I have mixed feelings when reading that your WW has come home. On one hand, she appears to have met your conditions for returning home. On the other hand, she seems to have come home as a last resort. Is she simply using your financial support to gain get her feet back on the ground, in hopes of reconnecting with the OM as soon as she has the means to do so? Will she become involved with someone else if the OM moves out of state? You need to keep your expectations low until you get a feel for what she is really after. Stick to your guns and ask her to leave if she will not abide by your rules, no matter how many tears she sheds.

Since WW has moved back in, life has been hectic. Not because she moved in, but because of the holidays and work schedules. I haven't spent more than about an hour with her since she came back last Saturday. Her new job has her working on a revolving schedule and it just so happened it is opposite of mine at this time. I've called her every day and left little notes so she knows I am thinking of her. She was off yesterday but when I got home her and oldest D went shopping so again I didn't have time to be with her. She did ask to borrow the car and then complained in a joking way that she always has to put gas in it. The car she bought is brand new but it doesn't have the luxuries of my car. Actually, I bought this car for her 2 years ago but when she left she couldn't afford the payments. Anyway, I told her she could use the car and she didn't have to ask and I said I hope that it will be our car anyway. She laughed and said, no it was gonna be her car. That kinda made me feel good because it felt like she was saying she is here to stay...

I know she has things to do and she is starting to go through withdrawals, but I just want to hold her and be there for her. I hope I will do a good job at this and eventually start to fill her well depleated love bank. But, I also felt a little depressed last night. I knew coming into this it was going to be a long process, but having her home just wants me to push things faster than they need and should go. And it doesn't work. She is not ready and it just kinda hurts...

Well, today is Christmas and I have a lot to be thankful for. I have the greatest kids in the world and a wonderful wife(somewhere lost in the fog right now) and we will be all together like it should be. The girls stayed up late hoping that we'd let them open presents after midnight but I put my foot down just like every year and said wait til morning. Well its morning and everyone is sound asleep, I'm on my first cup of coffee and feeling pretty good. Life is great!

Good for you! You sound great!

Just remember, strong but caring. Don't be so strong that you slip into any LB's, but don't be so caring that you become a doormat. Find that good balance and do your best to stay with it.

Strong but caring..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LWH your W's humor is a good sign that she is feeling good about her life. You might want to consider adding more humor to your lives to help your personal and marital recoveries. Does she like going to comedy clubs? if she does then try to take her more often when the two of you go out on a date. Remember that if there is any chance for her to fall in love with you, then you must do everything in your power to spend at least 15 hours a week together without any tag alongs otherwise your both just going back to the way things were before the affair.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

LWH,
don't mean to be a grinch but has she sent the OM a no contact letter yet? in fact...are you sure that all contact has ceased? very important!
coach

Coach,
I hate to say you are right, but you are right. I had a relationship talk with W this morning. She is going through withdrawals and wants to go back to OM. I also found out she has had contact with him since she came back. I didn't want to push the no contact letter until after Christmas. Well, I'm a mess right now. She is at work and I don't know what the future holds. She wrote me a letter that said she does not love me. She said she was scared of starting over before but now she feels she can. She says I deserve to find someone that will love me. She says she never was really in love with me because she never felt love until she met the OM. She says she has a lot of guilt and she doesn't want to hurt me any longer by staying and not being able to be what I need. She says what she has with the OM is not about an affair, it is about love and relationship. She says she wants to be there for him if he were sick or whatever and that she never felt that way for me...

So, is this all fog talk? Was I that deficient in my ability to meet her needs? Will I ever be able to meet her needs? Will she let me be the one to meet her needs? All are questions that are going through my head right now. I don't know if she is going to leave again or stay. She had to go to work. I don't know what to tell her. I've tried to explain that her feelings are like so many others that have had affairs, but this only angers her. I've tried not to love bust and I haven't yelled or even raised my voice. I haven't talked down to her and all I've done is love her since she came back. Maybe I've been a little too agressive. I don't know what else to say to her to help her stay. I'm kind of a mess right now and don't know what to do...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong> She says I deserve to find someone that will love me.....She says she has a lot of guilt and she doesn't want to hurt me any longer by staying and not being able to be what I need. She says what she has with the OM is not about an affair..... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Umm, did she and my wife read from the same script or something? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I edited out a sentence or two that was different, but what I quoted above is EXACTLY, I mean as close to word for word as I can remember, what my wife told me the night before she moved out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

That said, I would say that it is certainly "fog talk". As for how to handle it, well, I sure wish I knew, but hopefully those more experienced than myself will have some ideas for you.

nearly every betrayed spouse here will tell that you they've heard almost identical words.

nearly every wayward spouse here will tell you they've spoken almost identical words.

it's fog speak.

Fog talk... I know, I've heard it before... So, what can I do, or is there anything I can do to convince my W as such. I don't know if I can go through her leaving again. This will be #3 and I just can't put myself or my kids through this again. Is there anything more I can do?

you won't be able to convince your wife of anything until she hits bottom. a lesson discovered on her own is much more powerful than anything you can educate her on, anyway.

you have choices. you have boundaries. if she decides to leave again, i recommend that you move immediately to plan B ... and a really good one.

Consider working out with her a FIRM plan for finances and visitation and possibly a seaparation of marital assets. Let this be a precursor to legal separation. Get it notarized or file it as a legal separation if you can. Let her know this is the first step to a D.

This doesn't have to lead to D, but it will protect you, and enable there to be no contact with each other (it should all be spelled out on paper).

She has become a yo-yo, returning when she wants her "family" fix. Let her know that when she leaves she is breaking apart the family. Make it harder for her to come back...therefore harder for her to leave next time.

Will a D happen? Maybe, are you prepared?

You can always get M again after a D!!!