Pepperband,
are you still around, I'm looking for some wisdom

Is there anyone out there that can help.

I'm here sort of..got company...but will check in ...
what's up..
ark

Originally posted by goodhusband1:
As you may be able to tell I am impatient and want resolution quickly and swiftly I have been prewired for this.

Hi.... Happy New Year!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Have you ever felt unloved, lost, confused?

And if you have ever been in such an emotional messed-up place ....

Have you asked the one you love for help, because you are hurting soooo much .....

And your lover is impatient and in a hurry for you to get back to normal so that they can feel better....

Are you self-aware enough to realize you might be too impatient and not especially helpful for someone who is hurt and needs you?

This might be a tough thing to recognize about yourself, because it is unflattering. I know, because I was ( sometimes still am ) such a person .... and I believe you and I are alike in some ways.

Here are some pointers*

*Hold her next time you see her.

*When you hug her, don't release until she decides to release first.

*When she is speaking to you, stop all your thoughts and simply listen.

*Do not formulate any reply that sounds like advice or instruction.

*Demonstrate a willingness to wait lovingly while you allow her to reveal her softer side to you .... when she is ready, not when you demand it.

Do you go out into the garden and shout at the flowers that they better hurry up and bloom, because you are in a rush??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The part of your marriage that you can work on is your personal failings as a lover and a husband. Provide your sweet wife a soft place to fall when she feels sad or hurt. That's what women need.

If you become a patient, warm and sincerely considerate husband .... you will reap the sweetest fruit of your life! A woman who adores you and who would grow old with you with an open heart.

Pep

<small>[ January 01, 2004, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks Pep
I understand your advice I do have to learn to be patient. My biggest fear is that she won't except my apologies.

What do you think about?
I get flowers, a card & cook dinner when she gets back from her trip. I have also written a letter to her these days should I include it with the card?
I would also like to pick her up at the airport, but before she left I told her I could not pick her up so she made arrangements for her sister to pick her up, then when I spoke to her after I sent flowers to her on vacation she was very upset with me and said to leave her alone and let her enjoy her vacation. I told her than that I would pick her up she responded NO you couldn't before & now I got my sister to pick me up. She has not called me since Tues Night & I am respecting her wishes by not contacting her should I call her sister and ask her to tell my wife that I miss her Love her & would like to pick her up at the airport?
What are your thoughts.

Well she very well might not accept your apology...because the best proof of your remorsefullness for the verbal outbursts...is not engaging in them anymore to the upmost best of your ability...

This may very well have been your wake up call...

and you may come out on the other side...having learned some very valuable lessons...

YOU apologize not based on someones acceptance or rejection of it..but because YOU are sorry...and you don't powerstruggle it...you speak your remorsefullness and then you move on....and show your remorsefullness in action...

you don't ask someone to wear a wedding ring to prove something to you..you ask someone to wear a wedding for you to prove something to them....

have you thought about inviting her out somewhere...

are you going to tell her how much you missed her...

really missed HER..
ask of her well being...show concern
is she eating well
is she sleeping
is she feeling healthy etc...

focus back on you...
many people feel that men in general want to very badly fix things...anything and everything...

many people feel that woman don't always want things fixed persay...they just want someone to listen to them..
so what often happens is wife starts sharing some situation with her that she justs wants someone to listen too..
Husband immediately quits listening once he gets the gist and starts firing back solutions...
but she doesn't want solutions...she just wants someone to listen...

learning to listen is hard...as soon as someone says one thing in a conversation that we want to address we quit listening to anything else and beging formulating a response, plan, or divergence...
and communication goes down hill fast...

You got to let of your fears as well and begin to see the bigger picture of your role in this universe...stop strategically planning your movements based on other persons acceptance or response and start planning your movements based on the criteria that they are compassionate and noble....

our actions define us...and pep wrote out pretty clearly actions of yours that define someone you probably wouldn't want to turn to readily for sanctuary...

and goodhusband...we have all been there...and will be again..
and there are times that the anger and frustration will come out in ways that never will be productive...but you just keep going when it happens...

she expects you to be angry and defensive...give her what she is not expecting...and you will get her attention...

there is even familiarity and in patterns of argueing that even when non-productive occur because it is what is known and what makes us comfortable...

ARK

I really do miss her & I am concerned for her well being. I was her best friend. Yes I am guilty of not listening and I have gotten my wake up call for sure.
I just don't know were to begin I want to say so much that it may cause her to feel smoothered.

I do intend to ask her out to a nice dinner and a movie for starters. I love her & I would like nothing else then to make her happy, I have through the years been giving her what would make me happy and yes I forgot it's about making her happy. Now it's time to change my instincts & habits. I fear the worst and I'm scared to lose her. Is that normal, I feel guilty of driving her away. I feel responsible for her EA.

How can I translate these feelings and get her to understand I mean them!
Is all this a normal reaction ?

What are your thoughts about me picking her up at the airport. Should I get her approval or make arrangements for me to pick her up even though she said no.

I want to respect her wishes and at the same time show her I care and LOVE her by being there for her.
Is respecting what she said more important then showing her I love her?

Hi GoodHusband1

I think by showing your W respect you are showing her Love. Have you considerd writing what your feeling and what your thinking in a letter. This is something you can give to your SIL to give to your W. Let her know what you've learned and what you want. This is just a suggestion.

Time and Patience, and Love are needed for healing. You can't push her into healing, when you push, your just pushing her away. Give her the time she needs. Just be open and honest with her. Continue to read from this site and keep posting and venting here. Better to vent your fustrations here then at home with your W. Gets the pressure off.

Pepperband had some really good suggestions. A hug and a touch when she is down say a lot more then words. So will your actions.

Time, Patience and Love.

One thing you might have noticed the MB is a little slow on weekends and holidays. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (Something else to be patient with. )

Hello silverthorn,

Yes I have written a letter. I was going to give it to her when she gets home. Should I give it to my SIL to take to the airport or wait at home with flowers, a card, dinner and the letter. Keep in mind she will be tired from a 12 hour flight. I miss her. I wish I could get on a plane and be with her this weekend, but I would be invating her privacy that she so desired! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Originally posted by goodhusband1:
1. Yes I am guilty of not listening and I have gotten my wake up call for sure.

Most of us don't know how to really listen without some good role model growing up, or some training as an adult.

2. I want to say so much that it may cause her to feel smoothered.

Shut-up and listen. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

3. I do intend to ask her out to a nice dinner and a movie for starters.

Dinner, yes. Movie, no. You cannot listen to her during a movie. Take her to a place where adults can listen to soft music and talk. Somewhere with a view.

4. How can I translate these feelings and get her to understand I mean them!

Your job is to listen to HER feelings right now. You speak of your desire for her to understand you and your feelings .... well, sweetie, you will just have to wait your turn.

If you are talking talking talking about YOUR feelings, how will you discover the bud of love this woman has in her heart for you?

Shut-up and listen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your desire to manipulate her opinion of you is your worst enemy right now.

Pep

PS...... SHUT-UP AND LISTEN!

Pep you are good.
I wish I got on this forum 3 months ago. I could have avoided many mistakes.
I will head your advice and be patient, shut up, and most importantly LISTEN.

I see the sun at the horizon. Hopefully it's not to late for her to work with me.
Thank You <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Any advice regarding the airport issue.
Should I Pick her up or wait at home?

Originally posted by goodhusband1:
Hopefully it's not to late for her to work with me.

It's not too late.

Have faith in yourself, and in her.

Impatience really is a lack of faith and trust.

Just thought you should know that.

Isn't it funny, you don't exactly know what to do to please your W... "airport, or no airport"...

You need to get to know her again, so you WILL know what will please her.

Have faith and trust.

Sit quietly and think and pray about what would be best.

No one here can tell you .... we don't know your wife.

Pep

Goodhusband1
It amazes me how similar you wifes comments are to what my wife told me 6 months ago. Listen to what she is saying.

"She then informed me she did not deserve me and that she did not love me like a W should love her H."

Why does she feel worthless here? Does she need to hear from you that she is the most valuable thing in your life? How long has it been since you told her that?

"Now she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me!"

How can she love you but not be "in" love with you? This one confused me for months. I came to understand what it ment was. She did love me when I was loving towards her but that had become so infrequent that when she thought of me she mostly remembered the bad things I did. The LBing ect. For her to fall back "in" love with me I had to loving towards her ALL the time.

"but then I found a note in her work papers from someone that read "When can I see you, I love You 7 times"

You understand what she sees in this guy now? Did you leave the door open?

"She begged and cryed telling me she had no control over him calling and that again there is nothing going on nor was there ever anything between them that he is a nice guy with problems of his own"

I doubt she would have begged and cryed if she didn`t love you. So why is she not "in" love with you?

"She is currently on vacation and I miss her dearly so on Monday I send flowers, she called me on Tuesday and gave me a tounge lashing for contacting her and was very upset about what happened before she went on vacation."

My wife did the same thing. She was trying to stop loving me, trying to convence herself that I didn`t care about her, she latter told me. Thats why she was so mad when i called here and told her i loved her.

"She keeps telling me she is confused and does not know what she wants!"

She is confused, she loves you she told you that. But she wants something she`s not getting and she has no idea what that is. Its probably you loving her ALL the time. Making her feel like she is deserving of being loved ALL the time.

"I think we are great together if we can learn how to respect and treat each other with mutual respect"

You mean like when you first fell in love and were the most important thing to eachother? Always on eachothers mind? Love that never stopped saying I love you? Go back to that time. Its not lost its still there.

"Any advice regarding the airport issue.
Should I Pick her up or wait at home?"

I can`t tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I would do. I would go pick her up at the airport. I would start loving her again right then and there. Never again would i say a mean thing to her. I would start with an I Love you. If she were angry I would Listen to her. Try and understand. Then respond with memories of the happy times,back when you both were madly in love with eachother. Its a slow painfull process she may hate you for loving her again at first. Keep at it. It does work.

When I look back at this past year I see how I got so distracted by the adoption that I forgot to show her my love. I love her unconditionally but, I did stop showing her, I put the upcoming adoption as my first priority and she needed me to be there for her. I KNOW THIS NOW!!! thanks to the support and comments I have received in the last few days.

I am going to pick her up at the airport flowers in hand, heart on my sleeve.

You are probably right she will be made at me because she thinks there is something wrong with her, but it's not her it has been me all this time. Thanks to this site I see it clearly now.

Back in the days when we were dating I gave her 1 rose for each month we dated until the day we were married that was a total of 60 roses (5 years) prior to our wedding date. I forgot to do that for these wonderful years of marriage, in which I only sent roses on special occasions. I plan on providing her a Rose garden again in the future.

GH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Originally posted by goodhusband1:

I am going to pick her up at the airport flowers in hand, heart on my sleeve.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... and a tear in your eye... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good luck.

Be careful you don't "expect" anything from her for all your efforts. You do this willingly and gladly .... and freely.

Be prepared to provide unconditional love and support without her meeting your needs. (for awhile)

Watch out for your anxiety. It may get the best of you and cause you to LB.

I think you'll be just fine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mr. Pep and I have 2 adopted kids. Infertility stress can cause much damage in the marriage.

Forgive yourself for all past mistakes .... and move on to make tomorrow bright and wonderful.

Love,

MotherPep

Thanks mother PEP
Yes, I will do everything freely and willingly and not expect anything in return.
I think I understand her pain, it is frightnening to even amagine not being loved by the one you love.
I have grown in this period of loneliness it has help me realize that she is a big part in my life she has always stood next to me and supported me in everything I do. Just as I have been there for her. (until recently) I got lost.

As I'm sure you understand infertility and adoption is stressful and I took the ball to protect her but instead I hurt her.
Believe you me it will not happen again! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi I'm Still OK had a Rough night thinking about her
.

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: goodhusband1 ]</small>

Well my W will be back tomorrow night from vacation she hasn't called in a week. The last time we spoke she was mad. I'm worry that she is still very mad and may not want to discuss anything about working it out. How should I approach the situation? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />