is geting child cusdtosy or vist right is that lb.
It doesn't matter if it is a lovebuster or not. It is something you should do.
Sometimes, you have to lovebust to do the right thing.

Get the book, "Lovebusters"
i dont want this man around my kids.
You should be doing everything possible RIGHT NOW to keep your children away from him. This includes getting the children to live with you NOW!

Also, you need to read this thread
eemd I'm calling you out....

I'm just telling you from a WS perspective, that my love for my husband increased when he DIDN't expose it to the world.
But in your case the affair was over. If he were to expose it then, yes it would not have done much good (if any).

Restoration of the marriage is the objective here...and I personally don't see how publicly humiliating a WS would accomplish that objective
The MAIN reason for exposing the affair is to end the affair. Regardless of ANYTHING else that happens, the marriage WILL NOT be restored until the affair is over.
Once everyone knows about it, it is not a secret and the pressure against carrying on becomes too much.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Diane

Had your H publically humiliated you do you think the two of you would be divorced now?

If you and H divorced do you think that you and OM would be married now?

Beau

<<Talking about ending the "fog." How would you react if your spouse ran and ad in the newspaper with your and OM's picture with a short article detailing the affair and the impact on your and OM's family. Do you think that would breakup the "fog"? Beau>>

Well, certainly every relationship isn&#8217;t the same and maybe your wife felt this is what she needed to stop her bad behavior.

<<I find it interesting that the conversation about WS and affairs stopped when I presented an idea about exposure. Apparently, WS fear exposure to the community at large and rightly so. Sort of blows the fantasy away when everybdy in your town finds out what you are doing. Any comments>>

Yeah, guess I&#8217;m glad you don&#8217;t live in my community. This would destroy me and prevent me from repairing the damage I&#8217;ve done -- and it&#8217;s probably what you would want since I did so much damage to my husband and need to have something as painful and degrading happen to me. If that is your goal, then you have the right to do exactly that &#8211; take out an ad in the local paper with a story below it. May even make those who are thinking about having an affair think twice. Go for it.

I just wanted to point out that it is the affair that is destructive and degrading, NOT THE TRUTH. It is the WS's own chosen behavior that brings degradation and destruction. A BS should never help the WS hide his/her affair, that is tantamount to enabling.

I think he said this tongue in cheek to make a point about the importance of exposure, but Harley once told a member that he should "do everything short of taking out a billboard to expose the affair." I think sometimes that is very good advice because exposure usually puts a quick end to the affair.

Beau,
I have no idea what might have happened. But if you read Surviving an Affair, I think you will see that Harley feels that punishment like you describe is a real love buster.

Thank God my husband did not want EVERYONE involved (including himself & his children) PUBLICLY humilated.

Understand that I realize that exposure may be necessary to end an affair, but your sarcastic idea goes a little deeper than exposure to end an affair. Exposure should begin with those involved and should not be carried out longer than necessary in order to protect innocent victims (like children)

You are apparently very resentful from the tone of your posts. (Harley covers this in the last chapter). If you haven't read it, you might want to consider it. I don't think your suggestion (of public humiliation) is in line with the Marriage Builders philosophy. If it is, well I've been misunderstanding most of the MB stuff I've read and I'm in the wrong place to get help in rebuilding my marriage.

I'm glad my husband has been so good to me in spite of all we've been through. Makes it so much easier to love him deeply and forget the OM. Diane

Typist,
you wrote:
"Yeah, guess I’m glad you don’t live in my community. This would destroy me and prevent me from repairing the damage I’ve done -- and it’s probably what you would want since I did so much damage to my husband and need to have something as painful and degrading happen to me. If that is your goal, then you have the right to do exactly that – take out an ad in the local paper with a story below it. May even make those who are thinking about having an affair think twice. Go for it."

Thanks for helping me out here. I couldn't have said it better myself. Diane

Diane and Typist

Go back and re-reading "Surviving and Affair."
Exposure is recommended to stop the affair NOT FOR REVENGE. WS often do not want the affair exposed so they can continue the affair.

Also, check out www.savingyourmarriagecentral.com by Penny Tupy. She has a great article on exposure.

Diane, had I been your H I would have called OM W (assuming he had one) and told her first. Then I would have told everyone on both sides of the family that was willing to contact you to stop the affair. Further I would have told our pastor. If OM was an employee of the same company you worked for, I would have told HR and OM boss and your boss.

I would not tolerate your continued contact with OM period. Had you continued after exposure I would have kicked you out of the house and cut off all financial support. Do you believe those actions would clear away the fog and stop the affair? You bet!!

Of course, you would be upset and humiliated but the affair would have ended and and that is the point of exposure.

You had no problem HUMILIATING your children and H. Your only concern was for YOURSELF which is what got you in trouble to begin with - SELFISHNESS. Selfishness is the root of all affairs. You justified in your mind that it was OK TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. Guess what - you are WRONG!! An affair is never justified.

My comment about running an ad in the newspaper was intended to be a joke.

Beau

A couple of posts from BS on expousre.

worthatry,

This is a subject that I have been struggling with. Just after dday, I was so freaked and in so much pain, but I didn't tell the kids specifically what was going on. I told them that Dad was doing some things that I didnt approve of and was very upset.

I did counseling with Steve Harley, at first he suggested not to say anything to see if WH would come around. A little later, Steve sugested that we both sit down with the kids and tell them in a general way that Dad had "inapropriate relationships with 2 women" That conversation never took place.

Then all hell broke loose with our business and I eventually fould out the WH was on cocaine. At that point Steve suggested telling WH that I had to keep my distance and separate or DV. That is what I 'm having trouble with (there's another thread to BR on that)

I believe that it will be best to get this all out in the open even though it will hurt. I've never denied to the kids or my family that WH & I were having problems, just never said exactly why. Our kids are older so they know a great deal with out me telling them.

One of my BIL's is very supportive. He has even been helping me work some things out financially.
I am a rep for his company.

All 4 of my WH's brothers know and think WH is a jerk for what he has done. WH has avoided his family. (Both his parents are not living.) Ouch - Dday was when WH's Mom died. OK, trigger is over.... WH's Aunt told me to come to the family reunion this past summer whether or not my HW came. That made me feel really good.

My close friends know and have been a good support thru all of this.

In hind site, I wish that I had revealed more information to the kids, and my family. It gets harder as time goes on, like MB literature suggests .... you get used to it in a sick way. MB said it much better than I did.

WH is due to be home shortly for Thanksgiving so something has to give ..


BranblingRose
Was it an LB that I gave my inlaws copies of every single email between their son and his mistress?
Yep.
Did it help my situation?
Absolutely.

My husband could no longer pretend to his family that he was leaving because I was psycho and that I was crazy for thinking his mistress was more than a friend who was simply comforting him in a time of need.

I was disabled and pregnant. No family of my own in the area. HIS family had to care for me, so there was no more pretending. He had to cope with the reality that his family, his father, his mother and siblings were taking care of HIS responsiblities while he was off with his mistress.

His family told him that they would always love him and that he'd always be welcome, no matter what. But that if she ever darkened their doorstep, even after our divorce, they'd throw them both out.

And poor OW, desperate to legitimize her relationship and wanting to cut me out, was trying to convince him to stand up to his family adn force them to accept her as my replacement. Can you say it put her in a position to LB big time??? She wanted to marry my husband and she was doing EVERYTHING she could to insinuate herself into every aspect of his life. First I kept my children out of her reach, and then I took his family out of her grasp. What a mean lady I am!

It definitely added reality to the situation, BIG TIME.

And as the Harley's predicted...the time between my producing hard proof to expose the affair, and his decision to come home was about 9 months.

Best thing I ever did was expose the affair. We are now 17 months into a great recovery. We both talk about the affair in a matter of fact manner with friends and family if the subject comes up. We've both worked hard to understand the whys and hows, and believe me, it helps alot.

The beautiful thing is, 2 weeks ago my sister in law called late one night. (My brother had called me to confess that he was struggling with attraction to other women, I told him to tell his wife, which he did.) My SIL was having a hard time understanding how she could fill my brother's need for domestic support. After talking about it for a bit, and giving her some perspective, my husband took the phone, and was able to tell her somethings from the MALE WS side of things.

How incredibly healing for both of us to be able to share our experience, strenght and hope with others, especially family members, who are struggling with the stuff that we have finally overcome!

Had we kept it a secret, we wouldn't be recovered today, and others might not have gotten help that they needed. I wish we had someone to help us thru what we went thru!

Beau

"My comment about running an ad in the newspaper was intended to be a joke."

Yeah right. You seem to feel it is your duty to continue to make WS trying to heal through posting here never get over their guilt. You are one of those self-rightous "experts" who thinks they know it all. If it was a joke, why didn't you say it a long time ago?

I have as much right as you to post here, and will continue to do so. For the good of all, why don't you leave out the jokes? You are not too funny really!

You also wrote:
"Guess what - you are WRONG!! An affair is never justified."

I never said it was. Did I?? For your information, my marriage is doing great. He has forgiven me, and we are both making progress in making our marriage what it should have been to start with. But not because of folks like you. It is because BS like Chris CA, TooMuchCoffeeMan, ForeverHers-just to name a few-helped me without sarcasm and contempt.

Diane

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by diane1223:
<strong>

Yeah right. You seem to feel it is your duty to continue to make WS trying to heal through posting here never get over their guilt. You are one of those self-rightous "experts" who thinks they know it all. If it was a joke, why didn't you say it a long time ago?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Diane, I only saw Beau suggest exposure in order to end the affair and he is absolutely correct. I don't understand your strong reaction. That is something that Harley and many other prominent MC's recommend. It's not done for the purpose of being mean or "self righteous" but for the purpose of ending the affair.

It is the affair that is destructive, not the exposure. It is the affair that humiliates the kids and the husband, not the exposure. While it shouldn't be advertised on the evening news, the family members should NOT help the WS hide their affair.

Nor do we avoid exposure with the excuse that its a "lovebuster." IT is a short term lovebuster with long term benefits, because until the affair is ended, there is NO HOPE of recovery anyway. That is WHY Harley said do "everything short of taking out a billboard."

I am sorry if that hits too close to home for you, but it is a tried and true method of ending the affair. Maybe not a comfortable method for the WS, but the well being of the BS and family come first.

Melody,
The reaction comes to the so called joke about putting it in the newspaper with pics and then making a comment about why the thread had gotten so quiet.

I UNDERSTAND that exposure is necessary in some cases, but should be taken slowly--in other words-give the WS a chance to stop the affair before telling everyone. I hope any BS considering telling the world will take it one person at a time. Perhaps start with a minister, or close friend--sorry if it offends any BS, but that is my opinion.

Diane

Diane, I realize that no WS likes to be exposed, but it really is the best solution in many cases. It shouldn't be done as a threat, it should just be done. I don't see the point of doing it slow, and don't know of any MC who recommends such an approach. The quicker it is exposed, the quicker [hopefully] it will die.

Melody,
Thanks for your reply.

You made your point in a non confrontational manner and without sarcasm and contempt. Unlike some here....

While I agree that affairs coming to light are helpful in dissolving the 'fog', I can't help but to believe that anyone who would intentionally humiliate someone...did not have their best interest in mind. You gotta question the motives here and wonder if some good old vengance and retaliation was not at work here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by B4Long:
<strong> While I agree that affairs coming to light are helpful in dissolving the 'fog', I can't help but to believe that anyone who would intentionally humiliate someone...did not have their best interest in mind. . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But isn't it the affair that is humiliating? If I expose the fact that you just won an award at your job, is that "humiliating?" Of course it's not. Thats because what is humiliating is not the exposure, but the TRUTH. I think you are blaming the wrong source here.

If the affair is humiliating and exposing it would be effective in ending it, wouldn't that just lessen the humiliation of the BS?

I just think folks are trying to make the messenger the bad guy here, when it is actually the person who chose to have an affair. If I rob a bank and the paper publishes that truth, who is the bad guy here? The newspaper or the bankrobber? I think your problem is with the TRUTH, and not the BS.

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I disagree. My problem is not with the 'truth'.

As a parent...when my kids do something good, I like to brag on them. It's fun to see them recognized in public for their achievments.

But parenting rule # 1 is to avoid punishing or chastising them in front of their friends. Granted, some cases may warrant immediate action. But a wise parent knows you don't honor or chastise on the same public stage.

I'm not saying you have to hide the fact. But shouting it from the rooftop might win a battle, but in the long run, I would think you might lose the war.

Again, I'm not suggesting the BS doesn't have a right to 'feel like doing this', but I can't see where it would be beneficial.

Also...it's one thing when the news leaks out and becomes a matter of public record on the bank robbery example.

It's another thing if YOU are the one who leaks the news.

There is another powerful reason for exposing the affair to close friends and relatives IF the WS refuses to end his/her affair and that is to fully inform those people of the situation so they do not get deceived (like the BS initially was) into beleiving that the OP is 'just a friend' of the WS and unwittingly become co-conspirators in the destruction of a marriage. But even if the WS does end the affair before or after d-day, the OP's spouse must be told of the truth so that she/he can take the information and judge whether to stay and rebuild the marriage or leave and file for divorce.

Being resentful and mean spirited when it comes to exposure of the affair will definitely not help to end the affair or heal the marriage if the affair does end. Like Just Learning often says 'Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die'.

"But shouting it from the rooftop might win a battle, but in the long run, I would think you might lose the war."

Well put....you have to question the 'why' someone would want to do this. That is my point exactly. Thanks for posting your opinion. Diane