whippit, thanks. You know, I know it with my brain, but then there is a part of me that goes "Your marriage is over. Go and finally get your needs met, get laid, etc. And even if your marriage is not over, it's ok to have a girlfriend, look at your wife. If she does come back, you'll just break off the affair".

I do realize that that's how a lot of affairs start, yet it is so tempting so I just keep posting it here just to hear people say what I already know: "DO NOT"...

hey, just found out that W has been looking up guys in London and sending them flirtious (not sure how to spell or even if the word exists) emails. Is this normal? Do all WSs look for as much opposite contact as possible? Or what's going on? This upset me... I thought she just wanted to take time to be on her own and not meet OM. But now she is looking for more guys?????????????????

I don't know what to tell you other than, "No, it's not normal." What culture is your wife from?

Dropping back to basics, I guess she's looking for attention. Is there something in her upbringing that suggests dysfunction in relationships? A flawed relationship with a parent, perhaps?

When there are deep psychological issues, MB principles may not meet the needs. Have you sought out a counselor?

WAT

WAT:

She does have a troubled childhood. Her father had abused her mother in front of the kids and just said "it's ok, mommy needs to be punished sometimes". They eventually split up, kids stayed w/the father and were also abused. She was then molested by her new mother's husband. Did not get much attention from father or mother or family in general. Her parents abused alcohol and light drugs in the beginning of their relationship. Some guy was stalking her for a while in her teens as well and almost raped her. Pretty troubled upbringing, but we've talked about it multiple times, she has read a ton of books, went to counseling, still taking anti-depressants, etc.

I know she is starving for attention right now as everyone (except for one of her friends) turned against her for what she is doing. I truly thought/still think she was over it (well, not over, but at least realized what's right and wrong and came to senses w/her childhood).

Both, her father and mother have changed tremendously over the years. I've never known them the way she (or they themselves) describes them. They are great people with all the right beliefs and values. Do not drink, do drugs, or all that stuff anymore. Her father got over his anger/abuse problem. I mean both of them are just great people. Her grandma (after divorcing her grandpa) has gotten herself in an abusive relationship as well (W knows all about it).

Like I said before, she is a great person, she has a great family. All of them are normal excellent people. I have never known them when they were "bad", but I do know that they are great people today.

As far as counseling goes, I've talked to a couple different counselors here and was not impressed with them. Want to find someone who believes in MB practices, but do not have enough energy to undertake the task. W says no way she is going to MC, said would get IC, but I do not think she has done anything to find a counselor. Can't help her there until she decides to go and she is not gonna w/me.

Do you think she still has a lot of feelings for me and feels really bad about breaking up and is trying to get me off balance, to get mad at her, etc. so she can justify the break up? actually, no she does not know that I know about her "looking up guys in London" or that I have a way of finding out as she has completely moved out and is living a separate life. Or maybe, she is trying really hard to find someone good so she can say "I knew our relationship was not good and I am worth a lot more. Look at this guy I am with"?

Any suggestions?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
<strong>Do you think she still has a lot of feelings for me and feels really bad about breaking up and is trying to get me off balance, to get mad at her, etc. so she can justify the break up?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't know, other than to say that she may be trying to rationalize her decisions. Self justification is a powerful force.

Perhaps you should seek IC - to get suggestions for what else to do.

WAT

I know I really need to get myself together and get some counseling.

should I still Plan A it?

had to go run some errands so it gave me a chance to relax (i relax when i'm driving) and think about it. and i think i still need to follow plan a.

she has never been out on her own. i took her out of her unhappy home w/her dad and created a nice environment. so, she has never done anything herself. she is probably scared to death of going to London by herself and is looking for as much support there as possible. Flirting is just what gets guys interested, but she does not realize that she can get in a lot of trouble by meeting someone she me on the internet. i think she really needs me (well, someone. she won't let me be there for her) and i want to be there for her even if she is going to be a [censored] about it.

i'll call her tomorrow, see if we can just talk about random neutral stuff. what do you think?

^^^

W called again. Said she bought a CD Player for her car and wanted me to install it. I said no as I had plans for tonight, but did not tell her what I was planning on doing. She asked me if I was dating someone since I was being so secretive about my plans for tonight. No I am not dating anyone and I told her that.

Should I keep helping her? Isn't it still a Part of Plan A?

tomorrow is my B-day and I am having a party at the house. Invited her as well. She said she did not want to come as she "did not want to see everybody". I am still planning on having a ton of fun, but wish she were here.

what do you do when W does not want anything to do with you? I mean, I try to go do things w/her but she just blows me off-busy, working, don't feel like it, will think about it, etc...

how are you supposed to implement a good Plan A when she does not give you a chance to?

P.S. Latest update: she's got her profile posted on all the personals sites you can think of. Status says "single", not divorced, not separated, "single". I know she is talking (Internet) to a bunch of guys...

AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED IT'S OVER.

W left for London this morning. I called her yesterday and suggested that I take her to the airport. She was happy to have me do that. Later on she called me from work and told me not to worry about taking her to the airport as someone else was going to do that. I asked who and she said "the DJ from where I work". I don't have any proof but I know there is something going on between the two of them.

Then she came over in the middle of the night and wanted to talk to me. So I said OK. She ended up telling me that she was not going to London to see OM just wanted to be by herself. Also told me that she spent 3 hours on the phone w/him (she used my calling card and thought I already got the bill and knew who she called) explaining him that she did not want to see him anymore, etc., etc., etc. Also said she has not talked to him in a while. LIES, LIES, LIES. I have proof that they have been talking and even made arrangements to meet up as soon as she arrives in London.

She also found one more OM there. Has been talking to him a lot. From what I have it was another full blown A. Sex talk, etc. I also know that she ran a "Romantic compatibility report" on herself and him on the Internet, which said that they were perfect for each other. She has also made arrangements to meet him and to spend time w/him. They even almost decided that he was going to stay in her hotel room while she was down there.

I am tired of lies, deceit, and constant betrayal. when she was explaining the reasons for going to London, she was said "not that it's any of your business, I just want you to know". And I said "you are right, it is none of my business and I do not want to know what you have to tell me. That is your life, your relationships, you make the decisions and I do not care anymore" and walked out of the room. It was a LB as I had a major angry outburst. I wanted to get the house keys from her and she said no as it was her house too. A couple of minutes later she was trying to explain that she needed the keys because "that's where all the Yana's (our daughter) stuff is and she needs to be able to get it should she need it". I am having the locks changed as soon as I can around to it, but I know it's gonna be done before she comes back from London. I am sick and tired of lies and her actions. I've made an appointment with an attorney and I am filing for a D. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...

I believe that you have come to the correct decision about W. She is to immature to be married and care for your child. Document, document so that you can get custody of your child.

Ignore her until the divorce is over. She only hurts you time and again. Go into a dark plan b and DON'T tell her what you plan to do. Just do it.

Take care

Beau

I have been documenting everything, but stupid me deleted the snapshots from the webcam as it was too much for me to have them/look at them. But I do have all the emails and chat conversations...

we'll see what happens.

assap6 - I recommend you not make any decisions right now that cannot be undone. You are understandably angry and emotional. Any decisions made in this state are more likely to be regretted later. Decisions need to be made on rational logic, not emotion. Just look at your wife - her decisions are being made on emotion and look how stupid THEY are!

Believe me when I say we've seen lots worse situations than yours that eventually wind up recovered.

DO NOT change the locks and do not do anything that can be used by your wife as justification for her decisions.

DO NOT have any more angry outbursts.

DO be the best Dad you can be for your daughter.

DO inform your in-laws as to what is going on.

You need to be the rock here. You need to be the rational, stable one. You need to stand squarely on top of the moral high ground and DO NOT stoop to her level by going off half cocked on angry emotions.

You have no need to immediately go out and file for divorce - unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure you want one. I don't think you're sure. I think you're just mad.

Do want to be right, or do you want to be married?

You are right, right, right and she is wrong, wrong, wrong. We know this is true. But it will take a while to convince your wife of this.

Now, what do you want? A broken home for your daughter? Or a chance to rebuild your marriage after your wife comes home?

WAT

Also assap - start a new post titled, "WS left to visit OM" or something like that. Refer to this post for background.

WAT