what do you mean like to xxxxx, ? Out to eat, future palns or what please help.
The wife likes the body stuff, I think I wil. I have also thought about a day spa package ?

Digging up the past, just stuf I have done years
ago, arguments etc. Times when she was really upset and I would just have her change the subject, Thought no tears meant she was happy, I was wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong> what do you mean like to xxxxx, ? Out to eat, future palns or what please help.
The wife likes the body stuff, I think I wil. I have also thought about a day spa package ?

Digging up the past, just stuf I have done years
ago, arguments etc. Times when she was really upset and I would just have her change the subject, Thought no tears meant she was happy, I was wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she feel like you didn't really care about her feelings? Would you go read up on the emotional needs and try to determine what her greatest needs are? What was it that attracted her to the OM? What need did he fill for her?

It's important to find out what went wrong here, but ALSO LET ME ASSURE you that she will probably exaggerate anything you did wrong so she can justify her affair. Even so, something happened that made her vulnerable to an affair and that is what we need to find out. You need to find out so you can start meeting that need that went unfulfilled. That is the key to attracting her back to you.

Emotional Needs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Why Women leave: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

"XXXXXX" was for her NAME. To Sally, blah blah, blah. A day spa package would be nice.

<small>[ December 14, 2003, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong>
Times when she was really upset and I would just have her change the subject, Thought no tears meant she was happy, I was wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How would you have her change the subject?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong> so when do I take up for myself? when I asked my wife why she is acting like she is she tells me because I have a backbone now.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmmm, does she feel like you have not respected her or her opinion? Does she feel like you have run over her all these years? She says she has a backbone now. Did she feel like she had no backbone in the past?

I would hsve her talk about the kids to try and cheer her up, or talk about vacations we had been on. Yes, she thinks i never listened to her, she thinks I always had to have my way.
Not true, shop,pool,etc were her ideas.

So she is imagining all this? What do you think made her unhappy then?

No I am not sparkling clean, I have vented about the house not being clean, I really think I have let her down emotionally, we always done thing together. I think the OM got to her that way, he listened better than I did I really think so. He is also a snake, when I would complain about wife charging stuff on Visa or buying stuff we didnot need I am sure he talked to her about stuff like that and would say, I wouldnt care if you chargedxxx or I would help you clean, I always clean my house. I know this is lies on his part. He used what guy talk we had against me. My wife came to me in the past and said I know you complain to XXXX about me charging bla bla bla on the visa. He never once told me anything she complained of. I really think
she does think I was not a good listener to her, I admit I probably should have done a better job listening. I think OM filled that gap. Is the Emotional needs one of the harder areas to rebuild ?

No I am not sparkling clean, I have vented about the house not being clean, I really think I have let her down emotionally, we always done thing together. I think the OM got to her that way, he listened better than I did I really think so. He is also a snake, when I would complain about wife charging stuff on Visa or buying stuff we didnot need I am sure he talked to her about stuff like that and would say, I wouldnt care if you chargedxxx or I would help you clean, I always clean my house. I know this is lies on his part. He used what guy talk we had against me. My wife came to me in the past and said I know you complain to XXXX about me charging bla bla bla on the visa. He never once told me anything she complained of. I really think
she does think I was not a good listener to her, I admit I probably should have done a better job listening. I think OM filled that gap. Is the Emotional needs one of the harder areas to rebuild ?

Steve:

I 2, think you're doing a great job under pressure.

"A lot of times I would get " you dont mean it". "

And the right response?

Don't SAY "Yes I do." If you say anything, like above: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then, SHOW here through you consistent, thoughtful actions, that you DO mean it. That you ARE sincere.

You're doing fine. Keep doing fine!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
-ol' 2long

Thanks for all the support, any ideas on what to
write in the Christmas Card. I need some do's and donts.

called the court house, I found out I will probably be served this week with the papers,
What do I say to my wife once I get the papers,
nothing and just my attorney contact hers ?
I got the be polite thing down to an art, its really not hard once to accecpt the fact they could be gone forever. I dont want this to happen.

Steve, about the Christmas card, I am not clear yet on what she wants from you. See, I can't tell if she is trying to get your attention with all this or if she is in the throes of an active affair and thusly, DETACHED.

But since you are now trying to show her your BEST side, I would suggest putting something simple in the card like Merry Christmas, love from your H. Nothing too expressive. You can't really go wrong with that unlesss you think she might WANT more.

I wouldn't even mention the divorce papers. But be sure and contact your own attorney RIGHT AWAY so you can protect yourself! If she brings it up, just tell her that you love her and don't want a divorce. Leave it at that. Don't let her bait you, ok?

I called the court house today and was told it will probably be this week sometime when the papers are delivered to me. I was going to let my
attorney contact hers and not say anything. when she asks I was then going to say I dont want to divorce I love you. I spoke to my friend who saw her out this weekend and was told wife was drunk
and just talked in circles when asked what i had done that was so bad, talking about stuff that happened years ago, said i come home in a bad mood, was moody etc. I called to speak with the girls wife asked why I was calling from cell, I told her I was on the way to pick up a prescription. she asked what for and I told her some med. to help me get healthy.. she seemed fine.
I contacted an attorney today and asked if I HAD to give wife money since she left, I was told no.
Should I give money to her, If I stop will this make her move further away what do I do?

You should only give her enough money to take care of the girls. If you give her more, you are simply enabling her and preventing her from realizing the consequences of her actions. Remember, it was SHE who wanted to leave the marriage. She shouldn't then have all the benefits of the marriage when she leaves.

Have you been giving her living expenses, too?

I have been giving 500 a month and helping with school supplies, dr bills and prescriptions.

do I mention the papers when they are served

no, don't mention anything. Just be Mr Pleasant and Charming, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

$500 is a fair amount for 2 children so you should probably continue paying that amount until your attorney tells you otherwise.

the attorney told me not to give anything since she left.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong> the attorney told me not to give anything since she left. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The attorney told you this today? Why?

I called the attorney i am going to use, I explained that my wife left the house and moved out. I have been in the house since, The wife moved in with her father. The attorney said I did not have to give her any money, I wonder if me not giving money will make wife realize what she left or make her dislike me more.
Attorney said according to state law I did not have to give money since she left, We live in Alabama