Sally

Glad to hear you closed the account. Sad to hear your email to him.

The OM situation and problems are not yours to even contemplate. To put it frankly, your problems and your H's and M's problems are for you to worry about. You do need to share with your H all that going on including the emails and the closing the account. And, I do think you should change the cell#. It would be one less thing to worry about. Also, its time to become an open book for your H. Start being open and honest. You need to do this for your M. Your H needs to know of the OM knowing your cell#, the emails and any other way you contacted each other. Also, you need to delete or burn anything from the OM. Start reclaiming your life.

Have you told your H the name of the OM? Think about it, you were used. As long as the OM's life didn't have any problems he had no problems manipulating you and stroking your ego. As soon as his life had more waves then he could handle he started "needing a break" and I really doubt that your the only one he needed a break from.

What you need to ask yourself is why do I continue to believe the lies that he told me. Time for you to start letting your wounds to heal rather then keep tearing at them. Your H's wounds aren't closed yet, and as long as you worry more about the OM then the M, your H's wounds won't heal. I will tell you that your H probably has a time limit, he may not know how long, but it is there and your M will be over when that time limit is met. That timer is running and can only be turned off when you finally start working on redeeming the M.

Sally I forgot to add that my H broke NC with OW a few days after dday and kept it up for about a week, even though he'd chosen me and his family over her and was comitted to making it work. Thank goodness they didn't do anything other then talk during that time.

I found out about the breaking of the NC a few days later and went beserk! It was worse then the A itself...he was able to delude himself and compartmentalize during the A but after dday he was full aware of the pain he caused me, our kids and OW family...so I asked HOW COULD HE?!!!

It took him alot of soul searching to answer that...the part you might be interested in is the need to be validated and to have the A validated.

He has done the most horrible thing in his life and was struggling mightly with what he'd done. So in breaking NC he was looking for many things...validation from her that what they had done was worth it (he was already realizing that it wasn't), that she really did love him (otherwish he'd have to admitt he was played...later realized this too), he didn't disclose all details of A to me at that time only told me it was EA so needed to make sure she wouldn't tell rest, wanted her there as back up plan in case I wouldn't be able to deal with what he'd done, needed to talk to her because they were going through same thing.

He didn't get anything from her that he wanted because the A had been exposed to light of day and that changed everything on both sides. Was hard to realize and accept that he'd been so wrong about her and so wrong about how he handled our problems. By the way he didn't get the validation he needed from her either...that rarely happens in an A.

YOU NEED TO REALIZE WHAT MY H REALIZED....THAT VALIDATION FROM AN AFFAIR PARTNER ISN'T VALIDATION...IT ISN'T REAL.

What you have in front of you with your H is real. Your OM ran out on you as soon as the fantasy gig was up....your H is still there fighting for you...what better validation of your worth could there be?????

Sally, I am sorry I offended you by doubting that you really closed the e-mail account.
From what I have been reading of what you have written over the past several weeks, I did not think you could actually do it!

In the same note that you were so livid about me accusing you of decieving us here, (total strangers); you said you were deceiving your beloved husband!
How can you justify that? Where is the honesty there, if you are so honest with us?

Doesn't make a lot of sense but then affairs of the heart do not make sense but they are sure real!

It seems that you and Sarie and some of the others prefer to take your own advice instead of the majority of advice here at the site (from experienced friends)

Oh well, you have to do what YOU think is the right thing, even if all of us here think you should tell your husband about the e-mail note and let him read it.

JJ

Sally,

When you feel down and need to talk to someone, call your H. If you don't get through to him, leave him a voice mail and tell him you are thinking of him.

Shift your focus Sally, focus on the real things in your life: your children, your H, your family, your job. It will take work and practice, but it is time to stop running from your life (OM is that place to run even mentally) and start running toward your life.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Silver:

You know, I realy am finally starting to think that he really didn't care much about me (yes, I DID beleive he cared for a long time) The ease at which he was able to cosntruct and send that hurtful email is making it more apparent to me.

One good thing that is happening is that my heart and my love for him is starting to be combined with some anger now. Anger that I may have vested months and months in someone who could care less about me. I never ever saw that in him. Now I am starting to and perhaps that will aid in the healing process.

JJ:

YOu were harsh and critical and if I were you and were trying to help someone in my situation I would offer constrcutive criticism instead of berating someone...insinuating they are a liar. Yes, I did infact tell my husband BIG lies, for months....but I wouldnt be on this board if I weren't seeking help.

It would serve no purpose. I know that nobody here is going to give me kudos for being able to "get away" with a realtionship with the OM. I was never here to try to justify my infidelity. I was here to try to get help (MUCH like an addict who continues to regress into their habit whilst trying to recover) Thats your MO though and you are entitled to your own opinion. It is the constructive advice of which I receive from people like TMCM and Silver and JL that have actaully helped me at a time where I thought my mental survival was hopeless.

JL:

Your many words of wisdom and advice have truly been embedded in my mind and my heart. Believe me, I am trying to do the right thing and I really do believe I can get there. 3 weeks ago, I was literally ready to throw the towel in JL. Today, although my heart does pain a mix of love, and now rejection, I have renewed hope that I will be able to view OM in a class that I never realized he could be part of.

I want to know that answer as to why I had this affair as well. I told you all, and will say it again, my husband is an amazing guy...I dont try to justify why I emotionally latched to the OM by blaming my husband. I dont have the answers now and I certainly never saw me as capable of this.

I need to figure this out because I am very raw and vulnerable and I don't ever want this to happen again.

And I want to be the catalyst in the rebuilding of my M. I want to make my husband happy, be the best wife he could imagine. Make him proud. I want to make myself proud, and look in the mirror and like who I am. Look in the mirror and see what others see and tell me I am (something I was never able to do or see even prior to the A)

Nobody is perfect, and I am far from it. But I am trying and I think that is at least a start.

Sally.

Dear Sally friend.
I am SO PROUD of you for closing the secret e-mail account...What a lot of courage that took to push that button!
(Will any messages the OM might write you in the future be returned back to him, undeliverable?)

Since you husband knows of your affair, it seems it would be the right thing to do, to let him read what the other man wrote to you; he could help you heal, Sally.
(This sharing of this would be a BIG thing in your marriage recovery; I think it would mean a lot to your husband if you went to him with this instead of keeping it a secret.)

I think of today for you as DAY 1 of your being back on the right road...I can tell already today, how much better emotionally you are than you were yesterday.

I am considering telling my husband, the first of the year, of my long passionate and emotional affair;
It will be SO HARD, and it makes me cry right now just thinking of how to tell him and it breaks my heart how it will make him feel.

The thing is I still care very much for the OM and he feels the same for me (He always wanted me for keeps but couldn't have me so he moved on with his life and found someone else to share his life with and that is good!)

Our communication hasn't completely stopped.
I know when I tell my husband, I have to be willing and ready to stop all e-mails and phone calls. (My OM and I are both dedicated to NEVER being alone together again.)

I am certain my husband will forgive me, but I know how he is, he won't want to ever talk about it again and will hold the hurt inside of him.
How we will be able to heal our marriage after I tell him? I just don't know.

Love and best wishes to you, your husband and little girls...Sarah

<small>[ December 03, 2003, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Sally -

So everyone is always telling you how perfect you are, and how good you look? And you don't believe it?

Maybe the A was a way for you to lash out and say "Hey, I'm not perfect!" "I can be bad"!

Just a thought.

Another thought, have you and H done the EN questionnaires?
DB

Sally,

You have indeed come a long way. You are doing very well. Permit me to make a suggestion, go read about "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, again.

You are farther along and it will mean more to you. You see we want something different for you than you realize. We want your H to be all you wanted, the person YOU can lean on, the person that will help you. Not just for you to make him happy and proud.

Alot of what you are being told is for him to learn how to treat and help you. A good place to rebuild is to let him into your heart and feelings. You are struggling right now and you need help dealing with the Whys? the How could you's? The person that can help you most is your H.

Use the POJA, use radical honesty. Go to him, tell him you are struggling and tell what it is that you are struggling with. Then ask him to help you reach conclusions and make decisions that will help you toward your goals. Tell him what they are. Then sit and talk about this stuff. Detach, talk about it as if were a bug that the two of you are watching.

If you do this or anything like this, several things will happen. 1. HE will become more comfortable talking to you about feelings,even if initially they are yours.

2. He will realize he is your partner because you have let him in on the decision making process that you are dealing with.

3. He will realize you are trying to get back to him and become someone he loves and is proud of.

4. He will learn how to open up about difficult things. He will learn from you how to speak his heart, because as you talk about the OM it will hurt him deeply, but he will come to realize you are doing it to get OM out of your head and H into your heart. Hold his hand when you talk with him, you are going to TEACH him many things Sally.

5. You will learn that the one person in your life that knows you best will be your H. How? Because you are going to TEACH him about you. You are going to teach him how to handle difficult discussions.

6. As you do this, he will learn that YOU will protect him. You will be willing to hear him speak of his fears. How? You are going to ask him about his fears, about his feelings concerning the Affair, how he felt during D-day, what he feels now. You are going to offer HIM hope.

Sally, you need to switch from the victim to the teacher, and you do that by letting him help you via the POJA and discussions of future courses of action. When you do this, you will see yourself in a new light. You will see your H in a new light, and your marriage will enter a new era. I mean after you can discuss betrayal, what is there left that is too hard to discuss.

Start by asking your H to help you by listening to you, then ask him for suggestions on how the two of you can start to remove OM from your Mind, and you can achieve your "mission statement" (that is what you just gave us isn't it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

You are about to see why being honest with your H over this affair CAN lead to good things. You have the opportunity via your needs to change your marriage and how if functions in very profound ways.

So use "radical honesty", tell your H you are still struggling with feelings for OM. Tell him you don't want them, but you need his help. Then use POJA to see if the two of you can reach some ideas for how you can allow your H to help when you are trigger by OM thoughts. THEN, talk about strategies for when your H triggers with thoughts of your affair.

You all can do this Sally. But, it is sooooo much sweeter when you do it together.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

brava, sally! brava!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sally


You GO girl!!

Beau

Sally

Forgot to say - change your cell phone number. Do everthing you can to eliminate the possibility of contact. Your H will feel better as will you.

Beau

Sally,

I'm a little late to your supportive group of posters because I don't post as much as I used to!

I recognize the pain you are feeling trying to figure out how/why you had the affair.

My FWH felt the same way! I'm sure you've read the basic concepts on this website, but I'd like you to consider counseling with one of the Harleys.

My husband and I did the phone counseling for many months - and by working hard on the recovery plan that Steve Harley led us through we got the answers to the very questions you're asking yourself. Best of all with coaching we worked through the very most painful parts much quicker than if we had attempted recovery on our own.

Our recovery is going great (we're each other's coaches now) and I'm glad we didn't spend a moment longer then we had to in that excrutiating emotional pain I hear in your posts.

Blessings, CSue

Sarie;

Thanks for the Thumbs up!

About your telling your husband...I don't know your situation to well so I don't know how he will react. Besides, I am sure there is no typical "reaction" to beign told something of the this magnitude.

For some reason I just KNEW that I could tell my husband of the affair...initially.

However, now that I know I dont want the OM in my life to belittle and humiliate me by controlling me, I find it very difficult to come to the decision to tell my hub that we continued to email since October (when he found out at that time that communications continued since I confessed in May--THAT crushed him). He has told me that if he finds out ONE more thing it will give him no choice but to leave.

I am unsure of if I wil ltell him that since October-Dec there was additional contact. Because I KNOW that I am ready to start recovering and I KNOW that the communications are done and I nor OM wants to continue this A, I am more clear on what I need to do now to start to mend my marriage.

I just think telling about the additional 2 months is going to bring us further back, perhaps even destroy him.

I will continue to think on it but I just dont know what I am going to do.

One thing I DO know is that it feels GOOD to not be continuously checkin my email to see if OM WANTS or NEEDS me.

Pheww!

Huggs..
Sally.

Sally

You won't be able to truly start your M recovery until you have radical honesty with your H. That means sharing your ongoing communication with OM. I know you say that has now stopped, but you also need to write a NC letter - this is as much to prove to your H (who BTW will probably need reassurance) that you really do mean that contact has stopped. I'll use that great phrase again (sorry whoever you are poster that I have borrowed this from <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

NC isn't rocket science. Write a NC letter and then stop making excuses.

Sally, I am very worried that you say you love your H, but you will loose him unless you fundamentally change some of your behaviours. I wasn't even sure I loved my H and tried very hard to change my behaviour and he still left. It is actions Sally not words. Please believe me when I say that he may well run out of patience and you will be left on your own. He is devastated beyond belief - double/tripple your own pain.

Keep well Sally, we are routing for you.

Lisa

Sally

Thats the thing about being open and honest, its not easy but it must be done. Your H deserves to know the whole truth. He needs to know that you were checking your hidden email accounts daily, he needs to know of your emails to the OM and he needs to know and read the OM latest email to you. Draft an NC letter, post it here for others to read and help you write. Show that letter to your H for approval to send, and send it. I would also send a copy to his W.

Dang I hate it when I hit the wrong button. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You also need to share your feeling with your H. What your feeling now about the OM.

Your the one that decided to keep in contact the additional 2 months. You made that choice knowing the harm it could do to your M. And now you have to decide to do the right thing and tell your H. He also needs to know all contact has stopped. He needs to read your NC letter and send it for you. He also needs to know the name of the OP, and be able to contact that S#$Theads wife and let her know what HER H has been doing behind her back. With the OMW knowing of the A do you really thing there would be any chance of it starting up again.

All your secrets has aloud the last few months to cause pain and mesery with you and your H. It time to have no more secrets. Yes, you do take a risk, but then you created the condition. Become an Open Book, it really is the only way to start redeeming your M.

Trust in God that telling him is the right thing to do. Pray, remember God answers prayer. And, he forgives.

PS Lisa in London, it was 2OAK that has that in his signature line. He's still around just busy with the holidays. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>

Hi you all;

I dont want to elaborate on what I am feeling and how I am doing or what I am doing...just dont feel like any words of wisdom today....but, I wanted you all to know that I wast thinkin of you and I just wanted to say hi.

Sally.