appreciate all the help and support. will do.

will keep you posted

hey, I did some research on the Internet on WS's Lover (Internet Affair) and found his parents' email addresses. Should I send them an email? What should it contain? I did a search on the forum and could not find anything on this...

Talked to WS. She says she has not talked to him in a while. Did not say whether or not the A was over, but I doubt it. She is too addicted to OM.

In the last 3 days, I've sent out an email to all of her family and friends exposing the A and then a follow-up email trying to explain her side of the story. Telling everyone what I've done wrong and how I've changed and want to get her back, but will give her all the space she needs and will support (may not approve or accept, but will be there for her) all the decisions she makes even they do not make sense to me.

The 1st email was a major LB, the 2nd one went over better as she says I had good intentions. Should I wait with the email to OM's parents? Give her some time to cool off? See if the A continues?

if the consensus is yes I should send the letter to his parents as soon as possible, I'd like to get some feedback on the rough draft of my letter to them:

*************************************************

My name is __________. You do not know me, but there is something very important that you have the right to know. Your son, _____________, is having an Internet Affair with my wife _____. We live in Anchorage, AK, USA and have a beautiful 17 months old daughter. The affair has been going on since September’03. My wife has left me on December 11, 2003 and has purchased airline tickets to meet your son, ____, in London in January’04.

I love my wife and always will. I have married her for life and consider her my lifetime partner and am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage. This affair is too painful for me to bear and is destroying the love I have for my wife.

By continuing this affair, your son is contributing to the destruction of my home and family. I appreciate any support you can give me to end this affair and to save my marriage.

Sincerely,

________________
*************************************************

I followed the guidelines for Plan B letter. What do you think? Good enough to go out?

and one more thing. She had asked me today to stop "broadcasting the details of our relationship to everybody". I said I would, but if someone emailed me, I'd respond and use my discretion as to what to say. Should I CC my WS on this letter to OM's parents?

I recommend "no" on the message to OM's parents - for now. If she actually gets on the plane, maybe.

You've exposed the affair to the people in your wife's environment who potentially have influence with her. Further "broadcasting" cannot improve their influence with her and will be more LBs for you.

If OM and his family lived in the same town as you, perhaps contacting his parents would be good and necessary. Please remind me - is OM married and did you get any response from him from your message to him?

Reminder: OM is not the problem. He's just any port in the storm right now. I'll be surprised if she gets on that plane, and if she does, that her trip turns out the way she fantasizes it will. If she doesn't go or if it's a huge bust - you are only temporarily better off. She'll locate another port and it starts all over.

I say this only to emphasize that your Plan A is your best course of action right now. You HAVE to demonstrate your improvements. This is the antidote for your wife's unhappiness with your marriage - regardless where she drops anchor next.

WAT

thanks. I was not sure on this one. OM is not married. He is 28 years old without a job or a place to live. he stays one night at some friends, the other night at other friends' house. Was talking about moving back in w/hir parents.

I know he is not the problem I just wanted to maybe make him realize that she is not worth the trouble (has a baby, family aware of the affair, husband still going after her) and that he would break off the affair himself.

She had sent an email to everyone early this morning stating that she is sick of everyone being against her, that she does not want to hear from anybody unless it's an apology (for being against her actions/decisions). There was a paragraph to me at the end of the email, saying that I brought everything onto myself, she has thought everything through and is not willing to work on the marriage any more.

Do I just ignore her comment to me? and think it's her "fog-talk"?

All fog-latin.

A 28 year old unemployed boy who lives with his parents doesn't give a rat's a$$ about the consequences of his actions or what you think.

IF she gets on that plane and actually goes to see this child, it could be the quickest route to recovery you will have - if you do a pristine Plan A in the meantime.

WAT

hey, WAT, thanks.

i was thinking the same thing. on the other head my WS is such an airhead and I don't think she really cares about financial stability and all that (even though she is used to a very comfortable financially stable life w/me). Also, it will be like a vacation without the "real-life" adjustments, so she may fall in love w/him even more and get physical (that's what scares me). talking sex, emailing naked pics and getting naked on a webcam is one thing, but getting physical is another. I do want her to go and get him over with, but I am scared too. Plus, she had announced that the OM was not even the reason she wanted to separate, she was unhappy for a long time and was thinking about separation/divorce for a long time. Fog-talk again? I am sure she was not happy, but she did not try leaving until he came around.

I seem to be unable to get through to her to meet her ENs as she had shut me off completely. It hurts every time I talk to her and get nothing back, but I still try not to let her actions (nothing in return) make withdrawals from my LB...

Should I respond to her comment in the email and tell her that I still love her, etc.?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
on the other head my WS is such an airhead and I don't think she really cares about financial stability and all that (even though she is used to a very comfortable financially stable life w/me). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she's not an airhead. she's having an affair and the the needs you're meeting don't really matter much. in time they might, but not right now.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, it will be like a vacation without the "real-life" adjustments ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it might and probably will be like a vacation. there's nothing you can do about it ... in fact, that's the way it should be. it's part of the process that a ws goes through. let it happen. like wat said, it could be a faster path to recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... so she may fall in love w/him even more and get physical (that's what scares me). talking sex, emailing naked pics and getting naked on a webcam is one thing, but getting physical is another. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">actually, they're the same thing. it's too late. she's already 'been physical' with this guy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plus, she had announced that the OM was not even the reason she wanted to separate, she was unhappy for a long time and was thinking about separation/divorce for a long time. Fog-talk again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you betcha it is. waywards are experts at revising history. they do it so they can cope with their hurtful behavior.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I seem to be unable to get through to her to meet her ENs as she had shut me off completely. It hurts every time I talk to her and get nothing back, but I still try not to let her actions (nothing in return) make withdrawals from my LB... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and you're not going to be able to get through to her right now. additionally, if you've communicated to her properly that her behavior is hurting you (and i believe that you have), then you've made your case verbally. stop talking to her about this and just do your plan A. now is the time for action.

she's going to continue to hurt you until she decides to stop. in a way, it feels like you're giving all the control to her. the reality is that this is your source of power. it releieves pressure on you and shifts it to the affairees. they won't be able to withstand it for long.

don't get me wrong; your life will still be uncomfortable in the coming weeks/months and you will struggle to be the man she wants you to be (let alone the man you want to be).

if you slip today and wake up tomorrow still married, then you have another opportunity to be successful, to be better than you were before. we're not perfect creatures, so don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes. dust yourself off and change accordingly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I respond to her comment in the email and tell her that I still love her, etc.? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no. like i said, you've made your case with words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
<strong>talking sex, emailing naked pics and getting naked on a webcam is one thing, but getting physical is another. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm a guy, so I know what you're feeling at the thought of your wife getting physical with another guy.

But please trust me on this: Emotional, romantic affairs are a LOT worse in women than sex-only affairs. Once they're at that point, any continuation to being physical doesn't seem to make the affair any worse - it's just worse for us guys thinking about it.

So, please accept that it's already about as bad as it's gonna get. This guy in the flesh DOESN"T HAVE A CHANCE at meeting your wife's expectations from a distance.

IF she gets on that plane, the very best thing for you to do is give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her to have a safe trip. "I'll be here when you get back."

WAT

thanks for both of you.

when I was first confronting my WS on the A, she was telling me "He is just a friend" and all the stuff all of them say. I told her back then, that an EA is worse that PA, because you give the OM your heart, thoughts, soul, etc. She agreed w/me eventually after reading an article on EAs in Cosmopolitan.

As far as her trip goes, I was even planning on taking her to the airport.

It is clear to me now (from your posts) that I've made my case and should stop w/trying to expose the A to other people. Will do just that. Will sit back and watch and let the time rule the situation. Oh, it's not going to be easy. I am a problem solver and a fixer in my heart and it is sooooo hard to just watch something without taking action especially when you know "how to fix or solve" and see whoever is trying to do something screw up. BUT I CAN DO IT.

I'll keep you posted as to what happens next.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU AND ONCE AGAIN A LOT OF THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE ON THIS POST. THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT PLACE TO VENT, GET SUPPORT, REASSURANCE, ETC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
As far as her trip goes, I was even planning on taking her to the airport.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good. it's what you should do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a problem solver and a fixer in my heart and it is sooooo hard to just watch something without taking action especially when you know "how to fix or solve" ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you're a man. it's what we do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BUT I CAN DO IT.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes you can!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and to you.

I am back. Hope everyone had a good NYE.

wife asked me out to a dinner tonight. she wanted to talk about taking the baby. the main reason being that she thought i was using her as a tool to hold on to her (wife). i was (maybe still am. too confused right now) a manipulative control freak and that is one of the reasons she had left me. of course, i was not meeting her ENs either.

she also thinks that i did not change, but am just making myself look good in front of her so she changes her mind and comes back (back to me being manipulative). told me that even if i did change she does not want anything to do with me. even if i was a perfect man she just wants to be on her own. says, we could be friends, but nothing will ever come of it. does not want to do counseling, think about getting back together, just wants to be out on her own.

she had aslo told me that she has not talked to OM (on the Internet) in quite some time and does not have plans on talking to him. I believe her. She is still going to London though (that's where he is), but is not planning on meeting him. I think it is safe to assume that the affair is over.

as you know, i've sent out an email to all her family and friends exposing the A. she is not spending any time w/her family, but i am. quite a bit actually. she says that I took her family away from her. that she is very mad about the email and will never forgive me for it. says, the A was not an A, just a distraction (I have evidence proving otherwise). maybe, she was not taking it seriously?

what do i do? should i kill all the hope for reconciliation in me and move on w/my life? should I teach myself to not love her anymore (I could start dwelling on her negative sides; that'll probably turn me off)?

I truly believe that she has killed all the feelings for me and is serious about being alone and never ever getting back together w/me.

i suggested that we stay friends, talk on the phone about how our day went, go out to dinner, go roller skating, or ice skating. she did not seem to be interested... says would like to be friends, but does not want to, because i'll still be hoping that our marriage will work and that will hurt both of us...

HELP!!! SO MUCH WANT TO JUST SAY SCREW IT ALL AND START MY LIFE OVER, BUT STILL CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE W/OUT HER, CANNOT IMAGINE COMING TO AN EMPTY HOME (OR TO ANOTHER WOMAN), GOING TO BED W/ANOTHER WOMAN, WAKING UP W/ANOTHER WOMAN...

why should i suffer if she'll never turn around? i could just move on...

Hi,

Here's a woman's perspective:

1. Your W's comments/threats about you not changing is a bunch of WS crap. We have all heard versions of that played to us. Her point about not trusting you or not seeing any significant changes s/b played back to her. Let her know that she is the one who s/b under the spotlight, not you. Don't bow down and make any apologies for being a faithful H.

2. As for your daughter, you should keep her with you. You are the sane parent here. Based on her irrational actions, do you really trust that she will take proper care of your child? Blow out the fog..... think here.

3. If she wants to go to London, let her go with her own $$, don't give her any and don't take her to the airport.

4. In fog time, 2 minutes of no contact with the OP is a 'long time'. 2 hours is forever..... don't get sucked into her phrases. Do not take anything at face value.

5. If she is hell bent on going to London, don't accuse her of seeing the OM. Say it more like, 'well there seems to be a compelling need for you to go....other than that guy, can't imagine what could draw you there so much.... hm....' Let her know that you daughter stays in the states. Say something like travel is not safe and since your W doesn't seem to care about her safety, you can't stop her but you can and have decided to keep the child....she can call it control or any other name but the police c/b notified if she wants verification of an unbiased 3rd party. Then drop it. Let it ring in her ears.

6. As for notifying OM's parents, prepare the letter as you have and hold onto it. You can always send it later.

7. If she accuses you of ruining it with her family, let her know that you informed them so that when they see her being irrational they will know why and not just send her to the psyco ward.


JMHO,
L.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 02:27 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

thanks.

as for the daughter i'll never ever give her up. she is going to stay w/me. i'll hire all the attorneys in the world to keep her. and no my wife is not stable enough (financially or emotionally as she suffers from depression) to take care of my little baby girl. she did want to take her to London, but i said no way that was happenning. she told me today that she decided not to take her. i said "i'm glad you did (decide not to)".

see my problem is I actually believe her. i now think that her EA was just a distraction even though too much happened in conversations and over the webcam. i really think she is over him. i also believe that i've been too bad of a H for a long time (as far as emotional needs go. i've always provided and did stuff around the house, washed and detailed her car, brushed the snow off of it, and all the stuff men do for wifes) and that she will not come back. she said she felt hurt, angry, and emotionally abused from me. i can see her point and i can see the mistakes i've made. but i know how to make it work now if she just gave me a chance. tears are pouring out of my eyes. i love that woman. i want to be with her and i want to show her how good of a man i really am and how happy she can be with me.

i am still going to stick to my Plan A, but it's going to be tough if she does not spend any time w/me. she stayed here for a little while tonight and we had a lot of fun playing with the baby and then when Yana (my daughter) went to bed, we talked about neutral things (her work, friends and what funny things they do), laughed a lot, etc. i wish i could have it all the time. she is such a great woman...sorry for all the rambling, but i can't stop thinking about how good our life could be.

i told her that i informed everybody as i was/still am going through some very rough times and the email to family and friends was just a scream for help and emotional support. i've never liked most of her relatives, but we are very close now and that pisses her off. she says that that just tells her that i am only playing a game and trying to turn them away from her. that i still do not like them, but am making myself hang out w/them so i can tell them more about "my bad wife".

thanks for your post orchid, but i am just at a total loss and a big mess right now... need a place to vent and somebody to talk to. it's a middle of the night and everybody i know is sleeping. this emotional roller coaster is the hardest thing that's happened to me.

also, she is still denying the fact that they got naked on a webcam and i do not have any evidence to prove otherwise (the SpyAgent was uninstalled by then as it was killing me to see it happen).

i read an archive on one of their conversations. she had asked him why he got on the net naked and then he was asking her if she wanted to see his "cup". they were talking about him having a nice and large "cup" for a while. then she said she asked him if he wanted to see something. he was saying stop teasing me, i am not going to be able to go to work now, will have to take a cold shower, etc. he did say that she had nice breasts. she had later explained to me that her shirt turned out to be see through on a webcam and it was not in real life... (i don't buy it). anyway, it was obvious to me that she was exposing herself to him. he had also said that she had a nice "cux". Does anybody know what it means. I searched the internet for this word/acronym and cannot find anything. would really like to know what it means.

thanks

i've been thinking about the whole thing again and what scares me is do i need change my tactics? do i need to do something else now that the A is over (hopefully)? I am also getting more and more convinced that the A was not the reason for separation, it was all the stuff i've done over the years? I'll continue to work on myself, etc., but is there a different approach to restore marriage if the separation/divorced is caused by something other then an A? Does Plan A/Plan B work for situations when there is no A?

appreciate any feedback.

P.S. I am also doing 180 by Michelle Weiner-Davis...

First - a big ditto to Orchid.

Your wife is following the WS script perfectly.

The affair is not over, IMHO. Why go to London? If she wants to get away, why not go to Hawaii - right Orchid? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, I agree that the affair is just a symptom of pre-existing problems.

Don't beat yourself up for your past marital sins. We all have them, some worse than others. You're doing the right things - owning up to your faults and taking steps to improve. I promise she WILL NOT credit you or acknowledge your improvements until her head comes out of the fog. Please do not take her seriously about all the re-written history.

Please see a doc about some anti-depressants. This is a very common need for BSs - myself included. Do it for your daughter. She needs you to be the best Dad you can be, and getting your emotions under control is part of that.

Keep up the good relations with her family, but walk a fine line here. Continually emphasize you desire to restore your family and HELP YOUR WIFE. Talk of her as if she's ill and needs help and care. In fact, this is exactly the case. Defend her to anyone who questions her "goodness." She's acting bad, but she is not bad.

WAT

feeling better today. thanks for your continuous support.

there is times when i just wonder if all this pain is worth it. if there is no chance of her coming back, i don't want to satisfy her every need and feel stupid about it. she had hurt me a lot and i just don't feel like i should be nice to her.

These feelings are normal - please sit up straight and swallow your pride. Did you read what I said above about seeing a doc? It will help.

WAT