Hi Sally,

I too want to tell you I think you maintaining NC is to be commended. I'm sure it's extremely hard to do. Good job!

I'd like to add just some thoughts to everyone else's very wise responses.

I know that in my marriage my H worked nights and I, days. I now know that the time difference played a major part in our marriage's demise, we simply didn't spend enough time together because of it. Is there any way you can go to days, or he nights? I thnk it would help.

Another thing, from reading your posts, I perceive one of your top ENs is "Domestic Support". Is there any way you can hire a house cleaner that comes in once bi-weekly to clean? We had one and the cost was nominal [$40 /cleaning], it was well worth it. That way neither of us spent the little time we could spend together doing house chores, etc.

Blessings,
Jo

Sally,

You have gotten some great advice. Diane said: [quote]I think your husband sounds a little like mine...he has probably built a wall around him, and it is up to you to start tearing it down. I believe in a large number of marriages, it is up to the wife to turn things around. (sorry guys--it may not be true for those of you on this message board). In my case, I don't think things would have ever improved if I had not made some changes....he wanted our marriage to work, but didn't know what to do...and I was getting help here.[/qoute]

In some ways I sort of agree with Diane about who can make the biggest difference. Look at your H's response to your last letter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Being a guy, I think that because men are more self-contained their needs can be more easily focused: he wants your approval, he wants love from you( and this is easier to identify with guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), and he wants you settled down. Women seem to want more from men and they are not as clear as to what it is.

If you continue to talk to your H as you did in your letter, I would bet you a substantial amount of money HE will start to bloom like you would not believe. He is hurting, both from what you did, and what you are doing. Change what you are doing as you did in that letter and I really think you will be amazed.

As for the children if it isn't the money, then get on the same schedule: your children need to see you two together and loving one another MUCH more than they need either of you as baby sitters. Further, someone suggested getting a housekeeper to come in and clean once/twice a week. I WILL BE THE BEST MONEY YOU EVER SPENT. Then you two can spend good time with your children, not stress about housework, each other, etc.

Sally, the happiness of your marriage is very very important to your children, not to mention to each other.

As for thinking of OM, I believe you have gotten great advice from Rose and others. This is an evolutionary process, but the more you do to your H what you did in that letter, the more OM will recede. Please understand you will NEVER forget him, but thoughts of him will lose emotional impact. I think that is what Rose is saying.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

JL;

Thanks for the words.

Well I am really going to try to show my husband my understanding of his needs.

I do know and have always known it that it was/is a very difficult time for him. A very painful time.

Alot of the household problems (infidelity aside) were there for a long time....now with all the hurt feelings, its just easy to throw those problems into the mix, ya know?

Its like everything negative out on the table now, with no holding back.

We have lots of issues to resolve and lots of work and healing to do.

I am going to try my hardest...although, I dont feel I can tell him my deep hurt in my heart over what happened with the A and the loss of that relationship and how it has made me feel. I think that part is something that I will have to deal with on my own and just hope that time really does mend a broken heart.

I am going to work on, any way I can, gettin OM out of mind..it's very hard and I wish I could just erase him...but that's not reality.

THanks again,
S.

Sally,
You wrote:
"I wish I could just erase him...but that's not reality."

I have said the EXACT same words myself. Just wanted you to know that there are others out there who have felt the same way and are finally getting past it all. Hang in there....you are doing much better than I did at NC...and that is what will help you the most!

BTW, your note to your husband was great. Keep it up....and keep posting.Diane