Mrs X,
That is great. I too always considered myself mild mannered. Early on after DDay 1 and for about 12 months up until DDay2 I was in a similar mode. Thinking clearly and calmly. The perfect Plan A.

Then some backsliding occurred. I hate to say it but lately I'll occassionally loose control when I have A related flash backs. No violence just uncontrollable and completely irrational crying. Afterwards I feel even worse because I feel like a wimp.

Of course everyone handles the shock differently but just be aware. Something definitely to look forward to (he said in a sarcastic manner)

cwmac

mrsx

where have you been?????? My feelings are so hurt that you haven't kept in touch! This is the first time in weeks that I have logged on to MB.
How are you doing??

Lisa oh honey, I am so sorry I lost touch. I have been so preoccupied and fogged out and stuff. I AM SORRY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Please send me an email to MrsX2004@hotmail.com and I will then reply to you from my new AOL account. I hope you are doing well.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa103:
<strong> mrsx

where have you been?????? My feelings are so hurt that you haven't kept in touch! This is the first time in weeks that I have logged on to MB.
How are you doing?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Mrs. X,

You wrote, "I feel like such a loser."

Truth is, you are a good woman who made some bad choices and hurt the people who love her most in this world. You are not a loser. Your choices now to turn all of this around makes you a winner in my book.

Snowbelle

Snowbelle, Thanks. I am trying. Today wasn't a better day than yesterday. I am PMS'ing, and feeling low. Thought about OM more than I cared to, albeit not in a good light, but still wasted time thinking of him nonetheless. I am so mad at him for being such a jerk.

When I sent my NC letter to him, I did it from my work email because I deleted my other accounts that he knows. I thought he would be scared to reply to that since he used to work at my company, and there is a chance it could be intercepted by our IT dept (which incidentally, is the department I work in and he used to work in) but he actually replied to it, saying I am wrong, what we had was real, but I can believe what I want, and he's upset that I didn't give him the chance to talk one on one. That reply made me even more angry because he is trying to convince me and moreover, himself that it was "real".
I cannot believe I fell for his manipulation hook, line and sinker. I didn't even bother wasting the bandwidth or calories it would require to reply to him. I won't deny there are times during the day that I wonder what he is doing and if he is thinking of me. Thankfully, these thoughts don't consume me nor am I obsessing over them, but I am still giving this jerk energy and space in my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

H is coming home soon and I am making him dinner. I am so glad that I am slowly but surely coming out of this fog and able to focus on him and his needs. I am paying attention to him and just waiting on him hand and foot and he is loving it. He is so grateful and says thank you every time I do something for him, and the amazing part is, he is sincere. He really is grateful and thankful. Another polar opposite trait of Mr.Y who acted like he was entitled to my kindness and generosity; he acted like he expected it, not only from me but from Mrs.Y as well.
I know for a fact that when they argue he won't speak to her until she apologizes. He will ignore her and stew. (well he would call me or IM me and pitch a b!tch) I wonder how many times she actually does apologize. I wonder even more if any of there arguements were her fault, my guess is that he probably instigated and made her look wrong and then tried to be a martyr. This way he can validate his excuses to cheat and rationalize that she is the bad one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
UGH. OK I am done venting. Have to finish dinner and then I have a therapist appt. at 10pm tonight. A benefit of living in NYC area: the city never sleeps!!!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
<strong> Mrs. X,

You wrote, "I feel like such a loser."

Truth is, you are a good woman who made some bad choices and hurt the people who love her most in this world. You are not a loser. Your choices now to turn all of this around makes you a winner in my book.

Snowbelle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Mrs X,
Saw your above post.

Try doing what my W did: Everytime she tought of the OM, she called me to say hello or she did something for me.

She came out of the fog fairly quickly. She told me that by doing the above she was forced to take the focus away from the OM and turn it towards me.

cwmac

I am trying to do this. Today is not such a great day. I am thinking about Mr.Y a lot but not in the vein that I "miss" him or "want" him, more in the vein that I am very very mad and I want revenge. In my NC letter I made it clear to him that I know I made the right choice by choosing H and to try to rebuild my M. That the A was just a big mistake, a big black mark on my resume and I regret the whole thing. I am sure that if I knew the way he felt reading my NC letter that would be revenge enough. But I feel like I want to contact him to let him know how much I am hurting, how angry I am. I am not going to actually do this, of course, but I wish I could. I am hoping that deeper connection with H will help these feelings dissipate. My "monthly" is here now and I know that is contributing to my emotional state as well.
Withdrawl is tough in the sense that there is no contact for me to get my point across; I don't miss "him" or the A really at all. I feel like he should have to see what I am going thru to get over this A. That he deserves the same pain I am feeling and he deserves to hurt, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Yes I am taking away from my M and H by harboring feelings for OM and A. I can see that. That is why I am here, I guess, putting my feelings down on this board rather than creating more havoc in our lives. Oh, when will this end? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> Mrs X,
Saw your above post.

Try doing what my W did: Everytime she tought of the OM, she called me to say hello or she did something for me.

She came out of the fog fairly quickly. She told me that by doing the above she was forced to take the focus away from the OM and turn it towards me.

cwmac </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Horrible day today. I am consumed w/thoughts of OM. trying to focus on H but it is hard. UGH. I am foggin' out big time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mrs X,
When you're "foggin' out", does it help to call your H and talk to him? What do you do to take your mind off the situation? Are you keeping busy or do you have time to sit a reflect ie mope?

cwmac

I am coming in late on this one, but have you asked your hubby for help? Maybe you two should plan a weekend getaway or a few evening dates, even if they are just to a movie or a coffee house. Anything to focus on your hubby instead of the marriage wrecking OM.

Mrs X.

How are you doing today? I imagine your mind is full of foggy, delusional thoughts of OM and how wonderful life was in the good old days! Valentine's Day has a way of making us all do that, eh?

Don't buy it, hon. Make this a new day for you and your H, who is the one who has truly loved you and stood by you. Put your thoughts and energy into the man who has been with you through thick and thin, the guy you know you can count on.

Let us know how you are.

Mrs. X,

Thinking about you today. How goes the battle? Just remember that the only thing that keeps one down after a fall is oneself.

It's OK to have to drag yourself up, dust off, and start over.

Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
<strong> Mrs. X,

Thinking about you today. How goes the battle? Just remember that the only thing that keeps one down after a fall is oneself.

It's OK to have to drag yourself up, dust off, and start over.

Snow </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Snow & cwmac & everyone else.
Thanks again for your support.
I had to get away from this site for a while as I was really going thru some hard times after the initial NC w/OM.
I am still so deeply depressed and going thru such severe withdrawl that at times I feel like I will never get past this. The pain of the withdrawl is tremendous. I am basically remembering only the good times I had w/Mr.Y and not the pain & guilt I felt during the A. I have to admit I miss him so bad, I miss the chemistry, the fun and the friendship we had. I know it's wrong to feel this way, and I am not seeing him or acting on my feelings. I am just going thru withdrawl something terrible. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

On the positive side, H & I are really getting along nicely. I am trying with all I have to do things to make him happy. I know I can try harder and do more, but right now the withdrawl from the A is holding back the rest of what I have to give.

Well, tonight I have a meatloaf in the oven for him (one of his favorite meals) and I have been trying to spend as much time I can with him and putting many "deposits" into his "love bank".

I have been much more affectionate w/H, much more open and honest with my feelings (I made the mistake of telling him about the withdrawl yesterday and he got very hurt and angry with me and told me he is not interested in hearing about feelings I have for another man). Thankfully, I have support from a few good friends, my sister, and my therapist, unfortunately it's a slow go.

You know, it is so hard when my heart isn't in it 100% and when I am thnking of OM and wondering if he is thinking of me. Oh when will that stop? When will my heart catch up with the rest of my efforts to try to repair my M? When will the addiction of the A and OM just end? It's so hard to let go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My H is so amazing. I cannot for the life of me understand how he can still love me and believe in us after this and especially knowing that I am not over the OM & A yet. He really loves me! And amazingly, he loves to make love to me as well even now. Last night and the night before we had the most intense passionate sex that I can't remember us having in ages. He told me that I am beautiful and he loves me and how sexy I am. (I hope that's not TMI (too much information)! Part of me (afterward) couldn't help but compare it to the sex with OM and I hated myself for that.

God I should be so grateful for how lucky I am to have my M. And part of me is, just not a very big part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My therapist told me to start getting busy doing things I love to fill the gaps that OM filled. There are a lot of things that I can be doing. First of all, I am serious about fitness and working out and I need to put back the 15 pounds I lost during the A and get healthy again.
I am a computer/network systems analyst and I love my job and I am gonna start focusing even more on my career. Things have been improving for me at work since Mr.Y left the company, and I know I can even do better...
I also used to be a personal trainer in a gym close to my house and I just spoke to my very close friend Sal(who was also my trainer for years, who currently works at the gym as a trainer) and we are going to work together to get me back in there a few nights a week and on the weekends to start training people again. We are both very excited about this and I see a lot of potential there not only for personal fulfillment but for some serious extra income!

So I guess right now there are some good changes happening and some really large roadblocks as well. I just hope that as time goes by the withdrawl from Mr.Y will be less and the desire to build my M will increase.

Again, thank you all for being here, and I would welcome and appreciate any honest feedback! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi mrsx,

I applaud your continued abstinence from OM,I know it must be truly difficult for you.I just had a quick question,since you seem to be severely withdrawaing from OM based on your posts,have you considered AD's by chance? It might make this time a bit more bearable for you.Just wondering.

Hang in there.We are pulling for you.

O

Hi O,

Actually I am on 25 MG of Paxil CR. I have been taking it for panic/depression, since I got married in 1999. It has helped with the panic and depression, but I know that I need to start working on myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually if I am ever going to heal and become a whole person.

Friday I had the worst day ever. I had to leave work at 10:00am due to the serious horrible depression/withdrawl and went to my girlfriend's house. When I got there I was shaking so hard my teeth were chattering. I had no control over myself and I was crying so hard. She hugged me, listened to my rants and then gave me a Xanax which calmed down very much that I was able to relax on her couch, play with her 3 year old son and eat dinner.

Since I already take Paxil, I don't want to have to rely on any other type of drug to cope with the depression, as I really don't need another addiction to withdraw from at this point.

I had a nice dinner w/H tonight and afterward I gave him a full-body massage. He was in heaven!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
He went into the shower and I instantly thought of OM. I notice that when I think of OM I start to panic, it must be the fear of not having him in my life, of truly letting go and knowing I probably will never see him again?

This totally sucks. I am really enjoying my H's company, I hate having the distraction of thoughts of OM in my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

PS: O, I just noticed in your signature that your H want's to reconcile. That's great and I am happy for you and hope that things work out! Good luck!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Hi mrsx,

I applaud your continued abstinence from OM,I know it must be truly difficult for you.I just had a quick question,since you seem to be severely withdrawaing from OM based on your posts,have you considered AD's by chance? It might make this time a bit more bearable for you.Just wondering.

Hang in there.We are pulling for you.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ February 22, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

Hi again,

Just another quick comment or two.Do you do anything when these thoughts of OM come into your head or do you let them swim around in there for awhile and take hold?

There were some interesting books I read in the past about changing gears in your head when related to sever trauma and thoughts that related to them.I will ty to see if I can find them but the basic jist was sort of mental exercises that you do whenever a particular thought comes into mind,it helps you create habits that mind can use to switch thought processes into ones that are more comforting.In a way like retraining the way you think,a learned response to a stimulus but it's not physical,it's mental.

Anyway,I'm not sure if I explained it well but I will try to see what I can find for you.

As for my WH wanting to reconcile,don't break out the champagne yet.He has been saying a lot of nice,reassuring things but he is not DOING anything that is helping me to want to reconcile for example this past weekend of "saying goodbye forever" to OW in PERSON even though I asked him not since it would really hurt me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He did anyway.

So now I am not sure if I should keep my appointment with my lawyer this week.I want so much to cut him loose.The work he would need to do in order for me to feel safe and trust him in his desire to work on our marriage seems insurmountable to me right now.Well,enough of that.

Keep that chin up.We have high hopes for you.

O

Mrsx- I just have to say that I am in the EXACT same place as you are. It seems like with each passing day it gets harder and harder because all I remember are the good times with OM. And, with each passing day I wonder more and more if he's thinking of me and what he's doing, etc. I haven't had contact either but it's so hard.
My question is this: How do you make NC about you and not about seeing if OM will try to contact you because he misses you? I am trying to hard but it seems like now every day all I focus on is if this will be the day that OM contacts me because he can't stand to be without me. I don't want to be like this, I want NC to be about me and about moving on with my life but it seeems like I'm missing the means to make this happen because I'm still very much obsessed with OM and it seems to be getting worse each day.

(((SG)))

Here is how I see it. I can point out 2 factors that contribute to our suffering.

1. Self-esteem, self-worth, etc.
2. Habit

Looking at #1 I see that my self-esteem is very low. I don't have a very high regard for myself and basically have an emptiness inside. My identity has always been defined by outside sources, i.e.: men, friends, fashion, body-building, career; yet I have never been defined by who I am as a person, a child of God, an individual. In this case, I found another source of validation. The OM who was in "love" with me, who found me beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, etc. etc. etc. I allowed myself to be defined by OM and he became the primary source of my self-worth. Now that he is not in the picture, I feel alone, empty, and scared because I have no foundation. At one time I allowed my H to define me, but then that became boring and as time went by it got harder because he refused to validate many of the facades that I created as my "identity". So OM came into the picture, and voila, another source of affirmation. The bottom line is taht I have no identity, nothing "real" defines me, I am basically a very empty person with no self-esteem.

Looking at #2 I can see that OM and the A became a HABIT. Changing our habits takes more than just wishing them away. They need to be replaced with newer healthier habits (at least this is what my therapist says) and eventually the HABIT of the A will control us less and be less tempting to us.
I read a quote in one of my daily affirmation books that I will share here:
"Any current behavior used to be "new". It became a habit only with continuous use. I can decide to begin a new habit today."
I guess the new habit can be to go out jogging instead of thinking of OM. Read a book instead of thinking of OM. Hug your H instead of thinking of OM.
I guess it can't hurt to try. Just my 2c.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stupidgirl:
<strong> Mrsx- I just have to say that I am in the EXACT same place as you are. It seems like with each passing day it gets harder and harder because all I remember are the good times with OM. And, with each passing day I wonder more and more if he's thinking of me and what he's doing, etc. I haven't had contact either but it's so hard.
My question is this: How do you make NC about you and not about seeing if OM will try to contact you because he misses you? I am trying to hard but it seems like now every day all I focus on is if this will be the day that OM contacts me because he can't stand to be without me. I don't want to be like this, I want NC to be about me and about moving on with my life but it seeems like I'm missing the means to make this happen because I'm still very much obsessed with OM and it seems to be getting worse each day. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Mrsx- WOW!! That was an awesome post and it is so very much like me that it's kind of eery. I, too, suffer with low self esteem and I have tried to get this from outside sources, mainly through men and how they react to me. When OM was providing me with this validation I felt so good about myself and I didn't feel alone. I know that in time I would have come to need a new source of validation other than OM but since my relationship with OM didn't get to that point, I am left feeling lonely for OM since he's the last one that provided it.
I have been doing a ton of reading and it helps to a degree but it's hard to implement those things into real life. I went to mass this weekend and it was about laying things before the cross and before God. I'm trying to lay this before Him but it's so hard.
I, like you, am left feeling empty and lonely even though I have a wonderful H who has been more than understanding with me. The problem is that because I'm so deep in the fog still, it's hard for me to appreciate my H the way I should. I mean, it's getting better but he still doesn't have my whole heart yet.
As far as changing my habits, I am. It's difficult because OM was such a huge part of my life and we had such a routine together that it's hard to find something that he didn't have a part in. I mean, everywhere I look I am reminded of OM. Songs on the radio, movies on the TV, certain ways the sky looks, certain smells, certain phrases or words, etc. He's everywhere and I don't know how to not see him in these things anymore.
I'm so sorry that you're suffering Mrsx, but it helps so much to have someone to talk to that knows exactly what I'm going through. I have noone else to talk to (other than H) and I find alot of comfort from your posts.
Thank you so much and God bless you on your journey to heal.