until you start looking at him as a human being, not as an object, you don't have a chance at having a real relationship with him. You have many times said "Why am I jealous of someone else's H, when I have my own H at home!" That's on a par with saying "I don't know why I should be jealous of her sofa, when I have a perfectly good sofa of my own at home!" You talk about him as if he were an object that you own - he's yours and you have a right to own him, because you're married. You take it for granted that your sofa will still be parked in your living room when you get home from work every day.

Well - you know, you never thought YOU would cheat. And you haven't been paying any attention to your H lately. What makes you think HE wouldn't cheat? Because you know he isn't that kind of person? He, and you, never thought you would be that kind of person either. It may be that he could just as easily cheat on you, if you aren't meeting his needs (and you aren't).

You've reached the point where you are starting to be aware that OM is not who you thought he was, and that you have let yourself and your H down big-time. What you need to do now is start looking at your H as a person, and not just an object. He sounds like a nice object, the way you describe him - but not someone with emotions of his own and ways of dealing with the world that you like. You have said a couple of things about him that you didn't like (he is not affectionate, he doesn't like your music and is disrespectful in the way he says he doesn't like it, you don't like the way he has criticized your spending habits) - these are all things you need to work on in your marriage. These are all things that CAN be worked on in a positive way, if you both make the effort. These things cannot be worked on in a positive way, if you remain in contact with the OM, because your relationship with the OM was your way of running away from exactly those things.

Once you stop running away from those things, and are willing to work on things with your H, then you will find it easier to cease contact with the OM. In order to work on those things, you will have to look long and hard at yourself, too. You said your H criticized you for your spending habits, but you just shine him on and do what you want. I think if you are married, he has a right to have a say in how you spend what is a joint income, unless you have a financial agreement that gives you sole rights over the money you make from your job. Equally, you have a right to have a say in how he spends money. Fair is fair.

Hopefully, you will be able to start the long, hard process of negotiating with your H towards a loving relationship where both your needs are met, and you are fair, honest and respectful of each other. That's hard when trust has been destroyed.

The others have urged you to be totally honest up front, and not hold anything back. I agree. Be prepared for him to be angry and hurt like you have never seen before. And afterwards, be prepared to be totally transparent with him for a VERY long time, if you stay together. That means, you give him access to your cell phone, you give him access to your e-mail accounts, both at work and at home, you give him all your IM info, you may even agree to have software installed on your computer so he can check up on you whenever he wants to. This is the price you will have to pay for cheating on him. This is usually the only way to regain the trust of a BS, and its not unreasonable of him to want this. It might even help if you offered this instead of him having to ask for it.

Anyway - I wish you the best in recovering your life. I know that if you are serious about ending your affair, you will get a lot of help here that you won't find anywhere else. Good luck.

LIR

mrsx

Your headed in the right direction. I want to emphasize a couple of points.

1) NO CONTACT

mrsx

Your headed in the right direction. I want to emphasize a couple of points.

1) NO CONTACT - resign, call in sick, tell OM's wife, have H call OM, call boss and explain situation. But, don't have any contact not even visual contact. You'r too weak at this point and will quickly fall back into the affair.
DO YOU HEAR ME!!!

2) HONESTY - tell H everything. He will respond better if he knows the truth from you than if he finds it out from another person. He will think you are lying and will not trust you.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> mrsx

Your headed in the right direction. I want to emphasize a couple of points.

1) NO CONTACT - resign, call in sick, tell OM's wife, have H call OM, call boss and explain situation. But, don't have any contact not even visual contact. You'r too weak at this point and will quickly fall back into the affair.
DO YOU HEAR ME!!!

2) HONESTY - tell H everything. He will respond better if he knows the truth from you than if he finds it out from another person. He will think you are lying and will not trust you.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must go back to work tomorrow as my financial situation is in disarray. By getting involved w/Mr.Y I delved into another compulsive behavior - shopping. At this point I must make money and pay off my credit cards. I have cried all the tears I am going to cry for Mr.Y; at this point it is about rebuilding my life and hopefully my M.

My boss knows that I have marital problems (nothing about Mr.Y) and he has been giving me lots of time off to deal. I have taken a total of 3 weeks in the past 2 months because of this situation.

If Mr.Y approaches me I will tell him to leave me alone or I will report him to HR for harrassment. I am looking for another job in the meanwhile.

I have told H about the A. At this point he knows all the details regarding the Emotional A. Tonight I am going to try to bring up the subject of the sexual part. I have to tread lightly so I can see how he is going to deal with it. Selfish on my part? Maybe but I don't want to give him too much at once. I am committed to giving him 100% of my attention and affection and efforts, but the sexual info. might have to wait a while. I probably will bring him to my therapist (she is a trained marriage counselor) and we can sit together and speak of it then. I want to see her first and get suggestions on how to bring it up since she knows him pretty well. (He has sat in a few times pre-A).

I am cooking him a nice dinner tonight and I put on my skimpiest negligee. I am going to treat him to a really great night alone together and afterward we will talk some more over coffee.

Beau, Everyone, I am going to do the right thing here. I am not going to get sucked back into the depths of the fog (I am starting to see a bit clearer already). The worst of the A is over and I really think that I will put all my effort now into the M.

Stay with me folks!! THANKS SO MUCH.

We are with you mrsx.

If I were your husband, I would want you to tell me about the sexual part of the affair in private.
You are about to kick him in the groin. Show some compassion.

Beau

Mrsx:
HONESTY!!!
You MUST be honest with your husband - and you ARE NOT!!!!!

You told him you are having an EA. Then when you feel "comfortable" you are going to tell him it was a PA. Then what.....

By withholding the truth you are making it harder for him to trust to you. YOU are doing this to yourself. Tell him the WHOLE truth and Nothing But The Truth.
DB

Simple:
(I know not so simple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">send a no contact letter if you haven't already</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have your husband call OM and tell him to "lay off"(no pun intended) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /></font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let your H be your hero</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">get into counseling if you are not all ready</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find a good MFC for the two of you</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you know what to do you've heard it over and over</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

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</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find a place where you can grieve and learn about the process of grief</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

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</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get into a 12 step program with a sponser</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do it</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do it</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you wanted this to be over it would be over</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lastly tell your husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H

JL

That was some excellent advice that you gave Mrsx.
I only know her from the WEBSITE but I can tell that she is trying so hard, just as I am. Sometimes the cold reality of the facts hits us hard in the face but we need you keep on doing that for us!!!!

Thanks

MrsX

I hope that you are still hanging in there!! sorry for the duplicated email that I sent you. My home computer is as psycho as I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ! I've been catching up on some of the posts since Friday. Looks like you have been given some excellent advice. Advice that I need to take as well.

Let me know how your doing??

have you told him?
when are you going to tell him?
H

Mrs X,
I just read all of your thread today. I wish I had noticed it sooner. You have gotten excellent advice from may people especially Just Learning. (I am the BS and Just Learning really helped me cope way back when)

Many people have said send a NC letter but unless I missed it you haven't. You are attempting to go "NC" on the OM but the NC letter may give it the finality that OM needs to understand that it really is over. Who knows maybe you already know that and are unsure you truely want the finality. Had you sent it earlier you would have a teanie tiny piece of evidence to show your H that you really are ending it.

I'm sure it's an understatement to say that your H is probably going through hell. It will be awhile before he can realize it but after all of your dumb, self-centered, childish behaviour you actually did something mature and posative toward the relationship. You told him the truth. Believe it or not this will in time help your H trust you again. My W chose a different path she lied every step of the way. From the "we're just good friends" to "well we do talk on the phone alot" to "yes I guess based upon the definition at MB it was an EA, but just an EA" to finally "yes I'm ashamed to say it was also a PA."

Please don't stop with the truth of the EA. He needs to know everything.
You said.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At this point he knows all the details regarding the Emotional A. Tonight I am going to try to bring up the subject of the sexual part. I have to tread lightly so I can see how he is going to deal with it. Selfish on my part? Maybe but I don't want to give him too much at once. I am committed to giving him 100% of my attention and affection and efforts, but the sexual info. might have to wait a while. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said that you might tell him a the IC's office.

Take the advice from someone who knows it is better to tell him now. My W couldn't do it he she eventually came clean about the EA but lied about the PA. A year's worth of recovery was a false recovery.

Here's a little advice on telling him about the PA. As I did he may ask for detail re: the sex. Respond by saying that you are more than willing to share anything and everything about the A. Some people can handle the details others can't. I asked for them but now wish that I hadn't. Harley advises BS not to make rash decisions when emotionally ramped up over the discovery of an A. I believe the same idea also works for the details. When your H has calmed down a bit he may decide that he doesn't want the explicit details. He will, however, want to know all about the other R: the facts (when, where & how) as well as the why's. The more forthcoming you are the better. Never say or think," that info. is just between me and the OM."

One more typical WS mistake to identify. Most WS get to the point where they really are over the OP and do not want to talk about them or the A. They want the BS "to get over it because I'm over it." This may not happen in your case because you and your H are both at the same stage of recovery. You'll be going thru withdrawal and dealing with the ugliness of the OM at work and your H will be dealing with the discovery issues.

Hopefully your H chooses the road to recovery with you by his side.

cwmac

Thanks to all who posted today. You people are just awesome!!

It was kinda easy to avoid Mr.Y as he left the office at 9:30 this morning and hasn't been back. I know he checked to see if I was online a few times but I blocked him so he couldn't see.

I am really going thru withdrawl. I know it's wrong but I miss him. At the same time the post by cwmac hit me hard. Telling H about the PA...how can I do it? I am crying thinking about it. I don't want to. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have some work to finish up here and I am leaving in 40 minutes. When I get home this evening I will post more, just wanted to thank everyone for being here for me.

Nobody WANTS to. YOU HAVE TO.

You are just continuing in a lie that WILL NOT HELP the situation whatsoever.

Tell him the PA part tonight. Then it's over and you can breathe again.
DB

Telling your H about the PA won't be any fun. You're right about that. It will be hard. You said.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At the same time the post by cwmac hit me hard. Telling H about the PA...how can I do it? I am crying thinking about it. I don't want to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W didn't want to do it either. As my signature line says she put it off for 18 mos after my DDay of the A and 24 mos after tha actual start of the PA portion.

Just remember there are two types of lies commission and ommission. Now that the truth of the EA is out your H will ask questions. You may have to lie to cover the PA or your silence may be the lie of ommission.

I don't know that there is a right way or wrong way to tell your spouse that the A was P. My W woke me up at 4:00am. after she read several chapters of "Not Just friends" I think the reading gave her strength to know that we weren't going to recover until all secrets were disclosed so that true intimacy could have a chance to return to our relationship.

My situation is different because my W never admitted to anything until the irrefutable evidence was on the table in front of her. Her telling me about the P was the first time she approached me with the truth but in a way it was the same pattern because I had had enough circumstantial evidence to be fairly sure that a PA had occurred. I think I finally wore her down and she knew that there was no hope for the M unless she could begin to restore the trust by telling me the truth.

She finally took a huge leap of faith that I wasn't going to leave her. Or maybe I did just wear her down and she couldn't live with the guilt anymore. Maybe that was why it took her so long. She needed to see my behaviour as truely changed. Who knows? She did say she waqs never more scared in her life.

In the long run she should have told me sooner because we would be 18 months into recovery now instead of just 3-4 months.

Next time you post tell us how your husband has reacted to the EA and (hopefully) the PA news. As a WS you need to learn to empathise with your H feelings. If he feels empathy and remorse from you it will help him a great deal.

Good luck tonight. I know you are going to do the right thing.

cwmac

MrsX, just what EXACTLY did you tell your H? Why do I have this feeling that you told him so little that he really doesn't understand what is going on?

mrsx

I want you to know that I am thinking of you and H and praying that you come clean and tell the whole truth.

Beau

Mrsx.

How are you doing today? I hope things are well, or if you did tell your H the truth that you and he are discussing rebuilding your marriage.

God Bless

JL

MrsX
I ditto the sentiment from Just Learning. If you've told him you may feel like you are in crises mode and may want to call MC and see if they can take you sooner.

Hi Folks!
I haven't told H about the PA yet. I am going thru terrible withdrawl from Mr.Y. I am very depressed right now and just can't do it. I need more time. I know darn well I am holding up my H's recovery by withholding information but I am just too messed up right now trying to deal with these feelings.
Maybe I'm not being honest with myself but right now it just HURTS so much. I miss Mr.Y a lot! Today was an especially hard day for me. I miss his friendship and companionship. I feel lost.
I don't feel weak like I would go back into the abyss of the A in fact the desire to do so isn't even present. I just want to sort out my feelings and see my therapist first. I see her 7am Thursday.
Thanks all for being here for me. I am not trying to play a game, here. I will let you all know Thursday evening how everything went.