Hey Steve, did you ever get served the divorce papers? I think there's like a 10 day window that legally they have to get them to you once she files. If you haven't seen them yet then maybe she never really filed.

Also what part of Alabama are you in? I live near Montgomery although I'm in the Air Force and deployed overseas right now. I went through this crap 2 1/2 years ago when we were in Florida and it still haunts me daily. I never got an honest answer from my wife about what happened and have given up on ever getting one. I didn't find this website until way late in the affair and I didn't follow any of the plans.

sure her father will tell, they have been going out to eat and to clubs, since the mother in law is gone they have a relationship again. When I took the kids back last night my wife opened the door and let them in, I could not even see her, I guess she felt bad and could not even look at me. she hid behind the door, Do I mention the Christmas stockings to her or let it ride?

As of today I have not gotten the papers.
I found papers in her car where she was at an attorney's office Nov 17. I called the court and they filed on Nov 25th.

Live in Mobile

Steve,

As a general principle, you want to confront the WS with any evidence of an affair so you don't enable their attempt to hide it.

HOWEVER, in your case, I think it would work wonderfully in your favor if you said NOTHING. Right now she is stewing in her guilt, don't MESS THAT UP! When the enemy is destroying themselves, don't interfere.

If you say nothing, then she has no opportunity to bait you into fight about it. A fight will only help her get over her guilt and rationalize her affair. If you say nothing, she will be all alone with her guilt.

when I get served the papers do I tell her I got them and act like no big deal. When Do I tell the kids ?
Do I tell the OM's mother and father whom I know very well, this was my best friend of 20+ years
who is now going through a divorce.

I guess he NEVER was a friend or her a WIFE if
they could do this to me

also do I try and put off the D and hope for the best. I was told 4 days before she left teh house, she has been gone since July 3rd.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong> when I get served the papers do I tell her I got them and act like no big deal. When Do I tell the kids ?
Do I tell the OM's mother and father whom I know very well, this was my best friend of 20+ years
who is now going through a divorce.

I guess he NEVER was a friend or her a WIFE if
they could do this to me </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I would try and drag out the divorce. I don't know that I would say anything about it, but that is up to you. The same as telling your kids.

I would suggest telling his parents. Harley recommends doing everything short of taking out a billboard. They should know also. If they are going to have an affair they have no right to expect that you will help them conceal it. The greater the exposure, the faster it will come to an end.

do I go talk to the dad and tell him what he is doing is wrong, he is more or less supporting what my wife is doing, he has let the OM in his house to watch football games and he had to have seen the stockings, do I tell him what he has done is so wrong and the kids will realize this in the years to come ?

I doubt if he will become a man at this late date.

Christams Eve update, I went and picked up the kids yesterday, when I got there the kids were playing, I said Hi to my wife and Merry Christmas, got the unemotional Merry Christams I was expecting. When the kids come running to me I noticed one had a runny nose, the wife said I had to spend 150 dollars on her med. I did not make a comment. I talked to the girls and then asked the wife what time she wanted them back.
We got to the car and I gave the girls Mommys and Father in laws gift, Victorias Secret Lotion and gift card to Home Dep. I waited at the car, 2 minutes later they girls came outside with their heads hung low. The said Mommy told me she didnt want them to take them back and give her the money. I took the gifts and walked them to the door. I told the wife this was from the kids
and Just wished her a Merry Christmas. She told me she wanted Money and didnt want tthe gifts, I sat them inside the house and told her to take them to Goodwill if she did not want them and left. the kids age 8 and 5 were heart broken and asked why mommy did not want the gifts. I told them Mommy was upset and she will be alright later. Th wife called later and asked me to bring them back at 7 instead of 6 like she had first said, I had no problem with that. I dropped off the kids and the gifts and stuck out my hand to shake hers, she just looked and me
I told her to smile everything will be ok, and asked her to smile, just a blank stare. I just smiled and said bye.
everything sound ok?

Steve, I am so sorry it went down like that, but you handled it exceptionally well. How very cold and callous of her. Just keep on playing it cool and hopefully she will thaw out. She really needs to stir up a fight with you in order to justify her affair and you are not helping her at all. Its pretty hard to demonize someone who acts as nice as you so hang in there, ok? It will take time, but this is the best way.

I know this is a sad day for you, Steve, but please try and put it out of your mind as best you can and enjoy your Christmas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, its hard to keep this up but I will. The kids called and said they got a playstation, air hockey table, all kinds of dolls, more skates
gusee who bought all this ? Wife always tells me she has no money.

I read this whole dang thread, and just an observation, but I think your wife's EN's are as follows:

1. Conversation
2. Financial Support
3. Domestic Support

Obviously she won't allow you to meet her "conversation" EN, because she's in the FOG and needs to be mean to you in order to justify her Affair. So no convo.

But, if you're in Plan A, I'd suggest not withdrawing any of the support $$ you are currently giving her. I wouldn't go over board with giving her more than she needs, but I would continue to provide her with essentials. I also liked the suggestion of giving her access back to her shop at the house. Maybe something to think about.

Don't get me wrong GBLOGBD, you need to continue to protect yourself legally (financial, child custody, etc.) with an attorney. This is VERY important.

BTW: Love the movie Shawshank Redemption, it's one of my favs.

Lv,
Jo

I have offered to let her back in the shop, she says No!, I have not cut off the money, I give her what she asked for when she moved out, now everytime I turn around she wants more, she eats out with the kids at least twice a week. The kids order wine for her when they go out. She buys new clothes ALL the time. She has no bills I pay for the car, insurance etc, she lives with her father She has not mentioned the D papers.
she lied about teh amount of damage to the car.
I dont mention none of this to her. Just agree
and tell her when I will have the kids home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
<strong>I have offered to let her back in the shop, she says No!, I have not cut off the money, I give her what she asked for when she moved out, now everytime I turn around she wants more, she eats out with the kids at least twice a week. The kids order wine for her when they go out. She buys new clothes ALL the time. She has no bills I pay for the car, insurance etc, she lives with her father </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well then, "IF" you are required to go to Plan B, all those amenities will disappear and she will be GBLOGBD-needless, meaning those needs will no longer be met by you, and more than likely will not continued to be met by OM either. A wake-up call for your wife I would say.

You're doing good GBLOGBD, this is a very tough situation at best. But you have made progress in your Plan A efforts. Continue on Plan A but be careful not to become a doormat.

I'll bump up a thread that was written by a MB member that will help you understand what Plan A (and Plan B) is really all about, but you have to promise to READ it, k?

Best,
Jo

I will try anything at this point, what have I got to loose, My wife left with the kids.
My kids will always be my kids, not so sure about my wife.

Steve:

I, 2, think you did remarkably well, considering.

Keep it up, an have a good Christmas!

best regards,
-ol' 2long

ok, Christmas I call and tell my kids I will pick them up at 10:00 that we are going on a trip. The wife has them call and asks me to pick them up at 11:00, I tell them no. I arive to pick the kids up at 10:10. The wife complains that I could not pick them up at 11 like she asked, she then says but 10:30 is fine, I ignore this, I know she has been sick so I asked how she was. She just stood there shaking her head saying how can you be so mean?, I just smile and tell the wife I will have them back Sun Night, she asks me to have the kids call, I ask her what time she wants them to call, I make sure they call at the exact time last night. She asked what we done, I could tell by the answers the kids were giving. The wife is telling me about how much money she spends on Med for the kids, the med has Complimentary sample on each bottle, I know she got samples from the Dr but told me she spent 150.00. Do I ask her about this ? when Do I tell her I know 100% that she had an affair or do I ?

You are such the gentleman in all this, gl.

If it were me, I would tell her nicely that I know she has had or is having an affair and let her know that it is hurting you VERY badly. I wouldn't tell her in person, but that's just me. I would write her and tell her. But how can you expose the affair if she does not even know you know about it?

The OM's mother has said she knows about the affair and that my wife will not be welcomed in her house if things continue the way they are, my wife has to know i know, I have not come out and told her, early on I asked but of course she said no, the OM is now telling people " we are just friends" when asked about my wife.

Hi Steve, just tell her to give you the bill and you will pay half of the medicine cost. She can pay the other half. But don't pay anything without the bill.

And of course you should tell her you know she is having an affair. There is no reason to withhold it. I would just be careful about getting into a fight with her about it. Be firm and straightforward and let her know that you know she is having an affair with the OM. As far as "proof",[a common nutty request from a guilty WS] you don't need to prove what she already knows.