oh I almost forget...The 2x4 of REASON!

WACK!

Ok,back to MB PRINCIPLES

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks O-Girl, I was just about to go outside and saw down a freshly cut one.

I get next turn, k? (hopefully there won't be one, but the way things have been going ...)

Don't mean to make you feel bad, Believer. I understand. We just worry that you'll be dissappointed and hurt again. I hope I'm wrong.

Jo

Believer,

S-L-O-W (think I said that before - LOL!).

Now, first step must be proof that the OW is gone. Not just talking to her H; they may both be scamming each of you. Have you told him you require a NC letter? It should be written together, or at least approved of by you. And you should go together to mail it. If she has email, he can email it as well (not a bad idea to copy her hubby).

Don't let him stay at the house until you have this proof and have taken these steps. Once you see he is willing to do this, and is serious about his commitment to NC, you can call the Harleys or Cerri - she's Penny Tupy, founder of Save Your Marriage Central - Save Your Marriage Central and develop a plan of protection for YOU that you can - before you permit your H to move home, require. Now is the only time you can make "demands." Once he is home, POJA will rule.

Cerri has a great post on this subject. Let me go look for it and I will add it when I find it.

Edit: never mind. I see Melody Lane gave you the link on page 1 of this thread. Please check it out if you haven't. Good stuff.

All the best, believer!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]</small>

I am confused, how does plan B, and H came to spend the nite make any sense? The whole point believer is you want reconcilliation, if you do there is a right way and (and many wrong ways) to go about that. The right way is to require and substantiate major changes in your H, that creates the possibility of real change. Instead he makes a few statements (talk is cheap) picks up a couple books, and you let him spend the nite, abandoning plan B (which was working)....all you have done is substantiate he is in control, your plan B is meaningless, and you are eaisly manipulated....regardless of what happens now, you have relinquished power, and whether you pay the price now, or later, you will be sorry. Plus, you have made it less likely he will change (assuming it is possible at all, and most likely it is not) the whole point of change is we do not do it without external pressure, plan B was that pressure....so you just shot yourself in the foot, and made recovery less likely.

The good news is, you can learn from this, realize how weak you are, and reduouble your determination to have real...are you listening...REAL boundaries. So what to do? Back to plan B, with supervision (via counselling)...and a slow...very slow....relaxing of plan B into a new dating circumstance....it should be a long long time befor he is back in the house, 6 months at least of perfect behaviour (also known as applying rules of protection), and obviously NC....3 days? That's laughable, and meaningless, and should have not led to any change whatsoever in your behavior.

This happens all the time...the euphoria, and FOG of "miraculous reconcilliation"....nope, doesn't happen, marital failure is a behavioural issue, and behavior DOES NOT change overnight, or with a a lot of hot air.... it happens by months and months (minimum) of DIFFERENT behavior, that if one is lucky, finally becomes habitual and permanent. MB provides the foundation of this process.... a complete application of rules of protection....and counselling. Even if this ow is gone...there will be another....until he has changed...and that requires demonstrated safe behaviour, as well as substantial understanding of how this happens. IMO his behavior is nothing more than a selfish manifestation of change in focus, for now you are the convience he seeks, so he plays you like a fiddle. If he had any respect for you or your boundaries, he would not have asked you to violate your plan B until he earned it.....he did just exactly what he wanted to do believer, get back in the house, he has not earned that. This is all about him, and not about you at all....is that ok with you? Cause that is where you are headed. If he is serious he can do all this without living with you...the EN stuff, no LB'ing, accounting for time...all of it, he needs to experience consequences for his actions....and you need to develop a backbone, or are no better than him....just the other 1/2 of a dysfunctional dance.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Yeah you all are right. That's probably why I don't feel too excited about it. H is coming by tonight - not overnight - and we are going out to eat. He hasn't offered that for a year.

He is going tomorrow to get some anti-depressants, which I have been asking him to get for over a year. He is very interested in talking to the Harley's and is going to pay for it, as many times as it takes.

On the down side, the OW lives down the street and drives by everyday. Her H says he is through with her and she will need to find another place to live. So I can see lots of problems there.

I am thinking of asking H to sign our settlement agreement - giving me the mobile home. He wrote it out and it is still with lawyer. He has refused to sign it. Do you think that would be okay?

Settlement agreeement? I am not familiar with law where you live. In my area, there is no such thing as a legal separation. But, "settlement agreement" sounds like something tied to a divorce. I don't think that is the message you want to give him, right?

Hope you enjoyed dinner tonight, but I remain convinced that you should not be doing this without his commitment to NC and the proof in the letter you and he write together.

Now, if her H wants her out of the house, I consider that a plus for you. She won't be nearby, "lurking" or "stalking" your H.

Please, believer, get the NC commitment from him - FIRST and NOW. Don't continue to break your Plan B until you get that...it is critical!

Hugs,

Thanks for the advice, we are now it a big screaming fight. H went to walk to dog. I don't know if I can do this.

Well I asked him to write a NC letter. He would not do it. He said he has already told OW that he will have NC and there is no point in writing letter. I told him I needed him to write it and he said that it is pointless.

Anyway the whole evening was a bust. He is not willing to do anything for me. He is still arrogant. He thinks I should just trust him, he can't give me answers about why he went to OW. But at least I am happy that I didn't fall for the same old same old.

believer,

Let him walk the dog all the way to south of the border .... to think and NC w/ you until he is willing.

? Did you let him move back w/ you ? ... Please not happening .... ?

-rh-

redhat - This was such a disappointment for me. He will not write NC letter to OW. He says it is over and he has already told her. When I told him that I need NC letter, he said that it was not necessary. I asked him to leave and he did.

He is still very angry and does not see my side at all. I am giving up hope. This whole thing turned out to be about HIM and his needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
This whole thing turned out to be about HIM and his needs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so sorry Believer. I know it's so hard because you've been with this man for so long and you started to see the "old him" again.

I really know how that feels. It magnetically draws you in without even thinking.

I think his counseling session with the Harley's needs to happen PRONTO.

Jo

believer,

You did good. Plan B again in effect. I asked SH once about WS coming back ... we have to give the benefit of the doubt and switch gear to plan A but if it is not true then Plan B and up the ante!.

Next time ... tell WH to call SH/Jennifer/Penny and let them contact you to talk. Don't even bother talking with WH.

Within a few months you are ready to move on. Meanwhile, stay away from male companions. You are not done yet with this M emotionally.

-rh-

Believer:

You are following my exact same pattern. I called myself a PLAN B failure and broke down many times and had SF with my FWH. You are only human!

Get back up on the horse and do your PLAN B. He is still in the fog. He's not ready to give her up yet. You can't make him do it. He has to want to do it out of fear of losing you.

Unfortunately, a strict PLAN B is the only way for you to reconcile. That's what I had to tell myself and it proved to be true. If you hang in there and GO DARK again, he will be back.

Read MY STORY under A SUCCESS STORY!!!