yeah, i think i am going to have to see one. i've never had depression problems and was always looking forward to my life and was happy w/myself and the way my life was going. but, this is just too much. i've never felt like being lazy, not getting up, not wanting to go to work, staying home and staring at the walls, etc. i'm trying very hard to not be that way because 1) it's not like me and 2) i got a baby who needs a lot of my attention and fun time.

thanks again.

Again, you're normal. All symptoms of depression.

This doesn't mean you're permanently depressed.

Here's what happened to me:

Couldn't sleep. Was wide awake at one point for 48 hours straight - totally wired. Other times I slept in 15 minute increments - with a few hours of "wired" in between.

Lost weight. I went from 145 pounds to 120 in a couple of weeks.

Panic attacks. Severe bouts of utter hopelessness. These attacks were at least once a day - sometimes more - until I got on the anti-d.

Fter getting on the meds I slowly returned to normal. So will you.

WAT

WAT:

I hear you. I am having the same symptoms: can't sleep, feel like a zombi, food does not have a taste anymore, losing weight, went from 150 to 140 in a week.

you know, there are times when I think about our relationship and I put all the blame on myself, and then I get angry and frustrated because she has not been meeting my ENs, was not trying to fulfil the marriage (i guess she was but she was making the same mistake as I am. giving me things women need and not men). i just don't know what's right and wrong anymore.

I really hope everything works out for you and appreciate you staying in touch. how do you keep yourself going? are you still hoping that your marriage will work? I really want mine to work, but I am losing hope like crazy. like I said, I just so much want to say screw it and start my life over. maybe move to a different state or even back to Russia (that's where I am from originally). do you mind sharing your story? I cannot figure out how to search for posts by username otherwise i would've read yours already.

The reader's digest version of my story is in my sig line, below.

I consider myself "recovered." I am in a new relationship that benefits from all I learned here. My lingering challenge is helping my son to grow as normally as possible, given the hand he's been dealt.

I recommend you read as many other posts from other BSs and WSs here. You'll see yourself and your wife over and over and over and over...... You'll learn a lot. Start responding to others, applying what you've learned to their situations. You'll be able to do this more objectively than applying it to your own situation. This "practice" will pay off for you as you cintinue the roller coaster ride.

hope all is well.

W called today and wanted me to come over and fix their garbage disposal (She is staying w/some friends) and a dishwasher. I guess it was backing up pretty bad and overflowing and the man in the house was "in a class plus he does not do that kind of stuff"... thoughts?

P.S. i am starting to enjoy my single life...scary

forgot to mention. i did go over and fixed the disposal. discovered that there was no problem w/the dishwasher. it was just backing up because the drain line was plugged up. tried sneaking it w/a wire hanger, but did not get it. told them i could not get it as it was plugged up pretty far down the line, to get a hold of their landlord and left.

W called today to tell me that they needed the desk we have. She said they'd give me the one they have (she is staying w/her friends). I said ok. I told her when we just separated that she could have everything we own, except for the house and the baby. I don't really mind giving the desk to her, but it's not for her, it's for the friends she's staying with. Maybe that's how she is paying her rent to them???

I think my LB is almost overdrawn. I don't have any good feelings left for her and am starting to hate her. Shouldn't a person have enough decency to realize that I need the desk too. Plus, she has never really worked (part time here and there sometimes) or brought any money into the house so everything we own is bought with the income I had.

Should I deliver the desk to her? I am sure she's gonna ask for help taking it apart, transporting it and putting it back together. Should I help?

I am almost at a point where I want a divorce myself. Want her out of my life, but I know she's always going to be around because of the baby. Should I move to Plan B? I don't want to see her, don't want to talk to her, don't want to go out and have fun w/her. She is really being a BI**H and I am starting to hate her. She is trying to take everything away from me.

one more thing... hopefully I can get a woman's perspective on this as well as a response from a guy.

Would finding a girlfriend at this point be considered an A?

W told me straight out that we are over (I know i should not believe it as she is fogged up, but I do believe she meant it), I feel like I don't want our marriage to work anymore (she has almost overdrawn my LB account), and I need a good female friend. Plus, just like any guy, I need some pretty lady to spend time with, go out and have fun, make love, be respected, admired, appreciated, etc.

you're still married. wait until your marriage is over in the eyes of the law.

Asaap6

Your W always turns to you when something goes wrong and needs fixing. Anytime you put your foot down you feel bad about it. Do you think that maybe she sees you as someone she can manipulate/control? What if you were not always available. What if you said that you need the desk. Don't tell me that you promised her everything because you have the right to change your mind!!!! She may get mad and try to say things to hurt you but by setting limits your life will be easier and she will not be able to manipulate you as easily.

Beau

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: SonofWF ]</small>

Beau:

you are correct. She does turn to me every time she (or someone she knows needs help). Today, she came over to pickup the desk and was 2 hours late. Said that her friend's truck won't start. Was asking me to go fix it (fixing cars used to be my hobby). I told her I did not feel like going anywhere tonight plus me and a friend of mine were gonna go play some pool. I think she asked me a total of 3-4 times before giving up. I do feel like she is trying to just use me for whatever she needs (doormat).

I am getting very sick and tired of her and want to go to Plan B. Like I said in my previous posts I am starting to hate her, yet every time I see her I want her back so much. I really need to go get some antidepressants... She's got the baby for the night too... Friend cancelled on the pool...

She was picking up some other stuff at the house too and there is this "bill organizer" she bought several years ago (a $0.50 thing) and I asked if I could keep it... She said "It's mine" and a couple of minutes later "Yeah, you can have it. I'll go get another one. I know you don't have as much money as I do". I have a professional job with a good salary. She has never worked and just got a job as a server at one of the bars, so she gets a bunch of tips and says cannot spend the money she earns fast enough. I know she is only making $7/hr and about $100/night in tips. That's way less than what I am making, but I've got a ton of bills she does not (mortgage, house insurance, car insurance, medical insurance for the baby, etc.). Plus, I am still paying for her medical insurance and her car insurance. One day she says she cannot pay me back right now, but will eventually and the other day it's "I know you don't have as much money as I do". I asked her if she was going to start reimbursing me for the insurance and start helping me with the debts she got us into. She just said "I thought you were going to take care of our debts..."

I want to wait with going to Plan B though until she comes back from London. I want to see what happens when she is out on her own without anybody around and I still think she is going to meet the OM. Think it's a good idea?

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1. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No girlfriends! You'll just lower your opinion of yourself, and give more justification to your W about what she's doing.</font></li>
2. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Set your boundaries. If you think she's taking advantage of you with those requests to fix things, then just say no. She doesn't even deserve an explanation, sweet or snotty. A plain, simple, no, without qualifying it, is all you need. Not "No, because I've got plans...no because I'm tired...no because if you want those are favors I only do for people I like..." Just plain "No."</font></li>
3. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand your feelings, and think you may be ready for Plan B. Do your best Plan A up until she goes to London, and wait for her to get back. You never know how she'll feel or what she'll say once she returns, so wait that out, and be prepared with Plan B if she's not ready to reconcile. You may not get the good results you want, but it'll be the first step to "removing her A and other behavior from your life" as you would be doing during Plan B.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks everyone.

I will wait to go to Plan B until she comes back from London and we have a chance to talk about her trip. Just plain talk about what she saw, how nice it was, etc. Maybe look at pictures...

I am thinking of also waiting until she gets an apartment and gets a bunch of bills she does not have now (rent, utilities, her own car insurance, groceries) plus her credit card statements (which she got after separation and ran them up already) will come in.

On the other hand, I know she is really PI***D off at me for sending out that email. I want to give her some time to cool off. She is not being nice or reasonable right now and is acting towards me w/a lot of anger in her.

I know I can make it. I can handle all the abuse she has for me. I've lived w/her for 3 years with none of my needs being met (figured that out after reading SAA and completing the questionnaire at the end of the book) I can handle a couple more months. I am strong, I am tough, I know I am doing the right thing and I can stick with it... (sorry, just had to give myself some reassurance)...

Have you thought about the possibility that the marriage is over? Your W is not emotionally mature and there is no commitment on her part to the marriage. Have you thought about obtaining custody of you child?

Beau

Yeah, I have thought about it. I just cannot accept the fact that it may be done and over with. But sometimes I do feel like I should just say screw it. The only thing that is holding me back right now is it's only been 3.5 weeks of separation, she has not gone to London yet, does not have her own place yet, etc. I want to give it some time. I am hoping she will realize what she walking away from and come back. But who knows. She deserve every chance to come out of "fog" and I will do my best to give it to her.

In any case, I WILL fight for custody of my daughter until I die.

W is talking to some local guys on the Messenger now. And is still talking to OM even though says she has not for a while (I confirmed it).

Who knows. Time will show. I am just tired of riding this emotional roller coaster, but can still handle more of it. I just hope I do not completely hate her by the time it's all over. Like I was saying before I am starting to get a lot of negative feelings towards her. I guess, it's not towards her, but towards the things she is doing (taking advantage of me whenever she feels like it, trying to date someone else, still going to London, etc.)...

I'll be around MB for a while. Need a lot of support on this emotional roller coaster. Trying to find a good friend, but am afraid to. One, it's going to have to be a female (i am just not comfortable talking to guys about personal problem (MB and Internet is different as you do not see the face)), and two what if I start feeling something for her? I know it's not going to be real, it'll all be fog, our relationship will be based on a lot of my problems, and then the emotional roller coaster will become even more complicated. Plus, if I do get into a relationship and my wife turns around it will hurt her and I do not want that... Like I said I want to give her every chance...yet, it is so tempting...

I've been thinking about this whole "marriage is over" thing. From reading other posts, it seems like it would be a premature decision for me. I see people waiting months and years for their marriage to reconcile. I think I should Plan A it for about 6 months and then Plan B it for about 6 months as well. Thoughts? Comments? Woman's perspective?

I've been thinking about this whole "marriage is over" thing. From reading other posts, it seems like it would be a premature decision for me.
Bingo!

I think I should Plan A it for about 6 months and then Plan B it for about 6 months as well. Thoughts? Comments?
In SAA, Harley recommends 6 months of Plan A. He now seems to be changing in that he thinks Plan B should be started as soon as the ws does NOT end the affair.
But until you get "professional advice on it, I'd recommend 6 months.

Also, he recommends 2 years fopr Plan B <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . This may seem like a long time but it is to help you finaly "just get over it".

Not in a "rush" to get a divorce, are ya'?

Yes, time is on your side.

Listen to this and listen well: don't give up.

Here's why:

None of us knows what's gonna happen to your marriage. Your wife doesn't know, even though she may pretend to know.

But you can know this with 100% confidence: if YOU give up on your marriage, it will end. Period. If you fight for it, but your wife makes it end, you will be able to go forward without guilt, knowing you did all you could.

This is what happened to me.

The freedom from guilt is priceless.

WAT

there are several reasons for not getting a divorce. One, in spite of all the things my W is doing and the fact that she is emotionally (and otherwise) immature, I still love her. She is a wonderful intelligent person. Probably, the best one I've met in my life. She knows people and relationships better then anyone I've met, yet fails to apply the knowledge to our relationship. Talking to OM in London as I am typing this message.

The other reason is I am from Russia and my immigration case is not over yet. It would be more expensive for me to finalize the process if we got a divorce.

WAT: once again, thanks for your continuous support. That is also one of the reasons I don't want to give up: I'll eventually feel bad about ending it prematurely and what am I going to say when my daughter turns 13 or whatever, looks me in the eyes and says "daddy, how come you and mommy split up? what have you done to keep her?" At that point, I want to be able to look right back at her and say "sweetie, things happened between us, but I've done everything within my power to make our marriage/family work and to create a wonderful home for you". What do you think about the 2 years for Plan B? I guess it all comes down to "How long does it take to stop having things reminding you of your relationship hurt you?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
Trying to find a good friend, but am afraid to. One, it's going to have to be a female (i am just not comfortable talking to guys about personal problem </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">then find a female counselor. you run a grave risk by befriending a woman and confiding in her your marital issues. it's how affairs start every day.