I just talked to my wife about our daughters birthday party in Jan. My wife told me I am not welcome at the party she is going to give. Should I go ?

gb, you can still go out with friends and carry on with your life. Just don't go on any dates, ok?

I think the best thing to do right now is to talk to her when you have an opportunity and just be as pleasant and confident as possible. Don't bring up ANY RELATIONSHIP issues or tell her you miss her or anything like that.

And don't let her drag you into a fight. If she complains just nicely say: " I am sorry you feel like that. I hear ya. Sorry, but I have to get going. ALWAYS keep your conversations short [under 10 minutes] and pleasant and always be the one to END the conversation.

I also wouldn't suggest cutting back on your time with the kids. Your childrens welfare comes before ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.

Why don't you get her something like a nice poinsettia or something for Christmas??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong> I just talked to my wife about our daughters birthday party in Jan. My wife told me I am not welcome at the party she is going to give. Should I go ? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh no, don't go. She sounds very hostile and you need to try and change that. How did you respond when she said that? Why are you not welcome?

get:

Going out with friends 2 watch a game now and then is a great idea. Just don't "date", okay?

It's good you're seeing your kids regularly. Definitely keep that up.

As for how long it might take for your W 2 "come clean." Well, she may never. Most As tend 2 last a year or 2 before they "burn out" or run their course. You can shorten it considerably by bursting the fantasy bubble. If you don't have "proof" that there is an A, you may need 2 get it, but I don't think you'll need 2. Over time, as you read about them, you'll be able 2 tell even if you don't have firm confirmation (read the articles on the home page about infidelity - you'll quickly see what I mean). In any case, if you work as though she IS, you can't go wrong. So long as you do a good plan A, that is.

I guess it's sort of surprising she'd be angry about you seeing your D at her birthday party. I don't think that's considerate at all. I hope others chime in. I wouldn't just show up though.

-2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:

I just talked to my wife about our daughters birthday party in Jan. My wife told me I am not welcome at the party she is going to give. Should I go?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No don't crash the party, and instead throw a party of your own for your daughter the day before her B-day. In this way, your daughter will know that you love her and have not forgotten her B-day despite the fact that you are not with her every day.

danged 2ble post!

2dles,
-2long

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Just talked to the kids, the wife got on the phone and said she doent know if I can see them on Christmas, I responded lets not get the kids in the middle of this, then she told me I made her sick, and the only way she can be happy is to get everything I have, house 401k everything, she said she is going to try and take everything I have, She told me she has all kinds of friends
telling her she should do this and that to me, she is madder now that she has ever been, telling me I am stupid and that I am talking about her and calling people she knows, this is not true. I just let her ramble and asked her why do you want to try and crush me. she said she has lived in He$$ the past 14 years. She just told me one of the Dr's that was treating her mother before she passed away in Sept called her and asked her out on a date once the D is over. The wife said she just wants to get rid of me and never see me. I last spoke to her on Tuesday night and told her I was getting the girls Friday after school, Tonight she said why didnt you tell me you was getting them, she didnt remmber me telling her and is putting the blame on me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong>I just let her ramble and asked her why do you want to try and crush me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KILL HER WITH KINDNESS. When she says stuff like this, don't respond defensively. She is just trying to bait you into a fight.

When she says this stuff, just say "I'm sorry you feel so bad tonight, dear. Let's talk another time when you feel better. G'night."

Don't engage her when she is a bully. Don't react to her.

I called the wife and told her what yo usaid, sorry you feel so bad tonight I will talk to you
another time, she told me this is how I am going to be until we divorce. she said she is tired of being nice. I just told her goodnight she is now saying her kids since I did not pay her this month. She said they are not my kids anymore, I just let it slide.

Very good. She is feeling guilty and the only way to make that go away is to turn you into the bad guy. If she can make you mad, you will be the bad guy and will justify her shabby behavior. If you don't give her any justification, then she will have to feel guilty and start thinking about her own behavior. So, just hold your tongue. Don' let her run over you, but be FIRM and very kind and civil.

when should I try and talk to her again, she is telling me all of these different people are telling her different things, do i let them slide or do I ask some of them to see if it is true. when she tells me people say@@@@@ and its worng do I tell her what was really said.
example wife said one of her customers said I was
mean and told her I had lost weight because I was on the divorce diet. what I told her customer I had lost weight because I was single
now and had to cook for myself

Let them slide.

Just say, "thanks for telling me, dear. I am sorry, but I have to go start the dryer. You take care!"

Blow it off....

so when do I take up for myself? when I asked my wife why she is acting like she is she tells me because I have a backbone now.
do I ignore EVERYTHING and hope for the best in the future?

Letting an insane person bait you into a fight is not "taking up for yourself," it is letting yourself being manipulated by an insane person. You just don't fight with her. You kill her with kindness. That way she has no excuse to be angry with you, which will help her come out of the fog sooner. Don't make YOURSELF the issue here because that will only prevent her from dealing with the consequences of her actions.

Just imagine that you are dealing with a drunk right now. You can't reason with a nut and fighting only makes it worse. Your best bet is to just hang on and don't burn any bridges until sanity returns. You don't want to cause permanent damage in response to a temporary problem.

Read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020829

One of the reasons my wife is so angry is she thinks I have told everybody lies, when I meet someone and they ask how I'm doing I tell them
I feel like crap, most ask what happened and I tell them "she just walked out on me and took the girls with her" some people I tell about the cell phone and money but most I just tell she just left me. Any ideas on what to say or is this ok.

She is angry because the truth of her actions is getting out and she wants to hide. Exposing the affair - and shabby behavior - is a good thing because it often helps the WS to confront the truth. If she gets angry about it, just say: "I am sorry you are upset about it, but it is the truth" and change the subject. You shouldn't help her HIDE her shabby behavior.

Even so, I wouldn't go out of your way to antagonize her. Everyone knows now, so quit telling people about her antics.

So let me get this right, pretty much agree with everything she tells me, when she tells me I am a sorry father, just tell sorry you feel that way and every now and tell her I am a very good father just to let her know I have a backbone.
She also pick every word I say apart, if I said it looks like rain today she would say sure does then the next day I would say wow pretty blue sky wife would go NO YOU SAID IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN, SEE YOUR A LIAR!!!!!!Just agree right ?

get:

CHANGE THE SUBJECT. Not just during your conversation with HER, but in your own HEAD. Your life is about YOU first. Fix the things you know are wrong with YOU. Let her fester in her own juices for now.

"So let me get this right, pretty much agree with everything she tells me, when she tells me I am a sorry father, just tell sorry you feel that way and every now and tell her I am a very good father just to let her know I have a backbone."

Jawless fishes have had backbones since the Ordovician. This isn't much of an accomplishment. Anger is a WEAKNESS, not a STRENGTH.

"She also pick every word I say apart, if I said it looks like rain today she would say sure does then the next day I would say wow pretty blue sky wife would go NO YOU SAID IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN, SEE YOUR A LIAR!!!!!!Just agree right ? "

NO. DON'T HAVE DISCUSSIONS LIKE THAT. Or, 180 it. "Yeah, you're right. I'm a lyin', sea-goin' sack of salty salmon s***, alright." ...on 2nd thought, don't say that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just don't get dragged in2 those arguments. And when she tries, ignore her. (I did this when my W tried 2 get me in2 fights after D-day. She's a "good arguer", I'm not. There's no way 2 "win" an argument based in anger, so why participate? I chose not 2 participate. Believe me, it pissed her off, but it ENDED the argument, because I simply wouldn't say ANYTHING.)

When you deflect by saying something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. Oh! The rock-polishing machine is acting up again, gotta go!" HANG UP! Don't wait for a response, because she'll just know she CAN get you 2 fight.

Do you ever correspond via email? That might be better, because it's easier 2 ignore the negativity in a reply. Also, see if you can arrange a specific time 2 call the kids, so THEY can know 2 answer the phone, not your WW.

-ol' 2long