Hi TornHeart

Believe me its better I think to be told then to find out. Good job.

As for your M, it can be stronger, but only if both of you will be open and honest with each other. You both will have up and down days. Both of you need to learn the EN's of the other and start meeting them.

When you are having trouble seek your W, and if you see her down comfort her. Hugs are a gift you should never be afraid to give.

Oh dear... I am stuck !! The wife knows the whole story, she is crying all the time pleading with me never to leave her, but this has all left me so confused. Even though the OW is now with someone else I just cannot stop thinking about her, all the time, every waking hour. Even when my wife is next to me I just keep thinking of OW, gosh isnt that an awful thing to say.

I never felt so close to my wife as I did to OW, never. Not even in the beginning. Also, I just cannot help wondering that even if it was not the OW, I would find someone else out there more compatible with me than my wife and I should leave her, but if I left her it would destroy her even more than I already have done. What a mess I am in... and I have got my wife in such a mess.

How I wish I could feel for her like I felt for OW but I just don`t , I just don`t... and I never did....not ever, not even at the beginning. We have no rows or anything but I just do not feel close to her like I felt for OW. Has anyone been here and come out the other side? I`ve read the stuff on the site, but I am still in a mess.

You formed an emotional bond with the OW so it is only natural that you are in withdrawl.

Unfortunately your wife's self esteem, as a woman, has hit rock bottom so she is very vulnerable to an affair of her own. What you must do is to convey to her that she is no less of a woman than your OW. Can you do that?

Gosh Torn, I feel for you.

I can kind of relate (Im the W/W) because my feelings for the O/M (who said last week he needed a "break") are so strong that they overpower any I have for my H. (MY hub knows of the affair but doesnt know of its continuance). I am desperately searching as well to replace the feelings for OM with feelings for my H>

I did have those feelings a way back at the start of my marriage whereas you claim you didnt.

I want to say you did do the right thing by coming clean about the A. Takes a lot of courage.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

Sally.

sally, Thanks for your reply, I have been following your thread as well. You say i "claim" not to have had those feelings at the start. I know I did not, my wife was the first woman ever to go out with me, I was never sure about her and my journals of the time which I still have say so .. there are many entries like " This isnt really right but she loves me so much how can I leave her " in my journals from when we first met. That is what makes this all so difficult, I have no memory of havign feelings she was the `right` for me from the beginning. I have always had doubts about my marriage...but have always hidden them, until now. This whole business has made me realise I must clear the doubts and only stay in the marriage if I can absolutely guarantee to my wife I would never be unfaithful again. If I cannot do that, it would not be right to stay.
Sally, I hope you are reading this as I didnt want to post on your thread as well as that would get too confusing... I would give anything to have a memory that I once was in love with my wife so much I knew she was the right one for me. If you have memories like that for your husband, even if they are from long ago you simply MUST do all you can to stay with him. That really must be the right decision for you, it really must. Don`t give up. You must try to get back those feelings like they were. I wish so much it was that easy for me, well, I know its not easy for you, but memories like that would make it easier I`m sure. You must treasure those memories and work on them. My problem is the only person I have ever had feelings like this for is OW. That is why I am in such a mess.
Hopefully both of us (and far more importantly both our betrayed spouses) will get through this somehow. Best wishes

<small>[ November 27, 2003, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Tornheart644 ]</small>