So how's the Plan B letter coming along?

I haven't changed it any from what I posted on the Plan A/Plan B Board. I will want to do a bit of tweaking to it I'm sure, to make sure I'm really using my own words, thus saying what I really mean.

But basically, it's just sitting there ready to be sent as soon as this agreement is hashed out.

Oh, some updates...

Online access to all of her credit cards has now been changed such that I cannot view any of them. But I have confirmed that mailing addresses on two of the three have been changed to where she is now. Also, the cell phone account has been changed to her name, along with the mailing address.

So even though I haven't heard a word from her yet on the agreement I proposed, if nothing else, she seems to be making the changes I requested in there. Maybe she's prepping that before agreeing, or maybe she's just glad that I suggested more ways for her to cover her tracks. Either way, the financial things that were driving me the most crazy are being put squarely into her hands now.

If she agrees to it, she'll have a lot more spending money than what she's getting now. But it'll feel good to get the responsibility for everything else in her life out of my hands. One step towards moving on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No no no no no. NOT moving on. Just protectng yourself.

Yes, UN, we WILL get you spouting MB principles at other people soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LOL!

Sorry, I meant to say moving forward.

Is that better? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Much better! Now I'm going to go read your Plan B letter and comment on it, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CRAP!!!

I came in to work to find her reply to my suggestions. Legal action is inevitable. She's pushing it, and I'm not going to sit here waiting until she does, only to find that she's also turned and screwed me in so many other ways.

Here's here response, her answers are in bold...

--------------------------------------------------

I've thought a lot about this, what you were asking about this weekend, and what I feel would be best for me, and here are my ideas.

1) Paychecks: We keep our own incomes in our own separate accounts. I've switched the type of service on our joint checking account such that there will not be any fees if there are no Direct Deposits. Thus, that feature can be changed by both of us without any penalty. From those separate accounts, we will each pay our own bills. - I will inform my payroll department that my direct deposit account has changed, however, I can not guarentee that it will be fixed by my next check (in less then a week). If that is the case I will be withdrawling the full amount of my check immediatally after it has been deposited.

2) Child Support: You need to get the address changed on this so that I don't have to drop the checks off for you anymore. I will make no claim to this money as a means of paying our joint debts or expenses. - that is good since legally they do not get factored into either persons income by lawyers or judges.

3) Wireless: You need to get this changed to your name for financial accountability, and to your address for billing, as soon as possible, and no later than the end of this current billing period (1/21/04). allready taken care of.

4) Credit Cards: You need to get the billing address on #1, #2, and #3 changed, and take full responsibility for the repayment of these. I will accept #4 as my responsibility. - will do that. I want to know what the last payment made to #4 was as well as #1 were. If #4 was given a huge payment, but then you are now changing things and #1 will not be getting the same equl treatment that you previouslly mentioned, then there is a problem with this.

5) Cars: The insurance is set to renew in February, so before the end of January, you need to obtain your own separate insurance to cover your car. I'll keep insurance coverage on the my car. If and when it becomes necessary, we will also be responsible for the registration of our own vehicles. - fine

6) Consumer Loan: I'll take responsibility for this, since the remaining amount owed on this account, plus the amount owed on (credit card #4), is about equal to the amount owed on (credit card #1). -fine

7) Mortgages: These belong to both of us. The (1st mortgage) payment is about $$$ per month, and the (2nd mortgage) payment is about $$$ per month. Based on our incomes, I feel that you should cover about 35-40% of these payments each month. There are three ways we can handle this...
* You can send me a payment for an amount between $$$-$$$ on or before the first of each month.
* You can take responsibility for the (2nd mortgage) payment each month, in the amount of $$$.
* I take responsibility for both of these payments. In exchange, you agree that I will owe you no money of any kind from my income to "offset" the difference in our incomes. - will you be paying any kind of my rent? I told you this the other weekend, if I will be living with (family) then I will be paying her rent, electricity, water and phone. So will you be taking the Rent I will be paying into consideration? If not then I guess I will be struggeling to pay the (2nd mortgage) payment as well as the other bills. I need you to put my student loans someplace I can get ahold of so I can get things changed on those as well.

8) Living Expenses: I'll take responsibility for all of the expenses related to living in and maintaining the house. This includes all power, water, gas, telephone, garbage collection, security system, homeowners association dues, and so forth. - fine

9) Taxes: We file taxes for the year of 2003 as "Married Filing Jointly". When the refund comes in, we use the money to reduce our joint debt liability. If any money is left over, we divide that equally between us. -how is the payments going to be applied? If the amount of the (consumer loan) and (credit card #4) are equel to (credit card #1) then the return can be 1/2 equally and used as needed by each person.

10) The Rest: You agree that I be allowed to change the security code at the house so that any visits to the house are done with my full knowledge and approval. In exchange, I agree that you have every right to request and arrange a visit to the house to check on the status of our joint personal property contained therein, and that I will neither remove nor sell any joint property during this separation. Additionally, we both agree to be open to the possibility of negotiating and amending this agreement, at reasonable intervals (on or about the 20th day of each month), to insure that each of our best interests are continuing to be served. - NO I will NOT agree to let you change the security code at the house. Especially if you expect me to pay for you to live there. It is still 1/2 mine and so far I have not "snuck" into the house to steel things from you. Anything that I have taken is either been mine before the marriage, given to ME as a gift or the girls's. If you have issues with that then I'm sorry but to my way of thinking that is not negotiable.


What do you think?

My hope is to provide each of us with the kind of separation that will allow us to concentrate exclusively on our individual lives during this time apart.

As well, I need the name and number of the lawyer you spoke to. If you don't feel like providing that then I guess I'll talk to my own.

--------------------------------------------------

CRAP!

She's fighting every damn thing she can, everywhere she can. Jeez! I'm being overly generous here! I'm taking away her responsibility for paying the debts on OUR house, and not even asking her to give up any right to it, other than protecting myself from her coming in to clean it out!!!!!

I'm talking to my lawyer ASAP and filing, and I won't say another word to my W until after I've done so.

This is wrong. Very wrong. I just don't care anymore. I don't want anything todo with her ever again as long as I live. I just want this sickening, disgusting, spiteful, hurtful, selfish, greedy, pain-in-the-A out of my life forever.

The end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

And the responses I'd like to send, but won't...

--------------------------------------------------

And why should I have to pay your rent? You've decided to abandon this marriage and everything in it, then that's YOUR PROBLEM!

As for you whining about paying for me to live in our house, WHERE DO YOU GET THAT FROM?!?! You are 50% responsible for the hundreds of thousands of dollars we owe against this house, and I'm telling you that I'll cover it all by myself as long as you don't start asking for money from me! Or, you can cover just over one-third of that whole debt. Again, why should I have to pay all of OUR DEBTS, then turn around and also pay more money for YOU to ABANDON ME?!?!

For the tax refund, YEA RIGHT! Like I'm going to give you half and just TRUST YOU with it? So I take my half and pay down some of OUR DEBTS, and then you take your half and run off to have more fun in your numerous affairs? NOT HAPPENING!

As for the lawyers, why? I'm trying to work out a temporary agreement here WITHOUT spending time and money on legal actions! The only reason to bring lawyers into it is to put a permanent end to this whole thing! If that's your decision, then GET ON WITH IT, and stop being such a greedy, selfish little W***E!

--------------------------------------------------

But, I'm not sending any of that. She won't hear from me again until after I've got legal arrangements in place.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

UN. Stop it stop it stop it. This is the same reaction you've had ten times before. You need to be in Plan B. Divorce and legal action WILL NOT END THIS.

Please do me a favor. Contact Penny Tupy today. If you're not willing to do that, then by god, call ME. You're in a spot where your emotions are leading you down a path that is not going to get you what you need.

How can I say this to make you understand??? By fighting more, you DO NOT get what you want!! You want this mess to end and you think that fighting will do it, and it won't. The only thing that ends it is when you walk away from the fight and into Plan B. You desperately need an intermediary to take you out of the path of the pain that your wife is causing you, and that's why I want you to contact Penny. She's started assigning her mentors to work as intermediaries in situations where they're needed and someone doesn't have one. PLEASE, trust me on this and call her. Please please please?

Or, alternatively, you've got about 10 minutes from 12:17 eastern time to send me an e-mail at justj_mb@yahoo.com (after that I have to leave to catch a plane). Send me a phone number and I'll call you.

And one more thing. She's fighting you because she's fighting you. You're fighting her because you're fighting her. It's NOT ABOUT the specific stuff. It's about the incredibly powerful emotions that you feel about each other right now. DO NOT ACT ON THESE. Your emotions are leading you in a direction that is not healthy for you or anyone else. Think of this exactly the way you'd think about a physical fist fight. When you're enraged, your entire body wants to engage in the fight. But it's STILL better to walk away, to NOT FIGHT.

Please, UN. Walk away from this fight. The only way to end it is to do that. Get yourself into Plan B and away from your wife; she's hurting you so badly that your emotions are in overdrive and you're doing things that aren't going to get you to where you want to be.

You know...

If my W was a good person who had made a mistake and found herself confused about everything, that'd be one thing.

But I can clearly see now that my W has always been this selfish, inconsiderate, greedy person, and this behavior is just who she is.

I was just to stupid to see her for what she's always been, through all of these years, through all of her actions, through all of her affairs.

She's not a good girl gone bad. She's a bad girl that's finally been exposed to me.

I'm sorry. I respect you all and I respect the ideas here. I really wish that I could make them work for me. But they can't and won't. Not for my marriage. Not for who my wife and I are as individuals or as a couple.

I hate her. I despise her. There is nothing she could ever say or do that would make me ever want to have anything to do with her again. She could come to me on her knees, beggin for forgiveness, apologizing for anything that's ever upset me, promising to do anything and everything to turn this around, and all I'd want to do is laugh at her and say "Too late. You don't deserve my love."

Yes, some of this is just venting. But there's nothing there anymore. I thought about ending our marriage as far back as 6 months ago, maybe even longer. Way before I knew about any of the current stupidity. She's been done in the marriage for at least that long, and I think I have been too. I'm afraid that we've just waited WAY too long to address any of this, and by the time we got here, it was too late.

UN, I felt exactly the same way on Wednesday. It is good that you are able to vent here, to let it all out. I was SO angry by the insanity of my wife's behavior and was just plain fed up. Continue to vent here and not at her and things will lighten up a bit. I am still fed up with my wife, but I am holding off filing anything right now. I too feel like my wife is not even worth it, so much damage is done, too much hurt. I see her as a person who is evil, beyond selfish, and just not that intelligent of a person. I cannot see my wife as a good person at all right now. But you know, I loved her. I married her. If it is true that she is not the person I married, that she is, like so many say, an "alien", then I hate the alien. Just sit back, be fed up, and ride it out. Feel what you are saying, vent on here, and don't let her see or hear any of it.
This is crazy what we are going through. Totally irrational and senseless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by solon:
<strong> and don't let her see or hear any of it </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? I really don't care how she feels anymore, about me or our marriage. I don't want her back. I really don't. I don't want to be divorced, but there's nothing good that this marriage could ever offer me in the future. I'm sure of it.

I'm just lucky that we don't have any kids together. I'll miss my stepdaughters, and I'll send cards and gifts and make phone calls to them on holidays, but the rest, I don't care.

I just want this woman out of my life, as quickly and permanently as possible.

Keep in mind that it doesn’t matter what she agrees to.
Even if you gave her every thing you have, she will still complain about it in some way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Uncomfortably Numb:
[I respect you all and I respect the ideas here. I really wish that I could make them work for me. But they can't and won't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">because you didn't bother enough to develop the discipline and strength it takes to implement them. well-intentioned and awesome people volunteered their advice to you, and at every turn you acknowledged its value only to toss it out the window and instead focus on the audacity of your wife's behavior. frankly, nothing she has done is surprizing.

the ideas at mb can't and won't work for you because you choose for them not to work. perfect implementation or not, your wife may still never return to earth. the harley's are up front about that fact.

the things that are taught here go much deeper than saving just THIS marriage. these things could very well save your next marriage, too.

go ahead and throw in the towel. no one here will criticize you for it because we know every marriage cannot be saved—nor should every marriage be saved.

the fact of the matter remains: the principles that guide a betrayed spouse are the foundation to building healthy and happy relationships. if you fail to use them as a basis for growth and real change you will continue to struggle in future relationships. period.

the choices are yours. the easy one is to do as always you do. the hard one is to do differently.

you'll be amazed at how liberating it is when you give 100 percent control to the other person ... and how quickly they crash and burn because it's much too much for them to manage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> because you didn't bother enough to develop the discipline and strength it takes to implement them. well-intentioned and awesome people volunteered their advice to you, and at every turn you acknowledged its value only to toss it out the window and instead focus on the audacity of your wife's behavior. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right. I can't even explain my feelings or actions anymore. I don't even know what my true feelings are anymore. I'm trying to recall my real feelings for my W and SD's when this relationship started 7 years ago, as it developed until we got married 4 years ago, and through everything else right up until today. It's rough, because I'm really not sure which feelings and memories are genuine, and which ones are skewed as a result of recent events.

I guess that with everything that's happened in our R over the years, I've just reached my own personal breaking point. I certainly hope and expect that I'll learn a lot from this, and be able to carry those lessons with me for the future, whatever that brings, and with whomever it might be shared.

I just don't feel strong enough for this. I don't feel like I have what it takes to make this marriage work. The ideas all make sense to me, but when it comes time for the real-world tests, I'm unable to put them into use, or unable to stick with them long enough to give them a chance to work.

Maybe she's right. Maybe I can't change enough to give us a happy marriage. Maybe I'm just too stubborn and inflexible, or maybe it's just too large of a trip for me to get from who I've been to who I'd need to be.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

Hi UN,

I'm sorry you are so conflicted now.I was hoping and advising you in such a way that I had hoped you could get to where I am now.In this Plan B that I am in,I am not making any major decisions so I can reflect on what is going on now and what I want in my future no matter what WH is doing right now.

But like whippit said,you have consistently focused on WW actions and words instead of the advice we all gave you and doing the Plan B and I thought you were almost there.Perhaps you can still get there if you can just get past the financial agreement stuff and then you can put everything else on the back burner for awhile.

I'm not quite convinced that you are going to really throw in the towel,not after all the discussion over the past few days.Maybe your emotions are just running high and it can take a few days to come down.I have been there but thankfully alone at my home when it happens.I am still going to do some waiting but not too long that's for sure.

O

Yea...

I can't seem to get past that. I can't seem to separate myself from her in that way. Maybe it's being all alone every time I go home...every time I wake up in the mornings...knowing how different it's going to be from what I would like it to be.

It's probably very unhealthy to feel this way, but she has been the entire focus of my life for so long, I can't let go. I know, 7.5 years isn't really THAT long, but for me, it's about 7 years longer than my next longest relationship, and about twice as long as any friendship I've even had.

But everything she does matters to me. Everything she's thinking and feeling is important to me. What she likes and dislikes, what makes her happy and sad, what she might be hoping for and dreaming of...

It all comes back to things that I said a long time ago. I've wrapped my entire life up in this M and family. I've had little to nothing else to look forward to for many many years. So removing myself from her life seems to create such anxiety...that I'll then have nothing at all to look forward to now.

Maybe I'm not explaining it right. Maybe I don't even understand it well enough to try. I don't even "see" what's causing my need to know and be involved. Heck, with everything else I've discovered since she moved out 5 weeks ago, I have yet to say a word to her about ANY of it. Not the airfare, gifts, toys, hotels, or anything else except phone calls, and even those I only mentioned VERY briefly when letting her know that she hadn't gotten any extra long-distance charges when making calls to that state (no mention of "him"). So it's not like I've even been using it as more ammunition to throw at her or anything.

I just have this insatiable desire to know what's going on in the life of the woman I loved and married. The only way I can see for ME to get rid of that desire, is to also get rid of that woman. For me, I think it just comes with the territory.

OPEN LETTER:

I am the WS of a long time Marriage Builders member whom a lot of you seem to love and care about. She has told me about the great benefits she has received by participating. I can see that you all genuinely care for her, and I am thankful.

Because of recent posts I feel a need to clarify things just a little:

First, my wife is an extremely intelligent, successful, and articulate woman who holds an MBA from a fine University. She also happens to be very attractive.

But I would put forth that anybody here who thinks they have the “full background” is mistaken:

There have been multiple serious life endangering episodes of violence, which have also put the children at serious bodily risk.

She has tried to run me over with her car five times (succeeded once). She threatened to kill me with a hair dryer while I was in the tub. I have been beat while asleep (not “passed out”), had shirts torn off, had water dumped on me as I was late for work too many times to remember, hot coffee to the face, nail polish remover squirted in my eyes, been kicked in the ribs, basically any of the bad stuff you might imagine.

I have seen an entire restaurant empty to pick up my child from the intersection where my wife dropped him while chasing me on foot. He was in the street, on the ground.

I have multiple scars on my arms and neck from the violence.

Whoever was talking about the crazy dynamics that I set up, I am sorry to say you are very wrong. Shame on you for your judgmental rhetoric!

My wife has been on and off of medication for TEN years, including medicines for bi-polar disorder (manic depression), personality disorder, and emotional problems. She has also been diagnosed with many of the “generic” problems, including anxiety, depression, and drug dependence.

I have known her for TWENTY years.

I spent TWO YEARS of living with her while she would not brush her teeth, and would scream “Bring Me My Medicine!” and SPIT ON ME when I brought it, saying “Next Time Don’t Be Late!”

I explained that I would have no choice but to move out if things did not get better. I gave her one year. I also discussed this with her parents repeatedly, who encouraged me to stay extra time; I did so. I ended up staying 13 months and 3 days. It was agonizing to see someone I love so much self destruct, but I felt that someone was going to end up dead if I did not leave.

The final straw was when I heard her repeatedly denigrating my son, who had dressed himself for school, with an apparent dirty shirt. Her abuse of him lasted for at least 10 minutes, before I came down and said “It’s Our Fault.”

It was then that I realized the violence was carrying on to my children, and I knew instantly that I would no longer stand and watch it again.

My child was crying. I remember feeling when I was able to “escape” without water or coffee poured on me, that the sole reason had been the fact my son took the abuse for me that morning. I feel so guilty that I was glad.

Now, after two long years of constant violence, my wife got back on her medication, because I demanded to stop counseling without it, and, at 15 weeks ago I am sure you all saw a different change in demeanor, as the medicine began working. Out of 12 years of marriage the longest time span my wife has been on this medication is 8 months- six years ago, and during those 8 months was part of the best times of our life.

That IS the reason I am jealous- NOT because I do not want another man for her, NOT because I am so shocked at the divorce, but because I have waited SO LONG to see this side of my WIFE again.

There is a single guy who is now dating her. This is after 10 months with one counselor, 3 months with another, and 2 sessions with yet another. I have found the children home alone on (17) occasions in the last five weeks- always after 9 PM.

The last time we had counseling (this week) “Mommy is gone again”, this time at midnight, and after I had the kids together she showed up- with Darren in her car. She later explained after a long series of lies that in fact she was taking him from one bar to another, and had just decided to come home with him for “a minute”… Whatever!

He circles the block whenever I am there. I have received strange phone calls, and a mysterious note with a bag on my door: “Thanks for the $5 Tip, What’s it For?”

Today when I called her room in Hawaii her roommate asked me if I was Darren; she said “She is in the shower, but I can get her out if this is you, Darren.”

Before I would start purporting to know “all of the facts” I might think about the possibility that a lot of times there IS another side.

I will continue to try and save my marriage; your prayers are greatly appreciated, but quit bickering about my business until you have unfortunately walked in my shoes. –J


ADDENDUM:

I wrote the note above some two weeks ago, and decided to wait and think about things before posting it. I was angry, and as part of my healing, I have been looking at how I deal with anger- and learning to step back and take a breath before I express my feelings.

My wife and I have been in counseling, as some of you might know, for 20 months. We recently began counseling again- after it was evident that she was taking her medicine. And of course, as those of you who do know her know by now that the “Cheater Man” –or whatever you guys call them here (I have my own words for him these days)- began.

Now she has told the children, after 3 months of dating him, that they may get married. This man who I have talked to on the phone and tried to explain the history of the mental illness, and the children, and the fact that we have been trying to put our marriage back together for 20 months- bought my kids a puppy for Christmas.

On Friday of last week I was supposed to have the kids from 10AM (The day after Christmas) until the 5th of January. My wife asked if the kids could go to a party with a lawyer lady she knows from work, and that she needed the job with her. I of course said OK; she was supposed to call at noon and confirm that they’d be with me by 2PM. So, I cleaned and cleaned- she had promised to come in and have a cup of coffee with me- and I was excited. Come 4PM I still had not heard from her. I called her house 5 times, which I would later learn that my son had seen me calling, but was prohibited from answering the phone.

At 9PM she called me from a bar and said “I only have 5 seconds to talk so make it quick. I am out with a friend.” She said she would call in a minute back. Then, 46 minutes later she called and said she was too tired to bring the kids home. I said “I will just come get them then” and she eventually said OK, after I reminded her that this was my time with the kids.

When I got there, she was obviously very drunk. The first thing my 5yo said to me was that “We’ve been at a drinking place!” He said that the other guy had given him quarters and told him to go have fun. This is a bar in Houston that is KNOWN for being a seriously rough place- it is a biker bar. So anyway, my 11yo son showed me the new puppy, and I was a little surprised.

The next day, my 5yo says “Daddy, [name omitted] doesn’t have a mother”. And I was like “I am sorry to hear that”. And then my 11yo goes “Well, I guess he just has problems”. And I was like “What problems?” And he says “Well he keeps telling us how his mother used to hit him in the shins with a rolling pin, every time he did any little thing wrong”. And I am like “What in the world is this guy telling my kids that for”???

Then, I am watching a kid video with my 5yo, and he starts clinging to me real tight, and I am like what’s wrong Wesley? And he says “Daddy, xxxxxx is going to put John James (my 11yo) in jail”. And I am like what???? And he says “it’s true- xxxxxx is going to put John in jail.

And so I called my 11yo and was like what?? And he said, “Well xxxxxx and mommie went to take Wes to the Mexican flea market to buy a dog and I didn’t want to go, and then they came back drunk, because they had been at the xxxxxxx xxxxxx bar, and they said we are all going to Joe’s Crabshack to eat, and I said I was hungry but did not want to go- and she never brought the food from Kroger that she said originally where she had gone with Wesley, and she said why? -and I said “because I don’t feel good about it- I think the guy is a psycho”.

So then my wife grabs the Rolling Pin and begins chasing him around the house- but she’s drunk enough where she can’t run straight. My son yells “I am going to call 911 if you hit me with that!” and then xxxxxx gets in my son’s face and screams “I’m going to give you a reason to dial 911!” –while poking his finger into my son’s chest. Yes, unfortunately it did leave bruises, and yes I have photos, and yes I have a CPS claim, and yes I have petitioned the court for a temporary custody order, and yes my lawyer wants $3500, and yes I will pay it….

In the end, they went to Joe’s and had “special dessert” and my 5yo said they all sat around and toasted / laughed that John was not going to get the “Special Dessert”. Then, they went BACK to the xxxxxxx xxxxxx bar and DRANK MORE- this is when she called with “5 seconds”. Finally, they came home and announced to John how they had had the dessert and laughed that he did not get any.

My kids tell me that mommy and xxxxxx drink “forever, for hours” and “then we get in his car and he drives fast”. I said “where do you go?” and they said “bars”. My 11yo tells me xxxxxx’s car is parked next to where he gets on the bus each morning for school. What’s up with that?? 3 months of knowing this guy?? I am beside myself that I have been married to someone for 12 years who capable of this kind of behavior.

Yes I cheated! Yes it was wrong!! Yes I am sorry!!! God, please help me…


jim_barfield@msn.com

Wow...that's a terible story. I'm sorry to hear it.

So what does this have to do with me and my wife?

Hi Un,

I can understand what you are thinking.I have been with my WH since I was a TEENAGER! I have not been with another man or had to even think much about anyone of the opposite sex for almost 20 years now.My WH was basically my whole world in the sense that our relationship was my foundation,my core being.Yes I had friendships and other relationshops and activities and work in my life but to me,marriage was a sacred loving foundation from which all the rest of my life took off.

Now that has been ripped out from under me and I have to grow in ways I hadn't had too for so long, like learning to be alone and take care of MYSELF.So I understand why it is that everything about your WW matters to you,it is NORMAL.If it didn't matter and you didn't want to know,then you would have been long gone in the marriage by now.

You and I and everyone else DO have a lot to look forward to in our lives because I refuse to believe that ONLY marriage is what we are in this life. I have to believe that and deep down I do.

We are dynamic human beings and it's like telling someone that you are only worthy in this world if you are married,or have children or go to church,etc.There are many facets to our lives but sometimes I think we lose our identities to the roles we play.People are not *only husbands and wives,we are mothers and fathers,sisters and brothers,aunt's uncles,friends and helpers,etc.Not to mention the roles we have in society in the work that we do,the churches or other places of worship we go and the contributions we make,etc.

I believe that it comes down to how you see yourself,your self image and your self esteem.If they have not had a chance to grow then we can desperately hang onto that which is comfortable,familiar,easy.

I remember saying to myself(in my mind) one day while I was driving: "God,things in my life are so great right now and have been for a long time.I wonder what challenge will come my way now" and I laughed to myself.Well,in the next few weeks,I got the biggest challenge in my life and I kid you not,that is exactly what happened.And by now,I feel that I could face just about anything because I have been dealt one of my biggest fears and I am here to say that I am surviving it! It sure as heck is NOT easy and I am still coping but whatever comes my way in the future,I am stroger and more clear than ever about who I am and what I want for myself in this life.

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