The O/W called our house today and also my husbands old cell phone #. And then she met him where he ends his work day. Is there anything I can do to get her for stalking him?????? He said he has told her we are trying to get back together. He hasn't heard from her in 3 months, he said......... He said I am making too much of this. He said she just asked how he is doing and all. He even lied when I said if she approached him would he tell me. He said yes...... And yet 3 min. before he was talking to her at her car. He said he did nothing wrong. She approached him and said we were trying to make a go of it. But is there anything I can do to make her back off of us so we CAN move on????????? My blood pressure was 150/117, I am making myself a wreck over this......

No Lefty,

There isn't anything you can do. But there is plenty that your husband can do...and he isn't doing it.

Your H needs to make her go away. Has he sent her a no contact letter?

I had mentioned that to him in the beginning and he said telling her would be enough, but I will ask him tomorrow about the no-contact-letter. That way it would be in writing. I will send it where she must sign for it. That way she will know we mean business. Thanks

He said he will NOT send her a no contact letter. He said saying what he did to her yesterday she should get the hint. He said he said that we are getting back together and that should say it all. I feel this won't be the last of her.......

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lefty:
He said he will NOT send her a no contact letter. He said saying what he did to her yesterday she should get the hint. He said he said that we are getting back together and that should say it all. I feel this won't be the last of her.......

Dear Husband,

This is what I want for Christmas.

I want us to both make our marriage a safe place for each other. A place where we can be honest and each offer the other all our love and devotion.

I am not safe until OW is completely gone from your life and our lives. Please do this for me. Lets write a letter to her jointly, and both sign it. Let's get started today providing warmth and comfort and protection for each other.

Our lives will be so much safer when this threat is removed from our marriage.

Sincerely and with love,

Lefty

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I still can't sleep just knowing he keeps lying to me, especially when when just a few minutes before he was talking to her. He said he lied because I looked upset and I did just get out of the hospital last week and he didn't want me to have a heart attack. I told him by lying he is making it linger, instead of telling me the truth right then and there. At least then I would say "Thank you for telling me." But no, he continues to lie. He said next time if I have to approach him about something like that, tell him to think, really think, before he gives me the answer. In other words, he will probably lie again unless I trigger his brain into telling the truth. My brain just can't understand that, I guess. He did tell me to be totally honest with me he can only try his best. So should I just accept dribs and drabs and go on and stop bringing this O/W up all the time. I get where I'm getting his trust back a little and she popped into the picture again. I totally believe it was all her doing but doubt sets in since he lied. My daughter says I don't let things rest, even with her and my son, so they all seem to say I dwell on the same subject over and over and its annoying to all of them. They are right. I try to get my point across, or think I'm helping, but to them they want me to say it once and drop it. So I have to work on that. That seems to be one thing he did mention that he didn't like about our marriage. But like the counselor said, all couples don't have affairs because they are tired of someone doing something that bothers them. Sorry I got side-tracked. So is my daughter right?? Should I accept baby steps of his lies and hope he will be totally truthful one day with me? Or am I right on insisting that total honesty is what I deserve even though he might have always been dishonest to me over the past 35 yrs. but I never knew it..... Thanks for opinions---

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> My daughter says I don't let things rest, even with her and my son, so they all seem to say I dwell on the same subject over and over and its annoying to all of them. They are right. I try to get my point across, or think I'm helping, but to them they want me to say it once and drop it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I had some good ideas to offer you, but I am strugling with the same problem about myself. So as far as that's concerned, I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who does that.

Good luck to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lefty,

The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.
**********************
It is obvious to me that your husband doesn't care if you live or die, as long as he can avoid hurting this OW's feelings or cutting her entirely out of his life.

It is obvious that he doesn't want to rebuild a marriage with you. Or he would end contact with her, however brutal that had to be in order to get the point across.

****************
It is additionally obvious to me that you are getting something out of all this crisis with your husband being less than honorable.

If this were not so, you would have been posting differently than you are now because your writing is exactly the same frenetic, angry, "MAKE HIM CHANGE" "HOW DO I MAKE HIM SEE" HOW DO I MAKE HIM CARE" kind of posts.

Do you feel superior to him?

Are you prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice? Do you feel that by risking your health because of this crisis that your martyrdom will make him sorry he did what he did?

Do you really want advice, or do you want sympathy and emotional "there-there" responses?

KaylaAndy,

Just because it really hit me, but I don't want to hijack lefty's post, I'd like to respond to your comments as they relate to me on this thread...

How do you do it?

Lets face it cheaters are liers. You are on the wrong track when you say "How can I stop her from chasing him". Its what is he doing to get rid of her. Not trying hard enough i guess. I had to deal with this crap too. "I don't want to hurt feelings" But what about yours.

Start taking care of yourself. With blood pressure numbers like that you are heading for a heart attack or stroke. No one is worth your health. Remember, If something happens to you live still goes on. And the H will still be making eyes at the OW. Chill out and good luck.

Every time I go to card there are minutes used on our calling card. I use it for the pay calls. Whenever I go to cards minutes are missing. Tonight he said he called my son to see how he was doing and to fix some machine. He always calls normally from his cell phone but on card night he calls from the calling card. I called my son and he said he couldn't swear to it but he feels his father didn't talk 8 min. to him. That was how many min. were used. If I approach him on this I can't prove it. But my blood pressure is up again knowing he is doing this. Should I confront him with this anyway????????????

He is not doing enough to make you feel secure, he is not asking you how he can help you feel secure, and because of this he is showing a lack of regard for your feelings.

The issue really isn't whether he has secret contact with OW. The issue is that it hasn't clicked with him to care about how you feel.

I read something like this and feel absolute disgust at myself for having listened to years of complete disregard and contempt. You know what? POJA really is win-win or no deal. If he is unwilling to make your M a win for you by considering your feelings regarding how to have you feel confident that he isn't going to be in contact with OW, then he is not looking at a win-win for you. Throw the bum out.

Can I call the O/W and if she doesn't answer leave a message on her message machine that I know where she made the call to my house from, and the we have a record of her making a call to another private phone of ours and that I have a friend that was with me when we saw her going out of her way to meet my husband where he ends his work day with HER getting ME in trouble for doing this. I would not want her to report me for harassing her, but since I have proof and I will tell her so, maybe she will realize I mean business. But, do I have the right to do this, or would my HUSBAND have to do it. He WILL NOT DO IT. Goes to show how much he cares for MY feelings.... But when this happens it upsets me so much I am thinking about my health now and protecting myself at this point. Can I do this??????

lefty,
I really hesitate to respond to you cause you seem to not even consider what anyone suggests.
If you would prefer me to not comment to you, please let me know.

Until your husband is willing to get things sorted out, the ow has very little to do with this.

Until YOU decide what it is you want, you will take no action to get things straightened out.
Things are NOT going to get better, "just because".

Can I call the O/W and if she doesn't answer leave a message on her message machine
Yes you can but I don’t recommend it. It will solve nothing.

that I know where she made the call to my house from, and the we have a record of her making a call to another private phone of ours and that I have a friend that was with me when we saw her going out of her way to meet my husband where he ends his work day
So what? He meets with her and he has no problem doing this.

with HER getting ME in trouble for doing this.
How do you get into trouble?

but since I have proof and I will tell her so, maybe she will realize I mean business.
You have proof of what? That they meet each other?

And you mean business about what? You cannot control your husband and you cannot control her. Your husband wants to see her and he will continue to do so.

But, do I have the right to do this, or would my HUSBAND have to do it. He WILL NOT DO IT.
He won’t do it because he doesn’t want to. Therefore, there is no problem and nothing to report.

Goes to show how much he cares for MY feelings
He doesn’t. And you are not gonna force him into caring about your feelings either.

But when this happens it upsets me so much I am thinking about my health now and protecting myself at this point.
Protecting yourself would be doing something which you have control over. You cannot control him and you cannot control her.
She is not doing anything to you. Your husband is.

Confronting her will do nothing (except maybe get you arrested).

lefty,
you keep banging your head against a wall and expect it not to hurt.

Do you have any idea of what you really want?
Do you have a plan of action?
Are you just afraid of what may happen? (It's okay if you are. No one said this is easy.)

Name three things you would like to happen in your marriage

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Lefty,
I have the voice of experience on this one. I ended up not only with a broken arm but also with a harassment order from OW because of my attempts to keep OW from H.

H can do lots of things and chooses not to.

You cannot force him to keep OW away from him. He can tell OW that he will file a harassment order if she contacts him, but he doesn't seem to want to.

That harassment order was a turning point for me. I finally realized that Sophia wasn't the issue. Lots of Sophias out there.

19 months after D-day, Sophia isn't the issue at all, the relationship that Tom developed isn't as much as an issue, and what really affects me is the utter disregard that Tom had for me that gave him permission to have an affair in the first place.

Your H is showing disregard for you whether or not he is continuing to see OW.

Face reality. It is so much easier to think OW is the problem. She isn't. Face reality again. You don't need to have proof of continued contact between OW and H to know that your H continues to treat you with regard.

Now what are you going to do about it? Are you going to live with it? Some women do.

Personally, I have gained 32 pounds since he broke my arm. I have sedated myself to continue living with a man who shows no care or regard for me.

Can I take back those years? No, but I can learn from them. I'm going to go exercise now....

Regain your own self-respect by doing what is in your control, and one thing that is in your control is to remove yourself from the presence of a man who has cheated on you and doesn't have the consideration to assure you he isn't cheating now.

Oh -- and one more thing -- tell everyone for whom this wouldn't be viewed as gossip. "Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant." His treatment of you brought into light may help him to see just how badly he is treating you.

Chris - Your absolutely right, but I can't get her out of my mind. Every time I wake up SHE is the first thing I think of. I think that's sick and I know its wrong and he should be the issue. But I do feel if I approached her and told her what I thought of her and told her to leave us alone or I will get her for harassment I would feel better. Your right, it wouldn't solve anything. I am very down about my husband not wanting to send that letter to her. To me, that means he cares more for her feelings than mine. He keeps saying I am making too much of what this is. I don't know how he can say that. She had no right to call twice and then stop where he is to say How are you doing.... I told him that she probably broght him another cell phone. He said he wouldn't take it. Chris- I am getting disgusted with this way of life, and I my husband is not doing what he is supposed to do to make me heal, but I don't know what else to do.....I sent him out when I found a phone last time, he went to her, came back to me again, and I'm still not happy with the way things are because of mistrust. If he would have told me that he just saw her and that she stopped by where he was, I would have felt some relief that he told me, but he LIED again, because he didn't want me to have a heart attack. (I just got out of the hosp. 3 weeks ago) and now my heart is weak. When I die put on my grave " died of a broken heart." So this is certainly taking a toll on my health so I have to solve something. He said he wants to stay with me and make a go of it, but I just mistrust him so much I can't seem to let it go. If I keep on his back too much he will probably leave anyway he said because HE can't take my giving him the third degree all the time. And then he puts that guilt trip on me , and yet he's not helping me heal by doing things to secure me. So it seems to be a no win situation. I would like to make this marriage of 35 yrs. work rather than seperate, but the more I see how he doesn't care about my feelings, the stronger I seem to get to leaving him and getting over him and going on with my life. But I'm AFRAID I will feel sick and paranoid like the last time I sent him out. Maybe I'm one that stays with someone just for because of fear of going it alone, but perhaps that is what I am doing now. I sure am not happy with our situation now. The counselor said a nice Christmas gift for me would be to wrap that watch that he came home with from her house when he came home ( he said he bought it himself) and give it to me as a gift. He has it somewhere and won't tell me where. That eats the heck out of me too why he wouldn't give that watch up. He said it was only 15.00 but its a Bulova and priced at about 150.00. My husband is too cheap to ever pay that for a watch, so I know that she bought it for him. So I will see if he give it to me. I said that would be the best gift he could ever give to me. So tell me Chris -- how do I make my mind forget this woman, you make it sound so simple - I know what I should do and that is get rid of him but what if I'm wrong and he is NOT talking or seeing her yet? But I did say to him that he would have to me really a rotten cad if he is still seeing her considering he is going to counseling and all and saying he wants to make it work. But cheaters lie through there teeth just to get what they want. I'm sorry, I'm rattling on, but you are RIGHT, I just don't know how to deal with eat........Happy Holidays to All

What do you think, is it time to Plan A again?

How are you doing with the LBs? This sounds like a very stressful time for both of you. Are you close with each other?

<small>[ December 24, 2003, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Originally posted by lefty:
But I'm AFRAID

Here you dig your heels in such a pitiful emotional rut, that you rob yourself of personal power.

Are you chosing to become a slave to your own fear and misery?

You can chose your emotional responses. If you are a slave to your less noble feelings, I suspect your husband is not much different.

A married couple where both partners are emotionally driven and who are both reactive rather than proactive in their dealings with their problems.... well, is it any wonder that drama is what holds them together.

If this drama stopped, what would be left of your marriage?

Heal yourself, or your marriage has no chance at all.

Pep

how do I make my mind forget this woman, you make it sound so simple
First off, none of this is easy. I understand it’s been a long marriage and for him to simply not want to participate in it is hard.
I know it’s easy to say "do this" or "do that" but it’s very difficult to do it.

- I know what I should do and that is get rid of him
I am not simply suggesting you "get rid of him" either.

but what if I'm wrong and he is NOT talking or seeing her yet?
you said , "The O/W called our house today and also my husbands old cell phone #. And then she met him where he ends his work day."
Did this really happen or not?
Of course he is seeing her and talking with her. Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise just because you love him and have a 35 year marriage and he should be concerned about your feelings. At this time, he is not concerned about your feelings.

Here a few simple things and they are not going to cure everything or make you feel better overnight. But you have a big problem and you need to take it in small steps. As soon as you start to understand what you DO have the power to change anything, you will get more confidence.

Here is what I suggest you do. You don’t need to make a big deal out of doing it.

- End ALL LoveBusters.
- If you have not read "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley, do it now.

- Do not follow him or check up on him.
- Put the phone card in your wallet so he cannot get it.
- Get rid of all the cell phones she gave him. Throw them in the trash.
- Call the phone company and get caller ID with call blocking.

When he is not where he says he is or he was on the phone and says he wasn’t, you KNOW one thing. He was seeing or talking with her. Just leave it at that. Rather than trying to get him to tell you the truth, don’t even ask about it. You know he will lie and you know you will get upset.

Whenever you start thinking about her, take a bath, write a letter to your sister, call your kids to see how they are doing, bake a cake. Instead of stewing about her, do something.

Practice doing these things. Think about what you do or say BEFORE you do it to end ALL LoveBusters.

He keeps saying I am making too much of what this is
It hurts you and that is what you feel. To tell you otherwise is wrong. Feelings are just feelings, they are not right or wrong. How you act on those feelings can be right or wrong though.

I am getting disgusted with this way of life
Lefty, I know you are. Take small steps.

my husband is not doing what he is supposed to do to make me heal
You CANNOT make him do anything.

When I die put on my grave " died of a broken heart."
How about, "I was stronger than I ever expected I could be!"

But I'm AFRAID I will feel sick and paranoid like the last time I sent him out.
You need to understand that YOU have the power over what you feel and how you feel. If you let others dictate this, then you lose yourself.

Maybe I'm one that stays with someone just for because of fear of going it alone
Again, it’s not an easy thing to do.

So tell me Chris -- how do I make my mind forget this woman, you make it sound so simple - I know what I should do and that is get rid of him
I’m not saying you should get rid of him (at least not yet).
But you do need to start taking care of yourself. You were in the hospital because of what he has been doing. And it’s because you were making yourself sick about him and what he is doing.
STOP DRIVING YOURSELF BATTY!!!


Go slow. Take a deep breath. Stop worrying about the little things. NO LOVEBUSTERS!


Happy Holidays to All
Back at ya’ Lefty.