M, I don't understand what you just wrote at all. What is it that you are saying?
I already admitted openly that I don't know if I love my husband, I have been trying to figure it out but I really have no clue. I don't even know if I care about him. I told him that too. Maybe it was horrible but I wanted to finally tell him the truth. This has nothing to do with mr.y as long before I even met mr.y I have felt this way about my H. H is the one questioning my love for him and he has every right to. If I really loved him I wouldn't have done what I did. I know he loves me and I am the worst wife. This will either make or break our marriage. now when we finally do talk about it when he is ready to, we both need to decide what we really want to do with the rest of our lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortimer:
<strong> MrsX

Having read all your posts, I can't imagine why you would question your love for your husband. If you don't, you dang sure fooled me into thinking you did.

Fog.

M. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Mrs X,
This time last year I was in your exact position. I was pretty sure I didn't love my husband either--but after the A was exposed, I agreed to work on the marriage. (Mostly for the sake of family and our years together)
Things were pretty rough for a while...but they are getting better as each day goes by. And have been much better in recent weeks.

And I am so glad I didn't leave him for the OM. If you want to try to save your marriage, your love for your husband can be rekindled...my marriage is proof of that! Diane

And by the way, you are to be commended for telling him. That had to take a tremendous amount of courage!

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
<strong> M, I don't understand what you just wrote at all. What is it that you are saying?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Ya ya blah blah blah (take that as a smart@ss remark but said with a s@@@eating grin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Lets take a look. I'll comment as we go.

"My husband is a terrific guy"

Alrighty then.

"I know that I have a good man so I stayed because I don't want to hurt him and I do love him"

Say again Houston... didn't quite copy that.

"I never dreamed I would cheat on him."

I wonder why <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

"Well a few months ago we both started feeling horrible about what we were doing because it is just so wrong"

All because of a marriage certificat? Who knew?

"Neither one of us can just leave our spouses because they are both wonderful people who don't deserve that."

Why not? No love here.. nope.

"My marriage will be over instantly, and I don't think that is really what I truly want to happen."

Well so far the instant part hasn't panned out. Why dontcha want it to happen? Feel sorry for him? Thats it?

"And I guess I am of the mindset that if my H doesn't know it won't hurt him"

Who does it hurt? And why's that?

"So basically I have 2 issues I am dealing with. 1) The A, 2) The issues in my M that are straining our relationship."

The loveless relationship?

"I am TRYING. I really am."

WHY?

"I want my life back and I want some peace of mind that no matter how this pans out, I did the right thing in the end."

The relationship in which you no longer/never love/ed "him"?

"I am so scared!"

I would be too, but again (sorry for repitition) why? Because you might not have him anymore? Because your chances of maintaining a marriage with OM are practicaly nil? Because you might end up a cheater married to a cheater? How icky is that?

"I have over 10 years of good and bad times with H and that is what is really more important to me right now I think. At least it should be and I am working hard on realizing that. "

No love there... Not even a foundation! I just can't see it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

"I am not refusing to tell my husband to string him along. I am really afraid of his reaction."

Understandable. See above.

"I cannot believe I let myself get into this mess. i hate myself right now. My poor husband. I want so desperately to turn the calendar back to the beginning of the year!"

Oh c'mon now! Since you don't love him, surely you'd convince yourself to do the same thing all over again. Woudln't you?

"He was always the one that made me laugh, my best friend, my love and my everything."

O.K. You don't love him. Right (do you detect a little sarcasm here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"I really don't want to lose it (M) or my H."

I coulda left it to just this one ya know.

"The worst of the A is over and I really think that I will put all my effort now into the M.

All because of your lack of love for your husband. Or are you just in love with being married?

"i don't know if i DO love him and how i can go about trying to love him and making this marriage work"

Horse Pucky.

"Whatever he wants me to do is ok too, when he is ready I will do whatever it is he wants."

Ahhh.. now here's a gem. This is a sure fire example of a lady who does not love her husband.

Fog MrsX. Fight the Fog. It's BLATANTLY obvious from an outside perspective that you do indeed love your husband. NC and work will help you see that.

I do hope you're husband is willing to give it a go. And I wish you the best. YOU CAN DO IT.

M.

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 02:56 AM: Message edited by: Mortimer ]</small>

You have some valid points there, Mortimer.
One day Mrs X loves her husband and the next day she says she never did!

And Mrs X what a terrible shame, with all your good intentions. you are meeting and having sex with the OM again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I am praying for you, dear, that this FOG of deception will lift from your heart and you can once again love your hubby as you once did!)

This part is for Sonofwf, Beau. You wrote to Sarie:
"Why don't you back out of the conversation with mrsx until you have told your H?"

I can't believe I am defending a WW, but her message was understanding to Mrs. X's situation.
You have no right to tell her to stay out of the conversation whether she has told her husband or not.
It seems she is getting closer and the affair has STOPPED. (Thank God for all involved!)

If Mrs X was offended in anyway by what Sarie wrote (and I don't think she would have been) then it is SHE who should request no more posts from Sarie and not you, Beau!)
Julie Jo

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

M & JJ:

Thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies in my posts. I should go back and read this whole thread to see what I was feeling thru the past month or so.

I guess the truth is I don't know how I feel. I just don't.

A new day and H still doesn't want to talk. OK I understand but I feel like this is worse than if he were to freak out on me.

I wasn't offended by Sarie's post, in fact I am so sorry but I didn't even see it. I just read it now and it wasn't offensive or inappropriate. Thanks Sarie for your support. I can't offer any advice, obviously, but I wish you the best, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mrs X
My husband didn't want to talk about it either...which really caused our recovery to get off to a very SLOW start.

Like you, I stayed in contact with the OM for a few months....

Maybe you need to print the questionaires...or write him a letter....just communicate with him somehow. Writing notes helped us!

Also, show him lots of affection (I know, your affection is for OM-remember I've been there)!But if you show him in non-verbal ways that you care, you will begin to care more yourself.

You wrote:

"I guess the truth is I don't know how I feel. I just don't."

I want you to know that feeling that way is the way most of us FWW felt in the beginning. You have classic feelings-and it is not hopeless. You can change, so can he and with enough time you will know for sure--and my bet is that you do love your husband!!

Keep reading and posting--it sure has made a difference in my life.
Diane

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>

Diane thank u so much!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx you have to remember that your H is a man and the way we men deal with shocking news is very different than the way women do it. He probably wants to be by himself to evaluate the situation and get control over his emotional state. Please don't try to intrude on his space at this moment but be available for him when he finally expresses a desire to talk to you. I must warn you though that as long as you continue to have contact with the OM, anything you say about wanting to work on saving the marriage will have a very hollow ring to it, and will just confirm your H's suspicions that the marriage is dead. Even if you are undecided about your feelings for your H, it would still be a good idea for you to write a no contact letter to the OM, show it to your H, and have him deposit it to your nearest mailbox. And have your H contact the OM's W to tell her about the affair for there is no better way to have the OM leave you alone if his BW knows about his affair with you. Doing these things you buy some time and postpone any life altering decisions until the two of you are absolutely sure what is in your mutual best interests.

MrsX

So, your still seeing OM, don't know what to do? Well, stop. If you don't, your just torturing yourself. Why keep it up? Really, it's having your cake and eating it too, at hubby's expense no? You seem to be very afraid of losing what "appears" to be a good man to what? A a worm willing to bust up two marriages? A relationship thats statisticly doomed to fail? Gimme a break, your not stupid.

Actually, you strike me to be a very intelligenct person. One who's made a big mistake. One who wants to do right. You've shown that you have (at least) the character to know what you need to do. Your willpower may falter but sheesh, buy a fan or something, this Fantasy Fog is going to ruin you if it hasn't already.

Look, your hurting your self and your husband, like it? (duh). Would you willingly sink a kitchen knife into your husbands back? Why not? It would hurt much less.

Mrs X,
I am proud of you for telling your H. (I wish you had listened to Just Learning and TMCM and told him back in November when you said you were going to. oh well) Now your M at least has a chance to recover because the truth is out there and you and your H will need to deal with the A.

So what is your plan? Do you have one? Are you going to be a fence sitter? Run back and forth between two men?

I say this with all the kindness in the world that a friend would say to a true friend "grow up!" The keyword in an A is "selfishness" You need to decide that you are going to end this selfish behaviour.

Over the past month since your first post on November 11 you have gotten some great advice. You talked about implementing it but either you didn't or when you tried NC on your own you wnt thru withdrawal and recontacted.

Back on 11/11 Just Learning recommended that you buy the book Surviving An Affair by Harley. Did you ever buy it? My guess is no.

TMCM has given tons of great thoughts. The most recent deals with your H's reaction to the news of the PA. Men do process things differently. They go off to their "cave" and process all of the information unlike women who want to discuss it in order to work through it. He may also be in shock. Do not take his reaction as an indication that he doesn't love you or want to be married to you!! It may take several days before he approaches you with additional questions or thoughts.

TMCM also said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't try to intrude on his space at this moment but be available for him when he finally expresses a desire to talk to you. I must warn you though that as long as you continue to have contact with the OM, anything you say about wanting to work on saving the marriage will have a very hollow ring to it, and will just confirm your H's suspicions that the marriage is dead. Even if you are undecided about your feelings for your H, it would still be a good idea for you to write a no contact letter to the OM, show it to your H, and have him deposit it to your nearest mailbox. And have your H contact the OM's W to tell her about the affair for there is no better way to have the OM leave you alone if his BW knows about his affair with you. Doing these things you buy some time and postpone any life altering decisions until the two of you are absolutely sure what is in your mutual best interests.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Woman, that paragraph succintly gives you your survival plan. I would add one item: call a marriage counselor today and get an appointment asap!!

One more thought. An affair has been described as being similar to an addiction. Researchers know that the brain is (dis)functioning in simiar patterns. Have you ever known anyone with an addiction? They like to find enablers. People who are going to be easy on them. Several have posted to your thread. Ignore them. They will talk about how they can relate to you withdrawal pain etc etc. That will take your eye off the ball/goal of breaking the addiction.

Now that your H knows about the A, he will be watching you to see whether your actions follow your words. The best thing to do is exactly what TMCM has advised tell your H that you need his help. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Send the NC letter today. Have your H call the OM's W today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish you well. I don't mean to be ugly but I know the addictive behaviour.

cwmac

To all of the enablers out there, especially Lisa R and Sarie,
You may want to post little thoughts about how you can relate to Mrs X's feelings of withdrawals because that is what you are feeling, or have felt , or might feel if and when you have the guts to actually tell your BS the truth. I won't tell you not to but I'd ask that you please don't because she needs some strength right now. Tell her she's doing a great job and she can make it. She needs to hear support like that from diane 1223 who wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want you to know that feeling that way is the way most of us FWW felt in the beginning. You have classic feelings-and it is not hopeless. You can change, so can he and with enough time you will know for sure--and my bet is that you do love your husband!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By the way, I have to respond to a rather disingenious comment from Blessed TIME who said in response to SonofWF's call for the enabler Sarie to give it a rest: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You have no right to tell her to stay out of the conversation </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh and you do have the right to tell him what to say???? Hello...he doesn't have the right to express his opinion with the sincere desire to help Mrs X. Who made you the board police?

as always,
cwmac

Mrsx

I know this is a terribly hard time for you and H. He is in shock and needs you to be supportive and honest with him. Be there for him now and help him to express his feelings and to understand what has happened. He will be angry and hurt. Let him talk and answer his questions honestly. Just be with him. Don’t defend or justify your behavior.

I hope you will stop all contact with OM now that the affair is exposed. You’re on again off again feelings about H are totally driven by the affair. Before the affair you and H were happy – remember? The feelings you have for OM are not based on truth and honesty and real love but are based on lies and deception and betrayal. OM said all along that he was not going to leave his wife. So why continue to hurt your H, yourself and OMs W? She may not know the details but she knows that something is very wrong with her marriage.

Put your energies into restoring your marriage and all of the love and happiness you and H experienced in the past will return and your marriage can be restored. Many couples say that their marriages are stronger, happier, fuller, and more loving than before the affair. You can do this!

Beau

I copied this post for you from another person and hope that you will find some answers.

Merry Merry

Beau

BrokenButNotCrushed
Member
Member # 4995

posted March 30, 2000 01:29 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friends,
I think Dr. Harley's principles of marriage are great, in fact, his is the best systematic approach to the subject that I know of. But no one paradigm can fully explain something as complicated as infidelity. I have shared the information that follows with both betrayers and betrayeds, and it really seemed to help them better understand the internal struggle of a WS. I hope that it helps you, too!

Oftentimes, the behavior of a WS who is trying to break it off with the OP is conflicting and contradictory. Their choices may even make it seem as if they are two different people. This is very confusing and hurtful to both the WS and his/her spouse. But, as irrational as the WS's actions may seem, there are reasons for everything they are doing. It's just that many of their motivations are under the surface and may even be hidden from them.

An affair is a form of addiction, and it can drive people to make terrible choices. The explanation that follows is actually written to the WS, but it can also help their spouse to understand the process which generates the conflicting behavior...

Human beings are shaped like triangles when it comes to decision making. The two bottom corners of the triangle are our sources of input. Let's call them Thinker and Feeler. Thinker is your rational mind. Feeler is your emotions. Each has access to your five senses and memories. At the top of the triangle is Will. Will evaluates the input of Thinker and Feeler, but the ultimate decision is always made by Will.

Whenever a situation calls for a decision to be made, Thinker sends its input up to Will. Feeler does as well. Will evaluates the strength of each of the inputs and makes a decision accordingly. Thus, if presented with the dessert tray at a restaurant, Thinker might send, "You don't need the extra calories. Pass it up. On a scale of 1-10, intensity 6." Feeler smells the chocolate fudge and responds, "I have to taste that! On a scale of 1-10, intensity 9." Will receives both inputs and chooses to order the fudge because Feeler's input was stronger.

For most situations in life, the above process occurs without conscious effort. And, for the most part, the process works well. Every once in a while, though, it leads us down the wrong path. To get back on the right path, we need to change the process.

Over the years, unresolved issues most likely built up in the marriage, and your Feeler began sending increasingly strong signals to Will that something had to change. Initially, Thinker kept sending, "I must have my needs met within the marriage." And so, Will chose to side with Thinker.

With each time that Will took Thinker's advice and your needs still went unmet, Feeler yelled louder and Thinker became less certain that your needs would be met in the marriage. Inexorably, the point was reached where Feeler's "Yes!" became stronger than Thinker's "No!" From that moment forward, you slid down the slippery slope of the road to adultery.

Every now and then, your Thinker would get a boost from your conscience, the Bible or some other source that stiffened its resolve. For a short while, you would decide to not see the OP. Your Thinker sent a message to Will that this behavior cannot be tolerated. But, by then, Feeler was stuck on a 10 intensity. Sooner or later, Thinker lessened its input, and you slid back down the road again.

The issue on which Feeler is a solid 10 is whether to continue the affair, and to continue to experience the emotional rush that it offers. On other issues, Feeler's input may vary greatly. A person with a well-developed sense of right and wrong will inevitably experience great remorse and guilt over their betrayal of their spouse and their rebellion against God. On this issue, Thinker and Feeler may be in perfect agreement: "What I am doing is wrong! I should feel guilty." You therefore will go through periods when you experience terrible guilt and remorse. But because this issue is separate from whether to continue the affair, the guilt does not empower you to stop the affair, only to wistfully want to.

And so you, the WS, are trapped in a hideous vicious cycle. You know you should stop the contact. For a while, you muster the strength, but inevitably, you are drawn back again. You then experience with the OP the emotional rush that you have come to crave from the affair, and that is lacking in marriage. But after your need is satiated, the guilt and remorse kick in once more and the cycle repeats. It seems that there is no escape, and sooner or later the process may destroy your marriage and even push you to the brink of suicide.

If this sounds familiar, then you're halfway home! Half the answer is recognizing and understanding the nature of the addiction. I will now share the other half... how to resolve your internal conflict. The answer assumes that you already have a personal relationship with God. If you don't, but would like to, please let me know and I'll share how...

The best way to break out of this cycle is to change the process. God gave you free will. It was the most expensive gift in the universe (God gave it knowing that it would cause all the sin in the world, plus the suffering and death of Jesus). Nothing, not even your emotions, can ever rob you of your free will.

Will can always choose what to do. It may be hard, especially when a pattern has been established. But you never lose accountability for your choices, and you never lose the power to choose.

At times, it may truly seem that you are powerless. You are not. It only seems that way because you have not yet correctly understood how to alter the process of your decision making.

God will never allow you to become powerless against a sin. Deception may cause you to believe you are powerless, and as long as you believe that lie, you will be helpless. Recognize the deception, and you will see that the way out was there all along. So that you can be sure what I am saying is true, consider these words from Paul's letter to the Corinthians:

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able; but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." I Cor. 10:13.

Here is the way of escape from this sin:

1. Recognize and accept that emotions lie. We cannot trust them to know what is best for us.

2. Believe that you have not lost your free will (Will is still in control of your decision making).

3. Will must choose to act on what you KNOW to be true from the word of God, and to disregard Feeler's input.

4. Accept that it is not at all necessary for your feelings to change in order for Will to choose to do what is right. When Feeler screams, "10! 10! 10!," Will replies, "I understand that is what I am feeling, but I choose to follow the Word of God anyway."

Your prior efforts failed, in part, because Feeler still wanted the emotional high from the affair. When you tried to break things off and make it work with your spouse, Feeler didn't feel better! You were allowing a temporary surge from Thinker to override Feeler. Once the intensity of Thinker was depleted (it always will be sooner or later) your Will once again bowed to Feeler, whose intensity had not decreased at all.

The way out is completely different. Choose what to do (i.e. no contact with the OP)independent of input from Thinker or Feeler. Then it doesn't matter what input Feeler sends, the decision has already been made!

I don't mean to make light of the effort involved in this. While the answer is surprisingly simple, it will take great steadfastness to carry out. But here's the reason you will be successful: It's not Feeler against Thinker anymore. You are placing all your hope and trust in the Word of God, and that Rock is able to withstand any onslaught of emotions.

Consider Jesus' reference to the farmer and his plow (Luke 9:62). When a farmer wants to sow his seed in straight lines, he keeps them straight by fixing his gaze on a distant object. If he takes his eyes off the object to look back, he will wander off course and ruin his field.

Jesus is the distant object on which you are to set your sights. The plow is the Word of God. You walk forward into the future, day by day, toward Jesus (the farmer can look back, but he can never go back into the past). As you travel forward each day, your Will sows seeds (your deeds). Will must set its hands on the Word of God and never turn back. Feeler can look back, Thinker too. But as long as Will does not look back (reconsider its decision to be led only by the Word of God on this issue) you will sow your seeds in straight lines (you will act righteously). You will no longer ruin your field (your testimony). You will be fit, as Jesus said, for the kingdom of heaven.

To further stengthen your resolve, consider the battle that is being waged around you spiritually. Satan came to steal, kill and destroy. He wants to steal all the meaning from your life, kill your relationship with your spouse and kids, and destroy everything you have done for God. (Read that sentence again). He's found a way to deceive and ensnare you, and has walked you to the very edge of the precipice. TURN BACK NOW!

I know your emotions seem to compel you down a certain path, but that path leads to death! Imagine it were possible (and it may be, soon) for a scientist to embed circuits in your brain that would produce a sensation of pleasure when you witnessed certain events. Now suppose this scientist were evil, and he decided to feed you pleasure whenever you saw your family tortured. To complete the picture, imagine that you are watching someone mutilate your family, and, to your horror, it feels fantastic! And there you are, with the power to make it stop, but you don't want to, because it feels so good.

Could you stand there and watch your family dismembered because it felt great emotionally?

Except for a bit of poetic license, that's what you are doing now...

...

If you're a WS, please don't think I'm judging you. My own beloved was horribly ensnared in this web of deceit and it practically tore her apart. Today, she is a whole woman again, at peace with God, me, and herself. I hope that what I have shared here will give you the understanding and willpower to break free, too.

Wishing the best for you,

BrokenButNotCrushed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrsx,

I thought I would offer you some thoughts. This being the Christmas season and all. I really liked Mort’s post to you. I think he pointed out some very important things for you to consider when talking with your H. I also think Coffeeman is right about your H withdrawing to think and lick his wounds. You have no idea what you have done. But, it is clear you have no idea who your H is either. I recall you expecting him to just blow up and end the marriage when he found out. Instead he is quiet, he is reflective, and he is deeply hurt.

You have also done your best to hurt him even more. You have NOT been honest with him, and you have tried to hurt him as much as possible. So, you may get your wish, you are surely trying to drive him away. I think it is brutally insensitive on your part, and just plain stupid, but people in the middle of an A do these things. I just hope you can live with what you have done. You have said a few things I thought I would respond to.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dazed 2long and Beau:
thanks for being here for me.
it's very dark here right now. i have continued to see mr.y for the past few weeks. i am not going into detail as u can figure it out yourselves. last night wasn't a good night for me emotionally, with the mixed feelings and guilt and fear and all, i was hysterical crying when H came home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really, why were you that way. You are doing precisely what YOU want to do; be with OM. It IS your choice. And it continues to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he asked what was wrong, i couldn't hold back any longer. i told him that i cheated on him. that i am still involved with OMM. i told him he isn't to blame that it isn't his fault. i told him that i never imagined this would happen to us. i asked him how much he wants to know, if he wants details or not. he said he didn't know yet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just once put yourself in his place. He has just found out from a hysterical W that she is cheating on him. Not HAS cheated on him, but IS cheating on him. What would you do or feel like if you came home from work to that news?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i asked him if he thinks we can survive this? if he wants to. he said he doesn't know anything right now. i asked him if he still loves me he said of course he always has and there should never have been any doubt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was this a surprise to you? That he loved you? Here is where you really need to some serious reading of the books mentioned here. You made serious misjudgement of your H and you had an A because of it. It was him via your misjudgment that lead to your affair.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he questions however, if i have ever loved HIM and if i do now. i told him i understand and he has the right to question that. i gave him the link to "Just Found Out" he said he will definitely look at it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, I hope he reads what is there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I went to bed and didn't go to work today. he woke up and was very silent and depressed looking he hugged and kissed me goodbye and went to work. i am very confused. i am scared. i don't know what is going to happen now. i don't know if i DO love him and how i can go about trying to love him and making this marriage work.
i want to know more about how he feels now and what the future holds </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you know the really sad part of this? It is not whether you love your H or not, but that you have been a lousy friend to him. If your best friends ever treated as you are and have been treating him , how would you feel?? How he feels??? You have no clue? I suspect you do, but of course you have never LOVED and COMMITTED right? Then, consider what it would feel like for your best friend to betray you AND then add the love and commitment factor in, and you may have some idea of what he feels right now. Lost, betrayed, belittled, disrespected, rejected, … The terms can just flow but they will not explain completely what he feels.

As several have said the future is in your hands unless, he decides to leave you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I already admitted openly that I don't know if I love my husband, I have been trying to figure it out but I really have no clue. I don't even know if I care about him. I told him that too. Maybe it was horrible but I wanted to finally tell him the truth.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know the cruelest thing you ever said to him was not “I am having an affair”, it was “I don’t know if I care about him.” Of all the things you have said and done, that is quiet simply the cruelest thing. You care about your friends don’t you? You care about people you work with don’t you? You care about hold HS acquaintances don’t you? But, you “don’t care “ for the man you married not even as a friend???

Good God woman, you cannot be that heartless.

Would you ever say that to anyone you knew and were friends with? You have no idea how deeply you have hurt him with those words. I wonder if someone came up to you at work and told you that if you would feel something. You need to very very carefully start to think and consider what you say, for not only do you run the risk of ending your marriage, you run the risk of creating a very very damaged man who will be your enemy for life. You had no call to say such a thing to him, and still live with him, share money, food, and housing with him.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This has nothing to do with mr.y as long before I even met mr.y I have felt this way about my H. H is the one questioning my love for him and he has every right to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrsx, blaming your bad decisions on your H and your love for him is NOT going to work. You made a commitment to him before family, friends, and probably God. Your love of him or not does not relieve you of that commitment. AT the very minimum, you should have divorced him IF you truly felt that way. You are lying to yourself. And as for Mry. not having anything to do with this, you are lying to yourself again. He has everything to do with this. The two of you made choices to violate your spouses and you two have done and excellent job.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I really loved him I wouldn't have done what I did. I know he loves me and I am the worst wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a classic WS statement. If you HAD commitment you would have NOT done this. Your love of H had a lot less to do with this decision than you are ready to admit. You made to go for the “feel good” and in order to do this you had to tear your H down. You have done a very effective job. Congratulations! &#61516;


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This will either make or break our marriage. now when we finally do talk about it when he is ready to, we both need to decide what we really want to do with the rest of our lives.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The marriage is broken, it is over. What needs to be decided is if YOU are going to commit to rebuild it. YOU have to make the first decision. YOU are going to have to face the truth about yourself and your actions and for that matter the OM’s actions. Then IF YOU decide your H gets to decide. If YOU don’t what he thinks will as usual NOT COUNT.

You don’t need to wait for him to talk. YOU need to start taking some actions. And one of them is to heal your friendship, not your love, with your H. You betrayed him as a friend BEFORE you betrayed him as your H.

Please think about what I have said. I am very glad you told him. It brings things out in the open where they can be addressed and decisions made, but YOU have work to do. Have you noticed that I have not really mentioned OM as an option?? There is a reason. I want to see the best for you happen and whether you and your H ever reconcile, the odds of you successfully having a good marriage with OM are very very small. You see all that passion your feel for OM, is NOT love. It is simply passion. He will cheat on you, he will be pulled by his family, he will fail you. How do I know? Because the statistics are hugely based toward the marriage failing if you two were to marry. Which suggests that these feelings you are using to gauge your love for your OM and not your H are false. The data is clear on this. Think about that as well.

God Bless,

JL

MrsX,
I missed your post to Mortimer but thankfully Just Learning saw and responded.

I can't believe the following:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I already admitted openly that I don't know if I love my husband, I have been trying to figure it out but I really have no clue. I don't even know if I care about him. I told him that too. Maybe it was horrible but I wanted to finally tell him the truth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm glad that this all about You and how You are feeling. So besides telling your H about your ongoing affair, You pick that particular moment in time to tell him that You are not sure You even "care" about him. I noticed you didn't use the word "love". You are either so heartless or you are still stuck in the adolescent egocentric world that most teenagers eventually grow out of. You said you're 30 are you sure it's not 18.

If this selfish behaviour doesn't stop soon, You will kill any chance of saving your M and as JL said you will do irreperable damage to your husband. Does he realy deserve that?

As to JL's description as to how your H feels:
"Lost, betrayed, belittled, disrespected, rejected," add one more utterly and completely humiliated

It almost feels as though you want the marriage to end. You are treating him with so much disrespect that You are hoping he decides to divorce You. That would be very easy for you. You wouln't have to make any tough decisions. You could always tell people that your H chose the divorce route.

I'm sorry if my words have an edge to them but I really can't believe that You are acting so disrespectful to a fellow human being let alone someone who promised "to have and to hold You thru sickness and health. For richer ; for poorer. To forsake all others............"

Actually, your post has done something good. It has made me thankful that You are not my W. I'm greatful for my W and her empathy and caring for me. I'm having enough trouble dealing with an affair that has been over for awhile. I don't think I could handle an ongoing affair from a self-centered, self-pitying wife, who by the way isn't sure she even cares for me!!!!!!!

cwmac

mrsx

How are you and H coping? Tell me what is going on so that we can help you.

Beau

Hi everyone. It's been a long time I guess and here I am back at MB. A lot has happened in the 2 months since I posted. I will try to go chronologically.

As you all know, I told H about A. I confessed a week before Christmas and at the same time did not end the A. OM freaked out when he found out hubby knew but insisted he still loves me, I should leave H, etc. etc. I was still so deep in the A that H knowing was of no consequence. Christmas eve I was with OM. Christmas day I spent 2 hrs on the phone with him. We agreed to stay away from each other only because we didn't want to get caught together, not because we thought ending the A would be a good idea. The emails and phone calls continued. The "i love you's" and "i miss you's" continued. OM stating he is gonna leave W. Me claiming my marriage is over. This lasted 2 weeks and we were together again.

H in the meantime (early Jan.), wanted to confront OM's W and tell her everything. I begged him not to. He went to therapy to me. I continued to lie. I convinced H that it was over with OM. I still continued contact w/OM. We claimed we loved each other and would do what we could to end up together.

H told me the only way he won't confront OM's W is if he quit his job. (if you remember, we work in the same department). OM told me to tell H to go to hell. He said he could tell her, it would be doing OM a favor and H an injustice, b/c if OM's W found out she would divorce him and he would just end up w/me anyway. I told OM to be reasonable. I wanted to protect the A more than anything else. If she found out, the A would end. I resented H for threatening to tell OM's W. I resented OM because he was able to maintain "normalcy" in his marriage.

In the meantime, OM & I continued contact all the while. Then I freaked out and told him to leave me alone. OM found another job and started this Monday. He asked if we could at least see each other until he started his new job. We continued to see each other all the way up till last weekend, when OM was telling me he loved me and was gonna leave her. He wanted to do something w/me for Valentine's Day.

Monday, when he started his new job I reminded him that we agreed to stop seeing each other when he started. I told him we need to cool it completely. He freaked out, kept saying no, and when I insisted, he got mad and hung up on me. I tried to call him back and speak about it, but he wouldn't answer. I waited a few days and then called him yesterday. I told him that it is the right thing to do to stop seeing each other and not to be mad at me. I told him to go and try to work on his marriage, acclimate himself to his new job, etc. etc. Of course in my mind I wanted him to tell me he is going to leave her and we would live happily ever after but I am starting to see that this is just a fantasy.

Now that he is gone from the company I hacked into his email account and read all his emails tha the exchanged w/his W. This made her more real to me. I cannot believe how he was able to be so "loving" and "sweet" to her in the emails, ending them w/XOXO and stuff like that. It upset me too b/c from what he told me they didn't get along at all. They planned parties, vacations together, etc. and it sickened me to read about it.

At the same time I think I might be starting to see the reality of this, that what we had wasn't "love" but just a secret life full of lies, deceit, fantasies and well bulls***.
In the meantime, in spite of the fact that I have continued to lie and deceive my H, in other ways I have done more for him than I have in a very long time. Cooking his favorite meals, paying attention to him, spending more time, etc., however, there is NOTHING backing up those actions. No love or desire of him. I completely lost myself in the A. I lost whatever I had in my M. I completely 100% neglected my M and put all my energy and attention into the A. So even when I try to connect w/H, I can't. Through all of this, H has remained loyal, sweet, and patient. Yet, I continued to lie and deceive. I continued to put all of my energy into the A. Right now I am thinking about OM. I feel sick to my stomach. I confessed all of this to H and of course it sickened him to hear it.


H still wants OM's W to know of the A, btw. I continue to try to convince him that it's not his business to tell her, that what happens in THEIR marriage is of no consequence to us. He knows I am just trying to protect OM. He told me that last night. I finally admitted to him that, yes, that is true, I am trying to protect OM. I am still very much involved in the A only now it's becoming more apparant to me that the A is more of a symptom of a serious problem with ME than anything resembling real love.

Right now I am so messed up. I continue to obsess over the A. I continue to obsess over OM. I cannot seem to focus at all on my M, except to wonder will I ever be able to get over OM/A and love my H again. Why do I continue to hang on to whatever it was OM & I had? It was basically nothing more than 9 months of lies, deceit and fantasy, yet I am so lost in it. I have lost whatever identity I have had. I allowed OM/A to DEFINE me. I feel like I can't get it out of my system. And a large part of me is waiting for him to call me telling me he is gonna leave her and we will live happily ever after.

How can I get over this fog? What is it gonna take for me to see the reality of the A and most importantly how can I get to the point where I WANT my M to work? Will I ever be able to love H again? Will I be able to let go of OM/A and get back my life?

Hi Mrs. X,

I am both glad and sad to read your post. You are now beginning to see the depth of the fog you are enveloped in, the deceit on the part of OM, and your duplicity in continuing to deceive your husband. The path you have chosen, in other words, is bearing all of its bad fruit.

You feel like all of your demonstrations of love for your husband are empty, and so they are. But you have rightly pinpointed the reason: because all of your "real" efforts were spent on OM with nothing left over for your husband.

The only way to get through this is to go through it, Mrs. X. You keep no contact complete and thorough and you allow your husband to let OM's wife know what is going on. I think you'll see just how little you really mean to Mr. Y once the affair is exposed to his wife. Reality has a way of helping us define which relationships are important to us and which are expendable.

Keep OM out of your picture. You will go through a withdrawal for some time. Your husband will need support as he sees you pining away for OM (please send him here). Others who have been in your shoes will reply and support you as you go through this. Trust in their words. Had you listened to some of them back in December, perhaps your story would be quite different now. Please listen.

Your feelings and love for your husband can return. Many on the board can attest to this. It will take time and effort on BOTH of your parts. But it will become real with the right amount of sun and water and TLC.

Hang in there.

Thank you snowbelle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I deleted all my email accounts that Mr.Y knows and changed my cell phone number today... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
i am soooo disenchanted right now about everything. i spoke to my therapist this morning and she is proud of the little bit of clarity i am starting to have.
so you do think H should tell Mrs.Y? why am i having such a hard time with this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

oopps hit enter accidentally! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>